A Do It Yourself Blog

Being that my creative well needs time to fill, I thought it would be fun if you wrote your own blog in this space! Yes, you get to be me more for a brief second... a way of entering my mind (a real dark place, so brace yourselves)...and go through the process I use in writing your own blog, pretending it is here, and hopefully laugh! That's the name of the game here, right? Free entertainment Joe style? Let's begin...

Step One: Look around the room and say "ummmm" a lot. You need to do several "ummmms" and several looks around the room in order to get optimum output. Don't... I repeat, DON'T skimp on this step.

Step Two: Get up from computer, say "Fuck it! I can't think of shit!".... have a smoke on balcony and look at the spiders named "Reggies 1-5." Non-smokers can skip the smoke part.

Step Three: Walk around room thinking, "Dear lord! I am a slob!" This step is also crucial. Self-loathing is an important step in the creative processes! It really, really is! Humor, or my humor, must flow freely from the pits of my dark, evil infested psyche where loathing of all sorts dwell... But, self-loathing helps point out nice, funny flaws. If it helps, also go into the bathroom which should never, ever be neglected and look at all the neglect.

Step Four: Pop popcorn. It doesn't add anything to the creative process, but it does make for a tasty snack (or dinner, in my case).

Step Five: Think about all the things that need to be done for work, and then not do it.

Step Six: Flip channels on the television... quickly turn TV off, because you've seen that same episode of "Scrubs" at least fifty gazillion times. Now say, "Back to the computer... Maybe I can write something."

Step Seven: Repeat step one.

Step Eight: Repeat step two.

Step Nine: Repeat step six.

Step Ten: Ignore cell phone as it rings. There is writing to be done! AND, you never answer the damn thing anyway.

Step Eleven: Look through the mental pictures of the day. Focus on all aspects of the day, both good and bad. Filter out the good images. Good images never, ever make for anything worth ranting about... or writing about. Focus on the bad... Anything unique about those moments? Pick one unique moment. Is it funny? Can you say anything about it worth mentioning? If not, say "FUCK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY?" If it is go to step thirteen

Step Twelve: No unique moments during the day is not the end... Start thinking about the past... Anything interesting? No? Then say, "FUCK!!!! I am going to bed! Fuck this! Fuck this to hell!!! Who reads this shit anyway? This is bullshit! I am a hack! I have no talent! My life sucks! SUCKS!" Quickly have another smoke.. sneer at the spiders... go to bed. If yes, go to step thirteen.

Step Thirteen: You have your idea? Now, begin blog with the following: "I can't under stand why (insert unique moment) blows chunks!" Change that opening line several times until you have it right. Perhaps, interchange some good old fashioned swear words. I find those help convey meaning, and relieve stress.

Step Fourteen: Stream of consciousness... I just write... write... write.. whether it makes sense or just, well, blows chunks. Re-read what you write being careful to not see any spelling errors, grammar errors, missing words, and poor sentence structure. After all, you took English in college (or high school). Maybe find something you wrote that will bring it all together and fool people into thinking that you are clever.

Step Fifteen: Forget to hit "Publish Post" button, close window, and go to balcony for vice and then realize your mistake.

Step Sixteen: Go out to balcony with beer this time and drink it with an angry grimace.

Step Seventeen: Open up "Word" ... write blog there... and repeat the entire process.

Final Step (YAY!): Correctly post blog and hope for the best it isn't the shit you think it is.

So... now you are done, and you should have a nice mental picture of some crap piece of writing you can't believe came out of your mind for the whole world to enjoy. I hope the blog you imagined here is the best "Joe" blog you've ever written. After all, we must always continue to out do ourselves.

Later!