RANT WARNING!!!!

Work was absolutely nasty today. I don't think anybody, including myself, wanted to be there. I was coming off a brilliant display of drinking last night. The weather was nice and I thought to myself, "Joe," (I call myself "Joe") "We've never really used that balcony much." And, I responded, "No, we haven't." After doing a few things, I sat there, with the Reggies... It wasn't going to be for long. A beer... some tunes. It turned out longer then I thought. One beer became two became three became four and became several. Not one of my finer moments. With the I-Pod on (for some reason, Mr. I-Pod decided to play melancholy songs), I started to drunk think. It is for those moments that I decided I wasn't going to think anymore, however, there I was... getting madder and sadder as the time progressed. My head was all over the place. With drunk thinking, mere thoughts become overblown and out of control. The next thing I know, I put myself in quite the funk. Then, I tripped over everything coming inside. My toes still hurt. "Brilliant!" I said to myself. "Just brilliant! What the hell were you thinking!?!?!? What the hell were you doing!?!?!? GET A GRIP, MAN!!!" And, what I thought? That's, well.. none of your damn business really. That's pretty much how most of my thoughts go. I keep them to myself, and they fester. Then, I have these moments where everything comes barreling at me at a gazillion miles per hour. It's an emotional roller coaster that we introverts cause ourselves because we just don't allow us to remove those walls. I quickly popped my favorite meal (Popcorn!) because I needed some food (don't drink on an empty stomach), sat on the couch, and willed myself out of it. I am my worst enemy, and my best coach. Actually, it wasn't the couch. That's full of school shit at the moment. It was my easy chair. I had to talk that rarely seen emotional side down so I can get things done (mainly falling asleep). I don't like evenings like that. In the past, I had a tendency to make rash decisions. I won't do that "drinking alone" thing for awhile. The only thing that actually made some relative sense in all that emotional nonesense was the decision to paint my summer home, and actually being there for a bit just to unwind. It's been hard these past few months. Nothing I seemed to do worked out in any way shape or form (one could make the argument that it was for the things I did not do... but, that's not true at all). All my plans and ideas, etc. went ppoofff!!! EXPLODED. And, after a day like today, I left extremely mad because of it. All I could think about was leaving. All I had today were reminders of all that hard work leading to failure... For example, I spent quite a bit of time on my finals... and today having many of my seniors blow off their exams, and then spent two hours bragging about it. That really pissed me off.. and resurfaced those drunken, festering, blistering, self-loathing thoughts I had last night... SHIT! Last night's drinking binge (Which, I am heartily sorry for) was really a bad idea. Shame on me.

I don't understand it anymore... What does it take to get at least something I want for a change? Huh? What do I need to fucking do!?!?!?!

Yeah, I know... downer downer downer... I'm sorry. I have a hard time being funny sometimes... not that I think I am all that funny... There are just these days that are there to remind us not to become complacent... and to remind us of what was, so we can do what's right down the road. It is about turning failure into success, I reckon. We need them to figure out which fights to keep fighting for, and which fights to abandon to make sure we have enough energy to fight another battle elsewhere. I am beginning to realize that there are some fights I know I am not going to win... And, though I wish not to abandon them, maybe it is better, in the long run, that I do just that...

The above cryptic? OH YEAH!!! I love that!