Book O' Disease II

Chapter 7

Colic

It was a dark, and dreary day. It was the type of day that made Bob the Dark Lord squeamish with evil delight. He knew nobody would be out and about bothering him if he had to go somewhere, anywhere at all, which was usually nowhere because Bob liked his solitude.

“Hello, my evil fish army!” Bob the Dark Lord said evilly cheerful to each evil aquarium in his evil hall as he put evil food in them all. “Soon, you will be ready to rule the oceans. Soon my pets will be untrained in every household causing much mass hysteria with their defecation in all corners of their living spaces! SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE and I am sponsoring a fishing derby where I will gain more fish for that evil voodoo ritual regarding newspapered fish in freezers! I AM EVIL!”

There was a rap on the dark evil door of the dark evil entrance to the dark evil fortress that housed Bob the Dark Lord.

“Who must that be at this most evil of hours?” Bob asked himself. He hurried to the door and threw it open ready to scream at the imbecile that dared disturb him.

“Hello,” said a man wearing a three piece suit. “I hear you’re the pet store clerk! In fact, I hear you own many pet stores,” he said in a nice and happy like it would make a sane person vomit type way.

“I am evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord in response. "Thank you for asking."

“I am sure you are,” said the man in the three piece suit.

“What, pray tell, do you want?” asked Bob. “I am busy feeding the many aquariums of small evil fish ready to serve me and assume control of the oceans.”

“It’s not what I want,” said the man in the same sappy, happy tone of voice he used when Bob greeted him. “It’s what you want!”

“I want total global domination,” sneered Bob evilly.

“AND, I can give that to you, especially in terms of dog food.”

“Dog food?” asked Bob. “How can dog food bring me what I want?”

“The dog food I can distribute to you, which you can sell through your stores, is only the best dog food money can buy!” said the man.

“I already sell dog food,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“But, not this kind of dog food,” said the man.

“What makes your dog food so special?” asked Bob. “Is it evil?”

“You can say that!” exclaimed the man.

“What makes it evil?” asked Bob curiously. Anything evil he might be able to sell would definitely be worth hearing about. It was ALL about global domination, after all. Perhaps dog food was another step towards the ultimate goal. Bob the Dark Lord like having multiple steps.

“Based on new strides in science…,” began the man.

“Evil science?” asked Bob. “As in mad scientist evil science?”

“Ummm…errr….,” began the man. It was then his years of sales training began to enter his mind…say anything to make the sale…say anything to make the sale… “Why, yes, mad science, if you will.”

“Go on!” pleaded Bob evilly.

I’ve got him…now not to lose him…. “Mad science found ways to make healthier alternatives to a dog’s diet. This food is mad scientifically treated to make sure dogs live healthier, happy lives.”

“Happy?” said Bob. “Longer lives? That’s evil?” asked Bob.

“It is when you consider how much of a continual financial drain the dog will have on the family if it lives longer!” said the man in the three piece suit rather proud of himself.

“GENIUS!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “PURE EVIL GENIUS!”

“I like to think so!”

“I would like to have this mad scientifically made dog food in my stores so that dogs live longer and thus become a further financial burden on the family,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Muhahahahahhahaaaa!”

“That’s what I thought,” said the man. “It’s what I like to hear. Let’s draw up an order for your stores now!”

“With devilish delight,” said Bob. “I am evil!”

Bob plucked down a considerable sum of money on this new type of dog food, and then walked the man in the three piece suit to his car.

“You won’t be unhappy with the choice to carry our dog food that you made today,” said the man.

“I am evil!” said Bob.

The man in the three piece suit got into his car and began to drive away from the evil fortress of doom down the evil road of doom. But, before he passed through the evil gate of doom, it was then that Bob the Dark Lord spied a strange bumper sticker on the back of that man’s car. He said as he read aloud, “He who dies with the most toys wins!” Bob pondered that message for a minute. “He who dies with the most toys wins? What does that mean? What do toys have to do with anything? And, what is it that you win? The world, thus global domination?”

It was then that Volcano Creature stomped up. “Hello, Bob the Dark Lord! How are you today?”

“I am evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord suddenly removed from his train of thought by Volcano Creature’s greeting. "Thank you for asking."

“I had one heck of a good time destroying a town today,” said Volcano Creature. “I stomped around on this town. The citizens screamed in horror. I continued to stomp around. They continued to scream. It was music to my ears, that is until they were all dead!”

“How wonderfully evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“Then, I thought to myself,” said Volcano Creature. “I sure could use some time fishing.”

“Yes, fishing, of course,” said Bob.

“You up for it?”

“Of course, Volcano Creature…. Can fish,” replied Bob.

“Good. I will grab some beer. Meet me by your boat.”

Bob just stood for a moment as the thought of that man’s bumper sticker came back to him. “Volcano creature, do you think maybe we should go buy some toys instead?”

“Whatever for?” asked Volcano Creature rather surprised at the question.

“To win,” said Bob.

“Win what?”

“I don’t know.”

Chapter 8

Cholera

“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.

“I NEED A RING OF POWER!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “THE BRAND THAT RULES THEM ALL!!!!”

“Sounds very Tolkin,” said the clerk.

“HUSH! I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR LITERARY INTERPRETATION!” screamed Carl.

“Right, ummm, yeah…Let me check the computer. Hmmn, funny, we do have some rings of power. We just got some in yesterday,” said the clerk.

Carl started to snare. “THEN BRING THEM FORTH! I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO WASTE HERE!!!”

“Oh goodness,” said the clerk looking up from his computer screen. “However, I am sorry, but we don’t have the one to rule them all yet.”

“NO?”

“No. The computer record I am looking at doesn’t even show that it has even been ordered.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR ORDERED!” Carl the Darker Lord paused for a minute. This was the seventeenth store he had visited, and decided maybe it wasn’t a good idea to destroy it like the rest. “WAIT, NOT ORDERED? HOW CAN THIS BE?”

“I don’t know, I am sorry. But, I can put in an order for you if you wish?”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR SORRY. HOW SOON CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME?”

“I am not sure. We have a shipment on schedule for next Tuesday. I can’t guarantee any rings to rule them all can get on that shipment. See, the order is already in the works. It is a logistical issue. I will try.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR LOGISTICAL ISSUES!”

“Oh goodness. Wouldn’t even matter if I could get them on next Tuesday’s shipment.”

“WHY NOT?”

“They are custom orders, these rings to rule them all. That would be a minimum of six weeks,” said the clerk. “Something about forging in fires of evil located in the crags of doom and all that jazz.”

“ZONTER!” screamed Carl the Darker Lord. “I WILL HAVE TO GO TO BROOKS BROTHERS OR HEIMMLEKEER SCHLEMMER!”

“You’ll be lucky to find any power rings at those stores at all, sir,” said the clerk. “They aren’t known for such things. We are Spencer’s Gifts. If we don’t have it, then it isn’t available for having.”

“OH IS THAT RIGHT?” Carl just stood there and fumed. He was going to have to figure out a way to get a ring to rule them all. It was necessary, very necessary for his plans. “I WILL NOT WAIT FOR AVAILABLE. DO YOU HAVE A MAGIC MIRROR, THEN? I SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN MINE!”

“Those mirrors are virtually indestructible! You would have to punch it square in the middle to break it, and that would just be stupid!”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR STUPID, AND I DID NOT ASK YOU FOR ANY TYPE OF ASSESSMENT! BRING ME WHAT I ASK OR SUFFER THE CONSQUNECES, YOU CRETIN!”

The clerk ran down some aisle. Then he rang to the back room. Then he came back to the register. “I’m sorry. We’re out of magic mirrors.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR MAGIC MIRRORS!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the seventeenth mall from the face of the planet.

“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.

“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE I CAN GET A MAGIC MIRROR AND RING OF POWER!!!!”

“Yes, sir!” said another minion.

“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.

Then a meek voice chirped from behind the communications counsel to the far right of the evil fortress of darkly doom’s command bridge. “Sir? Oh, sir?”

“I WAIT FOR NO SIR!..... WHAT DO YOU WANT, MINION? WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME IN MY THOGHTS?”

“I don’t want anything, sir,” said the meek voice.

“WISE, EMBICLE!” said Carl the Darker Lord.

“I just wanted to make a mere suggestion,” said the meek voice.

“I WAIT FOR NO SUGGESTION! ESPECIALLY MERE ONES!”

There was silence.

“WELL, WHAT IS THE SUGGESTION?” asked Carl the Darker Lord.

“I wanted to suggest that….”

“WHAT!?!?”

The voice continued even more meekly,“…that we try Walgreens for your mirror and ring of power.”

“WALGREENS?”

“Yes….*gulp *… sir.”

“WALGREENS?”

“They have everything,” said the voice.

Carl the Darker Lord stared ahead of him as he looked as if he entered a train of thought. “NAVIGATION!” he then barked.

“Yes, sir!” said a voice to Carl’s left.

“FIND ME A WALGREENS!”

Chapter 9

Appendicitis

The red topped and white bottomed bobber just floated in the water marring the surface just a tad forming very small circles around it. Bob the Dark Lord held his pole tightly with his evil hands and just watched it while he was lost in his thoughts. Volcano Creature was in the back of the boat watching his own bobber, well, trying to watch his own bobber. He, unfortunately, had a few, well, let’s make that a gazillion cold ones, and couldn’t tell whether he was watching three bobbers or just his one. He was sure he only cast in one line. So why were there three bobbers?

“Toys,” Bob finally said aloud after a very long time of silence.

“’Beer’, did you say?” retorted Volcano Creature. “I don’t mind if I do!” Volcano Creature dropped his rod and reel into the water, stood up, and strode to the refrigerator that happened to be located near the steering wheel of the boat. Bob the Dark Lord had a good boat.

Bob looked a tad annoyed. “I said ‘Toys.’”

“I coulda… I coulda… I coulda…*hiccup* said………………..beer,” said Volcano Creature.

“TOYS!” yelled Bob the Dark Lord. “TOYS!”

“Toads!” responded Volcano Creature. “Toads! I LOVE TOADS! All slimy and creepy! Evil, I sa………..y.”

“He with the most toys wins!” exclaimed Bob. “HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS!”

Volcano Creature exclaimed back, “TOADS! He with…..modes …. Toads… ala modes…. wins!”

“Are toys the answer after all?” asked Bob the Dark Lord. “Is that the key to global domination?”

Volcano Creature opened up a microbrew, tossed it back, and said, “To…ads…warts…all… Zon…ter… where’s my…..*hiccup* reel….I could’ve…. Swo…left….it’ere.”

Bob the Dark Lord was silent once again as he concentrated on his bobber. He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice that his bobber was showing signs of a fish bite.

“If….. toadie toad road toads…. What want…. My sw……a…..mp is loaded with ‘em!” Then Volcano Creature fell out of the boat.

Chapter 10

Malignant Tumor

“Welcome to Walgreens!” said a man in a blue vest who was stocking some hand lotion. “Can I help you find something?”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR HELP!” said Carl the Darker Lord who looked like a man on a mission. “DO YOU HAVE A RING OF POWER THAT RULES THEM ALL?…OH, AND A MAGIC MIRROR?”

The man in the blue vest stopped what he was doing and thought for a second. “The ring of power would be found in aisle seven. The magic mirrors are in aisle nine.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR AISLES!” Carl paused and then looked at the man in the blue vest. “THANK YOU!”

“Thanks for shopping at Walgreens,” said the man in the blue vest. His name was Joe. That’s what the tag on the vest said. It’s a good name.

Chapter 11

Herpes

Carl the Darker Lord once again sat in his office on the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom excited about his recent purchases. He was even more excited that he blew-up the Walgreens, too, because now others would be prevented from buying rings of power that rule them all and magic mirrors that dispense information (Carl didn’t know that Walgreens has over 2000 convenient locations all across the country. And, some even have a 24 hour pharmacy in case of emergency!!!).

“TELL ME MAGIC MIRROR,” said Carl the Darker Lord to the new magic mirror he bought at Walgreens, “WHERE CAN I FIND THIS SO-CALLED DARK LORD THAT WISHES TO RULE THE OCEANS!?!?!”

A face slowly formed in the mirror. He looked at Carl the Dark Lord. “That’s crazy,” finally said the mirror. “That’s impossible!”

“FINDING THIS HACK?” asked Carl the Darker Lord.

“No,” said the mirror. “Ruling the ocean!”

Carl the Darker Lord became annoyed. “I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS OTHER DARK LORD!”

“Okay,” began the mirror. “His name is Bob. That’s short for Robert.”

“BOB?” sneered Carl. “WHAT KIND OF EVIL NAME IS THAT?”

“How evil is Carl?” asked the mirror.

Carl was about to smash the mirror for making such a remark about his name, but stopped. First, he didn’t feel like visiting anymore retail establishments for a new mirror. Second, he needed Bob’s location.

“He owns pet stores,” said the mirror. “A lot of them… But, you have to have read ‘Bob the Dark Lord Goes Fishing’ to understand why.”

“I NEVER READ ‘BOB THE DARK LORD GOES FISHING!’” Carl was growing impatient. “IT WAS PROBABLY WRITTEN BY SOME HACK!”

“Hack, yes, but it would help you to understand all the fishing references in this story,” said the mirror.

Carl the Darker Lord began to make a fist with his right hand. “LOCATION?”

The mirror didn’t notice the fist. “If you had read the original ‘Search for the Dark Lord’ you’d know that answer,” said the mirror. “This is a third story in a series, and, with any luck, the last one. I guess that would make it a trilogy, because, you know, there’d be three.”

“I WAIT FOR NO TRILOGIES!” screamed Carl. He was staring to draw his fist to the face of the mirror.

The mirror continued, again not really paying attention to Carl’s fist. “The author, or the hack, as you put it, changed Bob’s location in the second story because he neglected to read the first one to remember what he had done previously. The only thing he did remember was Volcano Creature. He’s appeared in all three. My guess is the author hopes that nobody would notice, in this third story, that he changed Bob’s location back to the original location he had in the first story. He wanted to provide a better continuity, and maybe tie things up, simply thinking this would be the last of the Bob the Dark Lord stories. But, avid readers will notice his continuity problem and thus, like you, call him a hack. The author could go back to his second story and make that change, after all, it is saved somewhere on some hard drive…” The magic mirror would not stop talking about useless information. Furthermore, which was a big mistake if you ask me, continued to ignore Carl the Darker Lord’s question about location of one dark lord named Bob. “Nobody would know that he did make that change, but he’s lazy. The only reason he’s even writing this story is to finish what he started writing years ago. He decided, on a whim, to just up and finish it. It was never finished, you see. Originally, it was supposed to be a love story. He created Roberta the Light Lord as a love interest for this Bob guy. BUT, He doesn’t even remember what he wanted to accomplish with that story. AND, I know for a fact, the author can’t do love story type things. Roberta has been cut-and-pasted right out of this thing. I know he wrote maybe like 11 chapters…, but tossed, like a cigarette butt from a car window. I am sure the quality will be quite poor once he’s finished. That’s what happens when you revisit a story half-finished years ago! ”

That was it! That was enough. Carl was through. He drew his fist back and begun to drive that fist of his forward full throttle to the face of the mirror. It was then that the mirror noticed the fist. He instantly became sacred. His fate was sealed. He knew it. He suddenly remember what he was taught at magic mirror training school. Magic mirrors should just cut right to the point and answer the owner’s questions and not dawdle on and on and on about useless information that nobody cares about. It was his first and last mistake. I guess that is what happens when you don’t take your lessons seriously. And, before Carl’s fist met his face, the mirror made one last effort to save his skin. “He’s in Tripod!” But, it was too little too late. The mirror, like his predecessor, was shattered into a million shards that landed on the floor.

Carl the Darker Lord walked over to the intercom located by his door. “NAVIGATION!”

“Yes, sir!” came a voice over the intercom.

“LOCATE AND GO TO A PLACE CALLED TRIPOD!”

“Yes, sir!” chirped the voice.

“I WAIT FOR NO LOCATION!” With that, Carl the Darker Lord began stomping on the shards that were once a magic mirror bought at Walgreens which has everything into a fine, shiny powder.

“Did you know,” said the shiny powder, “the author has changed the title of this story like a gazillion times?”

And, then, silence. Thank God!