Happy Birthday...
To EM! Happy Birthday to Em! Happy Birthday to Em... Happy Birthday to you!!!
DEAR LORD!!! EMILY IS TWO!!! GOD HELP US ALL!
So, today, Em turns two. In her life, it's a hallmark. To our lives, it means "NO!" and "NO!" and "No" and a louder more shrilly sounding "JJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" and "Gimme that, (insert name of victim)" and "No!" and "MINE!" and "MINE" and "gurglgle, paper, ga goos blah" followed by a rip! Yes, the monster has evolved into a very active monster... So, what does an uncle get such monster who has proven that if it doesn't make noise, not interested...if it doesn't annoy, not going to play with it...if it doesn't get in the way, not going to put it where people won't trip over it? It was a very hard decision. So, I get what every uncle should get such a monster. I got her a shopping cart from Little Tykes!!!
The other day, I noticed Em pushing a laundry basket all over the floor. As she went, she stopped to place items (some very important Uncle Joe items that, like an idiot, he left where Em could find them and rip them and throw them and write on them and jump on them and mash them) into the basket as she moved stealthly through the living-room. It was only logical that I get her something meant to be pushed so she can continue her rampage of finding my things and ruining them. That's the type of Uncle I am! I love making things worse for me...efficiently worse. It's now yellow, red, and blue worse... with a white, foldable upper basket thing where she could put my cellphone if I accidently leave it no the coffeetable.
So, I decide, as I drink my morning, necessary to function, wake me up, hot beverage known as coffee, to put together such cart. Much to my dismay, the damn fucking thing needed a hammer. "WHAT???" I said to myself. "A HAMMER??? You have to be fucking kidding me!" And the instructions were written, I believe, by a chimp named Bert, who... Well, let's just say I am not impressed at all with this chimp. Jane Goodall be damned!!! But, yeah, in chimp drawn illustrations, it was written "Hammer" with a picture of what looked like a hammer. Thus, the nightmare I had expeirenced with the damn battery, ride-on ATV began again! So, there I am, 9:00am, half awake, using a hammer to pound on plastic wheels while my coffee became cold in the chill of the morning (I built it in the garage). But, this time, I had expierence... Still, my thumb still hurts, and I hope she doesn't notice the crack in one of the blue wheels (just kidding. It all worked out fine, kinda). AND, I needed a screwdriver, which is not all that bad, unless the directions are written by chimp named Bert who doesn't draw clearly where the screw holes are or how they are supposed to be lined-up. Several minutes were spent trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together and what screw goes to which hole! Friends, I hate puzzles! Especially puzzles I have to do at 9:00am with a cold cup of coffee! You'd think they (those bastards at Little Tykes) would make it easy and use one type of screw. Nope!!! Three types all unclearly labeled with the loser letters of the Alphabet. "Screw Z is which one?" "X??" Anyway, after much frustration, the cart is assembled and ready for the destruction laden activities perpetrated by a newly turned two year-old monster of epic proportions.
Happy Birthday, Em. You're uncle sure loves you a lot.
DEAR LORD!!! EMILY IS TWO!!! GOD HELP US ALL!
So, today, Em turns two. In her life, it's a hallmark. To our lives, it means "NO!" and "NO!" and "No" and a louder more shrilly sounding "JJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" and "Gimme that, (insert name of victim)" and "No!" and "MINE!" and "MINE" and "gurglgle, paper, ga goos blah" followed by a rip! Yes, the monster has evolved into a very active monster... So, what does an uncle get such monster who has proven that if it doesn't make noise, not interested...if it doesn't annoy, not going to play with it...if it doesn't get in the way, not going to put it where people won't trip over it? It was a very hard decision. So, I get what every uncle should get such a monster. I got her a shopping cart from Little Tykes!!!
The other day, I noticed Em pushing a laundry basket all over the floor. As she went, she stopped to place items (some very important Uncle Joe items that, like an idiot, he left where Em could find them and rip them and throw them and write on them and jump on them and mash them) into the basket as she moved stealthly through the living-room. It was only logical that I get her something meant to be pushed so she can continue her rampage of finding my things and ruining them. That's the type of Uncle I am! I love making things worse for me...efficiently worse. It's now yellow, red, and blue worse... with a white, foldable upper basket thing where she could put my cellphone if I accidently leave it no the coffeetable.
So, I decide, as I drink my morning, necessary to function, wake me up, hot beverage known as coffee, to put together such cart. Much to my dismay, the damn fucking thing needed a hammer. "WHAT???" I said to myself. "A HAMMER??? You have to be fucking kidding me!" And the instructions were written, I believe, by a chimp named Bert, who... Well, let's just say I am not impressed at all with this chimp. Jane Goodall be damned!!! But, yeah, in chimp drawn illustrations, it was written "Hammer" with a picture of what looked like a hammer. Thus, the nightmare I had expeirenced with the damn battery, ride-on ATV began again! So, there I am, 9:00am, half awake, using a hammer to pound on plastic wheels while my coffee became cold in the chill of the morning (I built it in the garage). But, this time, I had expierence... Still, my thumb still hurts, and I hope she doesn't notice the crack in one of the blue wheels (just kidding. It all worked out fine, kinda). AND, I needed a screwdriver, which is not all that bad, unless the directions are written by chimp named Bert who doesn't draw clearly where the screw holes are or how they are supposed to be lined-up. Several minutes were spent trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together and what screw goes to which hole! Friends, I hate puzzles! Especially puzzles I have to do at 9:00am with a cold cup of coffee! You'd think they (those bastards at Little Tykes) would make it easy and use one type of screw. Nope!!! Three types all unclearly labeled with the loser letters of the Alphabet. "Screw Z is which one?" "X??" Anyway, after much frustration, the cart is assembled and ready for the destruction laden activities perpetrated by a newly turned two year-old monster of epic proportions.
Happy Birthday, Em. You're uncle sure loves you a lot.
posted by "Just" Joe at 9:47 AM
4 Comments:
Guess what, you can try your hand at a lawn mower next. It specifically says adult assembly required.
Thanks, sister dear... Errggg!
we aim to please
The lawnmower was a breeze! I just had to place the handle... I wish more kids toys were like that!
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