It All Ends Now!!!

Today, in the shower, I decided I need more in my pathetic existence on this planet. I am 33 and have a minimal of responsiblities. I am single. I take care of myself essentially. I don't have to clear my schedule with anybody. That is great! So, why don't I do anything? Lately, I have been thinking about the rut I have put myself in with the mundane. I wake up everyday to the alarm. I do the "get ready for work" thing. I go to work. I do my work thing. I come home. I do whatever it is I need to do to prepare of the next round of the same thing. Everyday, over and over and over.... A friend of mine helped me find some groups I may find of interest. I may check them out, just to get out of my apartment. I like intellectual pursuits. I guess the things that I am really involved in, other then my beer hobby, all deal with gathering information. I love information. Recently I kicked some major triva ass over at Buffalo Wild Wings on that NTN thing they have going. Ever play NTN? It is simply Trivia TV. I know this may be the seasonal thing I go through this time of year. I really try to avoid making any major life decisions when I am in this state of mind. I know that I am not essentially thinking with my best interests in mind. So, I try to be careful. For example, I decided today at 2:10pm that I am sooooo outta here. That is, to pack up, and hit the road to begin the next chapter of my life (that is, when my current responsilibites are over). Maybe that isn't quite the right decision to make at the moment. I am merely working off unbridled emotion. However, I do feel I need to get more involved. One idea I've been kicking around is taking guitar lessons. When I was younger, I made this decision to stop piano lessons to become a great ballplayer. Needless to say, I am not a great ballplayer. I am just a mediocre writer doing work stuff on a daily basis. Why guitar? Because I have some friends who know how to play, and on some occasions they would bring out the instrument and we'd have a sing-a-long. I know, that sounds kinda hokey. Hokey or not, I loved the experiences. Maybe I need more creative outlets to fill the void I feel. My friends say I need a woman. That's a cop-out. Besides, no sense of even tackling that when, again, I am in this wonderful state of mind. That, and I don't think a relationship is the end all to end all problems. I've learned that you can't be happy with someone, unless you are happy with yourself. I am not happy with myself, thus any type of relationship would be doomed to begin with. I believe this will all my heart. Also, when I find I am interested in somebody, I 1) hold back 2) scared of my feelings because I generally choose woman that ultimately fuck me over, 3) there is some obstacle in the way, for example, they don't see me that way. I am not the world's most socially acceptable person. I honestly don't care too much about society's opinoin on these matters of what is "right" versus "wrong." Society can go fuck itself. We keep forgetting it is about choice, and I won't have anybody, including a gazillion of stupid sheep tell me elsewise (how's that for a politically charged statement... Smoking bans, my ass!) (hmmm, maybe it is comments like this that also prevent me from finding a date... .... .... .... ... I am a hot-headed individual of eastern Eurpean origins) Number 3 has been the bain of my existence for the last several years. Which is why I am almost to the point of just saying, "Fuck it! Perhaps I wasn't meant to have anybody, and I should just start living my life to that accord." There is always something... I guess the point, I ... I just don't know anymore. I guess it is best to just bury my feelings like I usually do and go about my business, like learning to play the guitar. I am pretty good about that. In fact, I could write a book. So, my emotional wall continues to stand. I am a rock. I am an Island. Now, that I, and possibly you, my dear reader who actually choose to read through this bullshit, am (are) depressed, I shall take my leave. Actually, I feel better. I just can't be funny all the time. I keep forgetting that I too am human. Later.