The Melancholy Advetures of Oyster Boy and Cauliflower (Redux)
Once again, let’s traverse into the far out, weird, not quite right mind of one guy named Joe…
Adventure 1:
Oyster Boy was at home alone as usual. He was pondering what all Oyster Boys ponder. That, of course, is nothing. Pondering was way beyond Oyster Boy. He couldn’t ponder on anything for anything. In fact, he had no idea what “pondering” even meant. Then the door bell rang. At the door was Cauliflower.
“Hello, Cauliflower,” said Oyster Boy as he opened the door.
“Hello, Oyster Boy,” replied Cauliflower.
“Looks like a nice day,” said Oyster Boy.
“I guess. I didn’t notice,” drowned Cauliflower.
They two just stared at each other for a few moments.
“Well, I will go,” said Cauliflower.
“Okay,” answered Oyster Boy.
With that Oyster Boy closed the door as Cauliflower left. Oyster Boy looked about the room and began not pondering once again.
The End
Adventure 2:
“Cauliflower, let’s go to the beach!” exclaimed Oyster Boy out of blue. “Don’t you think that would be nice?”
“No!” exclaimed Cauliflower. “I’d rather sit in this dark room doing nothing at all.”
“Yes,” said Oyster Boy. “You’re right. Dark rooms are much nicer.”
Both Cauliflower and Oyster Boy sat in the dark room doing much of nothing at all. Every so often Cauliflower groaned. Oyster Boy also groaned. There was a lot of groaning amongst the both of them.
“We could’ve groaned at the beach,” eventually said Oyster Boy.
“And miss out on this wonderfully pleasant dark room?” questioned Cauliflower.
“Oh, I see your point!” said Oyster Boy. “This room is wonderfully pleasant.”
“If you want, we can moan instead, Oyster Boy. That might change things up!”
“Oh, good call!” exclaimed Oyster Boy. “Let’s moan instead of groan.”
The wonderfully pleasant dark room was suddenly full of moans instead of groans. Both Oyster Boy and Cauliflower remained unpleasant after all.
The End
Adventure 3:
Oyster Boy and Cauliflower sat in the living room of Cauliflowers hovel. When suddenly, Cauliflower, out of nowhere, and for no particular reason, said, “You know, Oyster Boy, you have a weird looking head!”
“I’ve been told,” said Oyster Boy.
‘“It looks like an oyster.”
“I get that from my father’s side,” said Oyster Boy matter-of-factly.
“I surmise that your father had an oyster shaped head, too?” asked Cauliflower.
“Indeed!” said Oyster Boy.
Cauliflower continued to look at Oyster Boy. “Is that where you got your name?” asked Cauliflower. “Because of the shape of your head?”
Oyster Boy looked over at Cauliflower instead of the nothing he had been looking at. “No,” said Oyster Boy. “I got my name from my gender.”
Cauliflower shook his stalk in approval. “What was your father’s name?” asked Cauliflower. “Oyster Man?”
“Why that would be silly,” said Oyster Boy. “His name was Fred.”
The End
Adventure 4:
Oyster Boy was rather frazzled. “Nobody likes us!” he exclaimed.
“Nope!” said Cauliflower.
The End
Adventure 5:
Oyster Boy turned on the TV. He saw a documentary of animals killing other animals in the wild. “I wonder if I went into the wild if I would be killed by another animal?” asked Oyster Boy aloud as he thought about the documentary.
The next day he dragged Cauliflower into the wild to see if he could answer his question.
“Let’s sit under this tree and wait for animals,” said Oyster Boy.
“Do we have too?” asked Cauliflower. “I see no point in sitting under a shade tree being comfortable waiting for our demise. I feel that we should stand in an open field. That would be more apropos.”
“Golly,” said Oyster Boy. “You’re right as usual, Cauliflower. I like having you as my only friend.”
“I am not your friend,” said Cauliflower.
The two of them sat in an open field. Animals came and went, but no demise.
“I don’t understand why we aren’t being attacked,” said Oyster Boy finally after several days of rain and collecting sunburn.
“I guess animals don’t like us either,” replied Cauliflower.
The End
Adventure 6:
Cauliflower was out of food. Since he rather liked food, he decided that he must go to the store.
“I like food,” he said to an elderly woman as she was squeezing some peaches in the fruit section of the store.
“I like cauliflower,” she said to Cauliflower. After looking at Cauliflower for a moment she said, “You look wonderful!” With that, she picked up Cauliflower. She looked him over. She squeezed his head. She placed him in a plastic bag. She tied the end of the plastic bag. She dumped Cauliflower into her shopping cart.
Oyster Boy happened to walk by and saw Cauliflower in the elderly woman’s cart in a plastic bag. “Cauliflower, why are you in the elderly woman’s cart and in a plastic bag?”
“I don’t know,” said Cauliflower. “She said she likes cauliflower!”
“Oh, I see! Carry on then,” said Oyster Boy.
“You betcha!” replied Cauliflower.
Cauliflower was eventually purchased and taken back to the elderly woman’s home. He was sliced up, and placed on plate with some lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, and radishes. Then, he was doused in French dressing- the light kind.
“I like cauliflower best,” said the elderly woman. She took her fork and poked Cauliflower with it and then proceeded to eat him along with the other tasty morsels doused in French dressing.
The End
Adventure 7:
Oyster Boy had no idea where Cauliflower was. He hadn’t seen him in days. “Now, I wonder where Cauliflower has gotten too!”
Oyster Boy walked to Cauliflower’s hovel, and found that Cauliflower was not home. He went to the store where he last saw Cauliflower, and he wasn’t there either. He went to the big field in the wild wondering if Cauliflower was continuing the experiment of being attacked by wild animals. Again, Cauliflower was not there! “Where could he be?” asked Oyster Boy to no one in particular. “Oh! One last place!”
Oyster Boy went to the wonderfully dark room to see if maybe Cauliflower was either moaning or groaning in there. No groaning was heard. No moaning was heard. No Cauliflower inside. “Hmmmm,” thought Oyster Boy. “I guess I will go the beach. It is such a nice day!”
At the beach, Oyster Boy had only sat down for a second on his beach towel when a man came running up to him. “Do you have a pearl inside you?” asked the man of Oyster Boy.
“I believe those are just clams,” said Oyster Boy.
“I don’t believe you!” exclaimed the man. He picked up Oyster Boy and cracked open his head. All he saw were entrails. “I guess he was right!” said the man. He dropped the now cracked open Oyster Boy back down on his towel on the sand.
Seagulls then swarmed over the now cracked open Oyster Boy and ate.
The End
The preceding was a complete work of fiction. Please be assured that no oyster was harmed, nor any cauliflower consumed during its writing. Maybe a beer was ingested….or two… but, that’s about it! Scouts honor!
Prost!!!
1 Comments:
- I wait for no yes -
pretty damn funny
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