The Abyss!!!

Every time I travel between here and North, I consider it a major accomplishment. There is a part of my route that just drags and drags and drags and drags and drags (and drags.......). It drives me absolutely nuts! Once eternity ends, I feel absolutely good about myself. "I made it!" I say to myself. "I didn't get lost in the abyss!" It is not like I can lost in that abyss. There is nothing there!!! But, the feeling I get when I successfully pass through makes me feel all tingly inside. I didn't fall asleep, and my car didn't break down. Those are two good things! We should all celebrate when two good things happen to us in a row! At least I do. I am not one who has much luck in anything I do. Luck, in fact, is no longer in my vocabulary. It took me hours just to remember the word "luck" for this entry. Just today my car developed yet another quirk. I don't know if it is simply from the dynamic weather change (just a few days ago the mercury was hitting zero wind chills and now the birds are coming back north... I hate the mid-west for that very reason. A/C one day... heater the next), or just another result from the dark cloud that looms overhead, but now I have to fidget around with the gear-shift while placing it in park. If I don't, my car key will become a permanent fixture of the ignition. That's all I need, more car trouble. I don't have much money, and that's all I need. I can now see plenty of weekend hours spent on the couch because I had to use whatever spending money I had in order to, not only get to work everyday, but survive the abyss that looms between here and, well, anywhere! I am not used to this abyssness. Coming from Chicago, I could go miles and miles and miles and miles, and there would always be something! Sure, most of the time it was some gas station or a take out pizza place or an inconvenience store (or both an inconvenience store and gas station combo... That's something, I tell you, especially when one needs gas, and finds themselves a bit hungry for beef jerky), but it was something. And, I was never in shortage of a nice tasty snack opportunity! (GO TWINKIES! YES!!!!). Here, if I do the same travel, in a blink of an eye, I suddenly have to ask myself, "Where the hell am I?" For most of the people I work with, they don't seem to mind it. Of course, they are from here or have been here for a LONG time, but it bugs me every so often, just like it did yesterday when I traversed the abyss for the umpteenth gazillionth time. I started a conversation with myself. "Joe, this blows. THIS TRIP REALLY BLOWS!" "Yes," I said to myself. "This blows." "Will this ever end?" "Yes, at mile marker 105... civilization begins again there." (Yes, I have memorized what is at every single mile marker). "No," that voice says. "That's not what I meant. I mean, will this trip ever end... you know, back and forth... back and forth." "It will," I assure that voice. "Some way or another, it will end." "When?" asks the voice. "That's a fair question, voice that nags me all the goddamn time." "And?" "And, I don't really know." Which, I think is a fair answer. I really don't know. As the New Year dawned, not only did I think that during bad weather, one should stay inside, but I also figured I better see where the wind is blowing, set my sail, and go. I gave myself two years here. I said, when I moved, "Joe, let's see what happens during the next two years." After those two years, I figured to reassess and then, well, make a decision. My staying put was left up to fate. I figured if something came along that would keep me here, I would. But, that didn't happen. However, I am pretty sure I sabotaged that. I am very good at sabotaging myself. I do a gazillion things to keep people away. Why I do that, I am not sure, I just do it. I think that is part of the reason I am the only person I have to talk to as I traverse the abyss alone. Okay, there was my pet fish Ike. He was with me. But, he isn't one for conversation. If he did start talking to me, I think I have other problems. He hasn't, and that's probably one of the really good things. Basically, I put nice walls above and around me, and stay behind them. I also have my reasons for doing that. As I said, I have no luck. I keep people at a distance. It takes a lot for me to actually start trusting anybody, and I feel people really don't have the time nor the energy to break down my barriers. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to spend that time either. It is not that there isn't anything to find. I am a pretty fucking good person, if I say so myself. However, I don't give many an opportunity to discover that. It is a secret I keep to myself, and those few people I allow to see who I am. That's where I am at this very moment. I am going to see where the wind blows. I have much to do to prepare.

So, yeah, that abyss trip really puts me into a fucking lame-ass funk. I look forward to the day when I don't have to make it anymore. I look forward to the day I can put the game room into a more permanent setting. I look forward to the day when I can finally look around me and say, "This is where I belong." I look forward to the day when I don't have to talk to that damn nagging voice that resides inside me and finally tell him to go fuck himself. I do not look forward to the day that Ike actually speaks to me. That won't be a good day.

Later!