Thus ends another year ....

Greetings all! I just wanted to wish everybody a Happy New Year! So, ummm, let the year be happy, dammit!

And, I got another little game, so why not play:

1-Did you kiss anyone?
No. I did get some chocolate kisses. Some of them had almonds.

2-Did you date anyone?
No. But, I think I ate a date in some dish that was served me. Besides, I like the question “Did you carbon date anything?” … Which, is also no. Nobody seems to carbon date around me all that much.

3-Are you going to kiss someone when the ball drops?
No. I will probably do the old drunken sing-a-long, though. …. When old acquaintances be forgot… blah, blah, blah… something…something Auld Layne Syne! ---

4-Did you lose any friends?
No, thank god to that!

5-Did you gain any friends?
Strengthened relationships.

6-Did you do something new?
I … ummm…. There… shit! I am a creature of habit. So, time for new habits, I reckon. As the South Park quote goes, “I am still nobody, goddammit!”

7-Did anyone important to you die?
This year? No. But, lots of bad news coming from all directions.

8-Did you change?
Everyday! I put on different clean clothes.

9-Are you happy with the year over all?
It wasn’t one I would write home to mom about.

10-What's the best thing that happened to you?
I found my stride.

11-Did you fall in or out of love?
I fell out of love with Guinness. Now, I have a new love – Young’s Double Chocolate Stout. I just had some from the tap the other day… YUMMY!

12-Are you happy the years almost over?
Yes… 2007 was pretty much a downer. And, the bad news keeps pouring in.

13-Are you going to change something about yourself next year?
Yes… I plan to quit smoking as of 1/3/07. Let’s see how that goes.

14-Do you think 2008 will be a better year than 2007?
God, I hope so! I HOPE SO!

15-Did you get drunk in 2007?
Is the Pope Catholic… I reached the ultimate this past August at the Midwest Beer Fest. I … it… well, what happened in Madison will stay in Madison.

16-How many things did you screw up in 2007?
Geesh… let me count the ways.

17-Did you go to an amusement park?
My life is an amusement park, so yes… everyday.

19-Did you go to any parties?
Some. Life is a highway, though. And, I will keep riding it all night long.

20-Did you go on a summer vacation?
Yes, I spent 2 months in the woods of Wisconsin. It was me, a fish, some books, cigarettes and beer.

21-Did you lie to your parents?

That would be if I actually communicated. I am not the world’s best communicator.

22- Who were you on the phone with most?
Matt. He is the only friend that hasn’t learned that I am best communicated with via cyber-space. And, there was Dan. He too hasn’t learned that. That’s okay. I need to keep those phone skills up.

29-Did anyone sing to you?
No… not really. Why would anybody do that?

30-Did you sing to anyone?
Oh dear lord, yes. A few beers in me and I am a regular Frank Sinatra….

31-Did anyone tell you they loved you?
No.

32-Did you ever go to the hospital?
Not this year… Wait? No, that was last year.

33-What did you drink and eat the most?
Beer, water, popcorn, beer, popcorn, ….ummmm…. Hmmm… I need a better diet.

34-Did you change your top friends at least 8 times?
Loyal to the end, baby! LOYAL TO THE END!!! Wait, is this a Myspace question? I… well, no, because I am not a real myspacer. That, and who really gives a shit.

35-Did you change your profile over 10 times?
Profile? Wha? No… Wha? I have the same Polish profile I have always had. Oh, this is another myspace question. Again, who cares. I tweak my blogger profile every once in a great while. What does this reveal about 2007? NOTHING! Dumb question, so let’s move on to yet another dumb question.

36-Did you change your default at least 20 times?
I default to the couch, so no. The couch is one of the best possible places one can be. Sadly, I think I need a new couch. My couch has been rather used.

37-Did you get a tattoo?
No. I wouldn’t. As soon as I would get one, I would be bored with it.

38-Did you vote?
Was there an election this past year?

39-Are you going to make a new year’s resolution?
No, other than to resolve to make no more resolutions.

40-Did you stick to your new year’s resolution from last year?
I made goals. I reached some. I failed at others. I say, it was a 50/50 year.

41. Think you'll date someone in 2008?
I think 2008 will be the same as 2007 in that regard.

42. where will you be when the ball drops?
I hope to be drunk as a skunk in and around Hanover Park! We throw some great NYE gigs. Great beer, good friends, and places to pass out…

43. Do you think you will make new friends in 2008?
That depends on where I decide to go in 2008. But, it is looking like there will be some changes.

44. Are you hoping to meet someone special in 2008?
I don’t concern myself with such things. As the saying goes: “Que Sera Sera (Whatever will be will be)!”

45. How do you feel, another year has passed you by?
I feel like I did at this time last year… I need to go DO something with myself, beyond what I’ve already accomplished. Move forward! I have to keep moving forward.

Again, happy holidays! AND, sorry to bore you! There’s a writer’s strike you know.

Gotta get these down before I forget...

I partook in a South Park marathon, one of my guilty pleasures. These two quotes made me crack up:

1) "I am nobody, God dammit!"

2)"You're good, but not as good as sausage and cheese."

Number one? I wake up with that thought all the time! :)

Number two? Are any of us as good as sausage and cheese? I don't think so!

Fa La La Laundry!

Christmas is over. The kidlets all about are doing their after Christmas routines, that being, absolutely nothing. Boy got Guitar Hero III and that's all he's done in two days. Girl got a digital camera and has snapped pictures of absolutely nothing, except of herself. A little narcissist in the making. Little girl got toys, which she is losing everywhere. I stepped on some Barbi glasses just this morning. Ouch! What does Barbi need sunglasses for anyway? She can't see! AND, why do they have to be so damn small that three year-olds would lose them so I can step on them? I hate you, Hasbro! I hate you and all your little pieces! For myself, I've just been thinking. I think today I shall start reading a book. I also have been working on laundry. Yes, the life I lead! LAUNDRY! I have a bunch to do. I have been neglecting that process since Turkey Day. Since I am at my sister's, I figured I can save the $20 by not going to a laundromat. It shouldn't have to cost that much to do laundry. I mean, seriously, don't people bitch about others not being clean? Isn't that our social responsibility to at least be presentable? Laundry should cost mere pennies not mere thousands and thousands of pennies. So, then why must it cost $2,000,000 to do wash and half that to dry for 8 minutes (8 minutes? Who in the world decided that 8 minutes is the optimal time interval for drying? What is the formula? I have yet to read anything about that in any text book. "A(squared) + B (Squared) + $.25 = the square root of 64 minutes). 8 minutes... That makes no sense. And, you have to keep plucking in quarters because those "Industrial Dryers" are 1) not industrial and 2) don't dry! They are merely roller coaster rides for clothing, and one hell of a hypnotic process to watch as a human. Around and around and around and around (maybe, that's why I keep going back?). Then, there is the fact that anywhere I go, half they dryers are broken and the remainder are being used by families with 12 thousand kids. It's insanity! I have a feeling that if I ever have a place with my own washer and dryer, they'd be broken anyway. It's life's reminder that everything should have some sort of hassle. As the saying goes, "Nothing is ever easy." For those who have it easy, you all should be shot and put in an industrial dryer for 8 minutes. Around and around and around. To summarize, there is nothing on my agenda at present, other to complain about society's insistence that we care about personal hygiene and wash and wears, which is nice. I just finished finding the living-room. There were Cheeze-its everywhere. Never! EVER! Buy! CHEEZE-ITS! FOR CHILDREN! So, the after holiday blah begins. Time for lunch. Oh, and I have to fold clothes. Dear lord, laundry sucks ass. Folding is just the big kick in the ass.

Just as a random side thought before I eat food. I was thinking the other day as I was on the roadway. Am I the only person who knows how to drive a damn car?????? What is the thrill of cutting off drivers with this much space between you and the person in front? Perhaps they just finished laundry. In that case, I will forgive them. If not, Bastards! Later.

Twas the Night Before Christmas....

And, all through a house in Chicagoland... EVERY, I mean EVERY creature is stirring, including a small three year-old who is running around half-naked, and her underwear is on backwards. We are beginning our final preparations for Christmas Eve and the stockings are hung on our doors with care. We all hope Santa will be here. Based on the fact the three year-old has been in the Christmas tree often over the last month, none of us are quite sure. I guess the little one does not see ornaments as the ornaments they were meant to be. They are hanging action figures! She took a couple that look more human (like Santa) and played with them as if dolls. I can't blame her really. I always felt, as a young child, ornaments should be played with. I had my eye on a French horn. It didn't make a noise when one blew on it, but I loved it. .Was it the red ribbon? Who knows. Needless to say, I played with it. However, I played with only that one (oh, and my father's Christmas Village under the tree. We had a train and a village. The tiny people in the village would get hit by the train daily. Stupid little people. Don't they know that every 90 minutes somebody gets hit by a train? In my village, it occurred every 5 minutes. And, there were these Matchbox cars. I would put those on the tracks, too. Back in the day, Matchbox Cars had a metal underside. Oh, I how I loved to watch the sparks flicker from underneath and then the paint on the cars would smolder before it met its doom - Now that is Christmas! Death and Destruction to the citizens of Christmas Village. I have that village now in storage. One of these days anarchy may reign on these people yet again! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!). The rest of them I dared not touch out of fear for my life. My parents used the traditional methods of punishment when I did wrong. I can't look at wooden spoons the same. Anyway, the little one has been busy dismantling the tree. Oh, don't worry folks. Santa will be here. In fact, I helped Santa wrap presents until the wee hours of the morn and hid them in a vacant room upstairs. As I said last night, If the kids only knew that Santa's sacks were actually Glad garbage bags, it would really change much of the mystery. Hefty! Hefty! Hefty! I put a blanket over the top of the sacks, as not to look obvious.... heh. We are just trying to trick a three year-old after all, so get off my back! Next year, I plan on being much tricker.

Anyway, we are preparing for our big night of mystery, magic and good old fashioned seafood with white rice. As a family, we follow our Czech traditions for the most part, and that means Christmas Eve is THE night. As part of our tradition, we do not serve red meat. I am not sure how this started or what brilliant Czech decided to deny us the right to eat a nice juicy steak on Christmas Eve, but we don't. Meatless! Being that I am a fan of seafood, I do not mind all that much. I do find, though, that on this night I really would like a nice juicy steak. Maybe that is one of the reasons I get myself a wee-bit toasted. I can drunkly pretend that the shrimp is red meat. Here is what is confusing about it all. On Christmas Day, I don't want meat. I want shrimp. Can you say, "Joe, you are an idiot?" Yeah, that's how my mind works. We all get dressed up. I get out my camera. I annoy people with my flash. We eat. We clean up. We get the little one all excited. We get the teens rather excited. The signal is given. We do a Santa Hunt (We get in cars and drive looking for Santa). One of use doubles back. We put the presents under the tree. I take more pictures before the chaos. The interested parties arrive. Chaos. Then, I bring out the good beer and visit the spirits. Partake in the spirits? Enjoy the spirits? Get spirited? Who cares, actually. To cap off the evening, I watch the yule log burn on WGN TV from 1-5 in the morning! That, my friends, is what Christmas is all about. I guess that pretty much sums up the day. In fact, I have to run to the store and get some vittles for snacking. I better get my ass moving.

That's enough for now... What? You have a question about my last blog? What is the sarcophagus? That's my party cooler. It's a huge ass party cooler that one could use to store a human body if need be. There are plenty of times I wish I could use it for that purpose. When I bought the sarcophagus I did it on a whim as I thought it would be funny. I was in Sam's Club probably looking for pretzels. I don't remember. I do find myself in Sam's Club for the insane purpose of just buying pretzels. I walked down this aisle and there it was... the cooler. There were five of them. I looked at it and thought, "Jesus Christ! That thing is huge? Why would you need such a large cooler? Who in their right mind would buy something like that?" With a smile on my face, I bought it. I love answering my own questions.

Later!

Thus begins my holiday adventures...

I made it. Here I am in the North. My sister called yesterday to ask me to get up here sooner rather than later so I can watch the littlest one. She's three. I said, "Sure." So, while the rest of the world slept, I drove. In the cold. With a fish. AND, here I am. It's only 10:30am and my niece has cried three times. The teens have argued twice. A cat has sniffed me and left cat hair on all my belongnings. I am tired. I need coffee. But, the presents are wrapped and the car is unpacked. I sit here thinking, "COFFEE!!! COFFEE!!!" And, also thinking, "COFFEE! COFFEE!"

I think it got colder as the day grew old. It's frigid out there! FRIGID!!! and, cold, too!

So, the littlest one was rather happy to see me. Too happy. She wouldn't leave me alone, and being three has the social skills of a gnat. Today, alone, I was treated to kicks, pinches, slaps, head butts, screams, yells, and general harassment. And, that was just during a 30 minute cartoon she wanted me to watch with her! I think the real kicker has to be what happened earlier this afternoon. She recently learned how to use the toilet. Every so often she has issues with toilet paper. As I was checking e-mail, she found me. She walked in with her pants in disarray and her underwear applied incorrectly. In other words, legs in wrong holes. I will give the kid some kudos on trying (I fixed her underwear 6 times today. Three of those times I had to chase her around as she made it a game). But, the underwear wasn't the issue. She used to much toilet paper and some got stuck. So, as I was sitting here, she, well, she started to pull out little bits of the TP and left it on my desk right next to my computer. I said calmly, "Ummm, Em? I think maybe you should go put that in the toilet." Yup, Christmas!!!

So, the adventure begins on yet another holiday. What lies ahead for tomorrow as we have to deal with a three year-old who waits for Jolly Ol' Saint Nick? I foresee a burned down house, some dead animals, toilet paper everywhere, a few human sacrifices, and Christmas ornaments smashed into a fine powder. All that during another 30 minute cartoon, I bet.

Heh.

I like one of my Christmas duties. That's the booze. I buy the booze. This year I forgo the wine effort as I have a better suited sibling for that job. I buy the beer. And, that's a process. How do you buy the right beer for the right people? How do I get the right mixture of taste with the food and pleasure drinking? What should I do because there are two major drinking events in one week? Me, I am easy. Stouts. It's stout season, and I like them immensely. I also like the Belgians. I have some of those. As for others? I like to get them the beer they enjoy. It's Christmas. I was at the liquor store for a good 45 minutes in pursuit of some of the finest beers I could muster. My sister likes browns - I found a couple browns. Maybe it was just a sixer of brown. She doesn't drink as much as me. She likes Bock, so I have some of that (I like bock, too). And, then there is New Years. I have to have the right beer for that. I take advantage of every holiday to try something new. Accomplished. And, if all goes well, with what I have for NYE, I should be passed out before 8:00 pm.. Well, just kidding... 8:15pm. I know how to pick some of the fines. AND, Finally, I set up the sarcophagus with all my findings (did that earlier) and ice it all down so by tomorrow - X-mas Eve (that's when we do the WHOLE shi-bang), the beer is a go. I think the moment I prep my gigantic cooler is when it sinks in, Christmas time is here! Time for joy and time for beer!

Have a good night. Later.

Happy Holidays!!

In case I forget to do so in the near future, please let me wish you and yours a safe and wonderful holiday season.

From little old me!

Oh the heavenly words I long to hear...

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch. You're a bad banana With a greasy black peel. You're a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, You've got garlic in your soul. Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you, with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness Of a seasick crocodile. Mr. Grinch. Given the choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crockodile. You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks Your soul is full of gunk. Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you, are as follows, and I quote: STINK! STANK! STUNK! You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato splotched With moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch. Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, Mangled up in tangled up knots. You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch. With a nauseaus super-naus. You're a crooked jerky jockey And you drive a crooked hoss. Mr. Grinch. You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool sandwich With arsenic sauce!

MONSTERVISION...

I read other blogs from time to time, and then I feel like crap. My writing sucks SO much in comparison to some others out there. The ultimate goal was to use this blog to springboard my creative process and write short stories again. I haven't had an idea for a short story for SO long. I stopped. Mainly, well, as my blog does reveal, I am not that good of a writer. My ideas are rather stupid. I lose interest in what I am writing quickly, and then I wind up shelving my work to never be looked at again. I guess my want to write again stems from the boredom I have been feeling. The only thing that keeps me busy is my work, and I want more. The State of Illinois has reminded me that a birthday lurks close-by when they sent me a notice that I needed a new driver's license (I got that today. From past experience, smaller areas make the DMV less of a pain-in-the-ass. I wasn't wrong. I was there all of ten minutes. I am not looking forward to four years from now when the DMV will once again summon me with a reminder I am old. I only hope I am in position to walk in and out again. My heart often reminds me that I long for those days where I was pained in the ass. When I turned twenty-one, I rushed to get my new license; however, the line I stood in for awhile stifled the rush. By the time I got the plastic, I wasn't too thrilled about my new drinking status. I can remember thinking unholy thoughts towards the process, and cursed the Secretary of State for having ever been elected. Now, I long for it. What a silly world? I guess you take the boy out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the boy). I haven't really done much in the time I've spent walking among you all. Yes, I got quite educated. Big deal! It's the little things! THE LITTLE THINGS! I don't have many of those. I've spent too much time on the big things, I let the little things go. I have plans, mind you. I have MONSTERVISIONAL plans. So, here I sit.

I am looking forward to the holidays. They mean two weeks not being here. I get to see friends and family, and take part in a very good New Years Eve party. Good friends! Good beer! A good floor to pass out on! Add some chicken wings, and we've got heaven. I need the time away from my regular life. It's a good time to think about renewal options. The pending new year is offering some change. What to do with the remainder of my life? I think for starters, I should read a bit more. I hear reading really helps in the writing (and vice versa). I think I will try to find some sort of movie club. After seeing "No Country for Old Men," I am reminded I need some good intellectual debate. The story was about good and evil. How much evil can we fight before the cost is ourselves? Where are the people that can discuss this with me? Again, most of the people around me went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. The few people in the theater hated the movie I saw because the ending offered no hope. But, if you see the film, is there anyway it could've ended? Is there anyway one could even put an end to the evil represented by ... I don't know the actor's name. Nevertheless, Tommy Lee Jones decided he'd rather live out his remaining years alive. After all, there is no country for old men. Evil lurks. So, yeah, I need somebody to debate these topics. I had some of that today when I watched a "Christmas Carol." My question, Who is Scrooge and why is he offered such a lavish chance at redemption? Why was he given that choice? Why did Marley care enough for such a pitiful man that he would visit and make the offer? The debate I had with my friend was good.

Anyway, I have to run. So, I shall leave you with this thought.... Crap! I have no thought to leave you with! DAMN!

Later.

Some Very Good Rules for 2008!

Thanks, Rebecca, for the following:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason why you don't talk to people for 25 years... Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing a s flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the So cial Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that."

Useless...

People keep sending me these things, so I will continue to bore you with them!

Let's play!

But, first, The goal with these question type thingys is to reveal NOTHING about me. That is, if you don't know much about me now, the following reveals nothing further. If anything, it reveals that 1) I have too much time on my hands, 2) am not very clever, 3) Could possibly live a very non-productive life. With that said, here is to non-productivity!

PROST!!!

100 Completely Useless and NON revealing Facts About Me

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I don’t usually have that one that opens into “other side” open much. This little girl got sucked in and she keeps calling for her mother. Shut-up, kid. The one to Narnia? I nailed that one shut almost immediately. Nobody, I mean nobody is going to be going and playing with Lions on my watch. No sir!

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Often. Damn fine eating. Great with Syrup!

3. What’s your favorite love story?
The typical one… boy meets girl… girl dumps boy. Boy gets back together with girl. Girl cheats on guy. Girl dies in tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.
…. Good year?
… No, the worst!
(Thanks “Naked Gun”)

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Yes. It was a railroad crossing sign near my summer home in Wisconsin. It had bullet holes in it. I still have it.
Now, what the hell am I going to do with it?

5. Last person that kissed you?
I guess, recently, it was my baby niece. She said good-bye and then Happy Thanksgiving. Which is really interesting, because it was last Saturday.

6. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
On a Magazine, sure… In a Magazine. Kinda cramped. I am not a small person.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No. Ummm… No. I actually try to avoid walking. I sooo want one of the Segways.

13. Have you ever camped in the woods?
Sure, I guess. Is this a useless fact, or just kinda a boring fact.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
Yes, sure. I am not one who is shy from making a fool of myself. I consider that, you know, fool making, one of my hobbies! Go hobbies!

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
I write with them too. Personally, I prefer candy bars. However, you can't write with those... well.


16. How many people have you slept with this week?
Counting my three pillows, remote control, reading book, yesterday’s clothing, a comforter, another comforter, last week's clothing, a sock… nobody. Well, nobody that I can find.

18. What is your "song of the week"?
Christmas Time is Here by the great Vince Guraldi.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Ummmm… I wear orange and blue. That’s kinda pink, right? No? Okay, then no.

20.Do you still watch cartoons?
Hell yeah! I think, most of the time, that’s all I watch.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
No where! I would spend that shit before I even thought about burying it. This is a stupid question.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
That implies I eat dinner. I haven’t eaten a square meal in weeks.

24. What sauce do you dip Chicken McNuggets in?
I don’t eat chicken nuggets, but I do dip chicken wings in Ranch and Blue Cheese AND.. that’s about it.

25. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Popcorn and Popcorn cuisine… That’s in the freezer section.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Shoot… I have many. MANY!

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
I scouted for girls. Not very lucky on that front. Sigh.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Ummmm…… Let me think. Hmmm… Well… no… I guess it was Gemma in the Third Grade. There, you can see, is where I started my great communication skills or lack there of. Heh. Writing people! Whateva!

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Change it to what?

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Sure. I got a couple. What’s it to you? Trying to make yourself feel better?


33. Run out of gas?
Yeah, I am. I kinda feel sluggish and tired all of sudden. Too many damn questions!

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
The Edible kind. Plastic sandwiches? No. They taste all yucky.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Cats.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
I haven’t had a usual bedtime ever. Unusual, sure. That would be next week.

37. Are you lazy?
Hell yeah! I am surprised I made it to question 37.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
Other kids!

40. How many languages can you speak?
Counting English? 1000… 999 of those are only understood by me!

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Magazine prescriptions? Did I understand you correctly? None. I don’t do drugs.

42.Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Legos with Lincoln logs. It’s a big building adventure!

43. Are you stubborn?
OHHHH YEAH!

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Hmmmm. I grew up on Letterman. Top Ten reasons to stop now before I bore you all! 10. Joe, you aren’t funny.
#9. See number 10.
#8… I … moving on.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
Well, no. I leave the soap alone. Besides, my soap doesn’t sing very well.

46. Afraid of heights?
Well, not sure. I live in Illinois, and it is pretty much all ground level here.

47. Sing in the car?
Yeah, and at home and at the bar and at the corner and at the….

48. Dance in the shower?
No. I do the morning shower.. .and, I don’t feel like dancing at 6AM. I don’t feel like much of anything at 6AM except shower, which I do habitually.

49. Dance in the car?
How in the world does one do that?

50. Ever used a gun?
Yes. I have also used a laser pointer. Laser pointers are much more fun. Get 'em in the eye!

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Ummmm… I avoid cameras. You don’t want my mug on any picture.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Depends on the sauce you serve with it. Try chocolate sauce.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
I don’t usually think about it.

54. Ever eat pirogies?
GO POLES! GO POLES!!! Have I ever eaten pirogies? Is the Pope catholic?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Apple… And cherry.. and blueberry… and raspberry… and… berry-berry.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Total global dictator!

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Do they believe in me?

58. Ever have a deja-vu feeling?
Well, yes. I do. In fact, at the moment I remembered being asked question 43 before. I get that one a lot.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
Yes. I take it shopping.

60. Wear slippers?
On my ears, baby!

61. Wear a bathrobe?
On my feet!

62. What do you wear to bed?
Dinner!

63. First concert?
No, yours?

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
Blue, Red, Blue Light... All I have to say is, watch for those falling prices!

65. Nike or Adidas?
Shoes, right?

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheese Nips!

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
I like vanilla.

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
Ever hear of, "nope"?

69. Ever take dance lessons?
I think so... long ago. When my parents were trying to help me socialize. Didn't work.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
Nah. I don't curl. But, I LA! LA! LA! with my tongue.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
Yup, but I wish to return it. I have no use for one of these things.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
No. I seriously don't try to show any emotion. This is why people probably ask, "Joe, are you okay? You look grumpy!"

74. Own any record albums?
I guess.

75. Own a record player?
If you mean I-pod, yes.

76. Regularly burn incense?
If you mean when I am incensed? Yeah, I burn!

77. Ever been in love?
Yeah... I was... WITH GUINNESS!!! Well, actually, I was and I really got taken for a ride like I will never forget. And, quite frankly, I would rather not go through THAT again. Maybe, that is why I haven't dated in so long. I still feel the scars.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Wilco.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Some little bandy thingy.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Earl Grey.

81.Tea or coffee?
Coffee

82.Favorite kind of cookie?
I don’t have one.

83.Can you swim well?
Yes,… well, I don’t drown. At least not yet.

85. Are you patient?
No, now let’s move on! 

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
Open bar. … Yes, open bar!

87.Ever won a contest?
Yes. I won a writing contest. I am sure you can’t tell from this drivel.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
I cut up a plastic cup once. It didn’t make it.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
I don’t like olives.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
I can wear knitted things and I have slept under crocheted blankets before.

91. What color is your bathroom?
I have never noticed. To be honest, these things don’t really interest me. It could be blue or black, and I just wouldn’t care.

94. Who is/was your HS crush?
Erica… But, she was not very friendly.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your way?
No. I do swear on occasion.

96. Do you have kids?
No.

97. Do you want kids?
Want them where?

98. What are your favorite colors?
I don’t have a favorite color. BUT, I guess, I do like the earthy tones.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yes.

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
A friendly face.

DANG!!! I need more weekend!!!

With the recent snow storm, I feel as if I need more weekend. Where did it go? I lost Saturday, well, not really lost. I was home on the couch, but anyway, I feel as if, because I was forced to the couch, I didn't get my Saturday. I know, that's just really stupid thinking. Still, I don't like being forced. I like choice. I didn't have my choice. However, yesterday, I took advantage of the sunshine and headed to see a movie. That's right! It was "Joe's Sunday Afternoon at the Movies." IIt felt good! I love a good flick. So, looking at all the crap out in theaters now, I found the perfect choice - Coen Brother's "No Country for Old Men!" ... I loved it. As a movie geek, it really hit the spot. I would love to go into details, but to sum it... it was intellectual. It was deep. It was beautiful. I am so sick and tired of ROM-COMS and the like. "No Country for Old Men" was good film making. It was smart. It's too bad it isn't doing well in the theaters. Sadly, everybody was there for "Alvin and the Chipmunks." That's the average film goer I don't like to deal with for ya. They wouldn't know good cinema if it hit them in the head... Two words about that movie... "Urban Chipmunk." I think Roger Ebert commented on that droll by saying, "I couldn't believe they had TEN ALBUMS!" I am with you, Roger. I want to have an experience with my $7.00. I want story. I want to leave thinking to myself. My only regret? Not having anybody there to discuss what went on screen. That sucks. When I was North my sister and I went to some hard hitting flicks. It was nice to discuss them afterwards. Anyway, I have to cut it sooner rather then later. I have things to do! Later!

I Shake My Head...

I took a sojourn to the balcony. As I stood there, should what to my wondering eyes should appear? A DUMBASS!!! This idiot was on a sled, being dragged by a car, going at least 30 mph down my side street. He was holding on to rope with one hand. In the other he had a cigarette. I just don't know anymore. I really just don't know. Later.

Usually...

I don't like jokes like this... BUT, this one made me chuckle.

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

"I Killed It!"

YIKES! It sucks outside. I haven't seen a snow like this since.... Well, last year when it snowed back in February. I didn't mind it back then. I had two snowed in days that were put to good use. I finished up my final Masters project and graduated. Today, I actually had plans to mosey to a bar. That isn't going to happen. In my youth (I'm not all that old), I would've been dumb enough to hit the road and drink. My older, wiser self looks at this weather and says, "Fuck it, Joe. Stay on the couch." That's where I plan to be. Besides, I have beer here. Trust me, I have beer here. I have wings in the oven. There is power still (this place has more power outages then one could shake a stick at), so I will be watching videos, in particular, one with Charlie Brown and a Christmas Tree. I love "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It has to be one of my all time favorite cartoons. In fact, I wrote a story... an award winning story... that was inspired by that cartoon (about an Ostrich and a curmudgeonly Uncle). The Wings just set off the smoke detector. Now, how in hell did that happen? I just noticed I don't have a vent over the stove. That's an issue. Anyhoo, I shall stay in and watch Charlie Brown. I also have a Charlie Brown X-mas tree. Seriously! I do! It's an actual Charlie Brown tree! It came in a box that has Charlie Brown on it! It's a big stick with a red ornament. I put another ornament on it and some little lights. After all, it needed a little love. I just might turn the lights on. So, yeah, the weather fucked up everything. I will live. I hope you are all safe and on a couch somewhere with smokeless chicken wings and beer. Later.

Finally A Rap I Can Relate TOO!!!

Yup... Sad... It is almost me.

Wasting Time...

Not that clever, but captures kinda how I feel about a certain college basketball program.

There's a great start to a day...

I had to make my own coffee. It is snowing... AND, I can't get Wilco tickets. My apartment is a mess! I can't get Wilco tickets. I have paper work today... AND, I can't get Wilco tickets. You know, I didn't think I was going to ... Anyway, I will say have a great day. I need to get my work on an get something done.

Snow, A Cold, and a Hangover...

There is snow on the ground. And, it appears it continues to be falling there. Arrgggg... It's not that I mind snow. Hell, I am not going anywhere, so let it snow. But, my annoyance today at the white stuff is... It is making everything SO bright. It hurts my eyes. I have a hangover. And, a cold, that resulted from the process of giving myself a hangover. I broke the drinker's code last night. I mixed beer and wine. One should never mix, but I was drunk and not thinking. Now, of course, I think, MY HEAD. AND, my nose is stuffed-up. I feel like crap, and snow bright is taunting me.

I didn't know it, but I accidentally nuked a jelly donut. There is jelly juice all over the nuker. That isn't a way to start the day. I have dough nuts in the freezer. I thought I would have one. I just grabbed. BLAMO! Jelly juice! THANK GOD the coffee is made. Did you know I hate making coffee in the morning? I don't know why, but I become extremely irritated when I have to make it. That's really rather silly considering it doesn't take much to make coffee. Still, I hate making it. Is there a way of having coffee magically appear? Hey, GE, get on that!

One last thought before I go and try to get Wilco tickets.... Is... Nah, I will save that thought for later.

Snow... and snow... and well, SNOW!

Snow is in the forecast for the weekend. I honestly don't care, mainly because I really don't have many plans. First plan, sit on my ass. Second plan, sit on my ass somewhere else and have beer. Third plan, sit on my ass. I know, it doesn't really have much pizazz for weekend plans. However, the next few weeks will be busy with the holidays and all that jazz. SO, one weekend getting caught up with paper work is just what the doctor ordered. GO no plans! Anyway, I have to head out of here soon to go sit on my ass elsewhere. I'd ask you all to join me, but I can't. First, I don't know where you all are. Second, I don't think my friends would be happy if I invited people over to their place when you weren't invited. Just know, I won't be thinking about you. And, have a great weekend. I shall rap wit ya later.

WOO WOO!!! The Joe TTTRRAAIINN!!!

Or, "I spent $25 and all I got was four beers!"
OR, "Jeans! Smeans! Let's go wild!"

I've been sitting here looking at this blog window for 30 minutes now trying to get the old Joe Train back on track and do what I like to do best, entertain... No rants. No self-loathing. Just good old plain Joeness. So, yeah, I've been down in the dumps. We all get that way. This blog is meant to be something fun that I do. So, let's try to put the fun back. Hmmm... so, let me sit here for another 30 minutes thinking about this. Think funny... Think funny...

Blackmail
I've been blackmailed. So, they got this thing going on at work where we can pay... phone. BRB.... $10 and we can wear jeans everyday next week. I, for one, am sick of donating all the time. Hell, to be blunt, I am a charity myself (Please make donations to JOE). So, you know, I was thinking, "I don't want to donate anymore. It's not my problem you can't reach your goal. I think I will bow out on this one. I really don't care one way or another if I can wear jeans at work for one WHOLE week. It's just jeans. AND, I need the $10 because of a screw-up with my student loan." So, you know what this guy does? He sends e-mails out everyday with the names of those who have donated. Whose name isn't there? Yup, your's truly! I look like an idiot! That's not fair! So, to save face and not look like a Grinch (I am a sly one, Mr. Joe Grinch! I wouldn't touch me with a 10 and 1/2 foot pole!!!), I donate yet again. AND, to make matters worse, my jeans are dirty. I have to do my laundry! I hate doing laundry! I hate it! (Tack on $15 do laundry). AND, since I paid for the privilege to wear jeans, you KNOW I am going to get my ten dollars worth because I am that way. AND, my $15 worth, I guess. So, double whammy! $25 dollars poorer and now I have to do my laundry. Shit! AND, I need gas in my car! GAS! Why do I always have to keep putting gas in my car?!?!? You know, if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't have to drive to work and keep paying for gas and make the world warmer apparently, nor pay $10 to wear jeans next week. Why can't we all just commune! We can all work naked!
Sigh... what a wonderful thought that would be... communing naked.

Nostradamus Belgian Brown -- I spent $25 on four bottles of this stuff about two months ago, and my beer sources really haven't heard of of it. There is a little bit on line (they use the snail as a symbol! Ohhhhhh! The snail is the town's symbol... another ooohhhhhh... My town symbol is probably a pigeon. I hit one with my car the other day. It wasn't my fault. The damn thing wanted to die! I swear to you that is true!). What the heck was I thinking? Did I get my money's worth? After four bottles, will my life change at all? AND, how do I serve it at the recommended 55 degrees Fahrenheit. I think my fridge is broken at Absolute Zero. Now, I won't be able to taste it... Furthermore, I could've used that money for laundry and jean wearing! Had I known about my current predicament I would have.... okay, I would've spent the $25 on the beer. Oh well. I have to be me! Prost! And, I can drink the beer without paying for the privilege of wearing jeans. Hell, I can commune with it and be naked (Yes, the images of me naked in your heads are scaring the hell out of you, aren't they! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!)

Season's Greetings
I greet the season with a $25 four-pack of beer! GO SEASON!

Oddly Enough, I have some thoughts!
Thoughts come at me rapidly and fast. Sometimes I can't remember if I had a thought or if I was thinking at the time the thought occurred. I am always thinking and that is the problem when I think about all those thoughts. Which thoughts are good ones? Which thoughts are not so good? What was I thinking when I thought about that??? Yes, my life is a never ending thought pattern that usually forces me to sit on the couch upset because I think I got rooked into paying for a $25 four-pack of beer. This isn't the first time I blew my wad on beer. I am working for my name on the marquee at Binny's in Chicago (Binny Joe's) or here at Friar Tucks (Friar Joe's). If anything, I have supplied the Christmas bonus for several future happy employees.

Nerd!
I am a Nerd! Seriously, who else would spend $25 on beer? A nerd that enjoys beer. It stands to reason.

Gadzooks!
An often underused expression that can really describe many situations. "I forgot my phone at work and I hit a tree! Gadzooks!" "Gadzooks! $25 for a four pack of beer? Well, put that in my cart!" And, "Gadzooks! Ten dollars to wear jeans?" Okay, maybe it should remain underused.


Here I sit a pondering...
I have lots of beer in my fridge. I think if my fridge were stolen I would be out more then $25 in beer. I won't be without jeans though. I don't put them in my fridge, yet. Seriously, the fridge is a lousy place for jeans. They belong in some sort of clothing storing device.

Okay, I think that about does it for stupid stuff for the day. So, let's put on the jeans and drink the expensive beer! Later!

"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!"

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

It All Ends Now!!!

Today, in the shower, I decided I need more in my pathetic existence on this planet. I am 33 and have a minimal of responsiblities. I am single. I take care of myself essentially. I don't have to clear my schedule with anybody. That is great! So, why don't I do anything? Lately, I have been thinking about the rut I have put myself in with the mundane. I wake up everyday to the alarm. I do the "get ready for work" thing. I go to work. I do my work thing. I come home. I do whatever it is I need to do to prepare of the next round of the same thing. Everyday, over and over and over.... A friend of mine helped me find some groups I may find of interest. I may check them out, just to get out of my apartment. I like intellectual pursuits. I guess the things that I am really involved in, other then my beer hobby, all deal with gathering information. I love information. Recently I kicked some major triva ass over at Buffalo Wild Wings on that NTN thing they have going. Ever play NTN? It is simply Trivia TV. I know this may be the seasonal thing I go through this time of year. I really try to avoid making any major life decisions when I am in this state of mind. I know that I am not essentially thinking with my best interests in mind. So, I try to be careful. For example, I decided today at 2:10pm that I am sooooo outta here. That is, to pack up, and hit the road to begin the next chapter of my life (that is, when my current responsilibites are over). Maybe that isn't quite the right decision to make at the moment. I am merely working off unbridled emotion. However, I do feel I need to get more involved. One idea I've been kicking around is taking guitar lessons. When I was younger, I made this decision to stop piano lessons to become a great ballplayer. Needless to say, I am not a great ballplayer. I am just a mediocre writer doing work stuff on a daily basis. Why guitar? Because I have some friends who know how to play, and on some occasions they would bring out the instrument and we'd have a sing-a-long. I know, that sounds kinda hokey. Hokey or not, I loved the experiences. Maybe I need more creative outlets to fill the void I feel. My friends say I need a woman. That's a cop-out. Besides, no sense of even tackling that when, again, I am in this wonderful state of mind. That, and I don't think a relationship is the end all to end all problems. I've learned that you can't be happy with someone, unless you are happy with yourself. I am not happy with myself, thus any type of relationship would be doomed to begin with. I believe this will all my heart. Also, when I find I am interested in somebody, I 1) hold back 2) scared of my feelings because I generally choose woman that ultimately fuck me over, 3) there is some obstacle in the way, for example, they don't see me that way. I am not the world's most socially acceptable person. I honestly don't care too much about society's opinoin on these matters of what is "right" versus "wrong." Society can go fuck itself. We keep forgetting it is about choice, and I won't have anybody, including a gazillion of stupid sheep tell me elsewise (how's that for a politically charged statement... Smoking bans, my ass!) (hmmm, maybe it is comments like this that also prevent me from finding a date... .... .... .... ... I am a hot-headed individual of eastern Eurpean origins) Number 3 has been the bain of my existence for the last several years. Which is why I am almost to the point of just saying, "Fuck it! Perhaps I wasn't meant to have anybody, and I should just start living my life to that accord." There is always something... I guess the point, I ... I just don't know anymore. I guess it is best to just bury my feelings like I usually do and go about my business, like learning to play the guitar. I am pretty good about that. In fact, I could write a book. So, my emotional wall continues to stand. I am a rock. I am an Island. Now, that I, and possibly you, my dear reader who actually choose to read through this bullshit, am (are) depressed, I shall take my leave. Actually, I feel better. I just can't be funny all the time. I keep forgetting that I too am human. Later.

I Am A Rock!

Simon and Garfunkel write:

A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

I wrote ... why the hell won't this stop with the italics? I think it's Firefox. Wait a moment while I switch to a different browser... Of all the annoying...
I am now using Explorer to see if this browser will obey my comands. And, as you can see, no.... Let me try something else to remove the italics.

Ummm ... No, drat! GADS!!!! Nothing ever obeys! Of all the ... filth foul foul filth.... Anyway, I guess you'll have to endure the slanted letters. I do apologize, but I can't seem to fix the problem. So much for dramatic flare in a post of self-loathing. Geesh! I can't feel sorry for myself properly!!!! :)

Anyway, I just wanted to comment on the above lyrics. They are true. Hey, Paul and Art, I am going to prove you right, Boys! I am going to be that rock, that island.

So, why am I writing this... Hell if I know. I just felt like being bitter. People don't think one should feel bitter. But, why the hell not? So, I post, then I shall stop being bitter and get on with something better, shall I? Okay. That should fix this slanted letter thing going on. I will never, ever post lyrics to a song in Italics ever again.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Alrighty then. My last blogs have been all pretty much lame, that is, too many lists and questions that need to be answered. You want rants! You want insight! You want me to shut the hell up? Anyway, I will get back to the basics tomorrow. I think I hate the fact it has been rather shitty, and I have other matters that need my attention. That is how I've been spending my shower time. I know, a waste of good shower time. I don't know what to say... Life has a tendency to interrupt shower time. Nothing is sacred anymore. Have you noticed that? Nothing is sacred. And, that is just plain crappy. So, I hope that I am struck with ideas and one of those will be remembered and we can get back to good old fashioned paragraphs of useless bullshit! So, what do you say? Onward to bed, then to the shower, then to work, then to the Game Room for some good bullshit! Break on three... one... two... three!!! BREAK! Later.

Chicken Wings!

I love chicken wings. I can't think of anything better then chicken wings, beer, and college basketball. That is the ultimate in my small world. I guess I do live in a small world, and maybe I should think about expanding my horizons. Maybe I should get a hamburger with the beer for college basketball games! :) Anyway, the weather here blows. I have much to do. AND, it's cold. It's still cold. I hate cold. I am swelled up. Ever since my auto accident in 1999, I have never been the same. Changes in the weather really take me for a ride. I feel awful. I wish I had some chicken wings, beer, and a college basketball game to watch. I won't have another one of those until next week.

It looks wet outside. Actually, what a stupid observation, it is wet outside.

Let's see. Hmmm... Nothing really going on around here. I just opened a box of Cheese Nips. I had some at a shin-dig the other week, and they've been my new favorite snack. I don't think it is because they are good. I think it is because they are called Cheese Nips. I also think I have a fascination with cheese. What an interesting food product!!! I have been meaning to check out a dairy for sometime now. How is this food created? What is the magic behind a block of cheese? Near my summer home, we have a cheese master working at the Lynn Dairy in Lynn, Wisconsin. How does one become a cheese master? Do they start off as a curd? HEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!! All jokes aside, the cheese from Lynn Dairy is really good. Their Colby cheese is my favorite. I love that cheese. And, the variation called Co-Jack is fantastic. I think, next to beer, cheese is what I consume most in Cheeseland. GO CHEESE!!!

Can you tell I am struggling. I guess my mind is elsewhere. Anyway, I have another game that I shall play... So, here we go! More questions that I will vaguely answer! WOO HOO!!! QUESTIONS!!! What shall I reveal today? (Some of these are repeats! So, ummm... see if I said something new?) --- Later

1. What woke you up this morning?

My fucking alarm clock… every fucking morning that fucking alarm clock decides to ring and ring and ring and ring and ring… Then, I decide to turn it off after I feel I’ve managed to annoy just about everybody who can hear it. The reasoning… If I have to be up, we all must be up. That’s not true, but in my college days, oh yeah, that was true.

2. When's the last time you looked in a dictionary?
This afternoon, Funny story, actually. I was…. Hahahaha!!! How can anything be funny when one looks in the dictionary? It’s the damn dictionary. When I was little I would look for dirty words, but that is still not funny.

3. What are you dreading right now?
My work. I have work to do, and I don’t want to do it. The things I do…

4. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
Wednesday? Hmmmm…. Nope. I will be here doing more work. Maybe I can do some writing. I’ve been working on a story. I think I’ve hammered out the details to salvage a project I began long ago.

5. When's the last time you had a slush?
Slush? What the hell is a slush? Is that a drink? Is that something to do with jumping in puddles? I did that today! Slush? ….. Slush? I really don’t know. Slush? It’s slushy outside, and I jumped in it. Why not?

6. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Paul. He and I went to a brew pub.

7. How many Myspace friends do you have?
Two! I am SO popular, I can puke!

8. What was your first thought this morning?
“SHIT!” then I rethought my first thought to actually be, “SHIT! I am so negative! SHIT!” Then, after that thought, I thought, “SHIT!” ….

9. Do you like school?
I could go to school like nobody’s business.

10. Are you thristy?
No, I’m JOE! JOE, damn you!!!

11. Where would you like to live?
THE YUKON! I’ve wanted to run with the caribou. Don’t ask.

12. What is the coolest vacation you have ever been on?
I was up in Wisconsin to close the cabin. It was as cold as hell. I was trying to close the place up, and it snowed on me. BRRRRR!!!!!

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Retired.

14. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
THAT, is a really good question. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I hope I am not sitting here in front of this computer answering questions, but a better computer.

15. What was the last thing you ate?
I said I just opened Cheese Nips earlier. Were you not paying attention?

16. Who do you wish you were with right now?
I wouldn’t want to wish me on anybody.

17. Who was the last person that left you a comment?
My sister telling me I had too much time on my hands. Yeah, well, you know what I have to say to that????? Ummm…. Let me think… Ummm….. Ummmmm….. So there!

18. How often do you log in to myspace?
Lately, a little bit. Cus, it’s a new adventure, I guess. That, and some friends only communicate that way. As I’ve said before, I am the great communicator. I don’t. Right, friends?

19. Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?:
Mental telepathy.

20. How many car accidents have you been in?
My old car was an accident. Damn thing… I had soooo many problems. I don’t have the time to really get into it.

21. Do you listen to music every day?:
I do. So, what is it to you?

22. Do you like your parents?
Sure.

23. What was the last thing you ate?
This is a repeated question. What kind of bullshit game is this to repeat questions…. I know, you are trying to catch me in a lie, aren’t you, Game!?!? HA! Not going to happen. Homey doesn’t play that game.

24. Are you a fast typer?
I guess. I wrote this line in .23432343 milliseconds.

25. How many speeding tickets do you have?
At the moment, none.

26. What are you doing tonight?
Same thing I always do… TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!

27. Which smiley do you use the most?
Smiley? It’s called an emo-con. And, I don’t show emotion!

*Sniff* I don’t! *sniff* I don’t! I don’t! I don’t!

28. Is anything bothering you?

I was editing, and I missed this question... Yes, that I don't think my answers are funny enough, if they are in fact funny. DAMN!

29. Do you miss someone?

“At my door the leaves are falling
A cold wild wind has come
Sweethearts walk by together
And I still miss someone

I go out on a party
And look for a little fun
But I find a darkened corner
because I still miss someone”

Good ‘ol Johnny Cash.

30. What do you want to do right now?
Well, I would like to eat chicken wings, drink beer, and watch college basketball. I mentioned this before, didn’t I?

31. Are you listening to music right now?
Actually, no… Wait a sec. Now I am !

32. Are you in a good mood?
I am moodless. If I were wearing a mood ring, it would crack from my lack of mood. I am in NO MOOD… HAHAHAHAHHAAAAA!!!!

33. What are you doing this weekend?

I am going to a gathering. Then I will clean my apartment. Then, who the hell knows.

34. Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
The voices in my head.

35. When were you the saddest in your life?
2001. That… that was a year, let me tell you.

36. Do you own more than one cell phone?
No, and I wouldn’t own the one I had if I could.

37. Do you use EBay to buy or sell?
I buy. Best place to get my hobby stuff. But, I haven’t lately.

38. What makes you mad?
Lately, it’s been excuses. I am so tired of excuses, including my own!

39. Do you like to sleep?
Is the sky blue? Is water wet? Is the Pope catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Is beer good?

40. Have you ever sang in public?
Yes! All the time! La! La! La! La!

41. What song makes you happy?
When the pieces all start to fall together. Oooppsss... Misuderstood. I guess it would be saying over and over... LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!

42. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
That really depends, really. I mean, I can do the TV or the radio or the CDs or the I-tunes or the I-pod. I am listening-dexterous.

43. Do you have a job?
Do you? Can I have $10?

44. Turn on your ipod... what song is playing?
Rooster by Alice in Chains.

45. How many close friends do you have?

I guess I have some that I would consider really close. I have this issue about opening up.

46. Do you "knock on wood"?
Ummmm… Wha?

47. Do you like winter?
Do you? Can I have $10?

49. Next concert?
Okay.

50. Name one song that explains your current life.
“Crystal Ball” by Styx

HO! HO! HO!

This is a Christmas one! Let's play!

1. Rather get kissed under the mistletoe or in the snow?
I would kill for any condition. Why quibble?

2. Santa or Rudolph?
The Grinch, cus he’s a sly one that Mister Grinch. And if I had three words that would describe him, it would be stink, stank, stunk.

3. Stocking or presents?
I actually need some white stockings, but don’t you dare get that for me as a present. Socks… BORING!

4. Egg nog or Hot cider? Beer.

5. Angel or star? Ostrich.


6. Decorating the tree, or putting lights on the outside? I do both, actually. I’ve been doing lights since I was twelve.


7. Warm cozy fires or sleigh rides? Apple cobbler. And, that, my friends, is nonsensical.


8. Family time or friend time? Time for the lambada! That is also nonsensical. WOO HOO! Two in a row!


9. Expensive presents or presents that come from the heart?

I don’t really need bits of heart. What a sick question.

10. Snow ball fight or snowman?
Snowballs on a snowman… and, that’s rather crude, don’t you think? Sick! Sick! Sick!

11. Coal or present? I once got coal as a present. I laughed. My nephew, taking after his old uncle. Poor kid.


12. Open presents quick or slow?
Slow. I like to watch others first.

13. Diamonds or rubies? Both! Again, why quibble? I mean seriously.

14. Caroling or Christmas stories? I can’t answer this question based on the fact that I can’t think of anything funny. Ummmm…. Christmas… ummmm… damn. DAMN!


15. Snowy days or ice days?
I’ve traveled in both, and they both suck ass.

16. Red or Green? Periwinkle! More nonsense from yours truly!


17. Best present received?
When I was a teen, my sister bought me the Led Zeppelin box set on CD…. I still have it and often listen… “Since the days of my youth, I as told what it means to be a man!!! Ever since that day, I’ve been trying to do the best I can!” Sorry, getting the Led out.

18. What’s the number one thing you want for Christmas? My two front teeth. That’s all I want for Christmas.


19. If you were going out with someone, what would you want them to get you?
Nothing. I’d want nothing. In fact, I’d rather give. I am serious on this one.

20. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe? No. No, I can’t recall a time where this happened. Sad, really. These questions are depressing. Why? Why must people ask?


21. How early do you get up on Christmas morning? Whenever I feel like it. We do our thing X-mas Eve. It’s a Eastern European thing, and many people have been reminding me about my heritage lately. You know who you are!?!?!?


22. Age you stopped believing in Santa?
What? He’s not real!?! Shit! Then… ummm… Wha? He’s not real? Is that what you are saying, Mr. Game? Oh dear! OH DEAR! I have some shopping to do!

23. Do you send thank you notes?
Nope. I believe I talked about my great communication skills earlier in a post made days ago.

24. Do you think Christmas Eve is the best night of the year?
No, but I think it is damn nice. I like New Years Eve. It’s a time of promise.

25. Is winter your favorite season?
No. I like the fall.

26. Do you like the movie the Grinch?
The Cartoon, oh yes… The movie? Mr. Howard, we need to speak.

27. Are you going anywhere cool this Christmas? Well, if you consider the couch and my ass in it cool? Then, yes, I am.


28. What is your favorite part of Christmas? The music and the lights.

29. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I like wrapping paper, but the old gift bag… I can use those to hide bodies.

30. Real tree or artificial? I don’t really care. I have no preference, other then, trees are trees are trees and both need X-mas lights that I need to do. I’ve been doing them since I was twelve. WRING UP THE LIGHTS!

31. When do you put up the tree? My sister’s answer was pretty cool – she wrote: “I do not. I make my brother do it so it's usually whenever the stupid Illini aren't playing and he's sober. This year, it was Thanksgiving Day.”

32. When do you take the tree down? Hmmm… tree down… Ummmm, after Christmas, I guess. Before Christmas really defeats the purpose of a Christmas tree, doesn’t it?

33. Do you like eggnog? One glass a year is all I drink.

34. Favorite gift received as a child? Let me think… I loved all things Legos, Star Wars, and GI-Joe… But, I did get these 12” superhero figures that I loved. There is a picture of me holding them somewhere. Their legs broke… sniff.

35. Do you have a Nativity scene? I have a nifty scene… picture this….

36. Hardest person to buy for? My dad has everything, so yeah, he’s tough. So is my other sister. She’s tough to buy for on occasion.

37. Easiest person to buy for? ME! I always buy me what I want! How do I know?

38. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? My ex-girlfriend bought me a sweater. Sure, I know what you are thinking, “Joe, that sounds nice!” Wait! Hold on… I told her this story that for like a gazillion years in a row I got sweaters for X-mas. I wear them sometimes… Lately, I have, but I needed to make things in my wardrobe less orange and blue. Anyway, my number one gift would be a sweater every year. And, I don’t really wear them. So, I told her this story. That Christmas, she got me a sweater. …. Erggg… Does anybody listen to me?

39. Mail or email Christmas cards? Me, the great communicator? I think you know the answer to this one.

40 Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story! You’ll shoot your eye out!

41. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Usually around Thanksgiving or a week before. I am a point-click shopper.

42. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Nope. Well, I did buy myself something, and then forgot about it and found it and gave it to me again. Does that really count?

43. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Whatever I can get my grubby hands on!

44. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like color lights inside and white lights outside. But, not too many. I believe to make X-mas lights work, simplicity is the way to go.

45.Favorite Christmas song? It’s the Holiday season!! Well, whopp-dee-do.. Who gives a fuck… something … something… Are those the words?

46. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Let’s see… Travel. I travel to the store. I buy some spirits. Then I travel back home to the couch and “admire” the spirits. Travel at Christmas can be fun! ;)

47. Can you name all of Santa's reindeers? I don’t know them personally… But, let me see if I can… You know Dodder and Fodder and Blodder and Shiznit… Cupodill and Synder and Hollybirdtree…. Right? Oh, how can I forget Sam!

49. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We do the Eve thing, cus night time is cool… That, and why wait one more day? Seriously!

50. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I guess it would be the fact that all that work, and it’s done in 24 hours. That’s bullshit!

I's got some games! So, me play!

These questions... I've often wondered about them. I do my best to reveal very little. But, well, enjoy, I reckon.

40 Questions!!!

11. The phone rings. What is your ringtone?
First I say, “Do I want to answer it? My phone is over there!!!” Then, I don’t. I am notorious for not answering my phone. Then I say, “Wow, somebody is calling me. That’s rare.” The phone stops ringing. Then I get a beep that says I have a voice-mail. That beep lasts for a few hours. Then I walk over and shut if off. Then five days I later I listen to the message. Then I call back the person. What was the question? Oh, ringtone. Led Zeppelin’s Kasmir. I like Led Zeppelin and I like that song.

2. Did you go anywhere yesterday?
I came back from Chicago. I visit there often. The weather sucked. I went right to the couch. There I pondered.

3. Who was the last person you shared beds with?
A cat named Molly. This question is rather depressing. Let’s move on.

4. Favorite drinks?
Shit… do I have to answer this one?

5. Does the person you like know that you like them?
I am very good, I think at hiding any type of proof I like anyone.

6. Last time you talked to your mom?
Talked to my step-mom in June. I am the great communicator. See question one.

7. Where are you right now?
In a state of constant bliss!?! Okay, I lied. I am currently offline sitting somewhere plotting. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

8. If you HAD to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
She’s my baby niece, so yeah. I’m an Uncle. We do that.

9. Favorite gadget in the kitchen?
Popcorn popper. I am a popcorn fanatic. I can’t live without popcorn.

10. Favorite pie?
Apple.

11. How is your hair?
Falling out. Damn you genetics and stress… damn you!

12. Where's the last place you walked to?
The fridge for a beer . Good times. Good times.

13. Last time you had a sleepover?
Do I sound like a person who would have a sleepover? Come on!!! Please!

14. Latest you stayed up in the past week?
I was up until 2am… I often am. Late night + Joe = good living.

15. What are you doing?
Sitting here trying to creatively answer questions while trying hard not to reveal anything about myself. I am a private person.

16. Have you been in a car accident?
Sometime in college. I went to Mardi Gras. There was an ice storm. My car hit a tree bush.

17. What was the last thing you said?
“Shit!”

18. Who's the 1st person on your missed calls list?
Did I get a phone call?

19. What did the last text message you received say?
“Illini in the Rose Bowl!”

20. Last time you went to church?
1990 after an ice storm and my car hit a tree bush.

21. Story behind your MySpace song?
MySpace song? I don’t have a MySpace song. I hardly use the thing. BUT, if I had to choose a song that adequately describes me… FEEDBACK!!! You’re awesome, Jimmi!

22. What's bothering you right now?
Do you have time… First of all, ….

DESCRIBE YOUR:

23. Wallet?
Empty…

24. Eyes?
Hazel…

25. Life?
On other planets!

WHAT ARE YOU:

26. Doing this weekend to come?
Nothing much… Something to do with alcohol, I am sure. Perhaps even a few snacks.

27. Wearing?
Thin…

28. Wanting?
The entire world!!!!

29. Listening to?
The sound of silence.

30. What do you smell?
Nothing. I smell nothing. Do you think I have a problem?

31. Do you sleep naked?
Nah, but I have.

32. Do you like seafood?
Yes, when I seafood, I eat it.

33. Do you remember your dreams?
Yes, I often do. Like that one that was really weird? That was really weird.

34. Do you consider yourself a study freak?
No… WING THAT MOTHER! That’s my mantra!

35. Do you speak another language other than English?
Pig latin!

36. What did you do last night?
I watched a movie. I ate popcorn. I thought about working. Then, I went to bed.

37. What do you hate?
At the moment, I am not very fond of some of my choices.

38. Orange or apple juice?
How about orange-apple juice? Or, …. I really like cranberry juice, now that I think about it.

39. Who were the last people you went out to lunch with?
My friend Paul. We hit a brew pub after the Illini game. It was called Piece. They had this wicked Double Imperial Stout… Yum.

40.Last thing you ate?
Cheese nips.

Joe... From A to Z ...

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ!!!

I am in the process of changing the English language as we speak. I am convinced that those who control language can control the world. With that in mind, please read the following....

MY A-Z

A. AVAILABLE: 24-7.
A. AGE: 33
A. ANNOYANCE: People who don’t mean what they say.

B. BEST FRIENDS: FOREVER!!!
B. BEER: I could go on and on…
B. BIRTHDAY: Dare I say it? I hate my birthday.. .Of all fucking days… January 2. I hate that day.

C. CRUSH: Orange!
C. CAR: Working, Thank God!
C. CANDY: Machines are awesome!

D. DAY OR NIGHT: Night and day!
D. DREAM CAR: One that continues working.
D. DOG OR CAT: Fish. His name is Ike.

E. EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: That voice inside my head. That bastard is always talking, though. “Joe, do this! Joe, do that!” … Nag! Nag! Nag!
E. EGGS: Salad… yummy! Yummy!
E. EMAIL: I do, on occasion.

F. FAVORITE MONTH: October. Love the color.
F. FAVORITE COLOR[S]: Orange and Blue!
F. FAVORITE FLOWER: Black rose!

G. GUMMY: All the time!
G. GIVER OR TAKER: Taker begins with “T”… So, this should be omitted from the list.
G. GUM: I usually don’t chew gum. I have a tendency to swallow after a few chews.

H. HAIR COLOR: Brown.
H. HEIGHT: Six feet…
H. HAPPY: Feet! It was a movie my little niece loved.

I. ICE CREAM: You scream! We all scream for ice cream!
I. INSTRUMENT YOU CAN PLAY: the Kazoo. I am an expert.
I. IDOL: I don’t have one.

J. JEWELRY: I wear an American Indian carved ring. I love the American Southwest and would love to eventually live there.
J. JOB: na na nah… Sha na na na na… Get a job!
J. JAIL: House Rock!

K. KIDS: None, zip… zippo… Though, one might consider me a kid.
K. KICK BOXING OR KARATE: I can say them both.
K. KINDERGARTEN: I can say this word, too!

L. LONGEST CAR RIDE: I have been all over this nation.
L. LAST KISS: It’s been awhile. And, quite frankly, I don't know if I care.
L Love: …………………………… That’s all I have to say about that.

M. MILK FLAVOR: Huh? Ummm… yeah, huh? Milk has always been milk flavored, right?
M. MOST MISSED PERSON: My mother. She died when I was 11.
M. MOVIE LAST WATCHED: Superbad.
N. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Two
N. NUMBER OF TATTOOS: None…
N. NAME: Joe… Just Joe. I think that rather says it all.

O. ONE WISH: It would be? …. That it starts to makes sense.
O. ONE PHOBIA: Claustrophobia.
O. ONE REGRET: I often wonder if maybe I should’ve stayed where I was.

P. PARTNER IN CRIME: If I told anybody, we’d be arrested because the gig would be up.. But, basically, I am my own best partner in crime. I can get myself in trouble all by myself.
P. PART OF YOUR APPEARANCE YOU LIKE BEST: I am not one to look at, seriously.
P. PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY YOU LIKE BEST: Sense of humor.

Q. QUICK OR SLOW: Depends…
Q. QUIET OR LOUD: Music must be loud! LOUD!
Q. QUEER: My college roommate was… He and I had this idea to break up a couple. I get the girl, and he gets the guy. It never worked.

R. REASON TO SMILE: There are many reasons to smile. Just look around.

R. REALITY TV SHOWS: None… I watch Television as much as I answer the phone.
R. REASONS TO CRY: I have many, but my sense of humor keeps me laughing.

S. SONG LAST HEARD: “Christmas Time is Here” by the great jazz pianist Vince Guraldi.

S. SEASON: For loving!
S. SHOES: over by the door.

T. TIME YOU WOKE: Dark
T. TIME NOW: Dark
T. TIME FOR BED: When I feel like it.

U. YOU LOVE SOMEONE: No.
U. UNPREDICTABLE: I don’t think so. Bet you didn't see that one coming?
U. UNIVERSITY: University of Illinois – Urbana/Champaign, DePaul University - Chicago

V. VEGETABLE YOU HATE: The rotten kind.
V. VEGETABLE YOU LOVE: the fresh kind.
V. VACATION SPOT: The Yukon! I also love my summer home in Wisconsin. I spent the summer there this year. And, now that I think about it, I wish I was still there.

W. WORST HABITS: Heh, I need more space then this.
W. WHERE ARE YOU TRAVELING TO NEXT: Czechland. I have family there… mainly my Grandmother.

W. WEATHER RIGHT NOW: Nasty.

X. X-RAYS: To see right through stuff, right?
X. X-RATED: Nah… I am pretty much PG-13.
X. X-FILES: I can be classified as such, no?

Y. YEAR YOU WERE BORN: 1974
Y. YEAR IT IS NOW: 2007
Y. YELLOW: goes the light and up goes my speed.

Z. Zoo Animal: The Zebra.
Z. ZODIAC: Capricorn.
Z. ZOOPHILIA: Ummm… no.