Well, Let's Try This Again: Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store Part I

I started this about a year ago. I never did finish it. Hell, I hardly scratched the surface. So, why not try again! Ladies and Gentleman, this is my third installment in the Bob the Dark Lord Series. I am going to try something new here while building on old concepts. Bob the Dark Lord was, in essence, created by my nephew. I took his idea, ran with it, and created "Bob." I don't know how long this is going to take and the document is a work in progress. So, the following is rough. I decided to let you enjoy the ride as I try to do this... So, expect it to take some time. I had an idea to bring it together walking to class the other night. I just hope it works. If not, there is always Bob the Dark Lord IV.

Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store

Yet Another Stupid Story Inspired by

Joe's Nephew
And
Written by
Joe

Chapter One
Gingivitis

Above the city of Luxemtogospieltendunken flew the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom. A most sinister and evil smile began to muster on the lips of the most evil being to ever walk the planet. “ARE THE MISSLES READY!?!” the being barked at the crew. “Yes…” cowered a voice form behind him. “THEN LAUNCH THEM ALL ON MY MARK!!!” screamed the evil being. “FIRE!!” With that, thousands and thousands of missiles were poured on the unsuspecting city below. Within seconds, what was once Luxemtogospieltendunken the city was now Luxemtogospieltendunken the big hole in the ground. “SUCCESS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” said the evil being.

“Sir, what are your orders?” asked a crewman nearby.

“FIND THE NEXT TOWN AND BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS, OF COURSE!!! WE DON’T STOP UNITIL THE WORLD IS MINE!! ALL MINE!!!” The being in long dark black robes and a dark black hat twirled toward the bridge doors and started walking towards them. “I SHALL BE IN MY OFFICE! NOBODY BOTHERS ME! IF THEY DO, IT MEANS YOUR DEATHS! UNDERSTOOD?”

“Yes!” said the entire Bridge crew in unison.

“GOOD!” said the evil being. “SOON THE WORLD WILL ALL COWER BEFORE ME, CARL THE DARKER LORD!” Through the doors he went and the bridge crew sighed in relief at his departure.

“That guy is a jerk!” said the Navigator.

“Word,” said the Weapons Officer.

Chapter 2
Hemorrhoids

Deep within the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom was an office. In that office was Carl the Darker Lord. He was in a meeting.

“MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE MOST EVIL OF THEM ALL???” asked Carl the Darker Lord in a tone as if he was yelling (He always sounded like he was yelling). Before him was, ummm, how to describe it? Um, well, it was a mirror on the wall, and it was magical. It also talked. Can you believe that? A talking, magical mirror! Carl the Darker Lord bought it at Sharper Image. They have such neat stuff! All those things that you never thought you needed or thought existed! Way to go Sharper Image!!! Anyway, umm… story… right…

“You are, O Evil One,” said the mirror back.

“YOU AREN’T JUST SAYING THAT TO PREVENT ME FROM BREAKING YOU INTO BILLIONS OF SHARDS. ARE YOU, MIRROR?”

“I can’t lie to you, Lord Master Carl. It isn’t in my programming.”

“GOOD!” Carl said looking into the mirror to admire his evilness.

“However, Sir,” began the mirror cautiously. “I do need to mention something.”

“WHAT??” screamed Carl the Darker Lord.

The mirror began nervously. “There is another sorta, kinda, not so much, a little bit, in a way, a tad, ummm…”

“OUT WITH IT, MIRROR! BEFORE YOU ARE DUST!”

“There is a *gulp* ummm…..”

“YES???”

“….another dark lord. He’s trying to control the world’s oceans!” said the mirror quickly.

“WHAT??????”

“There is a another, sorta, kinda evil dark lord trying to control the oceans?” said the mirror meekly.

“ANOTHER DARK LORD????? ANOTHER DARK LORD????”

“Yes,” cowered the mirror.

In an instant, the fist of Carl the Darker Lord sailed through the surface of the mirror cracking it to bits. Shards flew across the room showering every surface. Carl then started to huff. He started to puff. He started to blow his top off. “WHERE IS THIS CRETIN WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY????”

Chapter 3
Urinary Tract Infection

Sitting depressed on a big, dark throne of evil in the big, dark throne room of evil surrounded by fish tanks located deep in the big, dark Fortress of Evil that was behind the big, dark fence of evil was Bob the Dark Lord. “DRAT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!” he sneered. “Can’t those people just leave me alone!! I am evil! Don’t they know that!?! Can’t they see that!?! I have a fish army! I have a big, dark fortress of evil! I sell untrained animals in my pet shop!” A piece of paper fell to the floor from his hand. At that moment, in popped the Volcano Creature for his usual visit.

“How are you today, Bob the Dark Lord?”

“I am evil!” said Bob. “Thank you for asking.”

“You don’t look evil, Bob the Dark Lord. You look rather depressed.”

“I’ve never been able to fool you, Volcano Creature. I am rather evilly sad and evilly upset,” mumbled Bob.

“How come?”

“The citizens of Tripod have invited me to their anniversary gala yet again this year! I just got the invite by carrier pigeon, which I just dropped on the floor before you came in.” It was no secret Bob the Dark Lord disliked the citizens of Tripod. In fact he hated them. They were so nice and happy. It made Bob sick to his stomach just thinking about them. Everyday he wished evil thoughts on them like a fungus on their tomato plants, ringworm on their pets, dog feces on their grassy areas in their parks, unpaid parking tickets that caused the Denver boot, and the most evil of thoughts - mold growing on their food in their refrigerators! Oh how deliciously evil that would be!!!

“So,” said Volcano Creature. “Stomp on them. STOMP ON THEM ALL!”

“I can’t do that. That is your thing.” Bob started to get even more depressed.

“Then do your thing,” said Volcano Creature.

“My thing?” said Bob. “What is my thing?”

“How about fishing for your Ocean Army of Evil to rule over the oceans? I have beer. We could go and at least catch a good buzz!”

“No,” grimaced Bob the Dark Lord. “Not today. I need to sit here and figure out how to handle this invite issue and the anniversary gala.”

“What’s there to handle? Don’t go,” said Volcano Creature matter-of-factly.

“I have to go!” exclaimed Bob. “I was invited!”

Chapter 4
Tonsillitis

“It’s horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell you!” yelped the mayor of Tripod to the townsfolk gathered in Tripod’s town square. “He completely destroyed the city! Without warning! Without any reason!”

The citizens of Tripod gasped upon hearing the news of the fallen city of Luxemtogospieltendunken and the evil darker lord Carl.

“He’s unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE!!!” again yelped the mayor.

Again the townsfolk gasped.

“It is rumored that Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here! We’re doomed! Doomed!” With those words the mayor began to cry. The townsfolk followed suit.

All of a sudden there was a flash of bright white light near the podium where the mayor stood. It was then followed by smoke. It was a bright, fluffy cloudlike smoke. As it began to subside and dissipate, there stood, in front of the town of tripod, the most beautiful woman ever! She was wearing white flowing robes. They were white flowing robes!!! Flowing! Flowing! And, yes, FLOWING gently in the breeze! To attempt to describe her any further would not do her any justice. I am going to stop right here. Time for you to use your imaginations.

“Fear not, Citizens of Tripod! For I, Roberta the Light Lord, have come to help you in this hour of need!”

Everybody in Tripod gasped in surprise, awe, and giddiness. Was that really the famed Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?

“Are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the mayor.

“Yes, are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the citizens of Tripod in unison.

“I am,” said the sorceress proudly with great beauty and grace of course!

There was much rejoicing.

“Please continue to go about what it was you were doing. I will make sure you are all safe,” said Roberta. “I have very powerful and good magic. I will protect you all from the evil that comes your way!”

The Mayor looked at Roberta for a moment. He suddenly felt reassured. After all, this WAS Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world! He then said, “We were about to organize our anniversary gala.”

“Well then, please, continue. Let me know if I can help in anyway” said Roberta.

“We are honored, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.” The mayor looked at Roberta for a minute basking in her beauty. A thought then occurred to him. “Maybe there is something you can do, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.”

“Oh,” Roberta said a tad surprised. She didn’t think she would be needed so soon. “What is that?”

Chapter 5
Flesh Eating Bacteria

“Excuse me,” said Roberta to the clerk who happened to be huddled behind the front counter of the pet shop. The clerk was looking for something on a bottom shelf.

“I will be with you in a minute. I need to find fish food to feed my evil army of fish,” voiced the clerk.

“Take your time,” she said. She waited for a few minutes. The clerk continued his search near the ground behind the counter. “Listen,” she said. “No need to get up. I can see you are busy. Can you just tell me where I can find Mr. Robert the Dark Lord?”

The clerk stood up from behind the counter to look at Roberta the Light Lord. In an instant he froze. His jaw dropped open. His eyes almost fell out of their sockets. Before him was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He was so much in awe of her beauty, he almost peed his pants!

“Oh!” said Roberta a little startled. She wasn’t expecting the clerk to pop up so fast. “Yes, hello, how are you today?” she asked.

The clerk, still in awe, tried to make some words. His mouth, however, felt numb. “I…I am…,” he began to stutter in a numb like way.

“Pardon?”

“I am…ev…evil,” said the clerk. “Thank…..thank….than….thank you for asking,” finally said the clerk in what seemed like forever to Roberta.

“Excuse me?” asked Roberta. “You’re what?” The clerk just stared at her. He eyes just fixed. “Anyway, do you know where I can find Mr. Robert the Dark Lord?” she asked the clerk again.

“It is…,” began to stutter Bob again. “It…it..it.. is ……..B.b.b.b.b…..Bob,” said the clerk still stuttering and still numb in the mouth. “Bob the Dark Lord.”

“Oh, does he go by Bob?” she asked. “I do like Robert better.”

“Then Ro….bert ….it …..is,” said the clerk trying to sound happy.

“Umm, yes…,” said Roberta. “Do you know where I can find Robert?”

“Ummm…” said the clerk. “Ummm.” Roberta’s beauty was too much. The clerk was just to overcome.

“That’s okay,” said Roberta. “I see we are having some problems today. Well, I was hoping since this was his pet shop, he may be here. I guess he isn’t. I will try again later.”

“Da…da…da..da..da..,” said the clerk.

“Thank you for trying,” said Roberta to the clerk. With that, she turned and left the store.

“I am Robert the Dark Lord,” said the clerk finally. However, Bob was too late. She had already gone. Bob just stood there looking at the door. “Oh dear,” he finally said to himself. “Who in the tar pits of Wahtsoedma was that?”

Chapter 6
Dysentery

“That was Roberta the Light Lord,” said Volcano Creature as he cast his fishing line into the water and then took a sip of beer from a bottle. “The woman you described? Yeah, that sounds like Roberta. She’s really nice… WHICH, is absolutely disgusting, if you ask me.”

“How do you know of her?” asked Bob the Dark Lord as he too cast in his fishing line into the water and then took a sip of beer from a bottle.

“We did battle a couple years back when I attacked some little town over in Middle Country.”

“Battle?” asked Bob.

“Yeah, I was stomping the town and she came out of nowhere. She did some of her magic mumbo jumbo.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t really wish to discuss it, Bob the Dark Lord. All I will say is I almost would’ve had that darn little town if it wasn’t for her and those damn kids!”

“What kids?” asked Bob.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m sorry,” said Bob realizing he hit a sore spot.

“Yeah.” Volcano Creature paused for a second. “Why are you asking about Roberta?” he asked.

“She was in my pet store yesterday,” said Bob.

“She was what???” asked a very surprised and growing angry volcano creature.

“She came into my store looking for me,” said Bob.

“NO! She can’t be in town!! NO WAY!!!” screamed Volcano Creature. “Why that goody two shoes, nicely nice, waste of erggg!!!”

“You don’t like her?”

“Why on EARTH would I like her? She’s GOOD!”

“She’s beautiful!” screamed Bob.

“WOAH!” said a shocked Volcano Creature. “Don’t you dare start thinking such thoughts, Bob the Dark Lord! You’re just asking for trouble!!!”

“I can’t get her out of my mind,” explained Bob the Dark Lord.

“Try more of this,” said Volcano Creature handing Bob another bottle of beer. “This will help you get her of your mind!”

“Honestly,” said Bob. “I, at times, think you are a tad to negative, Volcano Creature.”

That last statement just made Volcano Creature shake his head in astonishment and shock. Weren’t evil ones supposed to be negative? More importantly, what was happening to Bob!?!

Bob started whistling. It sounded happy. Volcano Creature smacked him upside the head. Bob the Dark Lord dropped his rod and reel into the water.

“Huh?” Bob the Dark Lord mumbled rather shocked.

“Stop that! You are evil!” barked the Volcano Creature. “Stop thinking such positive thoughts.”

“Do you think running pet stores in order to rule the world attract women?”

“WHAT!?!?!”

Bob the Dark Lord explained.

“You can’t be serious, Bob the Dark Lord!?!? Her? HER!?!?!”

“Why not?” asked Bob.

“She’s GOOD! You’re Evil!” yelled the Volcano Creature. “Running pet stores don’t matter! You’re…her… it’s just….NO, BOB!”

“Then, I must do something else to impress her,” thought Bob the Dark Lord to himself allowed. “Something even more evil than the evil that I do.”

“BOB the Dark Lord! You just don’t understand!”

“I must find some other way to empress this Roberta.”

Volcano Creature just looked in astonishment while Bob the Dark Lord looked thoughtfully into the horizon.

“BOB THE DARK LORD!!! YOU’RE EVIL!!!” exclaimed the Volcano Creature as a reminder. The exclamation fell on deaf ears.