OH BOY!!!! I CAN HARDLY WAIT!!! (Caution: Emotion driven rant ahead!)

Whiner boy says:

I open my in-box and there is always one of these horoscopes. I can't remember which site I stupidly gave my e-mail too... Anyhoo, I decide and read it today for no other reason but sheer boredom... AND, it says....

Thursday, Oct 9th, 2008 -- Today you may get a glimpse of the intense times that lay ahead for you. This little "fast forward" can be instrumental as you try to figure out what you want to do next. But don't try to make any important decisions yet, for you haven't had sufficient time to explore the different paths. Instead, remain open to wherever you are led; you'll have time later to make a more educated choice.

Oh boy! Intense times ahead!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE LAST FEW WEEKS!?!?!?

SHIT!

It says that I need to basically weather the damn storm before I make some "educated" choice about "the path." I guess today's peruse through the Help Wanted Ads was jumping the gun a bit. Intense times ahead.... intense times ahead.... DAMN!

What IS the right path? Did you know, ladies and gentlemen, that two days after I was let loose from the hospital this past summer I was called by a new place of possible work for an interview that would have brought me back North had I won the position...and into a place that would have been SWEET? I remember thinking, "Well, fuck! This... THIS is inconvenient." I wasn't ready, to say the least, in taking this interview. I said to myself, "What do I do? What do I do?" Eventually, she e-mailed me (the employer) asking if I had already accepted a position. I told her yes... She asked why. I said, "I started a few things that I wanted to see produce fruit before I left them..." or something like that.... I remember thinking that it wasn't quite the right time for me to "leave" where I was due to my medical circumstances... "This must be part of the plan," I told myself. "I didn't snuff it and I am to return to central Illinois because of something.... Okay, God (I prayed), what is it?" I deluded myself into thinking there was a reason for my dumb luck. "There is a purpose," I muttered to myself as I rolled down the highway.... "There is a purpose for all of this!" I also thought there may be a couple other things that I have since determined were really faulty thoughts on my part (Mental note: Joe... USE HEAD!!! USE HEAD!!!) that brought me back here. I was trying to be positive... I was going to be open and all this shit. Well, fuck... if I am not in the same fucking boat as I was last year, except I have no vices.

I love the people I call my close friends that I have made here. Please, don't get me wrong. ... BUT, they're all busy with their own lives. God bless them...As for me, being single ... completely... in this town.... fucking blows ass... and add the fact I can't drink alcohol on top of that... AND, I won't believe anybody who tells me otherwise when I say the following. I am further crippled by being from North of I-80. .... I can sense, and at times, see the reactions when I mention my "Chicagoness." The reactions aren't positive... . "They hate us here," said a friend of mine not to long ago. . It was confirmed again the other night by a native... that same native who asked, "Why are you here...blah...blah...blah..."

I don't talk about my feelings to my local friends. I don't think they would understand... Or, maybe I don't understand... But, mainly, I don't feel like getting the whole bullshit pep talks I usually get. "Central Illinois is growing on ya!" they say. "No it isn't," I don't vocalize. Instead I just smile. "Maybe," I eventually manage to say. "You're accepted! You belong" They say. "By you and only you ... a small group of voices, but not by many others. AND, I am often out of place... You can see that... Can't you?" I say to myself. Outside, I say, "Perhaps." Face it, I don't have the history here that everybody I know has.... I won't ever have the history..... AND, I think I am one of a few pollacks that actually exist in these parts.

Last year... I don't remember when it was.... I made the decision to not get involved with anybody. There was a moment there where I actually thought I wanted too, and actually go back on my initial pledge... "Joe," I said to myself. "Look. Let's look at this positively. You can actually HAVE feelings for somebody... That's something you haven't felt in awhile. How nice to see that you aren't a cold, heartless bastard. Good for you! BUT, NO! NOPE! NO WAY! NO HOW! YOU WILL NOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS!" Oh, my dear, bored reader who is probably sick and tired of hearing or reading shit like this, have no idea of the debates that raged in my head over this!!! They were monumental! Stupendous! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!!! Joe's Head versus Joe's Heart at some nameless arena!!!! The question, do I take the shot? Do I put myself out there!!!!?????.... ... Aren't those the best type of discussions? That type of thought process? Round and around.. and the ifs and if nots... and all that jazz? I usually avoid such conversations with myself and roll along merrily... In this instance, I eventually managed to talk myself out of it... I managed to hammer out 5,000 different reasons why it was a bad idea to get involved...... And, I eventually narrowed it down to this simple thought, "If this person can't see me, and a great asset (I think in terms of business... silly me)., then I really shouldn't waste my time"... that and, well, the rule to not start any relationships because my time here was to be short... I was going to hold myself to that.

THUS, the plans begun!!!! I was going to leave!!! I was excited about this... but, well,... here I am... .... The search was on for new ports had become stalled!!!! Health and bad luck, and I hoped there would be a reason for the misfortune, but it ... well... I am pretty convinced there isn't!!! BUT, my dear, why haven't you left yet reader, my quest to find "home" will continue again! I am THIS close to just bailing now! I WON'T...BECAUSE, I have some promises to keep. BUT, ummmm... yeah, come January it's time to forge forward and find a road map to new ports. In the meantime, I will look for any opportunity to leave town for short term travels to keep sane and active. I have nothing really to ... well... stick around for... keeping me here... no reason to NOT go and see shit. What would you do in my position??? Yup, you'd learn to be alone and go see shit. This weekend I head to Wisconsin!!! WOO HOO!!!! Me, myself, and I in the woods.... SWEET!!! Too see friends the weekend after.... Illinois Vs. Wisconsin game in Madison after that....Chicago after that.... St. Louis after that.... "Joe Drinks a Beer Party" up in Chicago the weekend after that.... Well, that's all I got. Thanksgiving sometime in there...then Christmas... Hmmm... I need to fill up some extraneous weekends.... hmmm...

It's hard to live in a place that makes you feel alone, left-out, isolated, and committed too for a bit.

Done with my rant. Stupid horoscope.

Prost!

Might as well leave you all with a smile... After all, I wouldn't be me if I didn't try.

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