The Memories: Best of Part IV

Hi! Again a cop-out today! I have to run and don't have the time to think of anything original. Nor is there much to say at the moment. SO, deal with this little gem about mornings.

First aired on April 25, 2005

Oh Dear Lord!

Here I am... thinking... thinking... thinking and wondering why I am even attempting to get back into the "real world!" ... What the hell was I thinking!?! The alarm goes off at 5:45am, and at that moment, I realize the day is ruined. I HATE alarm clocks. I hate having to have to go upstairs and make coffee. I hate making coffee. I need coffee, which is the rub. I need coffee to get passed the 5:45am thing so I have to make the coffee, which I hate doing. AND, then I have to make my lunch. I hate making lunch! I HATE IT! I hate the fact I have to determine what I want for lunch when I haven't determined what is I want for breakfast. Seriously, I make the sandwich, but what if, four hours later, I decide that the sandwich I made was not in fact the sandwich I wanted at that moment... it was the other sandwich I didn't think I wanted to make that becomes the sandwich of my desire... Stuck, now I have to eat the damn inferior unwanted sandwich while dreaming of the sandwich I wanted.. I hate making lunch... and then I hate the shower, because I have to force myself to remember the process... Cus, you know, I haven't had the coffee yet. It's brewing. So, 5:45am still lingers in my thoughts... OH SHIT! The water is cold. I forgot to adjust the water before I stepped in! SON OF A BITCH!!! COLD! COLD!! TOO HOT! TOOOOO FUCKING HOT!!!! Damn! (I do the "water is too hot dance" in the shower)... Ahh, finally water is perfect...skin scolded, but water nice... fuck, soap dropped. Shit, dropped it again! Hey? No shampoo? Shampoo in hall closet, I am dripping naked wet... shit... shit... Now I do the "Shampoo is in the hall closet" shuffle with a REALLY small towel meant for children because I was in a hurry and grabbed it and not thinking because I hate showering like I hate making coffee and lunch...It is an extreme effort not to embarrass myself in case somebody walks in on me... I drip, drip, drip on my journey and realize that holding a small towel with one hand (around my sensitive parts) and shuffling through closet contents that hide shampoo is rather difficult... Fucking towel is holding up the process... Damn! Time! TIME! I must get ready in time! TIME!!! It's all about time. I have to be somewhere on TIME!!! TIME!!! It was 5:45 time, but it can't be that time now... Fuck towel! Need two hands! Dear lord, nobody wake up.. please, for the LOVE of god, nobody wake up! Ahh, shampoo... ALL THE WAY BACK THERE!!!!! I am splunking for shampoo! Baby shampoo... No tears... Fuck it.. Though I love the "tear producing kind" this will have to do... Slip on my water drippings to the shower which now just doesn't feel right (Ever notice how much water is left on the floor when a shower is interrupted for a journey? Jesus! There's more on the floor then coming out of the spout in the shower!). That shower feeling is gone! The shower had been interrupted and now it sucks. It was good, but now... Ruined... a lousy shower. Actually, not a shower at all, but a man-made rainstorm in the morning. But, at least I am naked. No ruined clothing... No wet shirts. No umbrellas to fucking make things worse because, damn man, those things are awkward!!! Focus! Focus on the shower rain... I have to get used to the whole thing again, all on the account I didn't look for shampoo prior to getting in! My fault! Should have been thinking. Should've had coffee... Should not have been watching adult swim the night before... Fuck... fuck... dropped my razor..... shoot! Broke! BROKE! ... Where's razor blade! There's blade. There's me grabbing blade. There's me looking at blood coming from finger.. There is me watching blood swirl down the drain... There's me thinking about the movie Psycho. There's me now afraid I am about to be murdered in the shower by some man dressed as a woman with a knife... A BIG KNIFE!!! BIG and will make me bleed a lot, like this razor blade... Damn! Damn... Shower done! Blood stopped. Big puddle on floor! Use my pjs to wipe up mess. Going to pay for that later when I forget I used them as rags and put them on to go to bed later on because I rolled them up and threw them on the bed.. Rolled up things don't dry. I should've thought of that... Nope, I need coffee... PJs? That will be a nice END to a fucking bad day... Coffee? I made coffee! Oh joy! Light! Tunnel! Coffee! Run to find coffee! I love coffee! COFFEE!!!!! Coffee???? Coffee is in big puddle all over kitchen counter and floor... Coffeemaker mysteriously blocked by unknown force! I stare at coffee...coffee puddle growing larger! Coffee grounds permeate from everywhere!!!! Coffee... coffee... Suddenly reminded of movie Psycho... This time I am man dressing as a woman ready to kill EVERYBODY with a super LARGER knife!!!!! Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh!!! Fuck, TIME! I have no TIME... Clean up mess. Use towels! Must use paper towels. Not up here under sink! Run to laundry room for more! Step in cat shit, cus cat decided not to make it to litter box... No time to swear! No time to kill cat! Later! Mental note: Kill some cat later!... Run and wipe up coffee... oh, poor coffee... poor, poor, poor coffee... on the floor... on the floor everywhere! *Sniff*... Clean! And, need more coffee!!! Shit, no more coffee? There has to be coffee? Where is the coffee!!!???!!!??? AHHHH, of course! It's behind EVERYTHING in the pantry! Again, splunking in different type closet. Find COFFEE!!! Filters? Are they in this cave known as pantry? Hey, I didn't know we had that? Hmmm... Anyway, Coffee on! Me dress! Me remember cat shit! No time to make a fuss!! clean up shit.. again, mental note: Kill a cat.... Dress! Scramble because I am late! LATE!!!! Run up for lunch, shit, I made that sandwich? Why that sandwich????!!!!????? Oh, coffee... Where is traveling mug??? Shit! Still in car! I was too lazy to drag it out of there!!! To car!!!! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Raining? You have got to be fucking kidding me???? RAIN???? Cold! Cold! COFFEE!!!! Go get stuff! Get to car! Drive car! What was that noise? SHIT!!!! MY COFFEE!!! I left it on top of the roof so I could get my supplies into the car!!! Coffee! ALL OVER STREET! GONE! GONE!!! .... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








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