I Fought the Fridge and the Fridge Won...

I actually had plans this Friday evening, but cancelled due to conflicts. Actually, this is cool. I really didn't feel like going out considering I had been out last night until the wee hours of the morn. Two nights in a row of activity of that magnitude wears me out, considering I will be out all day tomorrow as well. That, AND, I think I needed an evening with me, a killer cat, a not so killer cat, and an old cat along with nothing but the sounds of silence... No "Joe! JJJJJOOOOOOOEEEEE!" to contend with. I decided to also clean the fridge. Man! I have no idea what half that stuff was in there. Something grabbed my left arm, twisted me over, threw me against the crisper and started to pound me with what looked like a bottle of ketchup. I quickly grabbed what used to be celery...I think. I then threw it at the offending thing as hard as I could. My weapon of choice just sorta....ummm... It didn't do anything except wilt on contact. Before I knew it, I think some sort of leftover pasta dish made a mad dash for the door. I couldn't do anything, because I was pinned against the crisper. I cried out for the strength to break free..... I cried out again.... Third cry is the charm.... But, it was the eighth cry that brought on the strength and I easily defeated the creature with a big brick of cheese that happened to be handy. I don't know where that cheese came from. It might have crawled to me upon hearing my cries of desperation. In that fridge? Anything is possible. Quickly, I jumped up, slipped on some water I had spilled, impaled my foot on a kitchen chair, stabbed myself with the knife I grabbed, and then ran after the pasta. You just can't allow pasta to just run free. It's... It's wrong! ...I am frustrated to report that I am still looking for it. It escaped down an air vent before I could stab it with petrified jello (The knife? I don't want to talk about that). Now, I hear growling through the vents at the moment....ummm... Mother! *Gulp*

After several such battles with other fridge creatures, I finally subduded the beasts to a garbage bag. I closed the garbage bag. I jumped on the garbage bag. Finally, after what seemed like days, the bag stopped moving.

I quickly armed myself with a sponge, hot water with soap, a dry rag, and began the process of liberating the fridge. It took me a good hour. I like to be thorough. I also had to contend with new and interesting civilizations. Extermination is a hard job. It really is. So, yeah, I spent the evening with the fridge and will soon continue with a good book. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Be safe! Take care! Viva la... something.

Is this the direction?

Today, I received an interesting phone call. I went to a job fair last Saturday. It was absolutely brutal! To avoid major details, let's just say I heard: "The job you want has at least 200+ applicatants. I am not trying to discourage you, but ... went it comes down to it. You all look alike... You may want to....." .... That was after standing anywhere between 2-3 hours in line. Yeah, that pretty much summarizes the expierence. My last small interview brought me to a school system that would take me out of state.... This Human resources person basically said the same thing, BUT something must have sparked an interest on the resume. The HR person talked to me about a different opportunity. AND, he gave me this story. "In the Navy, I was told to come to Great Lakes and do this assignment. I didn't want to, but I was under orders. Turned out, I loved it. I loved every minute of it! It was the greatest expierence in my life. Sometimes, it's those other opportunities that will bring us much more joy." And, he went into my credentials and strongly told me to consider their program. "You'd be doing what you want to do, but........ And, We are looking for people coming out of the business world." I told him I would consider it... But, I was vague. This would mean some new changes. I guess the person decided I really should consider it. He submitted my resume to the program without my say so. The phone call led to an appointment next week to look into this different career direction. It will mean more time in school, but I think it also comes with a paycheck and many different doors. And, it might be the greatest expierence in my life. So, I journey next Thursday to discuss it..... I have been questioning my beliefs lately and some of my recent decisions. AND, the powers that be have put me in the path of a lot of shit. I've been saying to myself, "What the fuck?!?! All of this and this is where it has led me? This is my payback for making what I thought were the right decisions? This is what I get for dedicating my life to a greater purpose? 3 hour lines and rejection after rejection in both my personal and professional life? I gave up a higher salary and a chance for bigger business opportunities! I gave up essentially 4 years of my life to do this and gave it all I had for what????" I have been sitting in the darkness listening to Jazz asking the Almighty for guidance... There is something to talking to the Almighty while listening to Coltrane.. I don't get the connection myself, but it is there. So, anyway, I thought this is where all the signs led! Did I miss read things? I guess, I just wanted something to lift my spirits...As I said, it has been nothing but defeat after defeat after defeat and loss and more loss. So, I get this surprise phone call. I wonder, this "way out there" phone call? Is this it? Is this what the powers that be want me to do? Is this what I have been working to do? There are just some odd coincidences that make me wonder... I don't have the position yet, but.... Heh. It came at a rather timely time. Anyway, enough of that... I am going to go clean a fridge. I promised I would.

Joe's Law #1...

To be considered an Irish Pub, it must serve Guinness. To be considered and Irish Sports Bar and Pub, it must serve Guinness... To be a high class Irish Pub, it must not only serve Guinness, but some sort of related Guinness dish... To be a bar I would consider? It just must serve beer. ... I was at an Irish Pub this evening... I am starting to feel that Guinness hangover. I love the stuff, but too much does bad things with my head... I was on the South Side drinking with a friend surrounded by decent, working class folks. I like the working class folks. They have a tendency to say it like it is. I respect that. I try to say it like it is, but often used inflated language and big words I don't even know... Heh. Well, kids, I am off to bed. I have to be up early to do stuff before I bed down for another night. If I don't check back sometime later today with yet another not so wild, not near whacky bit of crap I call writing, then have a good day. Oh, did I mention my toddler niece is a nag? "JOE!!! JJJJJOOOOOOEEEEEE!!!!" she says to me. I hear it even when she's not here. And, ... Well, she and I have a special bond. I am not only her Uncle Joe, but I'm a Jungle Gym! I don't think a day goes by without her climbing up Mount Uncle to either jump on me (one of my newest expressions is "ooofff"), pull my nose (she's pulled it so hard sometimes, she drew blood), press my nose (I play like I turn off. To wake me, she must say, "Joe"... Sometimes she does it loudly. Sometimes she does it softly. Sometimes she just leaves leaving me off. I wonder what that means?), take my hat off and put it either on her head or the floor (I have a thing for ball caps. Been wearing them since the last known Ice Age. I have a feeling I've been wearing them since the last unknown Ice Age. I don't know when that was though), or sing songs. She and I sing songs. She doesn't like it when I sing songs that she knows, like her favorite -- THE ABCs. She'll scream. But, she does like hearing songs that she doesn't... My proudest accomplishment? I got her to do the Fighting Illini Mating Call... "I-L-L" she'll call. I must say, "I-N-I"... We do that for a few seconds. I also got her to say "Michigan Sucks!!" My sister wasn't to happy with that one. Every once in awhile, "Sucks!" comes out of her mouth... Oh, she also knows how to say, "COOOL!" She came into my room and saw my Illini light illumniated in all its glory... "COOOLLL!" she said as she pointed. That kid, she knows how to get bigger Christmas presents, I tell ya. Smart kid... She is going to go places.... I didn't realize, but I kinda miss her this week. I have nobody to watch the Doodlebops with... *Sniff*... Yeah, I know, there's the killer cat. But, she isn't any fun. C-ya! Oh, yeah, one last thing. I did try to teach the kid how to give me $10... "Give Uncle Joe ten dollars, Em." ... She wants nothing to do with that... Figures.

Earbuds...

The invention of the earbud headphones was actually a good idea. Old headphones were at times bulky and intrusive. BUT, that bastard who ever he or she was who invented earbuds? They didn't invent them for my ears! My right ear keeps rejecting the earbud. I walk maybe 2 feet, and it pops right out of my ear. I sit...POP! I think...POP! I don't even think about wearing it...POP! Heh. Little bastards! How do people get those things to say put? I see people out and about, no problems....They look quite comfortable and problem free with their earbud headphones. Am I to assume I have freakish ears? I must. Great! Add one more thing to the list. And that is not the first type of thing my body has rejected. I can't wear nice clothing either. Four minutes after I put on the tie, my shirt comes undone. Or, I dribble coffee on the shirt. Or, I just walk and lint magically attracts to my jacket. I can't win. I can't win at all. I can't look nice nor can I wear inventive technology. Are the powers that be trying to tell me something?

My car needs brakes.

Yup!

Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd)

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

Oh, the places we'll go!

I spent the evening last night working on my CD project. I think I mentioned this in an earlier posting... I don't remember. My mind isn't really functioning. This project? I didn't realize it would take forever and a day... Well, okay, I did, but...I guess I am getting bored. Sadly, I haven't even hit the jazz collection yet, nor my blues CDs. Hell, I haven't even gotten to my favs. You would think those would be the first. No, I decided to start with the bottom barrel of the collection... You know, that stuff you have but forgot you had because you moved on to more recent shit? ..It's the dust CDs from a bygone era of your life. "Hey! It's my New Christy Minstrel CDs! Wow! I remember my Minsterl period! Oh, hey! Seaseme Street LIVE!!!" Thankfully, I have none of those. But, for some strange reason I have a Neil Sedeca CD...................................... So, yeah what was I thinking when I bought some of this shit? And the Sedeca record? Was I ..... Did somebody put something in my drink? Dear lord!

I found a copy of the broadway musical Rent. I HATED HATED HATED that musical. The South Park guys did a great job summarizing it in their overlooked film Team America: World Police. I have the extended version, as you can never see to many puppets. They aren't just puppets policing the world. Nope! They are puppets that swear and blow-up Korean leaders. Damn good stuff. Hang on, I have to go get coffee. Ohh, that's a tad strong... Anyway, so, as I was sitting here, being staulked by a cat that I swear wants me dead, I started loading things on the iPod. I am partially ready to join the rest of the "cool" people and join them in complete musicalness. The places I will go with my iPod. I will go to the couch over there. I will go upstairs to that couch up there. Maybe I will go out to my car. I will go around my car and get the newspaper if there is one. I might get in my car. I might drive my car to the store or not to the store... I might take my iPod near a tree. I might throw the iPod at a tree. I won't throw my iPod at a tree. That would be dumb. I might walk around the block with it. I might run around the block with it. Who am I kidding? I will slowly mozy around the block with it. I might take it over hill...over dill...over hill and dill and then maybe pay a bill. Ummm... I might go North. I might go South. I might go east and west of the driveway. And for shits and giggles, I might just take the iPod to the University I attend to look really cool... I think the ultimate in complete coolness these days is to listen to the iPod while talking on the cellphone wearing black, leather jackets. No, how fucking cool is that? People are so fucking stupid sometimes. Man...

Yup, I have an iPod that has some shit on there back from the days of yesterday when I liked that shit. Those were the days. Those were the shit days. Those were the days when I thought Phil Collins was the end all to end all music. I couldn't be more wrong. I don't have him on CD at all. He's on cassette. To think there were days when we didn't have iPods, cassettes, or cell phones... How on Earth did we look cool then?

I know what you're saying, "Joe, you have no cool in you at all." I know. I know. I don't want to be cool. You can't look cool with the amount of damn orange Illini shirts I bought... What the hell was I thinking? Orange? Did I need that much orange?

So, yeah, my adventures of musicalness will begin whether I finish the CD project and wear orange or not!

I'm Cool Now...

Today I have become an iPod owner. It's black. It has a name. It's called "Joe's iPod." I just set it up. It's charging through the USB port of my computer. I know what you're asking, "Joe, why in the world did you do that? Those things are expensive. Last time I heard you're broke." Yup. I am. And, now I am broker. I needed to find a way to get some stuff out of my room. I figured the CD collection could easily go into storage. I figured if I could put most of my CDs on my new super harddrive, I could get an MP3 player to, well, you know, carry around my music. This has been a good opportunity to see what kind of shit I have in the collection..... I don't want to talk about that. Let's just say, what I did for women... Heh. Anyway, "Joe's iPod" is charging now (I should've called it "Hector" for reason other then I can). I have to let it charge 4 hours before using it. It has 100 songs on it at the moment. It's stuff I bought from i-Tunes. I also bought a hard case for it. I am hell on this electrical stuff... BUT, I think I mentioned that in an earlier blog... I have special powers. Wow... It's shiny. I'm pathetic.

This whole CD import project is a pain in the ass!

I'm all alone ....

here. It's quiet. Everything is still. I think one of the cats is trying to kill me. I am serious. This little puss, for the most part, ignores me. Unless she's hungry, then she goes to great lengths to grab my attention. Every where I go, there she is! Hell, she greeted me at the front door whenI walked in last night and this morning! Furthermore, This morning? She rolled on her stomach so I could pet it. She hates when you touch her stomach. I think she's trying to loll me into a false sense of security. She's over there purring on the couch. What the hell could she be up to? Shhh! Don't wake her! PLEASE! I don't want to die!!!!

It's Tuesday...

My printer has malfunctioned. I can see the icon on my desk bar blinking at me... "HEY IDIOT!" it is screaming. "MECHANISM JAM!!!.... MECHANISM JAM, DUMBASS!!!" ... I have ignored it for two days. "FIX ME OR ... OR SO HELP ME I WILL...UMMMMM...BLINK A LOT!" And, it has. I like honesty in computer peripherals. I like honesty period. I wish more people would be honest with me. But, humans like game playing. I think it is something that is pre-conditioned and begins to appear even in babies. I have had the luxury of watching my baby niece grow-up. She'll be two soon, which is hard to believe. AND, she is the biggest nag. "JOE!" she'll scream. "JJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I have to reply, "What!?" Because that's the game we play. Then she'll say, "Goo baggle geesh yuma cookies." That's when she's eating a cookie. For the most part there usually isn't a word I recognize. She does point a lot. My roll, as she talks, is to make comments. "Yes, Emmie, I do feel that Watergate was blown way out of proportion, but you must understand the time period and the overall circumstances." Then she'll gibber some more. "I know, Emmie. Time travel is possible in a future direction if we can travel close to the speed of light. Very impressive." ... This goes on for a couple minutes until I have to go do something. It begins again. "JOE!!! JJJJJJJOOOOOEEEEEE!!!" I have to say, "What!?!" and she begins again. This is a process mind you. I have to play for at least 5 minutes. I guess she likes it when I talk to her. And, she likes talking back. I have come to rue the day where she learned my name. We, as a large group, went to the Berghoff Restaurant before it closed. Like usual, I was the last to arrive (worked to my advantage. I didn't have to wait out in the cold weather like the rest of the group). As I approached, I heard: "JOE!" And, there, bundled up in some huge ass kid jacket, was my niece screaming to everybody in line that I was coming. That made my day. So, I played with her. We walked up and down the street. Since that moment, she really doesn't stop using my name.... I hear it...at night...."JOE!!! Blah goo gaa dwsis sis cup." My sister told me the other day she awoke screaming my name. I guess she wanted to chat. She probably had some great insight she wanted to share. She's loaded with them. Anyway, the point is, it's a game. Everything I do with her becomes a game. "Em, don't touch that." She'll look at you. She'll give a sinister grin as she sneaks closer to the object in question. "Em... Don't...." And, she place one solitary finger on the object and then stare at you... Games... So, yeah, it begins early in life. It doesn't change much over time. The games get more complex. People play ruthlessly. And, some games just become down right nasty. I try not to play them, but I am easily suckered into playing. Maybe it is that competitive attitude within me that I try to ignore. I want to win, I guess. I have to learn there are some games not worth playing, especially if it means sadness on my part. Because I hate game playing, I focus on honesty. I do the, "This is what I am going to do" and then do it. I also say what I am going to do, so that there are no questions. All I want is that back in return... Simple and open honesty. I can't say I don't lie, but that would be a lie. I do try not to lie. I feel there is no point in that at all.... I really don't know what I am getting at, other then lately I have been trying to understand the human condition. Around here? In the game room? Around me is a whole lotta shit going on, and all I can do is watch and I just see bad things and it irks me. Why? Because the wrong people keep winning all the time. I had this conversation with a friend last night. She was upset because the people who keep shitting on her get all the acclaim. They smell like a bed of roses. Shit don't stick. It's the same way here. I do something wrong and hell hath no fury. What? I can't make a mistake? My mistake is soooo small in comparison, but I am the bad person... This guy over here??? He walked away from his daughter, but it is okay because he is confused. HUH???? WHA???? I have other examples I could share. I don't want to get personal. I am tired of losing because I try to live my life justly, rightly, and honestly.... They say good guys finish last. Well, not true... Most good guys just don't finish. It's hard when one is faced with the most fucked up logic day in and day out. Okay, done with the soapbox... I have laundry to do. Smile, folks! That's what I try to do...I try, mind you.... And, don't ever, never, ever ...ever...EVER let the opposing forces bring you down...ever... Stand your ground. Stand tall. Be proud. You have an ally in me. Oh, and ummm... Babies can have dramatic insight. And, some can show you their eyes, nose, mouth, toes, shoes, and belly. Also, they can tell you who everybody is and tell you what sounds animals make. So, listen to them. LISTEN...

I hate Mondays...

I do. I hate them more then Tuesdays, which if you ask me is a rather boring day of the week. It could be that Monday and Tuesday are the same day but Tuesday is diguised. That's my theory.... I have to go make coffee. The usual coffeemaker is not here this week, so I have to get my lazy ass out and go do it myself... Fuck!!!! Going to be a really fine Monday.... It was a brutal, brutal weekend... I don't want to go into any details, because I don't feel like making anybody's Monday worse with horror stories... Let's just say, I have some thinking to do. AND, I have a cold now, too. A damn cold! Ergggggggg.... I hate Mondays! Did I mention that?

The Map Room -- All Points Lead to Beer.

I went to a German Restaurant last night. I love food smothered in gravy sometimes. I guess it speaks to my Eastern European Backgroundness... Anyway, I ordered this beer that I never heard of and didn't know what it was... I drank a sip. It was a Pilsner. I could tell. I asked, "Pilsner?" I was right. That's what my hobby is doing to me. I can start telling the styles by a mere sip without knowing what they are beforehand.... I don't know if I should be proud or scared that I have started to develop this talent.... My stomach? Not so happy. My mouth? Happy! My wallet? Not so happy. My brain? Happy for a bit until the day after, then not so happy. Anyhoo, I have started that endless quest to try different styles of beers. In the works are several brewery trips that will take me to such exotic locations as Milwaukee, WI and Munster, IN. My own personal beer search has led me to a small bar in Wicker Park that has differnt styles of beer on tap that you can't get in trendy bars because trendy people drink only crap that you have to put fruit in to make it taste good (Blue Moon, Corona) or because it has been mass marketed soooo much, most consumers believe it to be good (Any Budwieser or Miller product and again the barnyard taste of Corona). I can think of only one trendy beer that is mass marketed that is actually good.. That being Guinness. I have a special place in my heart for Guinness... Why? It is my gateway beer. When I was one of those stupid college kids that drank cheap shit thinking I was cool, I found Guinness one day... Or maybe it found me, I don't know. I had my first Guinness at bar called Bubs. Suddenly a new world of beer was opened to me! (I remember studying the Guinness on the table. I had never seen anything so dark before. I do recall somebody saying, "I can't see through it! It's trapping the light!" The thing about Guinness, it is actually lighter then most beers and damn tasty to boot!) No longer was I a mixed drink drinker... No longer did I consider joining the upper crust and their fancy wine affixatiation (I do like wine, but well... I have it now and then). The choice was clear! I became that beer man morphing into the beer snob I am today... Anyway, last night I ventured to this Map Room not knowing what kind of beer bar this would be... I have been to some others. One was called the Bodega in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. They specialize in bottled beer. Sadly, being near a college campus they have to also cater to the less sophisticates. Sadly, the tap selection reflects this. Another is in Champaign, IL. It's called the Blind Pig (if all goes according to plan, that's where I shall be next Saturday night...). They have a good bottle selection, and a good tap selection. The Map Room is similar, BUT they have stuff the Blind Pig can't get because they are in Wicker Park and therefore nearer the beer distributors making it easier to get good choice beers. It was small - good. It was dark - good. It has 20 or so hard to get beers on tap - wonderful!!! So, my friend Paul and I headed to the Map Room and drank some lovely pints of stout and bock beer. Yummmm!!!! It was perfect, though I think I have to get there earlier in order to belly up to the bar to talk with the bartendars. These beer type bartenders usually have some good insight into the stuff they hawk. I had a Bell's Rye Stout. Strong start, lousy finish. I had Blackout Stout from Great Lakes (one brewery no the radar for a visit) which was high in ABV and high flavor -- perhaps the best I had that night... Umm, my coaster with notes is still in my jacket... Anyway, this entry is not all that interesting, sorry. But, I just wanted to plug a great beer bar because I like beer. I also can't think of anything exciting to write... I had a tremdously lousy day yesterday that started in the wee hours of the morning, took me to Milwaukee, and from there... Well, let's just say I have to start looking at some different career options... I... It... I heard comments like this, "We have a limited amount of positions, and I have to tell you, on paper you look just like everybody else..." FUCK! Anyway, maybe my recent calling? I should've considered to be a wrong number. ... Sigh.

The Legend of SliderJack....Or, Joe's Special Power!

Sit right down there near the fire so you can stay warm. Let me stoke it for a second and then add another log. This might take awhile.... Okay now... Whoops, I need a beer. I can't tell you any story, especially the one about SliderJack without a beer. The story is THAT amazing and really hard to believe. I can't believe it myself and I am SliderJack... When I was living back in a cramped small townhouse on the other side of town with my sister and her kids (I slept on a cot in my niece's bedroom for like ever! Yes, I am humbled), there was a time there that I wished I was somebody else. I think we all wish we were somebody else at one time. At least, I hope, because if not, then I must actually be crazy. I have my suspcisions. Sure, I have only one voice in my head, but that bastard is driving me absolutely batty! Nag! Nag! Nag! "Joe, do this! Joe don't do that! Joe, beer good!" Okay, that last one, I agree with. Sometimes the voice in the head has some great insight. I was sitting at the computer doing a bit of research on SLI or Street Lamp Interference. That's when SLIderJack2@aol.com was born. At least for 1 hour I was he and he was me. "SLI" because I am a SLIder. "Jack" because that names sounds adventurous. "2" because I have an aversion to the numer one. After all, One is the lonliest number. So, there I was, another person besides my other alter ego that has become famous at Amazon.com. Amazon loves me! THEY LOVE ME! So does Binny's Beverage Depot. Have I mentioned that? I didn't create a story for SLIderJack2.... Or that screen name. But, at least for that one hour I was an adventrous sort with a strange power... The power to prematurely expire halogen bulbs.....

When I was in college, I received a phone call. "Hi, this is the psychic network" said an electronic voice. "Somebody from this number called our hotline. If you act now, you can get another free 1o minute reading by calling this number..... 1-800-wewantallyourmoney." I remembered that my roommate, in a drunken stupor, did call those people one time. She told me about it. I was alone. I was bored. It was free. I called! What the hell, right? I talked to this "psychic" who told me she was using a Native American version of the Tarot... And, during this conversation, she told me that I was psychic. "What?" I asked. "Psychic?" "Yes," she said. "You should do some research and find out about your special power. That's my advice to you. Research and explore so you can develop your sense." I didn't know how to take this advice. I figured she was a loon and I was being taken, but still! A psychic telling me I have psychic powers? She couldn't tell me what it was. I had to do research. But, ladies and gentlemen, she was right. I am psychic....

They call it SLI - Street Lamp Interference. For some strange reason, there are people out there, such as myself, that muck up electrical fields, burn out electrical things, and cause electrical problems. The most common exercise or example of the sheer power of this gift is standing near a Halogen Street Lamp forcing it to just shut off until you leave. Mind you, they are designed to turn off every so often, but when you notice that every time you stand under one, and it goes off? YEAH BABY! You’ve got a useless power! At one point in my life (when I was about midway through undergraduate school), it was like 100% of the time. I never thought much about this gift. I noticed that street lights would turn off when I walked under them. And, friends would notice and they'd make fun of me. It never occurred to me that this was my psychic curse that the crazy psychic lady told me to develop! I was once visiting a friend at Iowa State. On the walk back to his home, we were on a bridge with street lamps every 20 feet. As I passed, sure enough, one would go off... It would turn on as I approached and passed underneath the next one. I shit you not. There was a domino affect all the way down the bridge. I didn’t have a name for my power, other then, “That’s just fucking weird, Dude!”

It became a costly gift. Remember those Touchier halogen standing lamps that were the rage back in the mid-90s, especially in college dorm and apartment rooms everywhere? Everybody had to have these fire-starters (because they got so damn hot and not exactly the sturdiest of lamps, and often fell causing carpets to burn thus forcing the rest of the apartment or dorm to follow suit or many people thought it cool to place them near curtains with the same sort of fiery result! Good times! Fucking cool ass lamps! Now, you can’t get the halogen variety. I wonder why?). Well, Halogen lamps were supposed to be cost effective. They were not only brighter then your standard 60 Watt, but were supposed to last something like a Gazillion times longer. That is, unless of course, you are me. I look at it now in a positive way. I had no fears of any apartment fires because the lamp never lasted 5 minutes. But, it sucked ass because that lamp became expensive. And, yes, I had to have one. It was black with a sliver like sheen. I had it by my desk, over my IBM Aptiva Super Computer… 500mb of pure storage baby! AND, for five wonderful minutes, my room shone brightly… It was pure Halogen beauty… I remember how excited I was as I set up the lamp. I had to twist the polls together and all that fun. I gently placed it in the corner. I turned it on. I smiled, because I finally had apartment cool. I sat near the computer to work…POOF! The light went out. … “Must’ve been a bad bulb,” I said.

These bulbs for these lamps cost $7.00 for one. Why? Well, they are designed to last longer, be brighter, not to mention could be used to boil water if an oven wasn’t available, and just be very cool. I went around and finally found the bulb replacement. I was told by the clerk to be careful not to touch the bulb. Human oils would heat up and cause the bulb to explode and may cause a fire. We lived dangerously in the 1990s. I was very careful in putting in the bulb. I used a cloth. I did not touch the bulb. Satisfied that I couldn’t have two bad bulbs in a row, I turned on the lamp to bask in halogen coolness while I sat near the computer to do homework (well, check e-mail). POOF! In the dark again! “What the fuck?” I asked myself. “Maybe I just have a bad lamp?” I didn’t think that could be it. I figured maybe the IBM super computer with the P100 fast chip was fucking with it. I put the lamp outside, in the living-room. Put down more money on another bulb ($7.00 is a lot for a college kid. That was basically two pitchers of beer!!) and set-up the lamp again!!! All was cool for a bit. Well, not really. As soon as I sat to watch television… POOF! “I got a shitty lamp,” I figured. I couldn’t return it. I lost the receipt. I put the lamp, unbulbed, in my room where it became yet another device to trap dust. I was pissed. No longer was I really that cool! My roommate had one of those lamps. He decided to put it on in the living-room. Two bulbs later, I realized it had to be me! My special power! I told him that his room was the safer place for the lamp. It would be less costly. Sure enough, he had no more problems. I, on the other hand, had to test my theory… Three apartment parties… three lamps… three poofs…. It was me! I was somehow causing these bulbs to blow! What the hell?

And, so it goes… I could never have apartment cool. I realized I could never own one of those deadly halogen lamps. I could sit near regular bulbs, but I wrecked havoc on halogen bulbs. God hated me. …. That bitch psychic should’ve warned me. She shouldn’t have said, “Joe, you are psychic!” She should have said, “No halogen for you, loser, non-cool apartment guy! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!” Well, I guess that’s what you get for a free ten minute phone conversation and the Native American version of the Tarot.

I have since learned that SLI has nothing to do with energy forces being emitted from the body. There are others that have it worse, where they can’t wear watches, or have VCR or what not. And, scientists believe it is a psychic phenomenon. I also learned that it is times of great stress or emotional trauma that cause more occurrences of this strange gift. College was a weird time for me. Highly stressful and very emotional. Lately, I haven’t had much trouble with my SLI. An occasional street lamp…

The last time I had a flare-up, and I think it was me… I dated this psycho-nut-job. The emotional stress and upheaval that brought on…. WOAH! Needless to say, I believe I killed my car! I did! I got this Eagle Vision from my parents. It was a great car! It was beautiful. While I was dating my psycho-nut-job girlfriend…

Here is the short list of electrical problems:

• $1000 in car electrical sensors.
• Horn wouldn’t stop going off.
• My keyless entry wouldn’t work. Other people’s did. I would come out and not only were all my doors unlocked, but my trunk was open.
• Electric Thermostat fired – never got repaired. It eventually caused an engine fire.
• Stuck on high heat – high fan – defrost
• Fire under dashboard
• Electrical bus burned causing a complete electrical dash meltdown.
• $2000 in repairs.
• Radio fried - $300
• Electrical smells… I had several electrical burnouts on the expressway. Car would die going 70mph… Scary.

There were other things with that car, like money in a shit load of headlights, etc., etc.

In my car now, the electrical relay for the thermostat is blown…This is the second time. And, I have the flickering problem again (car died twice, but not going 70mph). My signals don’t work either. There is a recall on that.

So, I killed my car! I burned it to death with my great gift…

So, there I was, alone in my sister’s townhouse exploring my SLI. At that time, I finally got a name for my gift. I also learned that I am not alone with these issues. And, after my research, I created SliderJack2… I guess, with my new screen name, it was my way of starting to accept that I could never be friends with halogen and that I will always have car troubles… I was starting to embrace the bizzare power of distorting eletrical fields that would eventually lead me to the poor house. I also got to be somebody different. It was for an hour, but still… And, I also learned that no matter if I am a Jack or a Joe, I will always be Joe.. SLIder… Murderer of halogen lamps and car electrical systems….

And, so it goes and so it goes...

Yuppers! I am a freak!

I don't do advice....

I don't like giving people my opinion on their personal affairs. I am not good at it. I just don't have that personal...ummm...sensitive way about me. I am blunt. I don't think people like blunt adivce. I think most like it cushioned with sugar. That isn't me. I feel bad about it. And, I try to skirt the issues when they come my way. And, if people ask for my advice, well... I try to make it vague. Unless of course, something they are doing demands blunt adivce. Then, people don't talk to me anymore. Personally, I like to receive blunt advice. "Joe, you're being a fucking idiot!"... "Joe, what the fuck, dude? That's retarded." OR, my favorite, "Joe, don't be such a stupid, dumbass." I like that blunt stuff. But, I have found that people are not like me. I found that people don't think like each other... Yup. So, what's good for the goose, isn't necessarily good for the gander. AND, I like pizza. I do. A good slice of pizza? YUMMY!... The use of "yummy" here is very funny to me. Why? Because, 32 year-old, cynical men are not supposed to use "yummy" in regular conversation OR blogs. Makes me sound like a ninny. Do people use the word 'ninny' anymore? Oh... I have to call the health insurance people! I have to run... So, that phone call was a waste o' time. Ended up being more paperwork for me. They could've done this all on the phone. Bastards! I had to use a stamp. So, where was I? Oh, bad advice. I didn't say I give bad advice. Maybe I do... Anyhoo, I speicialize in making people laugh. When they are down, I clown around to put some sort of smile on the face. That's what I do. That's the stuff I attempt. Most times I find success in maknig people feel good. I fail too.. I am not perfect. God didn't give me the gifts for advice. I don't know why I decided to write about this today. I did get an e-mail from a friend asking for advice... And, I opened my big mouth earlier this week... So, I guess I decided maybe it was time for a disclaimer: Joe doesn't do advice. He does make rice. He can be nice. But, don't ask for advice. You want a chuckle? He won't buckle! He'll do his best. He won't be a pest. And... ummmmmmm... So, Duke lost in the sweet sixteen... HAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAA!!!! I hate Duke. I HATE THEM! I thought they'd go all the way. They didn't. ... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! I knew Bradley was going to lose too. I knew that. AND, I am also happy to see Gonzaga out of it. That dude with the hair? He annoyed me. Now, he's gone!!!! I don't have a favorite to win. I really don't care anymore. My team got knocked out. Damn Illini... Well, kids... You have a nice yummy day!

"Books, Bill...."

Books... lots of them. ... lots and lots of them.. and I bought more to put on top of the list of books I plan to read. I don't know why I decided to just read and read and read... It started after I read this huge ass book for class last Fall. It was called "Frauen" and it was about Germen Women in Europe during WWII. It was then I had it... "Done!" I said to myself. "I do not wish to read yet another non-ficition book! I want to read fiction!" So, starting Thanksgiving, I started my reading project. I read four books before X-mas. One took me awhile. I decided to spend some time with it. It was harder fiction. It was called "The Corrections." I don't know if I liked it or not. I don't know if it was a good commentary on the basic American family. I just know I had trouble believe people like this existed and if I even liked them. I also decided that if these are the typical lot of folks, then I ... I am ... I am different. And, that might explain A LOT of things. Anyway, I read that one. It won the National Book Award. From there I read the "Da Vinci Code"... I read "The Stupidest Angel"... There was another one in there I read... I guess I liked it so much that I completely forgot what it was. I am sure if I look at my shelf, I will know which one it was. At the moment, I am reading the "Known World"... A pulitizer prize winning book. I read one called... "The Mystery of the Dead Dog at Midnight" or something. It was about an autistic kid. Differnt. Sad. Again, I feel different. Vonnegut is up next, the "On the Road" by Keroac. So, that's my new thing at the moment. I am reading. I guess part of the reason has to do with too much time here on the Interent. Part of it has to do with becoming a better writer. The other part is escapism. I want to be better then I am. I want to read all sorts of things so I can be a bit more rounded. I don't know. I never used to be a reader, but this time it is habit I tend to stick with. I think maybe the reading has affected my humor gland... I have been so serious lately, I forgot how to laugh. Well, pudge! I just finished a "Child Called IT." That book disturbed me... It really, really did.

I liked this...

Binny's... I love you... I hate you.

My sister is headed for a week with her kids to Branson to visit my parents. I will be the only one home... YEEHA!!!! My parents' have a condo there that they are fixing up. According to inside sources, the fixing up isn't going according to plan. My parents are not in a great mood. Anyway, I decided to head to Binny's Beverage Depot to help my sister out. We both figured something was needed to weather the storm. You know, buy her some good beer to help her with the tensions of parents, kids, condos, and shit for music that Branson is known for.... I was supposed to go in to Binny's, grab a few six packs, leave....NOTHING IN MY LIFE EVER GOES ACCORDING TO PLAN! Binny's has one of the best beer selections I have ever seen! They lure me in saying, "sure you can get just a couple of six packs. We have a nice selection of good craft brews!....BUT, have you seen this new, hard to get import of Belgian Ale. We know you kinda like that style? And, once it's gone (we only have a couple left), it's gone!" "Really," I say to that subliminal Binny's voice. "Yes," it says. "And, did you see that special double stout from Bells? It's a seasonal.... And, we only have one 6 left on the self." ... "I see it," I say to that Binny's voice. "It's all alone." "Yes, allllll alone! It would go great with some of that Great Lakes Irish Stout. They would be the best of friends in your new Guinness Beer fridge!" .... "Oh, I see that too!" I say with glee.... "The Guinness beer fridge has been rather empty of different styles lately." .... And so it goes with me in the Binny's store. What was suppose to be a quick, inexpensive quick case of decent beer turned into a LARGE purchase of BEER like always... I Love Binny's! They have such a good selection of stuff I can't find anywhere else. I hate Binny's, because they sucker me in to spending a shitload of money. Fuck you, Binny's, you sweet, sweet beer seller you!!!! FUCK!

I just joined the Chicago Beer Society. Thought you should know....

A Bottle of Whiskey and a Couple Knives....

To say I am unlucky in love is quite an understatment. I can't figure out if it is God's way of telling me that maybe I should consider a life in the priesthood or just to stay away from women. Anyway, I spent the evening with some good friends last Saturday, and perhaps together we figured out how I can be a "chick magnet" as Schecki said. In the news were two very scary stories about humanity. First story dealt with a child porn ring sting that led to the arrest of 27 individuals internationally. Three dudes were arrested in the Chicagoland area, which if you haven't figured out is where I rest my little head. One of those dudes did stuff with his own 18 month old child. The conversation on this kinda went like this. "Let's think about this," I suggested. "This dude had a kid. This fucked-up individual managed to convince somebody to have sex with him! How did he do it?" I asked. "Whiskey," Paul said. "He used whiskey. 'Here baby, have some of this. It won't hurt you!" "Whiskey?" I asked. "I never thought of that." "Whiskey," said Schecki. It was then Schecki brought up the second news story. As she and Paul both explained it, some fucked up dude held off the police by throwing knives at them. I guess as the rucous continued, the the malee that was the event, the fucked up dude cut off his "wang" and also tossed it at the police. "Why?" I asked, "Would he do that?" And Paul said, "Some emotional angst over his girlfriend." So we all thought about the idea of how this dude managed to get a girlfriend... Basically, the following conclusion resulted. If I coax a woman with whiskey and use knives too, not only toss at people, but cut off my masculinity, I am SOOO never going to be alone again in my life! I am SOOO going to be so cool with the ladies! Now, if you excuse me, I have some shopping to do!

Small Victory...

I haven't had much success on so many fronts over the last few months. Literally, I am loser. No matter what, I am left with my head in my hands shaking vigorously wondering when it will all end. I have been unlucky in love. Unlucky in my profession. Unlucky in the sports teams I choose. Unlucky in so many ways. Today, though, I had an uncharastically small victory. Not one to lift my spirits beyond shit level, but one that says, "Heh... Can you believe that!" ... I took this extremely difficult history course the last quarter. I found it difficult. It was a challenge. I had to read 8 bibles on 8 eras of American History in basically 8 weeks. They were bibles, I shit you not. It was basically one book a week, several papers, and lots of discussion. I wasn't in the right state of mind with this class. It was a real challenge, because of some personal reasons. Hell, it would've been a challenge with a good state of mind... But, let's say, the chips were down. My goal was to raise my G.P.A. above the 3.9 mark. I had a 4.0, but had a setback a couple years back. My baby niece came home, and... well... because of all of that, I slipped. That fucking grade really did a number on the G.P.A. Anyway, I vowed to get my GPA close to the 4.0 mark, and I did that with a small victory. I actually got an "A" in that graduate class. "This class is as hard, if not harder then the courses I took at Northwestern," said the professor. I did it. I know, you don't really care. But, for me? This is something. It shows me that when the chips are down, I can still B.S. my way through acadamia. Actually, it says that I can meet horrific challenges head on and win. I haven't had many of these moral victory type things. I keep moving forward you know. I hope to have more of these smaller victories. I guess I had one yesterday when a kid said, "You're cool." I had another when my baby neice came home and did a happy dance when she saw me. "Joe!" she screamed. "Joe" and she pointed at my direction. Well, I know this isn't at all funny, but I wanted to share. I am actually proud of myself. I may have that 3.95 yet! I never thought, in my wildest dreams, I could do this well in acadamia. If you knew me as that snot nosed college kid.... If I could find that kid... If could... Water under the bridge. I think that oughta do it today. Oh, I picked up a shit load of Kurt Vonnegut books. Anybody read any of those? I read Slaughterhouse Five... I figured I read his others. That's my new thing lately, reading. I have read more books in the past few months then I have in a long time. They say it helps with writing. We'll see.

THE YEAR OF JOE?????

In a previous encarnation, I had written that 2006 was going to be a banner year. I was going to put the pieces together and good things were going to happen and everything I was working on would start showing some fruit. Yes, I was looking for good fruit from my labors. WELL, my dear friends, let me tell you a story. I was at a job fair yesterday. Actually, I was more like whoreing myself to a bunch of recruiters who probably won't hire me because I am tooooo educated. Anyhoo, I will go anywhere within a 3 hour travel to Chicagoland. The city of Danville had a booth, and I figured what the hell! I have friends in Champaign. I can live in a middle town there quite comfortably. I can even go into Indiana easily if I wanted to torture myself!!!! So, I sat down. She liked the fact I went to the University of Illinois. We got on the subject of the Marching Illini. She told me her mother was in the hospital cheering the basketball team on in the tournament. "They are her boys," she said. I said, "Yes, but I'm concerned." I had a right to be. The bastards up and lost yesterday to Washington to not advance to the sweet sixteen... Anyway, she starts looking at my resume. "Oh, I could use you anywhere," she said. And, she can. And, we begin the process of chit chat that would have led to me wowing her with my great abilities. AND, then her phone rings. "I have to take this," she said. Within seconds, "I have to go. My mother....".... "I'm sorry," I said. "She's in God's hands," said the lady. With that, she up and left. What am I supposed to make of that? What is the message when the recruiter gets a phone call annoucing that her mother had died of a heart attack..... To you Danville Recruiter, my sympathies... To my life? What the fuck!?!?! YEAR OF JOE, my ass.

I am sooooo sorry....

To my Iowa friends, I am SOOOO sorry about that devestating loss against Northwestern State in the first round (since I really can't drink, thought I would watch some Tourney) of the NCAA.... I am not kidding here. Reminds me of the Illini/Penn State game where McBride's three was taken away because he released .01 seconds after the fucking buzzer... But, today, that was unfuckingbelievable. You had a great season, Hawkeye fans. Don't let this put a damper on anything.....

Happy St. Patrick's Day....

Drink some Guinness for me. I won't be attending any festivties this evening. I have a job fair to go to very bright and very early. I decided that my future was a tad more important then getting drunk off my ass.... Oh well. Later!

Do you wanna read my blog today?

No, I Don't Wanna Do Dat

written by J.Krueger-rapped by OTTO

Do you wanna go to work today?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna pay some bills?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna shovel snow?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna go out to a bar?...Yah Yah Yah !!

Do you wanna do da dishes?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna go to church?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna buy insurance?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna make da bed?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna get married?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna eat sushi?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna go to Illinois?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna do a shot wit me?...Yah Yah Yah !!

Do you wanna get da flu?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna talk to Ziggy?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna fall down?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna watch soccer?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna go to prison?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna get a haircut?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna swallow poison?...No I don't wanna do dat!
Do you wanna get in a hot tub fulla blackberry brandy with Cindy Crawford?...Ooooh Yes!!
Yah Yah Yah !!

Yah Yah Yah Yah Yah...HEY!!

It's time for some....

ummm.... time for... ummm... Well, St. Patrick's Day is coming up. Wanna know what I am doing? NOTHING! I have a fucking job fair bright and early the next day! FUCK YEAH!!!! And, my plans fell through for drinking on the 18th! FUCK YEAH!!!! Sigh.

I am so sorry, but I found this really, really funny.

I found this a tad-bit disturbing...

According to the Business section of the Chicago Tribune, beer sales have declined 4% since 2000. And, evidently, the beer industry is in an uproar over this 4%.... So, yeah, they had 55% of the alcohol market, but now they have only 51%.... Wow! Jesus fucking Christ! Somebody do something quick! Looks like the ark is going down! Anyway, I find the statistic nothing much to scoff at, nor do I think there is any problem with Wines gaining in market share. I think the downward "spiral" is misleading... AND, I think 50% is still pretty big. Nevertheless, the beer industry is responding by offering fruity styles to lure in Women drinkers from the grips of WINE!!!! So, Bud is offering more crap, but with fruit. Miller is relauching a new image for mainstays, and Heninekin has decided to make their crap lighter..... So, you have a choice, skunk or skunk lite. (I don't like Heninkin. I know, hersey, but it's a nother shit beer in a green bottle like the rest of the shit beers in green. Green = Skunky from my point of view. I have a hard time drinking Pilsner Urquell because of the skunk factor. I just get it on tap now). I think the strength of craft brewing is part of that 4% decline in share... I think people are drinking good beers from smaller brewers in their neck of the woods... I think if beer wants their 4% back, then the big three Coors, Bud, Miller, should actually brew beer that isn't crap. I wish them luck... AND, go Craft Brewers! Oh, I'm familiar with the Blueberry beer... Evidently, it may or may not be good with a side of bacon.


Bear market stirs brewers

As hard liquor and wines continue to eat away at market share, companies like Anheuser-Busch are testing new products with a somewhat different flavorBy John SchmeltzerTribune staff reporter

March 9, 2006

Blueberry beer? St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Cos., brewer of the King of Beers, is exploring whether that might be the way to regain market share lost in recent years to hard liquor and wines.And if that doesn't work, the company is testing an alcoholic fruit juice called Peels; a new light beer, Michelob Ultra Amber; and a new draft beer, Spring Heat Spiced Wheat, to see if those products capture the fancy of America's drinkers.The flurry of new products comes after a yearlong price war wasn't enough to drive up sales--a problem not faced by Anheuser-Busch alone. Miller Brewing Co. relaunched its Miller Genuine Draft brand on Sunday. And Heineken USA last week launched a light version of its premium label.The new products are symptomatic of the larger issue facing the nation's beer industry: Younger Americans are moving upscale to wine and liquor.Sales of beer have fallen from 55.5 percent of alcoholic beverage sales in 2000 to 51.4 percent in 2005, while sales of liquor have climbed from 28.2 percent to 32 percent during that period.Such numbers are forcing the industry to throw the book away in its efforts to woo back customers. In some ways, the industry is throwing its ideas against the wall to see what will stick, or targeting niche audiences.Peels, the alcoholic fruit drink, "is all about focusing a new type of product for the female consumer," said Pat McGauley, Anheuser's vice president for innovation.The new malt beverage drink, which has an alcohol content of 5 percent, similar to beer, is targeted at the same audience that the wine and liquor industry is attracting--"a little more upscale from a demographic standpoint," he said. "It's very targeted. Very focused."Peels was expected to hit the local market this week. It is very much like an alcoholic fruit drink called Brutal Fruit that Miller tested and abandoned, last year, according to BenjStein, editor of Beer Marketers Insights.Still, Stein said the challenges facing the beer industry require Anheuser-Busch and Miller to focus more effort on the premium end of the category."The beer industry has been declining for years," he said, noting that "high-end is really where it is happening in the beer industry."Sales of microbrews were up 7.1 percent in the first half of 2005, while imports were up 6.5 percent, compared with a 2 percent decline in sales by the major breweries, according to data compiled by the Brewers Association, a trade group representing the craft brewing industry.Norman Adami, president and chief executive of Milwaukee's Miller Brewing, isn't sure Stein is completely correct."The key determiner of success or failure for every major beer brand in America will be its ability to stake out a differentiated positioning," Adami said last week. "It's not that people want to trade up. ... but they are looking for brands that are distinctive."He said that's why the re-launched Miller Genuine Draft is being marketed as "Grown Up." It formerly was just another full-calorie beer similar to Budweiser and Coors.Heineken is also looking to set itself apart with its new light beer, which took 18 months to develop."We really feel there is an opportunity for us in the light-beer market," said Andy Thomas, chief executive of Heineken USA, noting that light beers account for about 50 percent of the U.S. market.And that's why Anheuser's push with Michelob Ultra Amber might turn to be a solid hit for the brewery, which last year only saw one of its nearly two dozen launches succeed, according to Stein. He said Budweiser Select was Anheuser's only successful launch last year.While Michelob Ultra Amber was launched in an advertising blitz on the night of the Super Bowl, Peels and Spring Heat Spiced Wheat draft marketing has been much more subdued.Peels is being launched in ads in InStyle, Elle, Real Simple and Self magazines.Spring Heat Spiced is the third in a series of draft beers that Anheuser began introducing last fall, according to McGauley.Stein said the new brews did not cost a lot of money to develop, but that doesn't mean brewers aren't spending a lot of money on the new brands. Heineken has budgeted $50 million to market Heineken Light.But in comparison to the billions of dollars in potential sales, the money is just a drop in the bucket."I don't think a lot of these new products are big bets. Most of them are experiments in an attempt to address the changing consumer dynamics," said Stein.Besides, he said, blueberry beer could be a hit.It already is being brewed successfully by Pugsley Brewing Co. in Portland, Maine. They call it Sea Dog Bluepaw Wild Blueberry Wheat Ale.And Anheuser's version, called Wild Blue, is being test-marketed in Bloomington-Normal, Ill.; Madison, Wis.; and Ann Arbor and Grand Rapids, Mich.----------jschmeltzer@tribune.comCopyright (c) 2006, Chicago Tribune

I have much to do....

but little motivation. How do you get things in motion? I...erggggg... Frustrating. I shouldn't have taken that graduate level course... TOO MUCH TO DO with OTHER TOO MUCHES TO DO... Fuck! And, it affects the funny bone! I have not found anything the least bit funny. Well, there was that little thing I chuckled at! But, that wasn't enough to cover one sentence. But, it did make me chuckle. I chuckled and then I snorted a little bit. Okay, that was a lie. I didn't snort. But, I did sorta .... No, I didn't do that either. Anyway, I shall smell you later.

A Shout to Stout!

I must've been in heaven, man. Yesterday, I was in a room, and every where I looked there was a tapped keg of stout. There was imperial stout. There was bourbon imperial stout. There was oatmeal stout. There was milk stout. There was Irish stout. There was dry stout. There was really thick stout. There was watery stout. There was raspberry stout. There was coffee stout. AND, I had them all!!!! Yup, I was at Goose Island Brewery's annual Stout Fest! AND, it was the best! I even have a tasting glass to show for my efforts in drinking 22 different kinds of stout. I love those fest things, especially those focusing on my favorite style of beer. I had some nice drunken conversations with the actual brewers. I had drunken conversations with other drunks. I even met somebody from Texas who said that she thought the people around were friendlier then she had heard. "What?" I asked. "You can't be serious!" ... Evidently the people of Texas are nicer as long as you don't mess with them. I don’t know if I agree. Then again, that was really my first real conversation with a Texan. My last foray into the Texan world was at a Waffle House in Amarillo. Think of the worst dive you’ve been too. Multiply that by 10. Add ants and a waitress spraying them with poison five feet from the breakfast counter while chanting, “Oh, don’t sit here, honey! It’s infested with ants.” Add a 5000 pound short order cook complete with exposed belly and tattoos all over the arm and one saying “MOM.” …. I was in heaven then too…. I had come searching for America, and there it was in a waffle house in Amarillo, Texas with nice Texans as long as I didn’t mess with them. Now, if only there was stout… I guess you can’t have them all.

So, yesterday I was stout fest. I, in true Joe fashion, did not do the damn thing properly. I was drunk after the fourth sample and I couldn’t taste anything my friend was tasting. “This tastes like coffee,” he said concerning one sample. “What? It does?” I asked. “I don’t remember coffee tasting?” So, at that point I stopped tasting and drunk critiqued using a one-point judging scale… Did I like it? … That worked well. My scorecard clearly shows this thinking. Regarding Dry Stout from Mikey Finn’s… “No!” … I guess that says it all. I figure, if I’m drunk and I don’t like it, it sucks. Lite starts getting drinkable the drunker I get. I hate Lite. I loathe Budweiser. I LOVE STOUT! And I had tons, at least according to my head and stomach and the several visits to the bathroom…… Beer, it does me good!