Book O' Disease III

Chapter 12

Lyme Disease

“It’s horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell you!” yelped the Mayor of Tripod to the townsfolk gathered in Tripod’s town square. “He completely destroyed the city! Without warning! Without any reason!”

The citizens of Tripod gasped upon hearing the news of the fallen city of Luxemtogospieltendunken and the evil darker lord Carl.

“He’s unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE!!!” again yelped the Mayor of Tripod.

The townsfolk gasped.

“AND, he’s destroyed seventeen shopping malls! Where are people supposed to shop now? Where can they get retail goodness?”

The townsfolk shivered. To deny people retail goodness. POPOSTEROUS!

“AND, A WALGREENS!”

“No!” yelped a small man in the front. “Not a Walgreens!”

“Yes!” cried out the Mayor. “And, A Walgreens!”

“They have everything!” cried a voice in the back.

“Don’t despair on that one, my friends,” said the Mayor. “Walgreens has over 2000 convenient locations across the country. And, some have a 24 hour pharmacy in case of emergency.”

That was the only good news that the Mayor of Tripod had. For, he continued,

“It is rumored that Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here! We’re doomed! Doomed!” With those words the Mayor began to cry. The townsfolk followed suit. There was a lot of weeping. Their doom seemed eminent.

All of a sudden there was a flash of bright white light near the podium where the mayor stood. It was then followed by smoke. It was a bright, fluffy cloudlike smoke. As it began to subside and dissipate, there stood, in front of the town of Tripod, the most beautiful woman ever! She was wearing white flowing robes. They were white flowing robes!!! Flowing! Flowing! And, yes, FLOWING gently in the breeze! To attempt to describe her any further would not do her any justice. I am going to stop right here. Time for you to use your imaginations.

“Fear not, Citizens of Tripod! For I, Roberta the Light Lord, have come to help you in this hour of need!”

Everybody in Tripod gasped in surprise, awe, and giddiness. Was that really the famed Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?

“Are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the mayor.

“Yes, are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the citizens of Tripod in unison.

“I am,” said the sorceress proudly with great beauty and grace of course!

There was much rejoicing.

“Please continue to go about what it was you were doing. I will make sure you are all safe,” said Roberta. “I have very powerful and good magic. I will protect you all from the evil that comes your way!”

The Mayor looked at Roberta for a moment. He suddenly felt reassured. After all, this WAS Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world! He then said, “We were about to organize our anniversary gala.”

“Well then, please, continue. Let me know if I can help in anyway” said Roberta.

“We are honored, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.” The mayor looked at Roberta for a minute basking in her beauty. “It really is a great honor that you have come to help us against Carl the Darker Lord!”

“Oh,” Roberta said aghast. “Who was it you said?”

“Carl the Darker Lord,” answered the people.

Roberta looked almost shocked. “Carl the Darker Lord? The same Darker Lord who destroyed the town of Luxemtogospieltendunken?”

“Yes,” said the crowd in unison.

“And, seventeen shopping malls?” again asked Roberta.

“Yes,” said the crowd in unison again.

“And, a Walgreens?”

“That’s the one,” said the Mayor.

“I’m out of here!” And, just like she appeared, Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world, disappeared.

Chapter 13

The Clap

Bob the Dark Lord started stocking the shelves with the new dog food he had purchased from the man with the three piece suit. He wasn’t as excited about it as he thought he would be, mainly, because he was still obsessed with that man’s bumper sticker with the cryptic message: He with the Most Toys Wins! And, once again, in comes the store, but the Mayor of Tripod.

“Hello, Mr. Dark Lord,” said the Mayor. “How are you today?”

“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Thank you for asking.”

“Of course you are!” said the Mayor. Then, the Mayor just stared at Bob.

“Is there some sort of evil I can help you with?” asked Bob.

The Mayor continued to just stare at Bob with worry and fear.

“Please, it is not necessary for you to stare at me with such worry and fear. I don’t intend on ridding the world of you today,” assured Bob the Dark Lord. “I am also sponsoring one of your events! AN EVENT OF EVIL!”

The Mayor finally spoke. “I have some bad news about the Gala,” said the Mayor.

“It is?” asked Bob.

“I am cancelling it,” said the Mayor.

“Cancelling it?” Bob then looked rather perturbed. “I am sponsoring that evil fishing derby! MY EVIL FISH! AND, I WAS INVITED!”

“Yes, I know, I am sorry.”

“WHY ARE YOU CANCELLING?”

The Mayor was afraid to answer. It was $5,000 in sponsorship money he was about to lose!

“WHY ARE YOU CANCELLING?”

“Because,” gulped the Mayor, “Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here to destroy us!”

Bob the Dark Lord did not flinch. He did not shake. He didn’t do anything except stare.

“We need to evacuate! AND, I am sorry that I have to give… oh this is sooo hard… your sponsorship money back.” He tried to hand over Bob’s $5,000 check.

“Carl the Darker Lord?” asked Bob the Dark Lord not taking the check. “Who is this Carl the Darker Lord?”

“He lives in a flying fortress of darkly doom. He has destroyed some town I dare not pronounce again because my tongue might become tied, seventeen shopping malls, and a Walgreens.”

“Walgreens has everything,” said Bob. “I find that delightfully evil. It limits a consumer’s choice from other retail establishments that only sell some things.”

“CARL THE DARKER LORD, MR. DARK LORD!” screamed the Mayor. “HE’S EVILER!”

“Is he a fisherman as well?” asked Bob.

The mayor just stared at him. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“If he is not going to be a fisherman in my evil event that I am sponsoring, then I shall have to dispose of him,” said Bob frankly. “I need help. If he wishes not to help, then I shall be rid of him. The oceans shall be mine! THEN THE WORLD! I AM EVIL!”

“THE MEGA FLYING FORTRESS OF DARKLY DOOM! HE’LL DESTROY US ALL!” screamed the Mayor in sheer fear and panic. “IT’S UNSTOPPABLE!”

“Not to worry, Mr. Mayor of Tripod,” said Bob. “I will put an end to this Carl the Darker Lord. I am sponsoring an event that must go on! I am evil.”

Bob the Dark Lord got up, left his store, and walked toward his fortress of evil.

The Mayor just stared after him.

Chapter 14

Halitosis

“That guy is bad news!” said Volcano Creature. “He’s a legend among our kind.”

“You have something in your teeth, Volcano Creature,” said Bob the Dark Lord not really listening to Volcano Creature.

Volcano Creature removed an ulna from his mouth. “Hmmmm, must be a villager I ate from the last village I stomped on. Thanks.”

“I am not concerned about this Carl the Darker Lord. I will simply tell him to just go away,” said Bob. “That evil event I am sponsoring must continue. If I am to unleash my evil army of fish so that they can go out and get the other fish under my control, I will need more.”

“I don’t think Carl the Darker Lord is at all interested in your fish army,” said Volcano Creature. “I bet he is more interested in ridding the world of you!”

“And, why is that, Volcano Creature?”

“Dark Lords don’t care much for other Dark Lords. It’s in all the literature!”

Bob the Dark Lord considered Volcano Creatures words carefully. “In the literature you say?” he finally said.

“Yeah! Didn’t you read the last edition of ‘Reader’s Digest’? There was a story about it…I think. Or was that ‘Highlights Magazine’?”

Bob the Dark Lord had not read any magazines. Evil Dark Lords don’t have time.

Bob then said, “Then, I must stop him with harm.”

“Now you’re talking!” said Volcano Creature. “We can stomp him! I am good at stomping!”

“I was thinking in terms of releasing the evil fish I already have and hope that they can do their work. Maybe it is too soon, but I have an evil event that must go on! I am a sponsor! I was invited!”

“I don’t see how those small beta fish you take care of will do that,” asked Volcano Creature. “I was never quite sure how that was supposed to happen.”

“Evil power of mind, my boy, evil power of mind,” said Bob in response.

“Seriously?”

Bob the Dark Lord thought a minute. “I was thinking of dumping my freezers of evil voodooed fish into the water as well. If what you say about Carl’s intentions are true. I will need all the help I can get.”

Volcano Creature looked at Bob the Dark Lord and then at the aquariums of fish in the fortress of evil. Then he thought of the freezers. “You know, Bob the Dark Lord, those fish just won’t have the time to do what you want them to do. Carl is on his way here, now!”

“You don’t think there is time?” asked Bob the Dark Lord.

“No!” screamed Volcano Creature.

Bob the Dark Lord stopped his preparation of the aquariums for departure to the sea, walked to his throne of evil, sat on his evil throne, and began to think…think… think… “I’VE GOT IT!”

“Got what?” asked Volcano Creature.

“The answer!”

“To what?” asked Volcano Creature.

“The answer to making sure my sponsored evil event goes on as scheduled! I AM SO EVIL!”

Bob the Dark Lord arose from his throne. He grabbed his checkbook off his evil dresser, and walked toward his evil door. “Volcano Creature, please dump my fish into the sea!”

“Okay, and what are you going to do?” Volcano Creature said a bit surprised at Bob’s sudden excitement.

“I am going shopping!”

Bob the Dark Lord was out the door.