SALAD KILLS!

One of the saddest days of the last two months was the day I went to Subway for the first time since the whole medical affair began. I love Subway. I actually do find deli sandwiches refreshing.... My favorite? The club... with all the fixins... The bottom is loaded with meat and the top is a salad of epic proportions. I was pretty excited. I put in the prescription for some med... I think it was the nasty one that had to be injected into my stomach daily...I remember not being too thrilled. Anyway, the technician said, "Hey, give us forty-five minutes. We'll get the old nasty shots together for you so your stomach can be black and blue for a couple more weeks! How's that grab ya? In forty-five minutes we'll have it ready so you can maintain your discomfort!" I, of course, said, "Gee, swell! I can't wait!" Or, maybe I grunted. I don't know. It was in July and everything was just kind of going at me fast and furious... "Joe, you're lucky! You could've died!" said the doctor. "Don't worry, these things I found wrong might just kill you, too. Here's a bill." Ahhh, July... good times... good times.... Being that I had some time to kill, I wondered what I should do. My, at the time, black and blue stomach started to growl. "LUNCH!" I said. And, there, across the Wal-mart store, near men's clothing and behind a wonderful display of popcorn was Subway..... "SWEET!" I said to myself. "I would indeed like a tasty sandwich... and since a real deli isn't around, I shall have Subway." As I walked to Subway, the new Wal-mart snack stand, I grew very excited for my flesh filled sandwich loaded with green fields of absolute deliciousness...... "I want a club!" I said to the attendant. "Hell, put that on Italian bread today!" Italian bread... this was going to be something special. This was going to be the ultimate "wasting time waiting for the pharmacist" sandwich. I watched with glee as the sandwich artist cut the Italian bread. I started salivating at the sight of the first layer of roast beef. I peed my pants at the sight of the turkey layer. I damn near fainted with happiness at the layer of ham. And, yes, I almost burst with pride at the question, "Would you like cheese on that?" ... "Provolone!" I was probably the most excited person this sandwich artist ever did see over the simplicity of ordering Provolone cheese. She looked at me rather strange. Then again, I do get that quite a bit, and not just from sandwich artists. Heh.... "Would you like that toasted?" "You bet your sweet bippy!" I didn't say it like that. I said, "Yes." Rest assured "Yes" implied "you bet your sweet bippy!" ...oh yes it did! The sandwich went into the modern miracle known as the microwave oven. It was then I stepped over to the heavenly fixings. I just couldn't wait to make that sandwich artist work her magical, artistic craft on that nuked, layered flesh nestled safely on Italian bread with Provolone cheese melted perfectly sealing in all that wonderful sandwich meat flavor... I looked over that retail garden... It was then the red light went off in my head over the now perceived fucking color green... the now deadly color green... the fucking color of green color that now indicates "death" for people like me.... "FUCK!!!!!!" I screamed. "FUCKITY FUCK! FUCK!" Okay, I am lying. I didn't even think "fuckity, fuck! FUCK!" I could have, but I didn't. What I really said was, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......ummmmmmmm......" What I thought was, "FUCK! My sandwich! My favorite sandwich in the world! GONE!!!!! I can't eat most of this shit!" Subway... now... useless... "Sir," said the sandwich artist. "What would you like on your sandwich?" Oh, there was going to be no art today... not for this artist. "Carrots and mustard," I said with tears of pain rolling down my cheek. "I just want carrots and mustard." Yeah, I can't even have mayo anymore... all those salads... all those salads... gone! GONE!!!! It was a sad day... a very sad day for sandwich artists everywhere....

I was thinking today as I did my daily walk, "I want to make a t-shirt that says, 'Salad Kills!'" The cool thing is I can actually say it, and mean it. Beware you salad eaters... I am going to save your life!

Prost!