Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store: Part II

Well, I quickly wrote these three installments today because I had nothing else better to do. The first chapter you are about to read, I was going to drop. But, I read it and chuckled. So, enjoy... Eventually the toy store thing is going to happen. I have to work up to that. Be patient.

Chapter 7

Colic

“Welcome to Sharper Image!” said the clerk behind the counter. “

“I NEED RINGS! I NEED RINGS OF POWER!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I EXPECIALLY NEED ONE TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!”

“Sounds very Tolkin,” said the clerk.

“HUSH! I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR LITERARY INTERPRETATION!” screamed Carl.

“Right, ummm, yeah…Let me check the computer. Hmmn, funny, we do have some rings of power. We just got some in yesterday,” said the clerk.

Carl started to snare. “THEN BRING THEM FORTH! I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO WASTE HERE!!!”

“Oh goodness,” said the clerk looking up from his computer screen. “I'm sorry, but we don’t have the one to rule them all yet.”

“NO?”

“No. The computer record I am looking at doesn’t even show that they have even been ordered.”

“NOT ORDERED?”

“No, sorry. But, I can put in an order for you if you wish?”

“HOW SOON CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME?”

“I'm not sure. We have a shipment on schedule for next Tuesday. I can’t guarantee any rings to rule them all can get on that shipment. See, the order is already in the works. It is a logistical issue.”

“DAMN! I HATE LOGISTICAL ISSUES! I HATE THEM ALL!”

“Oh goodness. Wouldn’t even matter if I could get them on next Tuesday’s shipment.”

“WHY NOT?”

“They are custom orders. You can't just GET these rings to rule them all. The item should take about six weeks,” said the clerk. “Something about forging in fires of evil and all that jazz.”

“DOUBLE DAMN!” screamed Carl the Darker Lord. “I WILL HAVE TO GO TO BROOKS BROTHERS OR HEIMMLEKEER SCHLEMMER!”

“You’ll be lucky to find any power rings at those stores at all, sir,” said the clerk. “They aren’t known for such things. We are Sharper Image. If we don’t have it, then it isn’t available for having.”

“OH IS THAT RIGHT?” Carl just stood there and fumed. He was going to have to figure out a way to get a ring to rule them all. It was necessary, very necessary for his plans. “FETCH ME THE RINGS YOU HAVE! AND A MAGIC MIRROR. I SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN MINE!”

“Those mirrors are virtually indestructible! You would have to punch it square in the middle to break it. That would just be stupid!”

“I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR ANY TYPE OF ASSESSMENT! BRING ME WHAT I ASK OR SUFFER THE CONSQUNECES, YOU CRETIN! AND ORDER THAT DAMN RING TO RULE THEM ALL!”

The clerk sold Carl the merchandise just to get the crazy guy out of the store. With the final signature on the credit slip, Carl marched really evilly out. Little did the clerk know, it was his last sale. Moments latter Carl ordered the store to be blown to bits. In fact, Carl took out the entire mall. It was a bad day for teenagers.

“But, sir…” hesitated a henchman. “Didn’t you order a ring of power to rule them all from that store to be delivered to that store?”

“TRIPLE DAMN!” barked Carl the Darker Lord and then he killed the henchman.

Chapter 8

Cholera

“Hello, my evil fish army!” Bob the Dark Lord said evilly cheerful to each fish tank as he put food in them all. “Soon, you will be ready to rule the oceans. Soon my pets will be untrained in every household causing much mass hysteria with their defecation in all corners of their living spaces! SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE and I will have a date with Roberta the Light Lord who will be so impressed she can’t help but be with me! I AM EVIL! I AM EVIL AND IN LOVE!”

There was a rap on the dark evil door of the dark evil entrance to the dark evil fortress that housed Bob the Dark Lord.

“Who must that be at this most evil of hours,” Bob said to himself. He hurried to the door and threw it open ready to scream at the imbecile that dared disturb him. No scream left his lips.

“Hello,” said Roberta the Light Lord. “Oh, the pet store clerk!” she said nice and happy like it would make a sane person vomit. “I am surprised to see you here. No matter. Is Robert home?”

“I…I…I…” said Bob the Dark Lord in response.

“You had this trouble yesterday,” said Roberta. “Do you have a speech problem?”

Bob shook his head and said, “No, I…I…I….”

“Well?” asked Roberta.

“I….I… I… am at home,” he finally said to her. “I am Robert…I mean, Bob the Dark Lord.”

“Ohhhh!!! You are Robert the Dark Lord,” she exclaimed gleefully. “I’m Roberta the Light Lord. I am good. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. The citizens of Tripod talk highly of you.”

“I…Tripod?” responded Bob questioningly. “I am evil.”

“Yes, of course you are,” she smiled. “Anyway, I am here to make sure you are going to Tripod’s anniversary gala.”

“I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend,” said Bob. “I am evil.”

“Yes, of course you are,” Roberta said still smiling. “They really want you there. They say you sell the best pets. You’re an honored citizen of the community.”

“Honored? Or course I am honored. in the sense that They must honor evil.”

“Yes, of course they do.” Roberta never stopped smiling. “Now, can I put you down as an attendee?”

“Are you going?” asked Bob.

“Yes of course! I am the town protector! I am good!” she said. “I must attend to protect!”

“Then, I am most certainly going!” Bob said excitedly.

“Of course you are.”

Bob the Dark Lord’s mind raced. He thought about the last conversation with Volcano Creature. It would take more to attract Roberta then a pet shop. There had to e something. There had to be an angle. And, it finally came to him. His army of evil fish!!! That would get this woman for sure!!! Roberta was about to turn and leave when Bob, in a very squeaky voice asked, “Would you like to come in?”

Chapter 9

Appendicitis

“It’s the way the computer system works, Sir,” said the clerk of this branch of Sharper Image.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” bellowed Carl the Darker Lord. “AREN’T YOU ALL ON THE SAME NETWORK?”

“Well, yes an no,” said the clerk. “I think this branch was on our older network. I don’t think it ever transferred to our new network before it was blown up.”

“OH?”

“Yeah, it must’ve been. This computer doesn’t even show an order for a ring to rule them all coming from that location. On the old system, it took a day or so for it to register at the main computer system in Wasadasdat. That’s probably what it is.”

“I GROW TIRESOME!” Screamed Carl the Darker Lord.

“I can put the order in here, if you wish.”

“SIX WEEKS THEN?”

“Yeah, afraid so.”

Carl the Darker Lord grew more and more pissed. “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THERE IS ANOTHER DARK LORD BENT ON GLOBAL DOMINATION AND HE IS RAISING AN ARMY OF FISH?”

“No,” answered the clerk. “I was unaware.” The clerk looked rather confused.

“I NEED THAT RING FOR MY PLANS!”

“Six weeks,” said the clerk.

“I WILL MELT YOU DOWN!”

“Six weeks,” said the clerk.

“I WILL MANGLE YOU’RE INNARDS AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!”

“Sorry, still six weeks.”

“I WILL …. I WILL CRUSH YOUR EYBALLS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND FEED THEM TO MY PET ALLIGATOR.”

“Would you like me to place that order to be delivered here, sir?”

“OF COURSE, YOU FOOL! I HAVEN’T MUCH OF A CHOICE NOW DO I!?!?”

“I guess not. We at Sharper Image take pride in being one of the only shops to get such unique gifts.”

Carl seethed as he watched the clerk input the information. “All done. It will be six weeks. Should I call you when it arrives?”

“NO!” said Carl as he vaporized the clerk to ashes with his other rings of power. “YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A CHOICE.” Carl watched the smoke stream forth from the ashes as a sneer lit his face. “I, CARL, THE DARKER LORD, AM THE ONLY ONE TO DENY CHOICES! I AM EVILER” Again, he turned and stormed out yet another Sharper Image location a tad angry.

Little did Carl know, he would arrive with his rings of power and the one to rule them all on the same day as Tripod’s Anniversary gala! How lucky can one get!