Book O' Disease
BOOK O' DISEASE
or
BOB THE DARK LORD
Sponsors an Event
Yet Another Stupid Story Inspired by
Kristopher
And
Written by
Joe
Chapter 1
Gingivitis
Above the city of
“Sir, what are your orders?” asked a crewman nearby.
“I WAIT FOR NO ORDERS! FIND THE NEXT TOWN AND BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS, OF COURSE!!! WE DON’T STOP UNITIL THE WORLD IS MINE!! ALL MINE!!!” The being in long dark black robes and a dark black hat twirled toward the bridge doors and started walking towards them. “I SHALL BE IN MY OFFICE! NOBODY BOTHERS ME! IF THEY DO, IT MEANS YOUR DEATHS! UNDERSTOOD?”
“Yes!” said the entire Bridge crew in unison.
“I WAIT FOR NO CONFORMATIN!” said the evil being. “SOON THE WORLD WILL ALL COWER BEFORE ME, CARL THE DARKER LORD!” Through the doors he went and the bridge crew sighed in relief at his departure.
“That guy is a jerk!” said the Navigator.
“Word,” said the Weapons Officer.
Chapter 2
Hemorrhoids
Deep within the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom was an office. In that office was Carl the Darker Lord. He was in a meeting.
“MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE MOST EVIL OF THEM ALL???” asked Carl the Darker Lord in a tone as if he was yelling (He always sounded like he was yelling). Before him was, ummm, how to describe it? Um, well, it was a mirror on the wall, and it was magical. It also talked. Can you believe that? A talking, magical mirror! Carl the Darker Lord bought it at Spencers Gifts. They have such neat stuff! All those things that you never thought you needed or thought existed! Way to go Spencers Gifts!!! Anyway, umm… story… right…
“You are, O Evil One,” said the mirror back.
“YOU AREN’T JUST SAYING THAT TO PREVENT ME FROM BREAKING YOU INTO BILLIONS OF SHARDS ARE YOU, MIRROR?”
“I can’t lie to you, Lord Master Carl. It isn’t in my programming.”
“GOOD!” Carl said looking into the mirror to admire his evilness.
“However, Sir,” began the mirror cautiously. “I do need to mention something.”
“WHAT??” screamed Carl the Darker Lord.
The mirror began nervously. “There is another sorta, kinda, not so much, a little bit, in a way, a tad, ummm…”
“OUT WITH IT, MIRROR! BEFORE YOU ARE DUST!”
“There is a *gulp* ummm…..”
“YES???”
“….another dark lord. He’s trying to control the world’s oceans!” said the mirror quickly.
“WHAT??????”
“There is a another, sorta, kinda evil dark lord trying to control the oceans?” said the mirror meekly.
“ANOTHER DARK LORD????? ANOTHER DARK LORD????”
“Yes,” cowered the mirror.
In an instant, the fist of Carl the Darker Lord sailed through the surface of the mirror cracking it to bits. Shards flew across the room showering every surface. Carl then started to huff. He started to puff. He started to blow his top off. “WHERE IS THIS CRETIN WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY????”
Of course the mirror could not answer the question. It was broken into tiny bits.
Carl the Darker Lord looked down in anger. “DAMN YOU, MIRROR! ANSWER ME!”
Again, no answer.
“SHARDS ON THE FLOOR THEN! WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY?”
The shards barked back. “We’re sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please hang up and dial again.”
“ZONTER! I NEED A NEW MIRROR!” growled the eviler darker lord.
Chapter 3
Urinary Tract Infection
Sitting depressed on a big, dark throne of evil in the big, dark throne room of evil surrounded by fish tanks located deep in the big, dark Fortress of Evil that was behind the big, dark fence of evil at the end of a dark road of evil was Bob the Dark Lord. “DRAT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!” he sneered. “Can’t those people just leave me alone!! I am evil! Don’t they know that!?! Can’t they see that!?! I have a fish army! I have a big, dark fortress of evil! I sell untrained animals in my pet shop!” A piece of paper fell to the floor from his hand that said on the front “You’re Invited!” At that moment, Volcano Creature, Bob’s only friend, popped in for his daily visit.
“How are you today, Bob the Dark Lord?”
“I am evil!” said Bob. “Thank you for asking.”
“You don’t look evil, Bob the Dark Lord. You look rather depressed.”
“I’ve never been able to fool you, Volcano Creature. I am rather evilly sad and evilly upset,” mumbled Bob.
“How come?”
“The citizens of Tripod have invited me to their anniversary gala yet again this year! I just got the invite by carrier pigeon, which I just dropped on the floor before you came in.” It was no secret Bob the Dark Lord disliked the citizens of Tripod. In fact he hated them. They were so nice and happy. It made Bob sick to his stomach just thinking about them. Everyday he wished evil thoughts on them like a fungus on their tomato plants, ringworm on their pets, dog feces on their grassy areas in their parks, unpaid parking tickets that caused the Denver boot, and the most evil of thoughts - mold growing on their food in their refrigerators! Oh how deliciously evil that would be!!!
“So,” said Volcano Creature. “Stomp on them. STOMP ON THEM ALL!”
“I can’t do that. That is your thing.” Bob started to get even more depressed.
“Then do your thing,” said Volcano Creature.
“My thing?” said Bob. “What is my thing?”
“How about fishing for your Ocean Army of Evil to rule over the oceans? I have beer. We could go and at least catch a good buzz!”
“No,” grimaced Bob the Dark Lord. “Not today. I need to sit here and figure out how to handle this invite issue and the anniversary gala.”
“What’s there to handle? Don’t go,” said Volcano Creature matter-of-factly.
“I have to go!” exclaimed Bob. “I was invited!”
Chapter 4
Tonsillitis
“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.
“I NEED A MAGIC MIIRROR!!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I NEED IT NOW!!!!”
The clerk looked at Carl the Darker Lord and then down at his computer screen attached to a computer that sat on the counter of Spencer’s Gifts.
“NOW!!!!” said Carl the Darker Lord.
“Please wait a few moments, sir. I have to access the database to see if we have any available.”
“I WAIT FOR NO DATABASE!”
“Oh, poo, the server is down.”
“I WAIT FOR NO SERVER!”
“I can’t check the inventory, sir.”
“I WAIT FOR NO INVENTORY!”
“Let me see if we have some on the shelf.”
“I WAIT FOR NO SHELF!”
“Please, sir, be patient. I just need to run over there and look at the shelf where I believe I last saw them,” said the clerk.
“I WAIT FOR NO PATIENCE!”
And, it was by chance, with Carl’s last utterance, that the clerk was losing patience with Carl himself. “Sir, it won’t be but a few more seconds. Now, please, don’t talk to me in that manner. I only make minimum wage.”
“I WAIT FOR NO MINIMUM WAGE!”
“Okay, sir, one more outbreak like that, and I will have to ask you to leave.”
“I WAIT FOR NO OUTBREAK!”
“That’s it!” said the clerk. “I am now calling mall security to have you removed.”
“I WAIT FOR NO REMOVAL!”
“Then, please remove yourself!” yelled the clerk.
“I WAIT FOR NO PLEASE!”
“I am NOW dialing security,” said the clerk very angrily. “They’ll have you removed and barred from here for life!”
“I WAIT FOR NO BARRING, AND IT IS YOU THAT SHALL BE BARRED FOR LIFE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the entire mall from the face of the planet.
“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.
“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE THE NETWORK ISN’T DOWN!”
“Yes, sir!” said another minion.
“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.
Chapter 5
Flesh Eating Bacteria
“Hello!” said a citizen of Tripod to Bob the Dark Lord. “How are you today?”
The citizens of Tripod always harassed Bob the Dark Lord as he walked to open up his pet store in the mornings. It was always “Good Morning This… and Good Morning That!” Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! No morning was good as far as Bob was concerned. And, he always felt the same. “I am evil,” he replied in return. “Thank you for asking.”
“Good to hear it!” said the citizen as he walked on. “Good to hear it!”
“Bah!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “You will get your good morning as soon as I rule the oceans,” he continued under his breath.
The pet store opened promptly at 9:00 A.M. in the morning. Bob felt that it was his duty as an evil dark lord to make sure people had prompt access to untrained pets and expensive pet supplies. However, Bob the Dark Lord’s prices were very reasonable. It was the most evil thing to do. His distributors were always cutting him deals in order to keep his business. Bob didn’t realize this. He always thought they were just afraid of him, as most people should be of evil dark lords. Just like an evil dark lord ought to do, he passed the savings on to his customers as it was an ingenious plan! Nobody would suspect a dark lord on passing on the savings to customers, nobody! It was pure evil.
Bob the Dark Lord stepped behind his usual counter awaiting his next victims when the Mayor of Tripod happened to walk in.
“Mr. Dark Lord,” began the Mayor. “How are you today?”
“I am evil,” replied Bob the Dark Lord. "Thanks for asking."
“Yes, of course you are!” said the Mayor. “Mr. Dark Lord, you are coming to the Anniversary Gala, yes?”
“I must. I was invited,” said Bob.
“Good. We always like when our business owners take an interest in the communities they serve.”
“I serve only myself,” Bob said. “I am evil.”
“Yes, or course you do,” replied the Mayor. “And, as a business owner, we know you would like to sponsor an event or something. You know, to drum up more business for yourself.”
“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I always sponsor evilness!”
“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “Now, I hear you are an avid fisherman?”
“I fish to catch fish for my ocean army of evil,” retorted Bob.
“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “Now, as it so happens, the Gala always has a fishing derby. Prizes are given to the best fishermen.”
“There are STILL others that try to catch fish for their own armies?” yelped out Bob the Dark Lord. “I shall not have this! I shall not let this be! It is I that shall rule the oceans! They must be destroyed!”
“Of course you must,” said the Mayor. “But, I assure you it’s all in good fun.”
“I despise fun!” said Bob. “I am evil!”
“Of course you do,” said the Mayor.
“You leave the store NOW!” barked Bob the Dark Lord. “I must plan the demise of these fishermen trying to thwart my plans!”
The Mayor looked confused.
“I thought I removed these fishermen. I thought I had complete fish control!”
The Mayor looked really confused.
“I do appreciate you bringing this to my attention. I shall not destroy you for your loyalty to me, Bob the Dark Lord! Now, please, leave my store! I have much to do!”
The Mayor needed that sponsorship money. Even though he was rather confused at Bob’s rumblings, he quickly had to change tactics, and decided to play along. “The fishermen, in this derby, will fish for you,” said the Mayor at last.
“Fish for me?” asked Bob. “I am evil.”
“Of course they will, because you are evil.” said the Mayor. “All the fish caught will become your fish.”
“They will become my fish?” asked Bob. “Fish for my evil fish army?”
“Every single one of them!”
“Yes… yes…,” Bob said as he twisted his evil mustache on his evil face with his evil hands. He sure could use the help. Most of the fish he and Volcano Creature caught were either not to the size limits or ended up dead. Bob wasn’t quite sure why those fishing manuals had him gut, clean, and then roll the fish up in newspaper so they can be stored in the freezer. He figured it was some sort of evil magical voodoo ritual. It was probably the fishes’ souls that went back into the water to control other fish and that would all lead to his eventual control of the oceans. Bob had seven freezers full of the voodooed fish. He wasn’t sure how many freezers it would take to get his coveted control. Again, any little help he could get would help in the long run.
“But, there is a catch!” quipped the Mayor.
“A catch,” Bob said. “Catches are quite evil. I am beginning to like you, Mayor of Tripod.”
“You must sponsor the event!” said the Mayor.
“If I sponsor such an event, after it is all said and done, I get to destroy the other fishermen?”
“Of course we’ll have to see about that part,” said the Mayor. “But, first, the event sponsorship? We’ll make sure your name is everywhere!”
“Then Bob the Dark Lord’s Pet Emporium will sponsor such an event!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am Evil!”
“It will be $5,000!” said the Mayor delightedly. “And, after I get my money, you can be evil as you want!”
Chapter 6
Dysentery
“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.
“I NEED A MAGIC MIIRROR!!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I NEED IT NOW!!!!”
The clerk looked at Carl the Darker Lord and then down at his computer screen attached to a computer that sat on the counter of Spencer’s Gifts.
“NOW!!!!” said Carl the Darker Lord.
“Please wait a few moments, sir. I have to access the database to see if we have any available.”
“I WAIT FOR NO DATABASE! I WENT THROGH THIS BEFORE! I WILL DESTORY YOU!”
“Sir, please, just a few moments.”
“I WAIT FOR NO MOMENTS!” said Carl the Darker Lord. He pulled out a ring of power, slipped it on his finger, and then became invisible.
“Sir, where did you go?” chirped the sales clerk.
“I PUT ON THE WRONG RING, YOU FOOL!” came a voice from nothingness.
“I don’t understand,” said the clerk.
“THIS IS THE RING I WANTED,” said a voice from nothingness. Carl the Darker Lord reappeared wearing a ring with a dark purplish rock attached to it. “TAKE THIS!” Carl pointed the ring at the clerk but nothing happened. Well, not nothing. There was a spark, a fizzle, and a sound that sounded like the thud sound an old carbureted car made when it was turned off after it had been driven for awhile. Similar to the sound the author had driven when he was much younger… a certain 1987 Dodge Omni. Those were good times.
“Sir?” asked the clerk.
“ZONTER!” said the darker lord. “IT IS BROKEN! I WILL NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THESE, TOO!” He said the clerk as he pointed to the ring.
“I am sorry, sir, be we don’t carry that brand of ring at this location.”
“NO!??!!?!” said Carl the Darker Lord.
“No,” said the clerk. “Maybe I can make a special order?”
“I WAIT FOR NO SPECIAL ORDERS!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the entire mall from the face of the planet.
“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.
“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE I CAN GET A MAGIC MIRROR AND RING OF POWER!!!!”
“Yes, sir!” said another minion.
“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.
posted by "Just" Joe at 12:33 AM
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