NO!?!?!? IT CAN'T BE!?!?!?!?

Ahhh... I just couldn't stay away from this concept. For some reason I found it funny in very odd way and chuckled immensely the first time I tried it out. On my journey through Illinois this evening, I couldn't help but think of them again... and this little "gem" popped out between Bloomington and Joliet. I quickly wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. Not sure if it works, but I still chuckled. I hope you do too.

Another irreverent tale from an irreverent mind:

The Further Melancholy Adventures of Oyster Boy and Cauliflower

Further Adventure 1:

Oyster Boy has the head of an Oyster, and he's a boy. Cauliflower, on the other hand, is a stalk of cauliflower. They are friends.

One day, at Oyster Boy's house, he and Cauliflower were watching TV. Cauliflower suddenly spoke.

"Hey, Oyster Boy. You smell like dead fish."

"That stands to reason," said Oyster Boy. "I have a fish for a head."

"An oyster is a mollusk," said Cauliflower. "Not a fish."

IUYJHGK (ß typed by a kitten. I guess she wants to help – author)

"Oh," said Oyster Boy.

"Not only do you smell like fish," said Cauliflower, "but, you're stupid, too."

Further Adventure 2:

"I want to be a hobo!" exclaimed Oyster Boy over a nice hot bowl of soup. It was tomato.

"You're already a Bozo!" said Cauliflower.

"No, I said 'ho-bo,'" corrected Oyster Boy.

"I know what you said," snapped Cauliflower.

Oyster Boy looked thoughtful as he spooned up some tomato soup. Then he said, "Yup! I can have a pouch attached to a stick, too!" Tomato soup spewed from his mouth as he spoke the words.

"Hobos," began Cauliflower, "know how to swallow soup before speaking."

"How do you know so much about hobos?" asked Oyster Boy.

"Because…." Cauliflower fell asleep before finishing his thought.

Oyster Boy looked at his friend. "I guess he reads."

Further Adventure 3:

The stockyard was dirty, but it was loaded with non-moving trains and non-moving train cars.

"I can't wait to climb into one of those empty train cars with my pouch attached to a stick," said Oyster Boy standing in the middle of the stockyard with a pouch attached to a stick.

"What is in that pouch attached to a stick?" asked Cauliflower.

"NOTHING!!!" yelled Oyster Boy happily.

Cauliflower just stood and stared at Oyster Boy.

"Isn't that great?" asked Oyster Boy.

"What about your supplies?" calmly asked Cauliflower.

Oyster Boy quickly quipped. "The supplies is simply being here with this pouch, stick, and you, my friend! I never thought I would do such a thing!"

"Not 'surprise' you idiot!" said Cauliflower. "S-U-P-P-L-I-E-S."

"I am not familiar with the term," said Oyster Boy.

Further Adventure 4:

Oyster Boy sat in the back of one of the empty stock cars ready to begin his life as a hobo. His pouch and stick were next to him. Cauliflower stayed outside.

"Should this car be attached to a train engine?" asked Cauliflower as he looked from the single, lone stock car located at the complete back end of the stockyard, to everything else that seemed attached to something. Something were actually moving.

"It's about faith!" said Oyster Boy.

"Shouldn't you be attached to something?" asked Cauliflower. "Something preferably moving?"

"Faith!" exclaimed Oyster Boy.

Cauliflower left Oyster Boy to go home. He wanted to watch television in a very dark room for a very long time. Oyster Boy remained tucked away in his train car as excited as an Oyster Boy could possibly be about being a hobo not moving… not moving for a very long time.

Further Adventure 5:

"You're friend is very lucky to be alive," said the Doctor. "He could've died in that stock car!"

Cauliflower watched the television in Oyster Boy's hospital room. "Huh?"

"You're friend. He was almost dead when they found him. He almost died."

"He didn't have any supplies," said Cauliflower. "He was unfamiliar with the term."

"You knew he was there!?!?!?" asked the doctor.

"If you don't mind, Doctor, I am watching television," said Cauliflower.

From his hospital bed Oyster Boy came too briefly and muttered something. It sounded like "faith." Oyster Boy went into a coma.

"Nobody likes him," said Cauliflower matter-of-factly. "Especially now since he is a hobo."

Further Adventure 6:

Cauliflower was watching television when Oyster Boy awoke from his comma.

"Have you been here the whole time?" asked Oyster Boy. It sounded muffled because Oyster Boy had just awoken from being in a comma.

"No," said Cauliflower. "I haven't been here since Tuesday. AND, that was last year."

"Oh," said Oyster Boy. The two of them continued to watch television together.

Linus Van Pelt, in that one Christmas Cartoon said: "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

"I agree," said Cauliflower, "with that Charlie Brown."

"About?" asked Oyster Boy.

"That Christmas is too commercial, and it is run by some syndicate. It's all about money. How about you?" asked Cauliflower.

"I'm Jewish," said Oyster Boy.

"Then you won't mind watching this next one," said Cauliflower. They watched a Christmas cartoon where some guy made a clock to save Christmas because some mouse insulted Santa. The clock, however, went kerplop…. Kerplooie.

Further Adventure 7:

"Thank you for taking me to Red Lobster after picking me up from the hospital," said Oyster Boy.

"I like the salad," said Cauliflower.

They stood waiting for the next available table at Red Lobster. A man was looking at a tank full of lobsters. "I think I will take…." He said as he scratched his chin. "Ummmm…." The attendant was getting impatient. The man turned around and saw Oyster Boy.

"I will eat him!" said the man as he pointed at Oyster Boy. The attendant grabbed Oyster Boy and dragged him to the kitchen. Cauliflower went with the man to his table and sat down. Soon Oyster Boy arrived fully cooked in a nice white sauce made with wine. Both the man and Cauliflower enjoyed Oyster Boy. "That was wonderful," said the man.

"Indeed," said Cauliflower. "He needed vegetables though."

"You're right!!!" said the man. He then ate Cauliflower.

The End?

Pins and Needles

I still can't remember what it was that I wanted to write earlier. You want to know what that means? It means that whatever it was, wasn't worth much in the first place. I save you, dear reader, the ... What do I save you? Oh, yeah, I save you time by not boring you with some hack bullshit from the crap that is my brain.

I've also been dealing with some serious thoughtage lately that has been puting a crimp on the humor portions. I guess it has been, what should I call it? Oh, unfinished thoughts started a couple months ago. My trip to Subway yesterday (forgetting that I can't have most of the good stuff on my sandwich) dredged up bad feelings. It was a catalyst that blossomed some unproductive bullshit. Take for example this question I had while I walked yesterday: "Why am I doing this? Is there a point? Am I wasting my time? Who seriously gives a rats ass if I am on this planet or not?" Yeah... very deconstructive thoughts. Not good.

Mental note on furture walks... Clear mind... Focus on nothing but music and not getting hit by cars.....

Anyhoo, did I mention my new fish Miles? He's a red and blue Beta fish. No, I haven't forgotten Ike.... I just had this food left over. I had a lot of food leftover, not to mention a tank type thing. Miles seems nice enough. I figure he'll die soon anyway... in seven days, I think. That's when the new warrenty expires on that little guy.

I really should go and get my work done instead of forcing a non-issue here. My thought is gone. GONE! It isn't coming back, that is, it won't come back until 3:00am in the morning. I will say, "AHA!" as I awaken from a dream. Then I will think to myself, "must remember!" I will forget as soon as my head hits the pillow. Such is the way my mind doesn't work.

It is really very pathetic when there is nothing around that inspires. Think about what kind of day it was when the only thing amusing that happened was... well... shit. See? I can't think of anything that made me actually laugh. I smiled a couple times. I remember that. .... As for a good laugh? No. That's not good. Usually I find something funny during the day. .... Hmmmm...

Well, I am out. I am going to search for something funny.

OH RATS!

I had an idea... and it just done plumb dissappeared. Fuck. I guess that's what happens when one is trying to do five thousand things at once.

I put a map of Wisconsin up on the wall... It's actually something that has come in very helpful in the past. Come see it and bask in the glory that is the state of Wisconsin. I also have too much Illini shit. What the heck was I thinking????? Oh well, deal with this crap until whatever it was I had to say actually comes back to me. Yeah, I know... you're on pins and needles.

SALAD KILLS!

One of the saddest days of the last two months was the day I went to Subway for the first time since the whole medical affair began. I love Subway. I actually do find deli sandwiches refreshing.... My favorite? The club... with all the fixins... The bottom is loaded with meat and the top is a salad of epic proportions. I was pretty excited. I put in the prescription for some med... I think it was the nasty one that had to be injected into my stomach daily...I remember not being too thrilled. Anyway, the technician said, "Hey, give us forty-five minutes. We'll get the old nasty shots together for you so your stomach can be black and blue for a couple more weeks! How's that grab ya? In forty-five minutes we'll have it ready so you can maintain your discomfort!" I, of course, said, "Gee, swell! I can't wait!" Or, maybe I grunted. I don't know. It was in July and everything was just kind of going at me fast and furious... "Joe, you're lucky! You could've died!" said the doctor. "Don't worry, these things I found wrong might just kill you, too. Here's a bill." Ahhh, July... good times... good times.... Being that I had some time to kill, I wondered what I should do. My, at the time, black and blue stomach started to growl. "LUNCH!" I said. And, there, across the Wal-mart store, near men's clothing and behind a wonderful display of popcorn was Subway..... "SWEET!" I said to myself. "I would indeed like a tasty sandwich... and since a real deli isn't around, I shall have Subway." As I walked to Subway, the new Wal-mart snack stand, I grew very excited for my flesh filled sandwich loaded with green fields of absolute deliciousness...... "I want a club!" I said to the attendant. "Hell, put that on Italian bread today!" Italian bread... this was going to be something special. This was going to be the ultimate "wasting time waiting for the pharmacist" sandwich. I watched with glee as the sandwich artist cut the Italian bread. I started salivating at the sight of the first layer of roast beef. I peed my pants at the sight of the turkey layer. I damn near fainted with happiness at the layer of ham. And, yes, I almost burst with pride at the question, "Would you like cheese on that?" ... "Provolone!" I was probably the most excited person this sandwich artist ever did see over the simplicity of ordering Provolone cheese. She looked at me rather strange. Then again, I do get that quite a bit, and not just from sandwich artists. Heh.... "Would you like that toasted?" "You bet your sweet bippy!" I didn't say it like that. I said, "Yes." Rest assured "Yes" implied "you bet your sweet bippy!" ...oh yes it did! The sandwich went into the modern miracle known as the microwave oven. It was then I stepped over to the heavenly fixings. I just couldn't wait to make that sandwich artist work her magical, artistic craft on that nuked, layered flesh nestled safely on Italian bread with Provolone cheese melted perfectly sealing in all that wonderful sandwich meat flavor... I looked over that retail garden... It was then the red light went off in my head over the now perceived fucking color green... the now deadly color green... the fucking color of green color that now indicates "death" for people like me.... "FUCK!!!!!!" I screamed. "FUCKITY FUCK! FUCK!" Okay, I am lying. I didn't even think "fuckity, fuck! FUCK!" I could have, but I didn't. What I really said was, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.......ummmmmmmm......" What I thought was, "FUCK! My sandwich! My favorite sandwich in the world! GONE!!!!! I can't eat most of this shit!" Subway... now... useless... "Sir," said the sandwich artist. "What would you like on your sandwich?" Oh, there was going to be no art today... not for this artist. "Carrots and mustard," I said with tears of pain rolling down my cheek. "I just want carrots and mustard." Yeah, I can't even have mayo anymore... all those salads... all those salads... gone! GONE!!!! It was a sad day... a very sad day for sandwich artists everywhere....

I was thinking today as I did my daily walk, "I want to make a t-shirt that says, 'Salad Kills!'" The cool thing is I can actually say it, and mean it. Beware you salad eaters... I am going to save your life!

Prost!

20 Questions...

Today, at work, we did an Ice Breaker at this general meeting thing... Because I really don't feel like being original, I will share the following B.S. written earlier today under great duress, and not really shared.

Yeah! Here we go! Let's bore!

1. If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get?

It would be silly of me not to say popcorn, as there was a time I practically lived on the stuff, and will do so again! I love popcorn… LOVE IT!!!! I will need a twelve step program for this food product. I just know it.

2. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

I am an animal. I am a human being which I believe are animals. We have a biological classification and everything. SO, being that I am pretty used to this human being animal thing, I shall continue being human…. Or maybe a hamster. They get to play on wheels and in those tube like cave thingys. Those are cool.

3. What is one goal you'd like to accomplish during your lifetime?

I don't know. I've rather lost sight of my goals. I guess I would like to meet somebody, settle down, and try that family thing … or not.

4. When you were little, who was your favorite super hero and why?

My favorite childhood hero was Spider-man. I loved the wisecracking and the fact he was just a regular, nerdy teenager… that could beat people up and climb walls. Spider-man! Spider-man! Doing the things a spider can!

5. Who is your hero? (a parent, a celebrity, an influential person in one's life)

My hero? At present I really don't have a hero that I draw inspiration from… That's rather sad really. Maybe I should make this a lifetime goal… find a hero or heroine. You know what… I'd rather inspire. "Hey, folks! This is what you shouldn't do!" Wouldn't that be great? I could have my own show on Fox or something.

6. What's your favorite thing to do in the summer?

Read… I do most of my reading during the summer. I find a nice spot in Mother Nature and just go at it… 25 books this summer alone. I also like driving around during the summer… going here… going there… going anywhere. I don't like being home during the summer.

7. If they made a movie of your life, what would it be about and which actor would you want to play you?

A movie about me? That would be just crazy! What would it be about? That would be crazy, too! I can't think of anything. I don't think my life is worth a Hollywood budget. Maybe a quick video on YouTube…made by a camera phone… showing me eating breakfast, as I am sure most people would like to know all about my breakfast eating habits. The actor playing me in this wonderful YouTube video? It would be a muppet… one of those old guys sitting in the balcony from the old Muppet Show… Stadler… Maybe Waldoff… Either or.

8. If you were an ice cream flavor, which one would you be and why?

I like sherbets… I think it would be rainbow sherbet mainly because… well, first, sherbet is damn cool both literally and figuratively. Second, you could add Sprite or 7Up to it, and it becomes another wonderful dessert type thing… called a FREEZE…. AND, it's just damn tasty because it is made up of a plethora of many tastes, like me.

9. What's your favorite cartoon character, and why?

I have a soft spot in my heart for Yosemite Sam….. "Ohhhhsss, Rabbit, I hates you!"

10. If you could visit any place in the world, where would you choose to go and why?

I would go too Munich's Octoberfest… and have… one fucking beer. I don't think I need to really explain why.

11. What's the ideal dream job for you?

Sitting in my mountain home… high in a loft over looking some crystal clear lake… writing. Did I mention the part that people would just mail me money? That would be part of it too. AND, I would have a dog. He would write, but he'd be there watching me write, and bring me the mail full of money when it came.

12. Are you a morning or night person?

Neither….. I like… ummmm… ummmmmm… I guess I am a night person only because everything in the morning really irritates me. Today, for example, everything irritated me. In fact, everything irritated me the morning before that… and the morning before that too. I hate mornings.

Mornings irritate me.

13. What are your favorite hobbies?

I used to like doing that one thing. I don't do that as much anymore. It got really expensive.

As for other hobbies? I just don't … it… I like to write answers to silly questions. I also like not answering silly questions.

I just do whatever I feel inspired to do at that given moment.

14. What are your pet peeves or interesting things about you that you dislike?

I HATE when people don't flush the toilet! I hate that with a bloody passion. I don't like people leering over me either. I don't like being touched by strangers.... I don't like enclosed places. I don't like crowded places. AND, I don't like mornings.

Interesting things about me that I don't like? I am a stubborn, cynic that, in terms of relationships, is a big, cowardly lion.

15. What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

Dirt? Sure, dirt, but I was young, I needed the money… (I was making mud pies with the sisters way back when, and I was tricked into eating one… Sisters… ergggg).

16. Name one of your favorite things about someone in your family.

I like my sister's deck. I love sitting out there… I love being there. Hell, I take care of that damn deck. This summer? I sealed it.

17. Tell us about a unique or quirky habit of yours.

I flush the toilet before using it…. I also like to… nah, I will leave it at this.

18. If you had to describe yourself using three words, it would be…

Stink, Stank, Stunk…. OR…. "Just Joe" guy.

19. If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?

All of the above…… you really should see my breakfasts.

20. If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be…

Just somebody else.

Yeah, I know, not my best work, but it'll do... Well, off to run some errands, take a walk, and eat some grub.

Peace.

SHAMELESS PLUG!!!!

This is one of my closest friend's blog!

Enjoy!

http://nowtheressomecontent.blogspot.com/

Thor's Hammer

Ahh... childhood.

The other day I was immersed in a nice memory that turned into a sad memory.... Reliving moments... sometimes can be good...sometimes can be sad... sometimes deal with destruction.

When my mother decided to visit her sister in England, my sisters and I were sent up to Wisconsin to spend time under the watchful eye of my grandparents... my primarily Czech speaking... old world... not very Americanized....immigrant grandparents. It was an experience... both in good ways and in bad ways.... Yes, there was a cultural and generational gap there, but this is not that tale.

I remember the conversation well. My grandparents were over and speaking Czech with my mother like they always did every Sunday after the traditional Sunday meal consisting of something meatish. My mother asked, in mid Czech, "Joe, would you like your tree house to have windows?" I was caught off guard. First, this Wisconsin tree house had always been a pipe dream. There was talk from my father, but all that was ever built was a platform around an oak tree. My imagination took care of the rest. Second, it was random. "Windows?" I replied. My mother said that my grandfather had volunteered to build me a tree house while she and my father were overseas. I was going to get to help. Being that all I ever envisioned on that oak tree was a platform... and it so happened to be already there... that I never really thought of any tree house beyond that of having a very open space... and then to consider it maybe possibly having windows.... “Windows?” “Yes,” my mother spoke. “Your grandfather wants to know if you want it to have windows.” “Okay,” I said.

After it was all said and done, my tree house not only had windows, but a built in bench, table, and porch. What my grandfather built was a house that surrounded a tree. This tribute to childhood was really quite monumental, and there were times I often wished to run away to this tree house knowing full well I would be comfortable and have lots of space… and it had windows! They were real working screen windows! There was a built in bench! Oh, the adventures I had in that tree house. It was a ship… it was a boat… ancient castle…you name it… All, of which had windows.

BUT, time and porcupines … these two things can have detrimental effects on tree houses with windows built around oak trees. Needless to say, I got older, porcupines moved in, and the tree house became yet another condemned building on our Wisconsin property. When Kristopher and Cassie (nephew and niece) came into the picture, I had dreams of trying to restore the tree house for their enjoyment. Sadly, two things worked against me. One, me plus hammer plus nails? Ummm……. Well….ummmmm…. Second, didn’t have the time. When I actually decided to do something, the tree house was in such a state… the stairs going up pretty much non-existent at that time… I determined that no matter what I could possibly do, there was no way to restore the legacy that my grandfather had built for me. I, of course, was saddened. He had recently passed away at the time, and a great memory that he had given me was basically destroyed. I had failed as a grandson in keeping at least this memory alive. Armed with a sledgehammer, and like the Nordic god Thor, I swung the deadly hammer at the tree houses supports. Within minutes, what could’ve comfortably handled a family of ten, was rubble on the forest floor. That afternoon, in silence, I cut up the remnants and prepared them for summers of burning (the last was burned this year… he types as a tear goes down his cheek). It was a really nice tree house. It had been painted to match the existing cabin.

What brings this up? Again, with Thor’s hammer (a mallet this time) and a crowbar, I dismantled the nephew and niece’s tree house located at their house (the tree house came with the home.. it was one of those swing set type things… rather nice for a swing set type thing). Again, weather and time was unkind to their play thing, and the tree house of HP became slightly dangerous. The thing rocked as I climbed up to begin my demolition project.

The moment was sad… This was the second time I had to destroy childhood memories… piece by piece… bit by bit… to preserve safety, and maybe make way for a new future. So, as I dismantled the HP tree house, I was reminded of my grandfather’s tree house and of my grandfather… It was rather a sad affair.

ON the plus side of things, there is something rather therapeutic about destruction and destroying things.

The HP tree house is now in pieces and ready for processing so it too can be burned over many summers. I hope the children aren’t as saddened as I was when childhood was torn down.

Peace!

I Check In!!!!

I haven't written much... That's... well, reasons are many, but mainly because I have been trying my typing hand at the short story again. I did write them frequently back in the day. Recently, I re-tackled a "Bob the Dark Lord" short story I had started years ago... and, not only did that cause a blood clot in my ankle (I was writing it when the clot happened... .Hey, did I mention a trip to the Mississippi River I had before I was forced to end my travels? It was awesome!!!!), but ignited a flame at the very bottom of my deep dark soul. I wanted to write some more stories. I mentioned once how I love stories... Let me clarify. I love good stories. There are some bad stories. Anyway, I've been just sitting here trying to come up with ideas. Now, the obstacle I threw in my way was this idea to do a story using different thematic tones unlike like my other stories..... Not so cynical, etc. That has been the snag in this tale of non-writing woe. I've had ideas, but none of them tred new ground, well, new ground in my terms. That bothers me. So, I've been reading again for inspiration. I have a pile of new books to tackle, and I want half of them finished before I work again. I was hoping for another short story by then too... That... well, that isn't going to happen as long as I keep thinking the way I do which always gets me into trouble. For the last month, I've just been thinking about stories... and none came... and ... and... damn. I want to write a story. I was thinking about writing one about the new kitten that keeps bothering me and her relationship with the two existing cats. I thought that might be interesting. However, the ideas again cover the same old ground. I will back burner that idea. I want new ideas.

When I blog, I also like to write things I see in everyday life... You know, something came along that sparked a thought... But, what can I write about when I am held hostage by my own body, and stuck on various couches, a chair I call the "gimp chair" (the gimp chair is nice... It's a lounge chair I use to sit outside. I've napped in that chair. It's a great, and nice gimp chair. All hail the chair known as the "gimp chair!" ), or on a very uncomfortable futon bed in a place I call the "crypt"! AND, when I do get to experience the world, it is in the form of some medical lab or medical office? AND, when I am force fed shows on Nick or the Disney Channel!?!?!?! I saw Hannah Montana in concert in 3-D... TWICE!!!! FUCK!!!!! That stuff kills ideas! KILLS IDEAS!!!!!! Errrggggg... Oh, I did get to grill some... Flesh turned out great, thank you very much.
Because I am forced to watch the TV equivalent to a brain hemorrhage, ideas are sucked right out of me.... nothing! I have to put my kudos out to Disney... That channel of theirs is a marketer's dream! WELL DONE!

Yeah, not much to say on my account. I am on the mend. I am on drugs. I am gearing up for the rest of my life... AND, I am ... ummm.... shit... oh, and have been given permission to actually do stuff again... not major stuff... but stuff... So, I went to a convention. That was.... And, I can take short bike rides.... And, I can do some chores!!! In honor of my new found freedom, I am going to water seal my sister's deck! YEE HA!!!!