Book O' Disease IV

Chapter 15

Ring Worm

The nearest Toys’r’us was located in Shiftywinkletonhamfieldburg Park. Bob the Dark Lord walked in on a mission. He wasn’t about to be stopped.

“Can I help you?” asked the clerk at the customer service counter.

“Yes you can!” said Bob.

“And, how may I do so, sir?”

“First,” began Bob the Dark Lord. “I need a map of all your locations.”

“Okay,” said the clerk a little taken a back.

“Second, how much for everything in your store?” Bob the Dark Lord opened his check book.

“Excuse me?” asked the clerk.

“You heard me… I want everything! I need to sponsor an event! I AM EVIL!”

Chapter 16

Meningitis

They mega flying fortress of darkly doom flew and plopped itself over Tripod like a menacing shadow. The citizens of Tripod quivered in fear. Their evacuation plans did not account for the swiftness and efficiency of the arrival of Carl the Darker Lord. They were trapped like rats.

“We’re doomed!” yelped a citizen of Tripod.

“We’re history!” yelped another.

Carl the Darker Lord came forth from a small entrance on the bottom side, wafting forth on a flying raft of darkly doom. He landed near the Mayor’s house. “I WAIT FOR NO INTRODUCTION!” yelled the darker lord as he excited his raft in a very evil fashion. “I AM CARL THE DARKER LORD! WHERE IS THIS BOB THE DARK LORD?”

A voice came from behind him. “I am right here,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am evil. Thanks for asking.”

Carl spun to face Bob. “I HEAR YOU INTEND TO RULE THE WORLD’S OCEANS?”

“It is an evil fact that I cannot deny!” said Bob the Dark Lord in return.

“I WAIT FOR NO EVIL FACTS!” There was a pause from Carl. “YOU WISH TO RULE THE OCEANS IN ORDER TO RULE THE WORLD, I GATHER?”

“That is correct,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “In fact, my army has been released into the sea.”

“I WAIT FOR NO ARMY!” Carl starred at Bob as if trying to size him up.

“The world will be mine momentarily. In fact, I can guarantee it,” said Bob.

“I WAIT FOR NO GUARANTEE!” said Carl. “THIS OCEAN BUSINESS IS FOOLISHNESS!”

“I’ve also been shopping!”

“I WAIT FOR NO SHOPPING!” said Carl.

“I am sponsoring an event!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “An evil event to further my evil ocean endeavors!”

“I WAIT FOR NO EVENTS!” barked Carl. “YOU ARE NOT EVIL!”

“Very evil, thank you very much.”

“I DO NOT WAIT FOR VERY EVIL!” Carl began to place his hands into his pocket. “BOB, THE SO CALLED DARK LORD, I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU! THIS WORLD IS MINE!” And, with those words, Carl the Darker Lord disappeared.

Bob looked confused. Carl was there. Now he wasn’t. “Where did you go?” he asked.

“I WAIT FOR NO…. I PUT THE WRONG RING OF POWER ON, YOU TWIT!”

Carl the Darker Lord materialized in front of Bob the Dark Lord wearing a ring of power with a dark purplish stone attached that he had bought recently at Walgreens. Oh, by the way, there is one less in the country, thanks to Carl. Fear not! It did not have one of those 24 hour emergency pharmacies. He raised his hand, containing the finger, that contained the ring, to Bob’s face. “YOU WILL DIE NOW!” But, just as Carl the Darker Lord was about to unleash the power of the ring of power, in the town came scabs… I mean scabs of delivery trucks from Toys’r’us. Within mere moments, the entire town of Tripod was surrounded with them. Toys’r’us trucks as far as the eyes can see. It was a convoy!

“I WAIT FOR NO CONVOY!” yelled Carl. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?!?” He looked at Bob as he continued to point his ring.

“I win!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am evil.”

“I WAIT FOR NO WIN!” said Carl the Darker Lord in response. “YOU WIN WHAT?”

“I have the most toys, as you can plainly see.”

There were scabs… I mean scabs of Toy’r’us trucks all around which contained toys. It was a convoy!

“I WAIT FOR NO TOYS!”

“I have the most!”

“I WAIT FOR NO MOST! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

Bob the Dark Lord said matter-of-factly, “HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS!

Carl the Darker Lord put down his hand. He began to glare.

“I see you have no toys. I win. I am evil.”

“I WAIT FOR…. HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS?” Carl the Dark Lord became perplexed. “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” he growled. “THAT MAKES NO SENSE!”

“I got it from a reliable source,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“I WAIT FOR NO SOURCE!”

“He sold me dog food,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Mad science based dog food.”

“I WAIT FOR NO DOG FOOD!” said Carl. “DOG FOOD?”

“Anybody as evil as anybody who sells dog food that can make dogs live longer so that they become a further financial burden on a family must be a very evil, and reliable source!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I AM EVIL!”

Carl the Darker Lord began to fume so much, he began to hyperventilate.

“I win,” said Bob. “I have the most toys. Count them if you wish!”

“I WAIT FOR NO COUNT!” Carl slipped the ring of power off his finger. “I WILL NOT WASTE THIS RING OF POWER BOUGHT AT WALGREENS ON THE LIKES OF SOMEBODY AS STUPID AS YOU!” Carl began to walk toward his raft of darkly doom. “TRIPOD, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, BOB, PREPARE TO DIE!”

“But, I win,” said Bob the Dark Lord pleadingly. “I have the most toys! I am sponsoring an event!”

Bob’s words fell on deaf, but very angry and disgusted ears.

Chapter 17

Whooping Cough

Carl the Darker Lord returned to his flying fortress of darkly doom and walked angrily toward his bridge. “I CANNOT BELIEVE I EVEN WORRIED ABOUT THAT…. THAT…. COMPLETE WASTE OF LIFE!”

Carl entered the bridge only to see that everybody that was supposed to be there had been stomped on. And, in the captain’s chair, Carl’s captain’s chair, sat a volcano creature.

“Hello, Carl the Darker Lord!” said Volcano Creature.

“I WAIT FOR NO HELLO,” said Carl. “WHO ARE YOU?”

“I… doesn’t matter.”

“I WAIT FOR NO MATTER!”

“Listen, Carl,” said Volcano Creature. “Bob the Dark Lord might not be as evil as you. He has some stupid schemes. Hell, he isn’t even smart. But, his heart isn’t in the right place.”

“I WAIT FOR NO HEART!” sneered Carl the Darker Lord.

“BUT, you gotta love the guy for trying and you gotta love the guy,” said Volcano Creature.

“I WAIT FOR NO GOTTA,” said Carl.

“Would you shut up,” said Volcano Creature. “Geesh! I don’t care what you won’t wait for!”

Carl the Darker Lord stood silent.

“It will be a cold day in hell before I let you or any other like you do harm to that man!” barked Volcano Creature. Before Carl could utter another word, he was stomped on…very…very…very stomped on.

Chapter 18

Polio

The citizens of Tripod cheered mightily as the mega flying fortress of darkly doom crashed into the mountains beyond.

“Bob the Dark Lord,” said the Mayor of Tripod as he emerged after cowering under his bed, “our town is indebted to you!”

Bob chirped. “I am evil. I have the most toys. I win.”

“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “You will forever be known as the man that stopped Carl the Darker Lord!”

The townspeople cheered.

“AND,” said the Mayor of Tripod, “the most favored citizen of Tripod!”

The townspeople clapped.

“The gala will go on, right?” asked Bob.

“Well, yes, of course!” said the Mayor.

“I was invited,” said Bob.

“You were!”

“AND, I am sponsoring an event!” said Bob.

“You are!” said the Mayor.

“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“Of course you are!” said the Mayor. “The evilest!”

Epilogue

Denny’s

The Anniversary Gala of Tripod went on to rousing success. That is, except for one event – the fishing derby sponsored by Bob the Dark Lord, most favored citizen of Tripod. Strangely, the only things the fishermen were able to catch were dead fish wrapped in newspaper. Nobody could understand why.

Oh, the toys? Yes, of course, the toys. Bob the Dark Lord, owner of pet stores across the country bought in order to control all the fish, eventually bought Toy’r’us to control all the toys. He eventually reopened the locations under a new name: Bob’s Toy’r’HIS!. “He with the most toys wins!” he told the crowd on the opening day of his new business. “I am evil!” he also said, but nobody really was listening after that. Some of those stores even have 24 hour pharmacies in case of emergencies. Quite the entrepreneur Bob the Dark Lord became… quite the entrepreneur…..and, he sponsored many more events…..

…..A small, blue beta fish swam up to a shark that happened to be swimming nearby in a very blue part of the ocean near some exotic location. “You will obey the master!” said the small, blue beta fish in fish.

“And you are?” asked the shark who also talked in fish.

“I am Ike. You will obey the master,” said the fish named Ike again.

“Why should I do that?” asked the shark. “I’d rather eat you!”

“You will obey the master,” said Ike. “You will obey Bob the Dark Lord!”

“Aren’t you one of those beta fish?” asked the shark starting to be completely mesmerized by Ike’s words. “Don’t you live in fresh water?”

“Evil power of mind, my boy” said Ike. “Evil power of mind!”

“Evil power of mind?” asked the shark.

“Can’t you feel the power of the voodoo emanating form dead fish wrapped in newspaper?” asked Ike.

“Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit strange,” said the shark.

“Then, embrace it! AND, listen to the master! Serve Bob the Dark Lord!”

“I will serve the Bob the Dark Lord,” said the Shark. “I will serve Bob the Dark Lord!”

“Now, go tell your friends!” said Ike, “About the evil power of mind and Bob the Dark Lord!”

“It is my pleasure,” said the shark. He swam away to go tell his friends.

Ike, the small, blue beta fish, if a fish could smile, did just that.

THE END

2008

Author’s Note: Bob the Dark Lord was not originally my idea. He in fact morphed from my nephew’s idea about a dark lord named Soran. Ask him about it someday. I am sure he will not be thrilled at telling you what a louse his uncle was for supposedly making fun of a young child’s dream in making it rich by writing a series of stories greater then “Harry Potter.”

I hope you had fun reading it as I did writing it.

As for the future of Bob? I will let time and life dictate that decision. Prost!