I HATE THE MALL!!!
I was going to get on a soapbox and go bonkers about the mall and how I hate it. After some thought, I determined that such an entry would be quite boring. I think most people can assume that I wouldn't be a fan of the mall... especially around the holidays. I used to pride myself on the ability of avoiding the retail nightmare during this season. I have become a big fan of Internet shopping. Sadly, I needed a watch battery for my good watch. I knew there was a place that could help, and so I had to spend five minutes amongst Christmas time cheer.... Again, I told the story quickly, and you can see it is indeed boring... Indeed.
What I really wanted to do was tell a Christmas story.... a real Christmas story... not made up. It's the actual, to God true tales about the Christmas ostrich... where it came from. I did write a short story about the Christmas story, and I am sure there are those that would like to know how this became a tradition in our family's household.... Ready?
Upon exiting graduate school the first time, I found myself homeless. My sister took me in from the cold and I began sleeping on a cot in my niece's bedroom. It was a three bedroom townhouse she just bought for herself and her two children. I moved in around September, and before you knew it, it was Christmas. My sister was excited about the chance to have her first Christmas in her new pad. Off to the store she went to buy, not only a tree, but all the tree fixins. And, to celebrate she made a party out of trimming the tree... There were wings, booze, some other things. Thus the tree was decorated for the season except for the top. She didn't by a tree top. The tree, for the time being, remained topless. As I was cleaning her living room one afternoon, the topless tree began to really bug me. "It's unfinished!" I said to myself. Now, I have a bizare sense of humor. I like to do little sight gags now and again, and this topless tree called out for, not only a treetop, but a gag! (If I ever get married, she's GOT to have a sense of humor... or at least get me). The top just called for it! "Joe, you must make a small travesty out of the sanctity of Christmas! You must! Here's an opportunity!" I quickly scanned the room... And, there they were... Three Beanie Babies... THREE sitting on a shelf of the entertaiment center I just polished. There was a rhino...there was a walrus... and there was the ostrich. I scanned them and quickly asked, "What is the most obsurd of the three?" Yup, you know it! The Walrus! I grabbed that Beanie Baby Walrus and hoisted him right on top of that tree! I grabbed the rhino and placed him in the tree. I grabbed that ostrich, and he too went in the tree. Sadly, the walrus kept falling.... I tried several ways to get him to stay, but that damn stuffed animal wasn't designed for such a task as sitting on top of a Christmas tree. "Damn," I said to myself. "Damn! This would have been funny!" Eventually, I settled on the ostrich. The walrus leaned on a branch in the tree, the Ostrich sat on the top... and he stayed. The rhino, I forgot about him. I guess he stayed where he was. Now, I forgot I did this... as most of my gags once I do them... I figure they wait to be discovered... the discoverer will make the reveal. A week later, it was my young nephew who spied the odd tree top.... "Joe?" he began (they still to this day never have called me "Uncle Joe"... those brats!) "What?" I asked from the couch. I was probably watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." "Why is there an ostrich on top of the tree?" "Oh," I stalled trying to figure out what he was talking about... then it dawned on my... my gag! "That's the Christmas Ostrich!" I said with glee. "The Christmas ostrich?" the five year-old asked. "Yeah...haven't you heard of it?" I asked. "It's in the Bible." I left it at that and went about watching the TV. I guess my nephew was satisfied, because he went on with this business.... It was that moment I birthed a new family tradition. Sadly, the Ostrich did not stay there. He was replaced with the tree topper I had bought for the tree I had in my apartment from the college days. The Ostrich did remain a part of the tree... It took two years for that little bugger to finally reach the top, where he has been ever since.
The End
What I really wanted to do was tell a Christmas story.... a real Christmas story... not made up. It's the actual, to God true tales about the Christmas ostrich... where it came from. I did write a short story about the Christmas story, and I am sure there are those that would like to know how this became a tradition in our family's household.... Ready?
Upon exiting graduate school the first time, I found myself homeless. My sister took me in from the cold and I began sleeping on a cot in my niece's bedroom. It was a three bedroom townhouse she just bought for herself and her two children. I moved in around September, and before you knew it, it was Christmas. My sister was excited about the chance to have her first Christmas in her new pad. Off to the store she went to buy, not only a tree, but all the tree fixins. And, to celebrate she made a party out of trimming the tree... There were wings, booze, some other things. Thus the tree was decorated for the season except for the top. She didn't by a tree top. The tree, for the time being, remained topless. As I was cleaning her living room one afternoon, the topless tree began to really bug me. "It's unfinished!" I said to myself. Now, I have a bizare sense of humor. I like to do little sight gags now and again, and this topless tree called out for, not only a treetop, but a gag! (If I ever get married, she's GOT to have a sense of humor... or at least get me). The top just called for it! "Joe, you must make a small travesty out of the sanctity of Christmas! You must! Here's an opportunity!" I quickly scanned the room... And, there they were... Three Beanie Babies... THREE sitting on a shelf of the entertaiment center I just polished. There was a rhino...there was a walrus... and there was the ostrich. I scanned them and quickly asked, "What is the most obsurd of the three?" Yup, you know it! The Walrus! I grabbed that Beanie Baby Walrus and hoisted him right on top of that tree! I grabbed the rhino and placed him in the tree. I grabbed that ostrich, and he too went in the tree. Sadly, the walrus kept falling.... I tried several ways to get him to stay, but that damn stuffed animal wasn't designed for such a task as sitting on top of a Christmas tree. "Damn," I said to myself. "Damn! This would have been funny!" Eventually, I settled on the ostrich. The walrus leaned on a branch in the tree, the Ostrich sat on the top... and he stayed. The rhino, I forgot about him. I guess he stayed where he was. Now, I forgot I did this... as most of my gags once I do them... I figure they wait to be discovered... the discoverer will make the reveal. A week later, it was my young nephew who spied the odd tree top.... "Joe?" he began (they still to this day never have called me "Uncle Joe"... those brats!) "What?" I asked from the couch. I was probably watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." "Why is there an ostrich on top of the tree?" "Oh," I stalled trying to figure out what he was talking about... then it dawned on my... my gag! "That's the Christmas Ostrich!" I said with glee. "The Christmas ostrich?" the five year-old asked. "Yeah...haven't you heard of it?" I asked. "It's in the Bible." I left it at that and went about watching the TV. I guess my nephew was satisfied, because he went on with this business.... It was that moment I birthed a new family tradition. Sadly, the Ostrich did not stay there. He was replaced with the tree topper I had bought for the tree I had in my apartment from the college days. The Ostrich did remain a part of the tree... It took two years for that little bugger to finally reach the top, where he has been ever since.
The End
posted by "Just" Joe at 9:16 PM
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