What would you do...

with a drunken sailor, early in the morning?

That's my question for you.

Personally, I think I would avoid drunken sailors. I think that's just a recipe for disaster.

The Endless...

bull shit that is finding a job. I swear to goddess, that if I have to print out yet another resume... I will spit!

Anyway, things on my end are the usual. I think. I've been kind of, well, not thinking about much lately. Really, what's there to think about?

Anyway, I think it is important to note that ummmm.... that... ummmm.

See, I guess it is time for some random... no.

Anyway, I am going to go do stuff for a job fair in the morning. I hate those things. Endless lines and dumb people.

Finding better ways to spend evenings...

besides sitting here in front of this computer.

The weather is shitty, and I have this desire to just GO somewhere. I guess it is better to be warm inside that out there where it can't decide if it really wants to snow or just flurry. It comes and it goes and comes and goes and comes and goes and comes and goes. Make a fucking decision already, Mother Nature!

The mind is rather blank lately. I was on a trip today, and for one hour I just stared at the lines on the seat of a bus. How ridiculous is that? I did have music on, but I barely heard it. In that hour of staring, I accomplished nothing. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. It could be the season. It could be other things.... A wasted opportunity to make some plans, goals, and decisions. I did decide that I like the song "Creep" by Radiohead. That was the big AH-HA moment I had while I watched a zig hit a zag on that seat.

Did you know that the wheels of a bus go round and round? Yeah! They do! Round and round and round... all over the town.

The bus driver wanted to open his own candy business. He gave me some samples. He was rather excited about this new endeavor. I could tell by the way he expressed himself. His eyes glowed with excitement. I envied him. My eyes haven't really glowed lately. That candy wasn't bad either. It was for his new line of lollipops. He also told me he bought 95 flavors of extract. "Can you believe there are 95 flavors of extract?" he asked me. I could honestly say I didn't. I can also honestly say that I never gave extract that much thought. I can also honestly say that I have absolute little to no knowledge about candy making (I did tour a candy factory once... But, while I was there, I only thought of Ommpa Lumpus and if somebody would fall into a vat of chocolate and the Ommpa Lumpus would sing about it and I would be the only one left after awhile and then become a proud owner of that candy factory). I know some people drink that extract shit because some have alcohol and they have some serious drinking problems. I guess I don't have that serious problem where I would consider a flavor to get drunk on, and then proceed to drink that flavor. I think it is the same people who find NyQuil a fine libation. After we had this conversation, I went back to my investigation of the bus seat... while listening to Pink Floyd's "Animals." Another zag stretched out with other zags... and zig ended abruptly. I gave the extract issue another two seconds of thought, and filed it under "Useless Information to be Pondered Upon at a Later Date." You just never know when you might need such information for something, or for some good pondering.

95 is a large number for flavors. I personally just prefer the chocolate flavor... and the vanilla flavor. That isn't so complicated. And, it is just two flavors.... Oh, I did ask him if he makes his own chocolate. He said that it is a goal, but for now he buys it. "Cool," I said. What else is there to say? Anyway, I wish this bus driver luck on his dream. It's good to have a dream. I need a dream. That's what I need... a nice, good old-fashioned, 95 extracted flavored dream. For now, I think I shall dream in bed.

IT ANNOYS ME...

to think that... that... oh, I can't find the words. I am sooooo pissed off. Let's just say, ummm... I can't find the words. Fucking Illinois! THAT WORKS!!! I need to find other things to pass the time besides Illinois Fucking Basketball!

I will try to find the funnies later. I can't... stupid, Illinois.

There is nothing...

that can kill an evening like doing the laundry. As I have mentioned before, I hate laundry. HATE IT! I think it is the process. Since the machines here at the homestead suck ass, I have to sort and then pack the shit into the trunk. Then, I have to dive miles to go to the laundromat. Then, I have to fight for machines and dryer space. AND, of course, I wait until the last minute to do it. That means, I have shitloads. So, I spend much time at the laundromat watching it spin and spin and spin... and, I know it is never really that clean. AND, it never gets that dry. It would take mucho quarters to get everything perfect. Laundromats suck. Those machines get beat to death by assholes (such as myself) who also wait until the last minute to clean their wardrobe. Then, once the shit is finished, I have to stuff it in bags, take it home, fold and sort it. Hours and hours of my life GONE because society demands good hygiene. Yes, we must look "professional." Oh, how I hate looking "professional." My body actually rejects professionalism. I can never keep my shirt tucked in or my pants from being stained. Erggg.... It's so annoying. AND, when I am finished, there is no sense of satisfaction, because soon I have to go do it again. Endless, endless cycles of bullshit.

I think laundry can be a metaphor for life. I don't exactly know how to word that metaphor, but it is there... and it ends with "endless cycles of bullshit."

Now, I don't want to do anything that I really have to do... I have much to do, but laundry has soured my mood.

I hate laundry.

Profound Wisdom...

...which I don't have to share. For that I apologize. I wish I did have something to share, but those profound moments don't seem to happen when I actually sit down to write something. Sad really. I wish I had profound moments. I wish I had a surplus of things to share and enlighten. I've always wanted to be an oracle... or a bastion for truth .... Where the hell is this thing going.


Gads!

Maybe I should just keep it simple and wish everybody and anything a Happy Valentine's Day.

So... ummmm... Happy Valentine's Day?

Time is moving sooooo slowly....

I want this over with! The waiting is starting to really get to me. Ever since I decided to hightail it out of dodge when my contract expires this summer, time just stopped. It literally just stopped. I can't stand this! I want this to be over and done with so I could go on to my next adventure. All I have been doing is waiting. AND, my recommendation letter writers are not cooperating either. I've got one. I need two more. I can't get the "new job" process into high gear until I have those sweet babies in hand. I've got everything else, but those damn letters. Shit. SHIT! SHITTY SHIT SHIT!

I am so tired of this shit. The more I stay here, the more I start to feel as if I am suffocating. I can't explain this feeling. ERGGGGG!!!!! So, even though I didn't want to and because I've been over doing the idea a bit.... BUT, because I am soooo aggravated, and my idea for a stellar blog went the way of the dodo bird..... it is time for some.... RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!!!


1. TIME HAS STOPPED, GODDAMNIT!!! IT LITERALLY HAS JUST STOPPED!!!!!

2. The weird weather shifts lately have made me start thinking that, ummmm... that ... ummm... they haven't really made me think anything, I guess. Of course, I am worried about my car. I don't think it likes them. It moans from time to time. That really scares me. Cars shouldn't moan, should they? And, there are mornings I can't open the windows because ice is a real bastard. Ice, I think, is really a Latin term for "water glue." Seriously, it's "water glue."

3. "TICK! TICK! TICK! TICK!" says the clock every second of the day. Did you know that? Every second. Do you think clocks get sick and tired of being so repetitive all the time? Digital clocks give a hummmmmm... which, again, in Latin, I think means, "tick." I often wonder what "tick" means in Latin. "Repeat" maybe? Ticks are also bugs that suck blood. I hate those things.

4. TIME HAS STOPPED, GODDAMNIT! IT LITERALLY HAS JUST STOPPED!!!!!!

5. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. That rather sucks. I hate Valentine's Day more then ever.... Every other damn commercial is a Jared's commerical. OR, Kay's. ... Where the hell did all these diamonds come from? AND WHY DO "THEY" INSIST ON GIVING THEM TO JARED'S AND KAY???? Have they no mercy? IF I SEE ONE MORE JARED'S AD... I'LL... I'LL... I'LL go build a time machine, find Rhodes, and kick his English ass!!!! ("ONE POINT TWENTY-ONE JIGGAWATTS!") Have some shame, DeBeers! HAVE SOME SHAME! We need to stop this consumerist madness before it's toooooo late!

6. I am downloading a video on the Russian Revolution for shits and giggles. If I am going to be bored, I might as well be REAL bored.

7. Time keeps slipping... slipping... slipping... into the future.

8. I wonder how creative people tend to remain that way. What is their secret? I really want to know, because the wheels keep spinning, but my hamster is dead. Sigh.

9. I am not saying that we should stop all diamond sales. They are nice little gems, all sparkling and such, but I think we should just eliminate Jared's and Kay's. Seriously, they keep telling us, every goddamn holiday that it is okay to go into bankruptcy as way of telling that special someone we love them. I personally think a simply said three words can do that job, but Jared's says no... Three figures does that job.

10. I wish I was hungry.... I've rather lost my appetite and nothing, I mean nothing sounds good to me anymore. Well, steak sounds good to me. And, lobster sounds good to me..... and ... Scratch this thought. It has rather become a mute point.

11. I don't actually like the color red much. I just thought I'd mention it.

12. I get no kick from champaign!!! Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all... so tell me now, why should it be true... I get a kick, out of you! Cole Porter rocks!

13. I don't think thirteen should be an unlucky number. In the world of bakers, it means one extra doughnut.

14. The thoughts are not coming anymore. I ... sigh... hamster is now rotting... rotting away.

15....... WHAT IS THAT I HEAR????? A JARED'S AD?????? Time for that time machine! I'm coming for you Rhodes... you and your scholars too! MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAA!!!

A Reason I Hate My Name....

Al Died

Al died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Joe and Hank. The three men had always done everything
together.

Joe arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Joe said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Joe said, 'Nope, ain't Al.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Hank
in to confirm the identity of the body.

Hank looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Hank said, 'No,
it ain't Al.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Hank said, 'Well, Al had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Al
with them two assholes.

No Good Deed...

goes unpunished. This is very true, let me tell you. This weekend I helped a friend move. I think there was an Internet joke that went about regarding friendship. It said something like friends will prevent you from driving drunk, but true friends help you bury dead bodies... something like that. As far as I am concerned, that expression is bullshit. Real friends help you move. There is not one thing more of a pain-in-the-ass then a move, except helping a friend move. All week long I've been battling something that was attacking my immune system. It really didn't take hold. Basically, I was winning the battle and almost functioning at 100%... That is until I exhausted myself moving heavy shit all day Saturday. When I awoke Sunday morning, I felt like shit. My muscles hurt from movement they weren't used to... To cap it off, I was drowning in snot. I was coughing out a lung. My head was literally about to explode. Needless to say, I have spent the last couple of days on the couch. I feel a little better now. I can't hear out of my right ear, but for the most part I can function again. It's not fair. Why must one suffer for a good deed? Explain that to me? Errgg... Bad karma indeed. I can't even do good things right! Anyway, I am going back to the couch for the rest of the evening. I don't feel like rocking the boat and relapsing in more coughing/sneezing fits. Later.

Bad Karma Days...

It never really ends, does it? If it isn't one thing, it is another. I did laundry, and it never dried. I have clothing everywhere. I didn't have enough quarters to finish the job. It's rather cold in here as I have my army of wind blowing devices working on trying to rectify the situation. I have never lived in an apartment where the dryer actually dried. It's about the quarters, I think. Those rat bastards want more quarters! BUT, I won't let them have any satisfaction by giving the greedy nasties more quarters! No state quarters for you! AND, what else? I had flat while driving on Friday. Almost a flat. Saturday morning was spent running around getting that taken care of and pronto. I needed the care for business. That, and to actually go anywhere. Sunday, I was sick in to the stomach because I had to have that extra beer. Ummmm... Sunday, I was pelted with snow balls from the sky. That shit hurt! . Ummmmm... I was hit in the face at work on Monday. .... And, it goes on and on. So, today, I have decided to call in dead.

Therefore, it's time for some RANDOM THOUGHTS!!! BUT, not many, because, after all, I called in dead. I don't want to spook anybody with voices of the deceased.

1. If you look at the ingredients of a water bottle, it is clear that water really isn't very good for you. It offers absolutely nothing, in terms of nutrition. Weird.

2. My iPod was in my pocket. My mints were in my pocket. The iPod somehow got into the mints... And, when I reached for the iPod, it had fresh minty breath... and covered with mint dust. What the hell was it doing with the mints in my pocket? That, and I played my top 25 songs. Selection 24 and 25? I have really ever listened to those tracks! I am thinking the mints had something to do with it. Bad mints! BAD!

3. How does a single man have such a messy apartment? I only really live in one room! AND, that room is actually pretty clean! I am thinking that my stuff is secretly planning to kill me, and when I leave, it situates itself in strategic positions to eventually overwhelm and then murder me. But, don't worry folks. I have put some of it away! "Curses," say my things. "Foiled again!"

4. Altoids? I am thinking that they aren't all that curiously strong.

5. I had popcorn for dinner last night. I had it the night before. I had it the night before that. When do I start emitting ethonal?

6. My good watch has run out of battery juice. My shit $5 watch is still going strong after several years. Now explain that to me?

7. I don't understand the coffee machines that make only one cup of coffee. How can anybody have just one cup of coffee? That's just insane! It is almost as insane as Altoids saying they are curiously strong! I have never once even thought about the strength of Altoids. Never, ever been curious. EVER!

8. They now have chocolate covered Altoids. Okay, who out there said, "I am curious! How would Altoids taste with chocolate covering?" I want to meet you. Because, man, I thought I had no life! You're thinking about ALTOIDS!

9. I like Altoids tins... I store stuff in some of them like toothpicks and spare change. Dead bodies don't fit. My suggestion is to keep contents on the smaller side.

AND, finally!


10. WHERE ARE MY KEYS!?!?!?!?


Later.

IT'S INSANE!!!

This weather is insane! Last Friday I was stuck in the house because of snow, and today I am stuck in the house because I might drown. We just lost power here a second ago! I was in the dark. Actually, I've been in the dark a lot. Why have lights on? It's just me and a fish. Anyway, it has been pouring rain now for the last 2343353534 hours. In addition, the thermometer hit 50-something. I hate this. I HATE IT! It just produces bad karma for me. Saturday morning I had to deal with a flat tire. Today I was punched at work (I won't go into details, but let me tell you, I am reconsidering my career choice). Sunday I had stomach issues. I don't think it was the amount I drank on Saturday night. My friends all had stomach issues. We all ate the same thing. Here I was upset that I drank to much. It could be that ... ummm... the food was bad.

WHY AM I STILL IN THE MIDWEST!!! Of course, this weather shit is all over. I am thinking about living in a bubble.

Because of this weather shit, my interest in writing anything is null. How can anybody be creative when Mother Nature can't make up her mind? Snow is back in the forecast for Thursday and Friday! What the fuck?

In other news.... There is no other news. Today just stunk. It stunk from the moment I woke up, and it will suck until I go to bed in the next few minutes. I hate today. Today can go ... can go... it can go be Tuesday. I am fed up with Monday. GOOD-BYE, MONDAY! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Oh, and I did laundry here at the apartment for the first time? The dryers fucking blow ass! Most of my clothes are still damp, and I just don't have the quarters nor the time to wait for them to dry. Fuck! I hate laundry... and I hate laundry on Monday. AND, I hate laundry and bad dryers!

I hate all of this! THIS... THIS... THIS Monday!

I am outta here! I am going to hide.