Happy Holidays!

I am going to hang up my hat for the holidays.... Before I do, I just wanted to wish you and yours a wonderful holiday season. Peace to you all!


Prost!

Christmas Party!

I found the following amusing.....

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All ASSOCIATES
DATE: 4 November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to announce the company Christmas Party on Dec. 23rd, starting with a festive lunch at noon, at the Beef Baron Grille. There will be a half-price cash bar and live music. Feel free to sing along to traditional carols.

Don't be surprised if the Santa Claus resembles our Managing Director who will make a special announcement at the Party
A Christmas Tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
to begin our traditional gift exchange: no gift should cost more than $10.00.

This jolly gathering is only for associates!
Merry Christmas to you and your Families,

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Associates
DATE: 5 November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intende d to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. We are now having a 'Holiday Party.' There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your families, Pauline.



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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Associates
DATE : 6 November

RE: Holiday Party

I received a request from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for a non-drinking table. I would have replied personally if you had signed your name. I'm happy to comply, but if I sign a table, "AA ONLY," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!! How do I handle this? Somebody? Anybody?

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
(The Union Off icials feel that $10.00 is too costly, and Management believes $10.00 is rather cheap.) Pauline.



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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees

DATE: 7 November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Rather than offend our Muslim associates, the food staff will delay serving your meals till sunset or package it for you in take-home bags. Will that work?

Also, I've arranged for Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet while pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men as both will have their own tables. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress: NO cross dressing allowed. And No, no inflatable sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics.


Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
I've had it with you Vegetarian pricks! This party will stay at the Beef Baron Grille! You have been alloted the table farthest from the "Grill of Agonizing Animal Sacrifice" as you describe it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar - including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Wishing all you losers a rotten holiday! DRINK, DRIVE & DIE!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting HUMAN RESOURCES DIRECTOR
Date: 10 November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recov ery. HR will forward your cards to her.

Her extended leave mandates that we cancel our Holiday Party. Instead, everyone will stop work at noon on
December 23 and have the afternoon off with full pay. How disappointed Pauline would be!

I am up early....

Damn! I couldn't sleep... so, here I am at 7:30 in the am.... I guess I will begin to find my apartment and stop wasting time here...

I suddenly got really tired last night... I came home early. Maybe when I fell asleep before 10:00 that pretty much set me up for an early rise... Oh, and sleeping on the couch probably didn't help much. I think my fish appreciates it. He isn't alone. He can see me from his tank thing.

Anyway, kids, I am off! OFF I SAY!!!!

Apartment and then.... ILLINOIS BASKETBALL IN THE HOUSE OF PAIGN!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

What is it with this fucking town that it can't bring in some good fucking movies?!?!?!?!


I can name several movies that I want to see that are nowhere near here!?!?!?! FUCK THIS!

Cripes!

Instead of staying on my couch and watching the boobtube (I don't watch it much), I decided to continue my daily walk. Of course, there is, outside, an ice storm... Well, it's freezing rain. "Well," I say, "What the fuck!" ... Out I went. It didn't take long, but I soon became a human icicle. That didn't stop me. It should've stopped me... In fact, the ice on the roads and sidewalks should've stopped me. Being a stubborn Polack, I continued forward. What a tricky walk... And what a stupid idiot I am!

It reminded me of that one time... back when I was young and stupid... Not like my old and stupid self. It was when I was younger, still foolish, and hopeful. Anyway, my friends and I decided, on a whim, to go to Mardi Gras. We decided to leave late at night ... Evidently right after an ice storm, similar to the shit I just walked in, and in the same place. While I was passing a truck, I lost control of my car, and into the median I went... The car embedded itself into a tree bush. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. However, I was thankful. A mile from my location, there was another accident that lead to fatality. After a wrecker freed my car from the tree bush, my friends and I drove to the next town and hoteled. The next morning, after a pow-wow, and reassurance from a mechanic that my car was drivable, we continued to Mardi Gras.
That was a time. That was an adventure. That was a four day drunk!

Earlier I began writing a story about one lousy day back in September. I don't plan on finishing it. I rather lost interest in the tale. Instead, for those faithfuls, and who give a shit, I will briefly finish it now.... And, yes, I lived.

Saturday Finished Briefly....

* Portaged Des Plaines River.
* Friend had anxiety attack putting us in emergancy room for three hours.
* Never made beer fest....
* Portaged back to city and had Polish food.
* Fought car back home trying not to over heat it...
* Priest in car hits my car.
* I make it home ALIVE!
* Liscense plate on front of car is missing.
* Find plate propped on a tree during my walk four blocks from home...
* Mechanic said I shorted the cooling system causing my over heating by running through a puddle (the same puddle that removed my plate).
* Returned to central Illinois where I've been living ... yahoo.... sigh.

The End

Well, kids, I've bored enough.

Prost!

Toppers!

I think it is rather hard to top the blog from yesterday, especially when it can be boiled down too: "There's an ostrich on top of the Christmas Tree because the walrus wouldn't stay".... Nevertheless, that was the case.

Christmas is around the corner, and suffice it to say, I have yet to feel jolly. It will be like it was last year. Christmas will come and go and I won't notice. I just know that my only prevailing thought as the New Year comes barreling along will simply be, "Will this ever end?" And, it won't. I must admit 2008 is or was a bullshit year. It simply was a bullshit year. There is so much I wish I could say or do, but I can't....

I don't want to come back to Central Illinois when the holidays are over. There's nothing to come back too...... nothing. One of the biggest emotions I have been grappling with since July has that huge feeling of loneliness that fell on my when I sat in the hospital dealing with my near... death? I guess it could've been that. It was painful. I can say that. I can't get rid of it... Being here just multiplies it TEN FOLD. I need to get OUT OF HERE.... great, I am becoming a downer. This is supposed to be a fun place. I will stop. Let's see if I can find an upper... Hang on:

Yeah... That's more like it... A very "Joe" cartoon... I will try this again when I am in better spirits. There is a walk that must be taken before it storms bloody murder. Peace!

I HATE THE MALL!!!

I was going to get on a soapbox and go bonkers about the mall and how I hate it. After some thought, I determined that such an entry would be quite boring. I think most people can assume that I wouldn't be a fan of the mall... especially around the holidays. I used to pride myself on the ability of avoiding the retail nightmare during this season. I have become a big fan of Internet shopping. Sadly, I needed a watch battery for my good watch. I knew there was a place that could help, and so I had to spend five minutes amongst Christmas time cheer.... Again, I told the story quickly, and you can see it is indeed boring... Indeed.

What I really wanted to do was tell a Christmas story.... a real Christmas story... not made up. It's the actual, to God true tales about the Christmas ostrich... where it came from. I did write a short story about the Christmas story, and I am sure there are those that would like to know how this became a tradition in our family's household.... Ready?

Upon exiting graduate school the first time, I found myself homeless. My sister took me in from the cold and I began sleeping on a cot in my niece's bedroom. It was a three bedroom townhouse she just bought for herself and her two children. I moved in around September, and before you knew it, it was Christmas. My sister was excited about the chance to have her first Christmas in her new pad. Off to the store she went to buy, not only a tree, but all the tree fixins. And, to celebrate she made a party out of trimming the tree... There were wings, booze, some other things. Thus the tree was decorated for the season except for the top. She didn't by a tree top. The tree, for the time being, remained topless. As I was cleaning her living room one afternoon, the topless tree began to really bug me. "It's unfinished!" I said to myself. Now, I have a bizare sense of humor. I like to do little sight gags now and again, and this topless tree called out for, not only a treetop, but a gag! (If I ever get married, she's GOT to have a sense of humor... or at least get me). The top just called for it! "Joe, you must make a small travesty out of the sanctity of Christmas! You must! Here's an opportunity!" I quickly scanned the room... And, there they were... Three Beanie Babies... THREE sitting on a shelf of the entertaiment center I just polished. There was a rhino...there was a walrus... and there was the ostrich. I scanned them and quickly asked, "What is the most obsurd of the three?" Yup, you know it! The Walrus! I grabbed that Beanie Baby Walrus and hoisted him right on top of that tree! I grabbed the rhino and placed him in the tree. I grabbed that ostrich, and he too went in the tree. Sadly, the walrus kept falling.... I tried several ways to get him to stay, but that damn stuffed animal wasn't designed for such a task as sitting on top of a Christmas tree. "Damn," I said to myself. "Damn! This would have been funny!" Eventually, I settled on the ostrich. The walrus leaned on a branch in the tree, the Ostrich sat on the top... and he stayed. The rhino, I forgot about him. I guess he stayed where he was. Now, I forgot I did this... as most of my gags once I do them... I figure they wait to be discovered... the discoverer will make the reveal. A week later, it was my young nephew who spied the odd tree top.... "Joe?" he began (they still to this day never have called me "Uncle Joe"... those brats!) "What?" I asked from the couch. I was probably watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." "Why is there an ostrich on top of the tree?" "Oh," I stalled trying to figure out what he was talking about... then it dawned on my... my gag! "That's the Christmas Ostrich!" I said with glee. "The Christmas ostrich?" the five year-old asked. "Yeah...haven't you heard of it?" I asked. "It's in the Bible." I left it at that and went about watching the TV. I guess my nephew was satisfied, because he went on with this business.... It was that moment I birthed a new family tradition. Sadly, the Ostrich did not stay there. He was replaced with the tree topper I had bought for the tree I had in my apartment from the college days. The Ostrich did remain a part of the tree... It took two years for that little bugger to finally reach the top, where he has been ever since.

The End

Nobody cares, but...

I am going to take my walk. I didn't yesterday because I spent the evening on a friend's couch seething in anger.... But, tonight.... Why do I mention this? No reason. I promise you this, when I get back... I place something almost worth reading right here! HERE! Or, at least something worth ummmm.... I was going to write something disgusting, but thought better of it.

See you in one hour! ONE HOUR! I hope.

I AM EVIL!

I am evil now.... So, you better watch out! You won't know what evil things I just might do.

For starters, I am going to go and bundle up and take a walk! THAT'S RIGHT! WALKING ON THIS FRIGID, COLD EVENING! Try and stop me!


I wish you stopped me.... DAMN!!!!

Funny!

Oh Goody!!!

I know most of you don't care... I wouldn't, but I do... The Fighting Illini Basketball team just put the smackdown on Hawaii!!! GO ILLINI!!!!

I smile.

It's not my fault I am an avid fan.... I go to the game on Wednesday....

Ummmmm.... Prost!

Re-Living the Past...

I was in Target the other day... I went and bought two DVD sets containing 17 classic X-mas cartoons from my youth total. I think I am going to pop some popcorn one night this week, and then begin watching them. There is nothing like an evening living in the past.

"Is that when it went ker-plunk?"
"Ker-plooie!"

Good stuff!

Prost!

A CLASSIC... now, with a video!

The following....

was sent by a friend.... AND, some of these aren't bad ideas at all! Enjoy!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity try the following:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'T o Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Plug!

These are some of the funniest videos on the web!!!!

http://www.funnyordie.com/drunkhistory/playlists/94888?item=0


I wish I thought of it! DAMNIT!

Working....

Well, Kids! Here I am! Not doing my work! I should be doing some work. I've done some, but ... I think I've picked up some bad habits from my workplace. Why work?

Okay, it's cold.

I bring this up mainly because it's time to play a game I haven't played in a bit called....

RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!

The game is simple. I sit here and write down 10-15 things that randomly come to my mind.

Ready? Set? Go!

1. It's cold! Yes, a re-run. So what? You all should know the weather if we are to survive the upcoming Apocalypses. Why should you know the weather if we are all going to die? I don't know! It's just a random thought!

2. I can't explain everything..... Seriously! I can't explain everything. I could lie, but that doesn't benefit you one bit, now does it? I can explain somethings. I can explain other things. I can't explain everything. I can't explain some of the things that I do. I just do them and that is that. Why? Perhaps it is some just fucked up Freud thing even Freud can't explain. That's just it folks, I am fucked in the head. I remember when I went around for awhile using "fucked in the head" as an explanation for everything. But, as you know, I can't explain everything. Therefore, "fucked in the head" can only be used to explain a few things. It would be funny if "fucked in the head" actually did explain everything. "Joe," you begin to ask, "why is the sky 'blue'?" "Because, you're fucked in the head!" .....

3. sugarless Powerade tastes like shit... I actually don't know what "shit" tastes like. If I would surmise, I bet it would taste like sugarless Powerade. I have been looking for new drinks. I am getting tired of the same old water and ice tea and lemonade. This sugerfree Powerade was on sale. It was a buck a bottle. I picked up a couple flavors. They all tasted like shit. If you want to know what shit tastes like, it will cost you $1.oo a bottle. This has been a public service message.

4. I really should focus on those dishes. They've been sitting there a little bit... I think they ate the sponge. I liked that sponge.

5. I have a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree right over there.... It has one red ornament. It's fake, so I can't kill it. If I can only find a decorated dog house and a blue blanket, I can turn that twig into something really special... "Hark Hearaled Angels Sing!"

6. AND, that is WHAT, Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!

7. I have learned that if I want to take over the world, all I have to do is control language. How does one go about doing that? Should I make up my own words? Should I destory books? Should I... no I couldn't! Oh, yes, I could!

8. It shouldn't surprise you that sugarless Powerade tastes like shit. Regular Powerade tastes like shit, too!

9. I am thinking about sleeping on the couch every night. I don't know why. It just seems like a good idea. Besides, see thought 2 for a further explanation regarding this enterprise.

10. "Fucked in the head!" .... I have to start using that again. "Joe, why must you be so negative all the time? Why are you such a cynic?" ... Joe answers: "Because you're fucked in the head!" ....

11. I really need to get back to my grading. It is almost mid-night and I am ... well, I have a pile.

12. Phew! That was close.

13. I shall catch you all on the flip-side! I must be off to.... sleep on the couch!

PROST!

Not feeling it...

BUT, let's see what we can come up with on the fly....

Ready!

The final....

10 FINAL THINGS I WILL CHANGE WHEN I RULE THE WORLD!

(Muhahahahahahhaaaaaa!!!! <---- Evil laugh! It vibrates around your computer space)

1. The movie "Titanic" will never... ever... ever... never.... ever..... never.... ever... ever... never.... BE SHOWN AGAIN!!! EVER!!!! Come on, people! What the hell!?!?!? It was so laughable funny! I cannot be the only one who cheered and clapped when Leo's character finally froze to death! It was the best part of the film! As far as I am concerned, it was that film that should've been hit and then sunk by an ice berg. "Heart will go on!" ... MY ASS!!!!

2. Commercials for jewelry stores will be destroyed along with those stores that came up with all those damn commercials that are shown over and over and over throughout the holidays. I think only 5 people can afford those necklaces? I am sorry... Zales, you're being watched... Oh, you are so being watched!

3. I will bring an end to the hack teen pop stars! They cannot exist anymore! I won't allow this... this sham! I quote the following lyric from a song called, "I Can't Get Behind That!": "If you have to fix it with a computer, Quantized, pitch corrected, and overly inspected... Then you can't do it, and I can't behind that!" .... Here! Here!

4. The Muppets and the Looney Tunes will become staples in the American household. Damnit.

5. Brangalina will be the first to be arrested! .... And, then any celebrity that the tabloids feel I should care about... ARRESTED!!!! The only person worth reading about will be... ME... of course! No pictures please!

6. Free Spam!!!! .... Come on! You like Spam! Everybody, admit or not, likes Spam. I went to the Spam museum in Austin, Minn. It was actually pretty cool. I got a T-shirt. It says, "Spam." I know, what else would it say..... I even have a can sitting on my stove to remind me that sometimes things that could be meat do come in cans. My favorite name for a product like this? "Potted Meat Food Product" (I had a can of this stuff too... I dumped it when I moved from collegeland.. don't ask).... I bet they make cheese sauce from that.

7. The world anthem would be something by Led Zeppelin... Possibly "Black Dog"... Maybe, "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You!"... I am not sure. I haven't really given this much thought. Pink Floyd's "Is there Anybody Out There!" works... OR, "Another Brick in the Wall Part 2" because I ... we're getting dumber.

8. I think I will do away with suspenders.

9. "Asshole" will no longer be used towards me... I believe that I am a whole "Ass".... Yup... That's greatness. If you fail to conform, arrested!

10. Simply, it will be my way, or the highway... and that highway will be I-80... as it is the best thing coming out of Iowa! ( Hehehehee...).


Oh, what a wonderful world it will be!


Prost!