Armed and Dangerous!

I admit it. I own a gun. I have a .22 caliber rifle for use up at the summer home. I haven't shot anything with it other then a couple of beer cans full of sand that had it coming. After 50 shots, I finally nailed both the little bastards. I never thought of myself as being a gun owner. In general I hate the idea of arming oneself, but it was necessary for reasons that I won't bore you with. Okay, I have the gun for critter population control. We have a problem with critters and damage to our summer home. I had to make a choice, and after at least $10,000 damage to the building, not to mention damage to automobiles, the choice was clear. I honestly try not to use the damn gun if I can avoid it. And for you animal activists out there, I almost apologize for my choice. But, I do have a story I could tell, but this isn't the blog for such a tale. This blog is of another type of weapon. "What?" you ask. "What are you talking about?" I am not talking of my .22 caliber rifle that is hardly used and safely hidden, secured, and locked up away from the prying hands of children. No, I am talking about another type of weapon more lethal then any .22 caliber rifle.... Squirt guns.... I don't know what possessed me to buy them. I was just going into Walgreens for some Arizona Ice Tea (I love the peach flavored one) and ended up buying an arsenal of squirt guns to be used for summer "fun." I bought a pack of smaller ones and two "It can shoot 25 feet!" larger ones with "grip pumping action!" I think I was doped up on Arizona Ice tea to actually think this was a good idea. That had to be it! Why else would I set, not only myself, but the entire family up to an onslaught of cold water death? "Well, Joe, based on your blog entries, you are just plain crazy! That's why you did it. Don't blame Arizona Ice Tea. That's is such a nice tasty brand of ice tea goodness." Keep your opinions to yourself, because it had to be the tea. Anyway, I thought the weapons had been secured in the garage, and to be used on a nice warm summer day by the kids. I was wrong. My nephew discovered them in the garage and decided it would be a good idea to sneak the "25 foot" shooter out of the garage and fill it up with water in the back. I was unaware. Neither was my sister. We had been outside with the toddler niece enjoying the chilled, but great sunny day. After chasing the little one around a lot, we decided to settle her down and have a beer on the front stoop. The neighbor from across the street came over to join us. We were conversing, have a good time, when all of sudden, from behind came a sharp stream of "grip pumping action" that nailed us all. My nephew stood giggling and my neighbor decided to retaliate. Next thing you know all the guns came out and the war began..... The baby niece decided she doesn't like squirt guns. I don't blame her. Who likes getting hit in the head with a stream of properly aimed water? We tried to teach her to shoot a little gun I bought specifically for her use. She just couldn't figure out how to work the thing. She would just point it and sometimes shoot herself (cus held it backward); that is if she could actually squeeze the trigger. I held her close and helped her aim and fire. She liked that... BUT, Sadly, after three squirts, the thing was empty. We were sitting ducks.... After a barrage of cold water leading to tears on her part, we safely secured her to the stoop while the battle raged in the front yard. And, yes, I pulled a nasty and sucker squirted her... I am a bad, bad uncle. The battle finally ended when I realized, "DANG! I'm COLD!" Okay, that's not true. The battle ended when I remembered that I had a half drunk bottle of Heninken sitting. There are priorities. As things died down, I found myself drenched. Not one part of my body had escaped the lethal blows of water. I couldn't see because my glasses were spotted. My ball cap was dripping from the rim. I was once again cold and wet through and through and began reliving the pains I suffered last weekend up North. My sister had to go inside to get a jacket as she trembled with wet (she wasn't as wounded). My neighbor ran home to complete his outside tasks uncomfortably, and my toddler niece is now extremly afraid of water and anything that resembles a water gun. But, we did nail the nephew good. Needless to say, I will probably be sick, we've probably lost a neighbor friend, the toddler will cower in fear at any mention water, and my sister will complain of being in pain because she took a nasty spill trying to avoid a barrage of water... What was I thinking when I picked that shit up at Walgreens?