Book O' Disease

AT LAST!!! FINALLY!!!! IT'S FINISHED!!!! THE THIRD, and possibly FINAL INSTALLMENT!

BOOK O' DISEASE

or

BOB THE DARK LORD

Sponsors an Event

Yet Another Stupid Story Inspired by

Kristopher

And

Written by

Joe

Chapter 1

Gingivitis

Above the city of Luxemtogospieltendunken flew the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom. A most sinister and evil smile began to muster on the lips of the most evil being to ever walk the planet. “ARE THE MISSLES READY!?!” the being barked at the crew. “Yes…” cowered a voice form behind him. “THEN LAUNCH THEM ALL ON MY MARK!!!” screamed the evil being. “FIRE!!” With that, thousands and thousands of missiles were poured on the unsuspecting city below. Within seconds, what was once Luxemtogospieltendunken the city was now Luxemtogospieltendunken the big hole in the ground. “SUCCESS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” said the evil being.

“Sir, what are your orders?” asked a crewman nearby.

“I WAIT FOR NO ORDERS! FIND THE NEXT TOWN AND BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS, OF COURSE!!! WE DON’T STOP UNITIL THE WORLD IS MINE!! ALL MINE!!!” The being in long dark black robes and a dark black hat twirled toward the bridge doors and started walking towards them. “I SHALL BE IN MY OFFICE! NOBODY BOTHERS ME! IF THEY DO, IT MEANS YOUR DEATHS! UNDERSTOOD?”

“Yes!” said the entire Bridge crew in unison.

“I WAIT FOR NO CONFORMATIN!” said the evil being. “SOON THE WORLD WILL ALL COWER BEFORE ME, CARL THE DARKER LORD!” Through the doors he went and the bridge crew sighed in relief at his departure.

“That guy is a jerk!” said the Navigator.

“Word,” said the Weapons Officer.

Chapter 2

Hemorrhoids

Deep within the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom was an office. In that office was Carl the Darker Lord. He was in a meeting.

“MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE MOST EVIL OF THEM ALL???” asked Carl the Darker Lord in a tone as if he was yelling (He always sounded like he was yelling). Before him was, ummm, how to describe it? Um, well, it was a mirror on the wall, and it was magical. It also talked. Can you believe that? A talking, magical mirror! Carl the Darker Lord bought it at Spencers Gifts. They have such neat stuff! All those things that you never thought you needed or thought existed! Way to go Spencers Gifts!!! Anyway, umm… story… right…

“You are, O Evil One,” said the mirror back.

“YOU AREN’T JUST SAYING THAT TO PREVENT ME FROM BREAKING YOU INTO BILLIONS OF SHARDS ARE YOU, MIRROR?”

“I can’t lie to you, Lord Master Carl. It isn’t in my programming.”

“GOOD!” Carl said looking into the mirror to admire his evilness.

“However, Sir,” began the mirror cautiously. “I do need to mention something.”

“WHAT??” screamed Carl the Darker Lord.

The mirror began nervously. “There is another sorta, kinda, not so much, a little bit, in a way, a tad, ummm…”

“OUT WITH IT, MIRROR! BEFORE YOU ARE DUST!”

“There is a *gulp* ummm…..”

“YES???”

“….another dark lord. He’s trying to control the world’s oceans!” said the mirror quickly.

“WHAT??????”

“There is a another, sorta, kinda evil dark lord trying to control the oceans?” said the mirror meekly.

“ANOTHER DARK LORD????? ANOTHER DARK LORD????”

“Yes,” cowered the mirror.

In an instant, the fist of Carl the Darker Lord sailed through the surface of the mirror cracking it to bits. Shards flew across the room showering every surface. Carl then started to huff. He started to puff. He started to blow his top off. “WHERE IS THIS CRETIN WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY????”

Of course the mirror could not answer the question. It was broken into tiny bits.

Carl the Darker Lord looked down in anger. “DAMN YOU, MIRROR! ANSWER ME!”

Again, no answer.

“SHARDS ON THE FLOOR THEN! WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY?”

The shards barked back. “We’re sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected. Please hang up and dial again.”

“ZONTER! I NEED A NEW MIRROR!” growled the eviler darker lord.

Chapter 3

Urinary Tract Infection

Sitting depressed on a big, dark throne of evil in the big, dark throne room of evil surrounded by fish tanks located deep in the big, dark Fortress of Evil that was behind the big, dark fence of evil at the end of a dark road of evil was Bob the Dark Lord. “DRAT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!” he sneered. “Can’t those people just leave me alone!! I am evil! Don’t they know that!?! Can’t they see that!?! I have a fish army! I have a big, dark fortress of evil! I sell untrained animals in my pet shop!” A piece of paper fell to the floor from his hand that said on the front “You’re Invited!” At that moment, Volcano Creature, Bob’s only friend, popped in for his daily visit.

“How are you today, Bob the Dark Lord?”

“I am evil!” said Bob. “Thank you for asking.”

“You don’t look evil, Bob the Dark Lord. You look rather depressed.”

“I’ve never been able to fool you, Volcano Creature. I am rather evilly sad and evilly upset,” mumbled Bob.

“How come?”

“The citizens of Tripod have invited me to their anniversary gala yet again this year! I just got the invite by carrier pigeon, which I just dropped on the floor before you came in.” It was no secret Bob the Dark Lord disliked the citizens of Tripod. In fact he hated them. They were so nice and happy. It made Bob sick to his stomach just thinking about them. Everyday he wished evil thoughts on them like a fungus on their tomato plants, ringworm on their pets, dog feces on their grassy areas in their parks, unpaid parking tickets that caused the Denver boot, and the most evil of thoughts - mold growing on their food in their refrigerators! Oh how deliciously evil that would be!!!

“So,” said Volcano Creature. “Stomp on them. STOMP ON THEM ALL!”

“I can’t do that. That is your thing.” Bob started to get even more depressed.

“Then do your thing,” said Volcano Creature.

“My thing?” said Bob. “What is my thing?”

“How about fishing for your Ocean Army of Evil to rule over the oceans? I have beer. We could go and at least catch a good buzz!”

“No,” grimaced Bob the Dark Lord. “Not today. I need to sit here and figure out how to handle this invite issue and the anniversary gala.”

“What’s there to handle? Don’t go,” said Volcano Creature matter-of-factly.

“I have to go!” exclaimed Bob. “I was invited!”

Chapter 4

Tonsillitis

“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.

“I NEED A MAGIC MIIRROR!!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I NEED IT NOW!!!!”

The clerk looked at Carl the Darker Lord and then down at his computer screen attached to a computer that sat on the counter of Spencer’s Gifts.

“NOW!!!!” said Carl the Darker Lord.

“Please wait a few moments, sir. I have to access the database to see if we have any available.”

“I WAIT FOR NO DATABASE!”

“Oh, poo, the server is down.”

“I WAIT FOR NO SERVER!”

“I can’t check the inventory, sir.”

“I WAIT FOR NO INVENTORY!”

“Let me see if we have some on the shelf.”

“I WAIT FOR NO SHELF!”

“Please, sir, be patient. I just need to run over there and look at the shelf where I believe I last saw them,” said the clerk.

“I WAIT FOR NO PATIENCE!”

And, it was by chance, with Carl’s last utterance, that the clerk was losing patience with Carl himself. “Sir, it won’t be but a few more seconds. Now, please, don’t talk to me in that manner. I only make minimum wage.”

“I WAIT FOR NO MINIMUM WAGE!”

“Okay, sir, one more outbreak like that, and I will have to ask you to leave.”

“I WAIT FOR NO OUTBREAK!”

“That’s it!” said the clerk. “I am now calling mall security to have you removed.”

“I WAIT FOR NO REMOVAL!”

“Then, please remove yourself!” yelled the clerk.

“I WAIT FOR NO PLEASE!”

“I am NOW dialing security,” said the clerk very angrily. “They’ll have you removed and barred from here for life!”

“I WAIT FOR NO BARRING, AND IT IS YOU THAT SHALL BE BARRED FOR LIFE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the entire mall from the face of the planet.

“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.

“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE THE NETWORK ISN’T DOWN!”

“Yes, sir!” said another minion.

“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.

Chapter 5

Flesh Eating Bacteria

“Hello!” said a citizen of Tripod to Bob the Dark Lord. “How are you today?”

The citizens of Tripod always harassed Bob the Dark Lord as he walked to open up his pet store in the mornings. It was always “Good Morning This… and Good Morning That!” Good morning! Good morning! Good morning! No morning was good as far as Bob was concerned. And, he always felt the same. “I am evil,” he replied in return. “Thank you for asking.”

“Good to hear it!” said the citizen as he walked on. “Good to hear it!”

“Bah!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “You will get your good morning as soon as I rule the oceans,” he continued under his breath.

The pet store opened promptly at 9:00 A.M. in the morning. Bob felt that it was his duty as an evil dark lord to make sure people had prompt access to untrained pets and expensive pet supplies. However, Bob the Dark Lord’s prices were very reasonable. It was the most evil thing to do. His distributors were always cutting him deals in order to keep his business. Bob didn’t realize this. He always thought they were just afraid of him, as most people should be of evil dark lords. Just like an evil dark lord ought to do, he passed the savings on to his customers as it was an ingenious plan! Nobody would suspect a dark lord on passing on the savings to customers, nobody! It was pure evil.

Bob the Dark Lord stepped behind his usual counter awaiting his next victims when the Mayor of Tripod happened to walk in.

“Mr. Dark Lord,” began the Mayor. “How are you today?”

“I am evil,” replied Bob the Dark Lord. "Thanks for asking."

“Yes, of course you are!” said the Mayor. “Mr. Dark Lord, you are coming to the Anniversary Gala, yes?”

“I must. I was invited,” said Bob.

“Good. We always like when our business owners take an interest in the communities they serve.”

“I serve only myself,” Bob said. “I am evil.”

“Yes, or course you do,” replied the Mayor. “And, as a business owner, we know you would like to sponsor an event or something. You know, to drum up more business for yourself.”

“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I always sponsor evilness!”

“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “Now, I hear you are an avid fisherman?”

“I fish to catch fish for my ocean army of evil,” retorted Bob.

“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “Now, as it so happens, the Gala always has a fishing derby. Prizes are given to the best fishermen.”

“There are STILL others that try to catch fish for their own armies?” yelped out Bob the Dark Lord. “I shall not have this! I shall not let this be! It is I that shall rule the oceans! They must be destroyed!”

“Of course you must,” said the Mayor. “But, I assure you it’s all in good fun.”

“I despise fun!” said Bob. “I am evil!”

“Of course you do,” said the Mayor.

“You leave the store NOW!” barked Bob the Dark Lord. “I must plan the demise of these fishermen trying to thwart my plans!”

The Mayor looked confused.

“I thought I removed these fishermen. I thought I had complete fish control!”

The Mayor looked really confused.

“I do appreciate you bringing this to my attention. I shall not destroy you for your loyalty to me, Bob the Dark Lord! Now, please, leave my store! I have much to do!”

The Mayor needed that sponsorship money. Even though he was rather confused at Bob’s rumblings, he quickly had to change tactics, and decided to play along. “The fishermen, in this derby, will fish for you,” said the Mayor at last.

“Fish for me?” asked Bob. “I am evil.”

“Of course they will, because you are evil.” said the Mayor. “All the fish caught will become your fish.”

“They will become my fish?” asked Bob. “Fish for my evil fish army?”

“Every single one of them!”

“Yes… yes…,” Bob said as he twisted his evil mustache on his evil face with his evil hands. He sure could use the help. Most of the fish he and Volcano Creature caught were either not to the size limits or ended up dead. Bob wasn’t quite sure why those fishing manuals had him gut, clean, and then roll the fish up in newspaper so they can be stored in the freezer. He figured it was some sort of evil magical voodoo ritual. It was probably the fishes’ souls that went back into the water to control other fish and that would all lead to his eventual control of the oceans. Bob had seven freezers full of the voodooed fish. He wasn’t sure how many freezers it would take to get his coveted control. Again, any little help he could get would help in the long run.

“But, there is a catch!” quipped the Mayor.

“A catch,” Bob said. “Catches are quite evil. I am beginning to like you, Mayor of Tripod.”

“You must sponsor the event!” said the Mayor.

“If I sponsor such an event, after it is all said and done, I get to destroy the other fishermen?”

“Of course we’ll have to see about that part,” said the Mayor. “But, first, the event sponsorship? We’ll make sure your name is everywhere!”

“Then Bob the Dark Lord’s Pet Emporium will sponsor such an event!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am Evil!”

“It will be $5,000!” said the Mayor delightedly. “And, after I get my money, you can be evil as you want!”

Chapter 6

Dysentery

“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.

“I NEED A MAGIC MIIRROR!!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I NEED IT NOW!!!!”

The clerk looked at Carl the Darker Lord and then down at his computer screen attached to a computer that sat on the counter of Spencer’s Gifts.

“NOW!!!!” said Carl the Darker Lord.

“Please wait a few moments, sir. I have to access the database to see if we have any available.”

“I WAIT FOR NO DATABASE! I WENT THROGH THIS BEFORE! I WILL DESTORY YOU!”

“Sir, please, just a few moments.”

“I WAIT FOR NO MOMENTS!” said Carl the Darker Lord. He pulled out a ring of power, slipped it on his finger, and then became invisible.

“Sir, where did you go?” chirped the sales clerk.

“I PUT ON THE WRONG RING, YOU FOOL!” came a voice from nothingness.

“I don’t understand,” said the clerk.

“THIS IS THE RING I WANTED,” said a voice from nothingness. Carl the Darker Lord reappeared wearing a ring with a dark purplish rock attached to it. “TAKE THIS!” Carl pointed the ring at the clerk but nothing happened. Well, not nothing. There was a spark, a fizzle, and a sound that sounded like the thud sound an old carbureted car made when it was turned off after it had been driven for awhile. Similar to the sound the author had driven when he was much younger… a certain 1987 Dodge Omni. Those were good times.

“Sir?” asked the clerk.

“ZONTER!” said the darker lord. “IT IS BROKEN! I WILL NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THESE, TOO!” He said the clerk as he pointed to the ring.

“I am sorry, sir, be we don’t carry that brand of ring at this location.”

“NO!??!!?!” said Carl the Darker Lord.

“No,” said the clerk. “Maybe I can make a special order?”

“I WAIT FOR NO SPECIAL ORDERS!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the entire mall from the face of the planet.

“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.

“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE I CAN GET A MAGIC MIRROR AND RING OF POWER!!!!”

“Yes, sir!” said another minion.

“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.

Book O' Disease II

Chapter 7

Colic

It was a dark, and dreary day. It was the type of day that made Bob the Dark Lord squeamish with evil delight. He knew nobody would be out and about bothering him if he had to go somewhere, anywhere at all, which was usually nowhere because Bob liked his solitude.

“Hello, my evil fish army!” Bob the Dark Lord said evilly cheerful to each evil aquarium in his evil hall as he put evil food in them all. “Soon, you will be ready to rule the oceans. Soon my pets will be untrained in every household causing much mass hysteria with their defecation in all corners of their living spaces! SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE and I am sponsoring a fishing derby where I will gain more fish for that evil voodoo ritual regarding newspapered fish in freezers! I AM EVIL!”

There was a rap on the dark evil door of the dark evil entrance to the dark evil fortress that housed Bob the Dark Lord.

“Who must that be at this most evil of hours?” Bob asked himself. He hurried to the door and threw it open ready to scream at the imbecile that dared disturb him.

“Hello,” said a man wearing a three piece suit. “I hear you’re the pet store clerk! In fact, I hear you own many pet stores,” he said in a nice and happy like it would make a sane person vomit type way.

“I am evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord in response. "Thank you for asking."

“I am sure you are,” said the man in the three piece suit.

“What, pray tell, do you want?” asked Bob. “I am busy feeding the many aquariums of small evil fish ready to serve me and assume control of the oceans.”

“It’s not what I want,” said the man in the same sappy, happy tone of voice he used when Bob greeted him. “It’s what you want!”

“I want total global domination,” sneered Bob evilly.

“AND, I can give that to you, especially in terms of dog food.”

“Dog food?” asked Bob. “How can dog food bring me what I want?”

“The dog food I can distribute to you, which you can sell through your stores, is only the best dog food money can buy!” said the man.

“I already sell dog food,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“But, not this kind of dog food,” said the man.

“What makes your dog food so special?” asked Bob. “Is it evil?”

“You can say that!” exclaimed the man.

“What makes it evil?” asked Bob curiously. Anything evil he might be able to sell would definitely be worth hearing about. It was ALL about global domination, after all. Perhaps dog food was another step towards the ultimate goal. Bob the Dark Lord like having multiple steps.

“Based on new strides in science…,” began the man.

“Evil science?” asked Bob. “As in mad scientist evil science?”

“Ummm…errr….,” began the man. It was then his years of sales training began to enter his mind…say anything to make the sale…say anything to make the sale… “Why, yes, mad science, if you will.”

“Go on!” pleaded Bob evilly.

I’ve got him…now not to lose him…. “Mad science found ways to make healthier alternatives to a dog’s diet. This food is mad scientifically treated to make sure dogs live healthier, happy lives.”

“Happy?” said Bob. “Longer lives? That’s evil?” asked Bob.

“It is when you consider how much of a continual financial drain the dog will have on the family if it lives longer!” said the man in the three piece suit rather proud of himself.

“GENIUS!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “PURE EVIL GENIUS!”

“I like to think so!”

“I would like to have this mad scientifically made dog food in my stores so that dogs live longer and thus become a further financial burden on the family,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Muhahahahahhahaaaa!”

“That’s what I thought,” said the man. “It’s what I like to hear. Let’s draw up an order for your stores now!”

“With devilish delight,” said Bob. “I am evil!”

Bob plucked down a considerable sum of money on this new type of dog food, and then walked the man in the three piece suit to his car.

“You won’t be unhappy with the choice to carry our dog food that you made today,” said the man.

“I am evil!” said Bob.

The man in the three piece suit got into his car and began to drive away from the evil fortress of doom down the evil road of doom. But, before he passed through the evil gate of doom, it was then that Bob the Dark Lord spied a strange bumper sticker on the back of that man’s car. He said as he read aloud, “He who dies with the most toys wins!” Bob pondered that message for a minute. “He who dies with the most toys wins? What does that mean? What do toys have to do with anything? And, what is it that you win? The world, thus global domination?”

It was then that Volcano Creature stomped up. “Hello, Bob the Dark Lord! How are you today?”

“I am evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord suddenly removed from his train of thought by Volcano Creature’s greeting. "Thank you for asking."

“I had one heck of a good time destroying a town today,” said Volcano Creature. “I stomped around on this town. The citizens screamed in horror. I continued to stomp around. They continued to scream. It was music to my ears, that is until they were all dead!”

“How wonderfully evil,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“Then, I thought to myself,” said Volcano Creature. “I sure could use some time fishing.”

“Yes, fishing, of course,” said Bob.

“You up for it?”

“Of course, Volcano Creature…. Can fish,” replied Bob.

“Good. I will grab some beer. Meet me by your boat.”

Bob just stood for a moment as the thought of that man’s bumper sticker came back to him. “Volcano creature, do you think maybe we should go buy some toys instead?”

“Whatever for?” asked Volcano Creature rather surprised at the question.

“To win,” said Bob.

“Win what?”

“I don’t know.”

Chapter 8

Cholera

“Welcome to Spencer’s Gifts!” said the clerk behind the counter.

“I NEED A RING OF POWER!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “THE BRAND THAT RULES THEM ALL!!!!”

“Sounds very Tolkin,” said the clerk.

“HUSH! I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR LITERARY INTERPRETATION!” screamed Carl.

“Right, ummm, yeah…Let me check the computer. Hmmn, funny, we do have some rings of power. We just got some in yesterday,” said the clerk.

Carl started to snare. “THEN BRING THEM FORTH! I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO WASTE HERE!!!”

“Oh goodness,” said the clerk looking up from his computer screen. “However, I am sorry, but we don’t have the one to rule them all yet.”

“NO?”

“No. The computer record I am looking at doesn’t even show that it has even been ordered.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR ORDERED!” Carl the Darker Lord paused for a minute. This was the seventeenth store he had visited, and decided maybe it wasn’t a good idea to destroy it like the rest. “WAIT, NOT ORDERED? HOW CAN THIS BE?”

“I don’t know, I am sorry. But, I can put in an order for you if you wish?”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR SORRY. HOW SOON CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME?”

“I am not sure. We have a shipment on schedule for next Tuesday. I can’t guarantee any rings to rule them all can get on that shipment. See, the order is already in the works. It is a logistical issue. I will try.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR LOGISTICAL ISSUES!”

“Oh goodness. Wouldn’t even matter if I could get them on next Tuesday’s shipment.”

“WHY NOT?”

“They are custom orders, these rings to rule them all. That would be a minimum of six weeks,” said the clerk. “Something about forging in fires of evil located in the crags of doom and all that jazz.”

“ZONTER!” screamed Carl the Darker Lord. “I WILL HAVE TO GO TO BROOKS BROTHERS OR HEIMMLEKEER SCHLEMMER!”

“You’ll be lucky to find any power rings at those stores at all, sir,” said the clerk. “They aren’t known for such things. We are Spencer’s Gifts. If we don’t have it, then it isn’t available for having.”

“OH IS THAT RIGHT?” Carl just stood there and fumed. He was going to have to figure out a way to get a ring to rule them all. It was necessary, very necessary for his plans. “I WILL NOT WAIT FOR AVAILABLE. DO YOU HAVE A MAGIC MIRROR, THEN? I SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN MINE!”

“Those mirrors are virtually indestructible! You would have to punch it square in the middle to break it, and that would just be stupid!”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR STUPID, AND I DID NOT ASK YOU FOR ANY TYPE OF ASSESSMENT! BRING ME WHAT I ASK OR SUFFER THE CONSQUNECES, YOU CRETIN!”

The clerk ran down some aisle. Then he rang to the back room. Then he came back to the register. “I’m sorry. We’re out of magic mirrors.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR MAGIC MIRRORS!” It was with that Carl the Darker Lord removed himself from the store, from the mall, and from the area to the confines of his own flying fortress. And, it was from that same fortress came thousands of missiles removing, not only Spencer’s Gifts, but the seventeenth mall from the face of the planet.

“Your orders, sir?” said a minion.

“FIND ME ANOTHER MALL!” barked Carl the Darker Lord. “ONE WHERE I CAN GET A MAGIC MIRROR AND RING OF POWER!!!!”

“Yes, sir!” said another minion.

“I WAIT FOR NO YES!” yelled Carl the Darker Lord.

Then a meek voice chirped from behind the communications counsel to the far right of the evil fortress of darkly doom’s command bridge. “Sir? Oh, sir?”

“I WAIT FOR NO SIR!..... WHAT DO YOU WANT, MINION? WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME IN MY THOGHTS?”

“I don’t want anything, sir,” said the meek voice.

“WISE, EMBICLE!” said Carl the Darker Lord.

“I just wanted to make a mere suggestion,” said the meek voice.

“I WAIT FOR NO SUGGESTION! ESPECIALLY MERE ONES!”

There was silence.

“WELL, WHAT IS THE SUGGESTION?” asked Carl the Darker Lord.

“I wanted to suggest that….”

“WHAT!?!?”

The voice continued even more meekly,“…that we try Walgreens for your mirror and ring of power.”

“WALGREENS?”

“Yes….*gulp *… sir.”

“WALGREENS?”

“They have everything,” said the voice.

Carl the Darker Lord stared ahead of him as he looked as if he entered a train of thought. “NAVIGATION!” he then barked.

“Yes, sir!” said a voice to Carl’s left.

“FIND ME A WALGREENS!”

Chapter 9

Appendicitis

The red topped and white bottomed bobber just floated in the water marring the surface just a tad forming very small circles around it. Bob the Dark Lord held his pole tightly with his evil hands and just watched it while he was lost in his thoughts. Volcano Creature was in the back of the boat watching his own bobber, well, trying to watch his own bobber. He, unfortunately, had a few, well, let’s make that a gazillion cold ones, and couldn’t tell whether he was watching three bobbers or just his one. He was sure he only cast in one line. So why were there three bobbers?

“Toys,” Bob finally said aloud after a very long time of silence.

“’Beer’, did you say?” retorted Volcano Creature. “I don’t mind if I do!” Volcano Creature dropped his rod and reel into the water, stood up, and strode to the refrigerator that happened to be located near the steering wheel of the boat. Bob the Dark Lord had a good boat.

Bob looked a tad annoyed. “I said ‘Toys.’”

“I coulda… I coulda… I coulda…*hiccup* said………………..beer,” said Volcano Creature.

“TOYS!” yelled Bob the Dark Lord. “TOYS!”

“Toads!” responded Volcano Creature. “Toads! I LOVE TOADS! All slimy and creepy! Evil, I sa………..y.”

“He with the most toys wins!” exclaimed Bob. “HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS!”

Volcano Creature exclaimed back, “TOADS! He with…..modes …. Toads… ala modes…. wins!”

“Are toys the answer after all?” asked Bob the Dark Lord. “Is that the key to global domination?”

Volcano Creature opened up a microbrew, tossed it back, and said, “To…ads…warts…all… Zon…ter… where’s my…..*hiccup* reel….I could’ve…. Swo…left….it’ere.”

Bob the Dark Lord was silent once again as he concentrated on his bobber. He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice that his bobber was showing signs of a fish bite.

“If….. toadie toad road toads…. What want…. My sw……a…..mp is loaded with ‘em!” Then Volcano Creature fell out of the boat.

Chapter 10

Malignant Tumor

“Welcome to Walgreens!” said a man in a blue vest who was stocking some hand lotion. “Can I help you find something?”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR HELP!” said Carl the Darker Lord who looked like a man on a mission. “DO YOU HAVE A RING OF POWER THAT RULES THEM ALL?…OH, AND A MAGIC MIRROR?”

The man in the blue vest stopped what he was doing and thought for a second. “The ring of power would be found in aisle seven. The magic mirrors are in aisle nine.”

“I WILL NOT WAIT FOR AISLES!” Carl paused and then looked at the man in the blue vest. “THANK YOU!”

“Thanks for shopping at Walgreens,” said the man in the blue vest. His name was Joe. That’s what the tag on the vest said. It’s a good name.

Chapter 11

Herpes

Carl the Darker Lord once again sat in his office on the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom excited about his recent purchases. He was even more excited that he blew-up the Walgreens, too, because now others would be prevented from buying rings of power that rule them all and magic mirrors that dispense information (Carl didn’t know that Walgreens has over 2000 convenient locations all across the country. And, some even have a 24 hour pharmacy in case of emergency!!!).

“TELL ME MAGIC MIRROR,” said Carl the Darker Lord to the new magic mirror he bought at Walgreens, “WHERE CAN I FIND THIS SO-CALLED DARK LORD THAT WISHES TO RULE THE OCEANS!?!?!”

A face slowly formed in the mirror. He looked at Carl the Dark Lord. “That’s crazy,” finally said the mirror. “That’s impossible!”

“FINDING THIS HACK?” asked Carl the Darker Lord.

“No,” said the mirror. “Ruling the ocean!”

Carl the Darker Lord became annoyed. “I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS OTHER DARK LORD!”

“Okay,” began the mirror. “His name is Bob. That’s short for Robert.”

“BOB?” sneered Carl. “WHAT KIND OF EVIL NAME IS THAT?”

“How evil is Carl?” asked the mirror.

Carl was about to smash the mirror for making such a remark about his name, but stopped. First, he didn’t feel like visiting anymore retail establishments for a new mirror. Second, he needed Bob’s location.

“He owns pet stores,” said the mirror. “A lot of them… But, you have to have read ‘Bob the Dark Lord Goes Fishing’ to understand why.”

“I NEVER READ ‘BOB THE DARK LORD GOES FISHING!’” Carl was growing impatient. “IT WAS PROBABLY WRITTEN BY SOME HACK!”

“Hack, yes, but it would help you to understand all the fishing references in this story,” said the mirror.

Carl the Darker Lord began to make a fist with his right hand. “LOCATION?”

The mirror didn’t notice the fist. “If you had read the original ‘Search for the Dark Lord’ you’d know that answer,” said the mirror. “This is a third story in a series, and, with any luck, the last one. I guess that would make it a trilogy, because, you know, there’d be three.”

“I WAIT FOR NO TRILOGIES!” screamed Carl. He was staring to draw his fist to the face of the mirror.

The mirror continued, again not really paying attention to Carl’s fist. “The author, or the hack, as you put it, changed Bob’s location in the second story because he neglected to read the first one to remember what he had done previously. The only thing he did remember was Volcano Creature. He’s appeared in all three. My guess is the author hopes that nobody would notice, in this third story, that he changed Bob’s location back to the original location he had in the first story. He wanted to provide a better continuity, and maybe tie things up, simply thinking this would be the last of the Bob the Dark Lord stories. But, avid readers will notice his continuity problem and thus, like you, call him a hack. The author could go back to his second story and make that change, after all, it is saved somewhere on some hard drive…” The magic mirror would not stop talking about useless information. Furthermore, which was a big mistake if you ask me, continued to ignore Carl the Darker Lord’s question about location of one dark lord named Bob. “Nobody would know that he did make that change, but he’s lazy. The only reason he’s even writing this story is to finish what he started writing years ago. He decided, on a whim, to just up and finish it. It was never finished, you see. Originally, it was supposed to be a love story. He created Roberta the Light Lord as a love interest for this Bob guy. BUT, He doesn’t even remember what he wanted to accomplish with that story. AND, I know for a fact, the author can’t do love story type things. Roberta has been cut-and-pasted right out of this thing. I know he wrote maybe like 11 chapters…, but tossed, like a cigarette butt from a car window. I am sure the quality will be quite poor once he’s finished. That’s what happens when you revisit a story half-finished years ago! ”

That was it! That was enough. Carl was through. He drew his fist back and begun to drive that fist of his forward full throttle to the face of the mirror. It was then that the mirror noticed the fist. He instantly became sacred. His fate was sealed. He knew it. He suddenly remember what he was taught at magic mirror training school. Magic mirrors should just cut right to the point and answer the owner’s questions and not dawdle on and on and on about useless information that nobody cares about. It was his first and last mistake. I guess that is what happens when you don’t take your lessons seriously. And, before Carl’s fist met his face, the mirror made one last effort to save his skin. “He’s in Tripod!” But, it was too little too late. The mirror, like his predecessor, was shattered into a million shards that landed on the floor.

Carl the Darker Lord walked over to the intercom located by his door. “NAVIGATION!”

“Yes, sir!” came a voice over the intercom.

“LOCATE AND GO TO A PLACE CALLED TRIPOD!”

“Yes, sir!” chirped the voice.

“I WAIT FOR NO LOCATION!” With that, Carl the Darker Lord began stomping on the shards that were once a magic mirror bought at Walgreens which has everything into a fine, shiny powder.

“Did you know,” said the shiny powder, “the author has changed the title of this story like a gazillion times?”

And, then, silence. Thank God!

Book O' Disease III

Chapter 12

Lyme Disease

“It’s horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell you!” yelped the Mayor of Tripod to the townsfolk gathered in Tripod’s town square. “He completely destroyed the city! Without warning! Without any reason!”

The citizens of Tripod gasped upon hearing the news of the fallen city of Luxemtogospieltendunken and the evil darker lord Carl.

“He’s unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE!!!” again yelped the Mayor of Tripod.

The townsfolk gasped.

“AND, he’s destroyed seventeen shopping malls! Where are people supposed to shop now? Where can they get retail goodness?”

The townsfolk shivered. To deny people retail goodness. POPOSTEROUS!

“AND, A WALGREENS!”

“No!” yelped a small man in the front. “Not a Walgreens!”

“Yes!” cried out the Mayor. “And, A Walgreens!”

“They have everything!” cried a voice in the back.

“Don’t despair on that one, my friends,” said the Mayor. “Walgreens has over 2000 convenient locations across the country. And, some have a 24 hour pharmacy in case of emergency.”

That was the only good news that the Mayor of Tripod had. For, he continued,

“It is rumored that Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here! We’re doomed! Doomed!” With those words the Mayor began to cry. The townsfolk followed suit. There was a lot of weeping. Their doom seemed eminent.

All of a sudden there was a flash of bright white light near the podium where the mayor stood. It was then followed by smoke. It was a bright, fluffy cloudlike smoke. As it began to subside and dissipate, there stood, in front of the town of Tripod, the most beautiful woman ever! She was wearing white flowing robes. They were white flowing robes!!! Flowing! Flowing! And, yes, FLOWING gently in the breeze! To attempt to describe her any further would not do her any justice. I am going to stop right here. Time for you to use your imaginations.

“Fear not, Citizens of Tripod! For I, Roberta the Light Lord, have come to help you in this hour of need!”

Everybody in Tripod gasped in surprise, awe, and giddiness. Was that really the famed Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?

“Are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the mayor.

“Yes, are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the citizens of Tripod in unison.

“I am,” said the sorceress proudly with great beauty and grace of course!

There was much rejoicing.

“Please continue to go about what it was you were doing. I will make sure you are all safe,” said Roberta. “I have very powerful and good magic. I will protect you all from the evil that comes your way!”

The Mayor looked at Roberta for a moment. He suddenly felt reassured. After all, this WAS Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world! He then said, “We were about to organize our anniversary gala.”

“Well then, please, continue. Let me know if I can help in anyway” said Roberta.

“We are honored, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.” The mayor looked at Roberta for a minute basking in her beauty. “It really is a great honor that you have come to help us against Carl the Darker Lord!”

“Oh,” Roberta said aghast. “Who was it you said?”

“Carl the Darker Lord,” answered the people.

Roberta looked almost shocked. “Carl the Darker Lord? The same Darker Lord who destroyed the town of Luxemtogospieltendunken?”

“Yes,” said the crowd in unison.

“And, seventeen shopping malls?” again asked Roberta.

“Yes,” said the crowd in unison again.

“And, a Walgreens?”

“That’s the one,” said the Mayor.

“I’m out of here!” And, just like she appeared, Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world, disappeared.

Chapter 13

The Clap

Bob the Dark Lord started stocking the shelves with the new dog food he had purchased from the man with the three piece suit. He wasn’t as excited about it as he thought he would be, mainly, because he was still obsessed with that man’s bumper sticker with the cryptic message: He with the Most Toys Wins! And, once again, in comes the store, but the Mayor of Tripod.

“Hello, Mr. Dark Lord,” said the Mayor. “How are you today?”

“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Thank you for asking.”

“Of course you are!” said the Mayor. Then, the Mayor just stared at Bob.

“Is there some sort of evil I can help you with?” asked Bob.

The Mayor continued to just stare at Bob with worry and fear.

“Please, it is not necessary for you to stare at me with such worry and fear. I don’t intend on ridding the world of you today,” assured Bob the Dark Lord. “I am also sponsoring one of your events! AN EVENT OF EVIL!”

The Mayor finally spoke. “I have some bad news about the Gala,” said the Mayor.

“It is?” asked Bob.

“I am cancelling it,” said the Mayor.

“Cancelling it?” Bob then looked rather perturbed. “I am sponsoring that evil fishing derby! MY EVIL FISH! AND, I WAS INVITED!”

“Yes, I know, I am sorry.”

“WHY ARE YOU CANCELLING?”

The Mayor was afraid to answer. It was $5,000 in sponsorship money he was about to lose!

“WHY ARE YOU CANCELLING?”

“Because,” gulped the Mayor, “Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here to destroy us!”

Bob the Dark Lord did not flinch. He did not shake. He didn’t do anything except stare.

“We need to evacuate! AND, I am sorry that I have to give… oh this is sooo hard… your sponsorship money back.” He tried to hand over Bob’s $5,000 check.

“Carl the Darker Lord?” asked Bob the Dark Lord not taking the check. “Who is this Carl the Darker Lord?”

“He lives in a flying fortress of darkly doom. He has destroyed some town I dare not pronounce again because my tongue might become tied, seventeen shopping malls, and a Walgreens.”

“Walgreens has everything,” said Bob. “I find that delightfully evil. It limits a consumer’s choice from other retail establishments that only sell some things.”

“CARL THE DARKER LORD, MR. DARK LORD!” screamed the Mayor. “HE’S EVILER!”

“Is he a fisherman as well?” asked Bob.

The mayor just stared at him. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“If he is not going to be a fisherman in my evil event that I am sponsoring, then I shall have to dispose of him,” said Bob frankly. “I need help. If he wishes not to help, then I shall be rid of him. The oceans shall be mine! THEN THE WORLD! I AM EVIL!”

“THE MEGA FLYING FORTRESS OF DARKLY DOOM! HE’LL DESTROY US ALL!” screamed the Mayor in sheer fear and panic. “IT’S UNSTOPPABLE!”

“Not to worry, Mr. Mayor of Tripod,” said Bob. “I will put an end to this Carl the Darker Lord. I am sponsoring an event that must go on! I am evil.”

Bob the Dark Lord got up, left his store, and walked toward his fortress of evil.

The Mayor just stared after him.

Chapter 14

Halitosis

“That guy is bad news!” said Volcano Creature. “He’s a legend among our kind.”

“You have something in your teeth, Volcano Creature,” said Bob the Dark Lord not really listening to Volcano Creature.

Volcano Creature removed an ulna from his mouth. “Hmmmm, must be a villager I ate from the last village I stomped on. Thanks.”

“I am not concerned about this Carl the Darker Lord. I will simply tell him to just go away,” said Bob. “That evil event I am sponsoring must continue. If I am to unleash my evil army of fish so that they can go out and get the other fish under my control, I will need more.”

“I don’t think Carl the Darker Lord is at all interested in your fish army,” said Volcano Creature. “I bet he is more interested in ridding the world of you!”

“And, why is that, Volcano Creature?”

“Dark Lords don’t care much for other Dark Lords. It’s in all the literature!”

Bob the Dark Lord considered Volcano Creatures words carefully. “In the literature you say?” he finally said.

“Yeah! Didn’t you read the last edition of ‘Reader’s Digest’? There was a story about it…I think. Or was that ‘Highlights Magazine’?”

Bob the Dark Lord had not read any magazines. Evil Dark Lords don’t have time.

Bob then said, “Then, I must stop him with harm.”

“Now you’re talking!” said Volcano Creature. “We can stomp him! I am good at stomping!”

“I was thinking in terms of releasing the evil fish I already have and hope that they can do their work. Maybe it is too soon, but I have an evil event that must go on! I am a sponsor! I was invited!”

“I don’t see how those small beta fish you take care of will do that,” asked Volcano Creature. “I was never quite sure how that was supposed to happen.”

“Evil power of mind, my boy, evil power of mind,” said Bob in response.

“Seriously?”

Bob the Dark Lord thought a minute. “I was thinking of dumping my freezers of evil voodooed fish into the water as well. If what you say about Carl’s intentions are true. I will need all the help I can get.”

Volcano Creature looked at Bob the Dark Lord and then at the aquariums of fish in the fortress of evil. Then he thought of the freezers. “You know, Bob the Dark Lord, those fish just won’t have the time to do what you want them to do. Carl is on his way here, now!”

“You don’t think there is time?” asked Bob the Dark Lord.

“No!” screamed Volcano Creature.

Bob the Dark Lord stopped his preparation of the aquariums for departure to the sea, walked to his throne of evil, sat on his evil throne, and began to think…think… think… “I’VE GOT IT!”

“Got what?” asked Volcano Creature.

“The answer!”

“To what?” asked Volcano Creature.

“The answer to making sure my sponsored evil event goes on as scheduled! I AM SO EVIL!”

Bob the Dark Lord arose from his throne. He grabbed his checkbook off his evil dresser, and walked toward his evil door. “Volcano Creature, please dump my fish into the sea!”

“Okay, and what are you going to do?” Volcano Creature said a bit surprised at Bob’s sudden excitement.

“I am going shopping!”

Bob the Dark Lord was out the door.

Book O' Disease IV

Chapter 15

Ring Worm

The nearest Toys’r’us was located in Shiftywinkletonhamfieldburg Park. Bob the Dark Lord walked in on a mission. He wasn’t about to be stopped.

“Can I help you?” asked the clerk at the customer service counter.

“Yes you can!” said Bob.

“And, how may I do so, sir?”

“First,” began Bob the Dark Lord. “I need a map of all your locations.”

“Okay,” said the clerk a little taken a back.

“Second, how much for everything in your store?” Bob the Dark Lord opened his check book.

“Excuse me?” asked the clerk.

“You heard me… I want everything! I need to sponsor an event! I AM EVIL!”

Chapter 16

Meningitis

They mega flying fortress of darkly doom flew and plopped itself over Tripod like a menacing shadow. The citizens of Tripod quivered in fear. Their evacuation plans did not account for the swiftness and efficiency of the arrival of Carl the Darker Lord. They were trapped like rats.

“We’re doomed!” yelped a citizen of Tripod.

“We’re history!” yelped another.

Carl the Darker Lord came forth from a small entrance on the bottom side, wafting forth on a flying raft of darkly doom. He landed near the Mayor’s house. “I WAIT FOR NO INTRODUCTION!” yelled the darker lord as he excited his raft in a very evil fashion. “I AM CARL THE DARKER LORD! WHERE IS THIS BOB THE DARK LORD?”

A voice came from behind him. “I am right here,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am evil. Thanks for asking.”

Carl spun to face Bob. “I HEAR YOU INTEND TO RULE THE WORLD’S OCEANS?”

“It is an evil fact that I cannot deny!” said Bob the Dark Lord in return.

“I WAIT FOR NO EVIL FACTS!” There was a pause from Carl. “YOU WISH TO RULE THE OCEANS IN ORDER TO RULE THE WORLD, I GATHER?”

“That is correct,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “In fact, my army has been released into the sea.”

“I WAIT FOR NO ARMY!” Carl starred at Bob as if trying to size him up.

“The world will be mine momentarily. In fact, I can guarantee it,” said Bob.

“I WAIT FOR NO GUARANTEE!” said Carl. “THIS OCEAN BUSINESS IS FOOLISHNESS!”

“I’ve also been shopping!”

“I WAIT FOR NO SHOPPING!” said Carl.

“I am sponsoring an event!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “An evil event to further my evil ocean endeavors!”

“I WAIT FOR NO EVENTS!” barked Carl. “YOU ARE NOT EVIL!”

“Very evil, thank you very much.”

“I DO NOT WAIT FOR VERY EVIL!” Carl began to place his hands into his pocket. “BOB, THE SO CALLED DARK LORD, I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU! THIS WORLD IS MINE!” And, with those words, Carl the Darker Lord disappeared.

Bob looked confused. Carl was there. Now he wasn’t. “Where did you go?” he asked.

“I WAIT FOR NO…. I PUT THE WRONG RING OF POWER ON, YOU TWIT!”

Carl the Darker Lord materialized in front of Bob the Dark Lord wearing a ring of power with a dark purplish stone attached that he had bought recently at Walgreens. Oh, by the way, there is one less in the country, thanks to Carl. Fear not! It did not have one of those 24 hour emergency pharmacies. He raised his hand, containing the finger, that contained the ring, to Bob’s face. “YOU WILL DIE NOW!” But, just as Carl the Darker Lord was about to unleash the power of the ring of power, in the town came scabs… I mean scabs of delivery trucks from Toys’r’us. Within mere moments, the entire town of Tripod was surrounded with them. Toys’r’us trucks as far as the eyes can see. It was a convoy!

“I WAIT FOR NO CONVOY!” yelled Carl. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?!?!?” He looked at Bob as he continued to point his ring.

“I win!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I am evil.”

“I WAIT FOR NO WIN!” said Carl the Darker Lord in response. “YOU WIN WHAT?”

“I have the most toys, as you can plainly see.”

There were scabs… I mean scabs of Toy’r’us trucks all around which contained toys. It was a convoy!

“I WAIT FOR NO TOYS!”

“I have the most!”

“I WAIT FOR NO MOST! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

Bob the Dark Lord said matter-of-factly, “HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS!

Carl the Darker Lord put down his hand. He began to glare.

“I see you have no toys. I win. I am evil.”

“I WAIT FOR…. HE WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS?” Carl the Dark Lord became perplexed. “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?” he growled. “THAT MAKES NO SENSE!”

“I got it from a reliable source,” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“I WAIT FOR NO SOURCE!”

“He sold me dog food,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “Mad science based dog food.”

“I WAIT FOR NO DOG FOOD!” said Carl. “DOG FOOD?”

“Anybody as evil as anybody who sells dog food that can make dogs live longer so that they become a further financial burden on a family must be a very evil, and reliable source!” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I AM EVIL!”

Carl the Darker Lord began to fume so much, he began to hyperventilate.

“I win,” said Bob. “I have the most toys. Count them if you wish!”

“I WAIT FOR NO COUNT!” Carl slipped the ring of power off his finger. “I WILL NOT WASTE THIS RING OF POWER BOUGHT AT WALGREENS ON THE LIKES OF SOMEBODY AS STUPID AS YOU!” Carl began to walk toward his raft of darkly doom. “TRIPOD, AND ESPECIALLY YOU, BOB, PREPARE TO DIE!”

“But, I win,” said Bob the Dark Lord pleadingly. “I have the most toys! I am sponsoring an event!”

Bob’s words fell on deaf, but very angry and disgusted ears.

Chapter 17

Whooping Cough

Carl the Darker Lord returned to his flying fortress of darkly doom and walked angrily toward his bridge. “I CANNOT BELIEVE I EVEN WORRIED ABOUT THAT…. THAT…. COMPLETE WASTE OF LIFE!”

Carl entered the bridge only to see that everybody that was supposed to be there had been stomped on. And, in the captain’s chair, Carl’s captain’s chair, sat a volcano creature.

“Hello, Carl the Darker Lord!” said Volcano Creature.

“I WAIT FOR NO HELLO,” said Carl. “WHO ARE YOU?”

“I… doesn’t matter.”

“I WAIT FOR NO MATTER!”

“Listen, Carl,” said Volcano Creature. “Bob the Dark Lord might not be as evil as you. He has some stupid schemes. Hell, he isn’t even smart. But, his heart isn’t in the right place.”

“I WAIT FOR NO HEART!” sneered Carl the Darker Lord.

“BUT, you gotta love the guy for trying and you gotta love the guy,” said Volcano Creature.

“I WAIT FOR NO GOTTA,” said Carl.

“Would you shut up,” said Volcano Creature. “Geesh! I don’t care what you won’t wait for!”

Carl the Darker Lord stood silent.

“It will be a cold day in hell before I let you or any other like you do harm to that man!” barked Volcano Creature. Before Carl could utter another word, he was stomped on…very…very…very stomped on.

Chapter 18

Polio

The citizens of Tripod cheered mightily as the mega flying fortress of darkly doom crashed into the mountains beyond.

“Bob the Dark Lord,” said the Mayor of Tripod as he emerged after cowering under his bed, “our town is indebted to you!”

Bob chirped. “I am evil. I have the most toys. I win.”

“Of course you do,” said the Mayor. “You will forever be known as the man that stopped Carl the Darker Lord!”

The townspeople cheered.

“AND,” said the Mayor of Tripod, “the most favored citizen of Tripod!”

The townspeople clapped.

“The gala will go on, right?” asked Bob.

“Well, yes, of course!” said the Mayor.

“I was invited,” said Bob.

“You were!”

“AND, I am sponsoring an event!” said Bob.

“You are!” said the Mayor.

“I am evil!” said Bob the Dark Lord.

“Of course you are!” said the Mayor. “The evilest!”

Epilogue

Denny’s

The Anniversary Gala of Tripod went on to rousing success. That is, except for one event – the fishing derby sponsored by Bob the Dark Lord, most favored citizen of Tripod. Strangely, the only things the fishermen were able to catch were dead fish wrapped in newspaper. Nobody could understand why.

Oh, the toys? Yes, of course, the toys. Bob the Dark Lord, owner of pet stores across the country bought in order to control all the fish, eventually bought Toy’r’us to control all the toys. He eventually reopened the locations under a new name: Bob’s Toy’r’HIS!. “He with the most toys wins!” he told the crowd on the opening day of his new business. “I am evil!” he also said, but nobody really was listening after that. Some of those stores even have 24 hour pharmacies in case of emergencies. Quite the entrepreneur Bob the Dark Lord became… quite the entrepreneur…..and, he sponsored many more events…..

…..A small, blue beta fish swam up to a shark that happened to be swimming nearby in a very blue part of the ocean near some exotic location. “You will obey the master!” said the small, blue beta fish in fish.

“And you are?” asked the shark who also talked in fish.

“I am Ike. You will obey the master,” said the fish named Ike again.

“Why should I do that?” asked the shark. “I’d rather eat you!”

“You will obey the master,” said Ike. “You will obey Bob the Dark Lord!”

“Aren’t you one of those beta fish?” asked the shark starting to be completely mesmerized by Ike’s words. “Don’t you live in fresh water?”

“Evil power of mind, my boy” said Ike. “Evil power of mind!”

“Evil power of mind?” asked the shark.

“Can’t you feel the power of the voodoo emanating form dead fish wrapped in newspaper?” asked Ike.

“Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit strange,” said the shark.

“Then, embrace it! AND, listen to the master! Serve Bob the Dark Lord!”

“I will serve the Bob the Dark Lord,” said the Shark. “I will serve Bob the Dark Lord!”

“Now, go tell your friends!” said Ike, “About the evil power of mind and Bob the Dark Lord!”

“It is my pleasure,” said the shark. He swam away to go tell his friends.

Ike, the small, blue beta fish, if a fish could smile, did just that.

THE END

2008

Author’s Note: Bob the Dark Lord was not originally my idea. He in fact morphed from my nephew’s idea about a dark lord named Soran. Ask him about it someday. I am sure he will not be thrilled at telling you what a louse his uncle was for supposedly making fun of a young child’s dream in making it rich by writing a series of stories greater then “Harry Potter.”

I hope you had fun reading it as I did writing it.

As for the future of Bob? I will let time and life dictate that decision. Prost!

Let's Wisconsin!!!

It’s not very late… It doesn’t even look late. Late enough as it is, but not very late. Soon the longest day of the year will be here… Summer Solstice… And, then I can start my pagan rituals.

I have nothing particular to write about. In fact, I wasted everything I had on that little whacked out story about Oyster Boy and Cauliflower. I was actually pretty delighted to write it whether or not one found it as amusing as I did. My sense of humor is quite, I think, indefinable. I don’t know where it comes from nor do I really care. I just know it is heavily influenced by all sorts of sources. To crank out that little tid-bit in that little while that I did, well, I was happy. On the fly writing… I sat down. I did it. It’s been awhile since I did anything in a story form like that, especially on the fly. Back in the day, I could do that instantly… it started with a gem called, “The Little Engine that Couldn’t Because Damnit, It Just Wasn’t Good Enough.” Sadly, the title was the actual joke, and I am sure, based on the title, you know how the story ended. The Little Engine exploded destroying all the Christmas toys….Yeah, it was a happy Christmas story. Very happy. (Laugh out loud!). But, most of my stories were like that. I just needed some idea that I found particularly amusing, and then the rest just came out. I don’t think many of my stories were any good, which is why many haven’t seen the light of day. I do or did have a binder full of the good ones. Other than that, many of the stories I had written remained bits and pieces in some form of electronic medium. Mostly in Lotus WordPro….my father worked for IBM. That’s what they used. I got it free. Word, back in the day, wasn’t as complex as WordPro. At least, at the time, I was using the best. WordPro, I believe, is no more. Therefore, all those stories, are gone. Simply gone. Most of them were also, well, cynical in nature. I think that’s because my creativity, unfortunately, comes from that part of my personality. I can’t do serious. I can never do serious… And, the serious stuff I write, well, it’s first person, about me, and I sound like a whiner. I do the best I can to avoid that …. We all have our problems. My problems are nothing new, nor are they extraordinarily interesting. People can easily dismiss my problems with the old axiom: “That’s Life!” And, indeed it is… indeed it is (Just as an FYI, I am an award winning author… not published, but award winning. I submitted one of my stories to a contest, and took first prize… $100!).

So, because I have nothing really pertinent, nor actually humorous to write… I decided, in this lateness, not quite Summer Solstice evening, to play my little game…. RANDOM THOGHTS!!!! (Random Thoughts is my stream-of-consciousness game where I write down anywhere from 10-20 thoughts that just come to me as I try to write… Ready?).

1. Don’t bother using a map to troll around Wisconsin. My architect friend, who often does work up here in the North North, told me that the highway folks have a tendency to rename streets just like that, and neglect to tell anybody. He has had experience dealing with this nonsense, and knows the state better then I simply by getting lost do to some fraudulent map. I don’t dispute this, as those same tricky road folks have done the same with the street that lies across from my drive. Two years ago it was called “Klima”… a Czech name (GO CZECHS!!!). Now, it is a not so Czech named spelled “Klema.” Why it was changed, I don’t know… other than, the “I” was needed to rename a county road somewhere… and there are possibly an over abundance of “E’s” just sitting around waiting to be used.

2. What the heck is that squirrel doing? What is with all that racket? It’s late! Just as an FYI, the squirrels here don’t have bushy tails. Again, I can’t explain it. Perhaps it has something to do with food or lack thereof. I think, though, they just don’t want to be like those Illinois squirrels. Wisconsin just wants to be different.

3. Can anybody explain to me why somebody put, in a frame mind you, a map of Wisconsin that lists the number of tornados by county between the years 1884-1998? You know this is going to change… The road folk change the Wisconsin map all the time and never bother to tell anybody! And, quite frankly, I have no idea how to use this information. I guess I now know how much it must’ve sucked in each county between those years. Ridiculous if you ask me… Don’t we have other form of “art” we could put there? A cow picture perhaps? Maybe a picture of somebody not catching a fish?

4. I haven’t fished since I was a youngster. I never understood it. I found myself bored. I understand why Steven Wright said, “There’s a fine line between fishing, and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.”

5. What the fuck is up with the squirrels around here!?!?!?

6. I like to use swear words in my writing. I don’t know why. I don’t think I swear that much speaking, but in writing, I have to throw one in or two or three or four or five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…. I guess I just get a kick out of seeing them in print, and they came from my hands to the keyboard to boot! I think swearing, however, is a wonderful form of speech communication. Oh, there was a car horn. I will have to assume it’s a deer warning. Must be a deer nearby. Oh dear!

7. I guess, you can tell from my ramblings, that I am fucking bored to tears, at present. There is only so much reading one can do…. I needed to stop. It numbed me.

8. I will not chop anymore wood… I will not chop anymore wood… I will not chop anymore wood. I will, however, spend the remaining couple of days doing NOTHING! I need to head to Chicago for Relay For Life.

9. Shouldn’t there be something eating those damn squirrels? Jesus!

10. “It’s Dark” … A Poem by Me.

It’s Dark.

It’s not light.

There are squirrels running around in delight.

The moon will be up high.

Up in the sky.

No stars I shall see…

The moonlight is to bright, really!

The woods will be ablaze…

With sounds that would amaze.

Not during the day…

No animals I see, I should say.

But, they come to play now…

As the darkness blankets around.

It’s Dark.

11. Okay, THAT noise wasn’t a squirrel.

12. I once had this button that read… “Wisconsin: Land of over 10,000 Lakes, Rivers, Streams. 1234334343 Mosquitoes. 2343234343 Flys. 9 Fish.”

13. I haven’t had a good random thought in like… 5 minutes. Hang on.

14. I think it’s time to put an end to “Random Thoughts” as they aren’t coming on anymore. I could mention another squirrel reference I suppose, but won’t. Only so much could be said about squirrels. They, in fact, are not so interesting. They are very annoying, especially when I wish to write random thoughts. But, they have rather calmed down. I guess they fear the owl, who hasn’t made his/her presence known yet. Soon, I think. Soon.

15. Have I mentioned that mice are fucking bastards???

Prost!!!