Cheese - Its!

I don't know the right spelling of the brand name, actually. Anyway, somebody, at work, stole my boxes of Cheez-its. What the fuck? They were supposed to be for my lunch! I wanted to eat Cheez-its and soup, because one bowl of soup doesn't do it for me! I went to get my Cheez-its... GONE! All GONE!!!! Everywhere I looked as my soup grew cold..... Not even a crumb left. Nothing! NOTHING! Let's just say, I was still hungry and left with a hunger for processed cheese food backed into a cracker. And, they were the "Big" kind. THE BIG KIND! Oh.... If I get my hands on that thief! THAT BASTARD!!!!! I... I... I will give that person a tongue lashing like they wouldn't believe!

Ode to my missing cheez-its... a quick poem by me.

Cheez-its where are thy gone?
Not in my drawer
Not in my cabinet
Not behind the desk

Cheez-its the big kind you were!
On sale at K-mart.
K-mart also had pretzels.
I choose you.

Cheez-its I bet you could melt snow.
Even in the box
Your power to enchant
Red box with yellow lettering

Cheez-its you had a recipe on the back.
I wouldn't have made that dish
It looked disgusting
Sold other products by Sunshine
I hate cross-promotions

Cheez-its you made me smile.
The three crackers I had
It was a trio of flavor
Now my soup has gone cold

Come Back Cheez-its...

It was not meant to be...


sniff...

Fucking Cheez-it stealing bastard!

Damn Near Almost Augered In!

The weather, if I may, sucks ass! Driving home today after a series of boring meetings, I nearly lost control of my car and ditched along the Interstate. I wasn't even going that fast. I couldn't! We have a weather advisory, and I take those seriously. And, it was snowing pretty hard as I left work. It is supposed to snow at least a foot... well, almost a foot. Anyway, everything was almost fine (I realized I need new wipers), when I hit a patch and... well... I kept my cool... and, I am home safe and sound. It isn't that interesting of a story, except that back in 1996 when a few friends and I decided to go to Mardi Gras, weather, such as the shit that is falling outside, ditched my car into a tree bush near Farina, IL. I find that rather freaky. AND, Mardi Gras is on Tuesday. It's like an anniversary, and I nearly put my car in a ditch yet again! Bad Karma, folks! Bad Karma! I thought things were going well, too. I found a $20 bill laying next to my car as I was leaving. It was poking out of the snow rather innocent like. I picked it up, and thought, "Maybe the evening won't be so bad!" But, of course, as fate would have it, I was reminded that stupid shit can happen. I also find this rather interesting, because the other day, there was an accident by my exit. I think I mentioned that. So, this could be a message from the old powers that be. "Joe, cars kill!" Thanks, powers that be!

In other news, ................. ummmm...... Jesus! Do I live a boring life. Seriously! My big thing this week was finding a $20 in the snow? No wonder I am bored most of the time! What the hell!?!?!?

I journey North this weekend. I am looking forward to getting out of town. The weather looks rather shotty, but not during the travel times. Ohhh.. big flakes. Look at them fall. Anyway, I head North. First, I conduct some business. As I have mentioned, it is time for phase 2 of my grand plans. That begins this weekend. Then, it is off on a pub crawl with a friend. I haven't crawled nor pubbed in a bit. I don't think a visit to a regular bar is as exciting as a pub crawl. Pub Crawling is about the mission. I am not quite sure what that mission is, besides a different drink in a different locale. BUT, It's a mission. Or, a hunt. Maybe it is more of a hunt. Men and hunting. It's a cultural thing passed down from generation through generation. Some Men actually hunt. I don't. I am not sure about killing animals. So, hunting for me is about finding that perfect pint. I have found many enjoyable pints, but not the real, true perfect one. Okay, that's just silly. Fuck the whole pub crawling with hunting thing. That's just dumb. DUMB. I really don't believe any of that. What was I thinking? Fuck that!

Moving on!

I can't check my blog from work, because the filter blocks out all the bad language. So, my blog is banned. Isn't that funny. My thoughts are not "work safe."

It was weird how that $20 was just on the ground like that. Where did it come from? I know where it is going. I need a $20 for my job fair. Omen? But, there it was, in the snow. It was just waiting for me. I shrieked with joy! It is not often I find money, except the occasional quarter. I felt like a thief too. I looked around as if I was stealing it. Did I steal it? Oh goodness! I am a thief! Great! Catholic guilt! That's all I need.

I determined yesterday that I don't have enough Beatles albums in my collection. Not that you care, but I think I should have a couple more Beatles albums in my collection.

Anyway, I think it is time to prepare for my adventures this weekend. Printing the Resume on deluxe resume paper! How exciting is that? WOO HOO!!! Another moment in the Wacky World of Joe!

MUSE!!!!

I need a muse... something that inspires me. I am missing inspiration. There was a time where I could inspire myself. Heh, I "a-muse-d" myself, you might say. Where am I going with this? There you go! No muse - no inspiration - no idea what to write. Doesn't that just suck the old apple core! It's beating a dead horse, I tell ya!
So, I think I shall take some time to find some inspiration. I am sure it isn't in the fridge. Nothing in there except some bottles of beer, a bit of leftovers, and that thing growing back there that I am afriad to touch. It is probably some ancient civilization. Who am I to destroy ancient civilizations? I am no European Explorer! No way! No how!
Where does one go about looking for a muse? Is there a dotcom that specializes in such things? Should I go to a library? Bar? Restaurant? Dairy? Back alley?
Front alley? Side alley? Bowling alley? Not anywhere near an alley?
Makes me envy all those artists of the past. They had muses, I betcha. Of course, I am sure they wouldn't share it. Those bastards.

Muse... I kinda like that simple word. .... Muse... Muse... Muse... Sadly, the word itself does nothing to inspire. It itself is not a "muse." How sad is that? A word that names an inspiration, but itself does nothing to inspire. What a crap word, now that I think about it.

Okay, so I can't find a muse in the dictionary, and the dictionary is hardly a muse.

Damn... struggling... struggling... struggling..

I tried listening to music as some form of inspiration. But, it didn't do so well. It actually put me to sleep. I can't blame the music. I really shouldn't listen to music with my eyes closed laying down. That is a recipe for disaster.

Okay, enough of this... I am going to head and look for a muse. Sitting at a blog and typing of a muse does not, in fact, create muses. It instead is merely wasting my time. Stupid blog! Wasting my time where a muse is sought! I can't believe I have been tricked like this.

Enough!

I leave!

Inspirationto be sought!

Come! Inspire me!

Here muse!

Where are you?

Drat.

Thunderbirds Are Go!!!

One hurdle accomplished. I have updated the resume in time for the first job fair this weekend. I have to begin the mental preparations, as this is the first time in two years I will be sitting in front of individuals to answer questions regarding my qualifications. Part of me is excited, the other part of me is thinking, "Damn! I have to go through job bullshit yet again!" I am a tad rusty. It's all part of the big picture, or at least this is what I keep telling myself. "Focus on the big picture, Joe! This was part of the grand plan! Remember that! Downstate was just a layover to prepare for landing in a better market! Once you do that, you can start thinking about phase three!" I know that it's time to see what's out there. I just feel lazy. However, I know myself. I know that once I get going, I won't stop, and it might just be fun. But, the thing is, I don't know what phase 3 is, yet, other then to get myself a life.

The weather has turned nasty. As I walked out of work, I was pelted with ice particles from the sky. This morning was a beautiful 50 degrees. Now, it's a paltry 2o. Wind is blowing. Ice is forming. AND, there is an accident below the Motel 6 sign. I don't know why people have this idea that during bad weather, you must travel faster than light! The emergency vehicles have been there for at least 45 minutes already, meaning, the accident is bad. I can't help, but feel awful. Suddenly feelings of my own life threatening automobile experience come to mind. I hope, whatever it is, everybody is okay. I worry. I don't want anybody to feel pain. I can remember my own sense of panic when I was in that situation. Stupid weather.

I made it home safe. I thank GOD for that. Of course, I feel a cold coming on. This is not the time for that. I medicated myself to hopefully hit this thing before it gets worse, you know, head this thing off at the pass.

Frozen burritos are just not good.

Anyway, I have nothing new to report, nor feel the funny. Those damn emergency vehicles sitting on the Interstate have brought me down. Why did this have to happen out my window?

I will catch you later.

A piece of advice...

If you are ever in a foul mood, don't go and see a 3 hour depressing movie that offers no hope.
It will kill your day.... Trust me on this.

Nostalgia...

"In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man,
Now I've reached the age
I've tried to do all those things the best I can.
No matter how I try,
I find my way to do the same old jam."

Led Zeppelin...

Two words that meant salvation to a young middle school child looking for something... something beyond the realm of his life.

I owe much to that band. I think if I could choose two words that descrbed my adolescence it would be "Led Zeppelin." I don't know why I even mention it, other then this nostalgic kick I've been on lately. Who was I? Where did I come from? What has brought me here to this moment? Led Zeppelin came barreling into my mind, and I have been humming certain songs. Well, actually most of them. I don't think Zeppelin had a bad one in the bunch. Wait, there is "Down by the Sea Side" ... not a favorite. I abhor "All of My Love", but anway, I think my nostalgic kick was sparked from a conversation I had with somebody from work who once again mentioned my lack of dating. Like it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I said, "I will tell you why I haven't asked anybody out" There are people who are just two curious for their own good, and I am not one who enjoys people prying. I prefer privacy above all else. When I find myself in a situation where I really don't feel like chatting about certain topics. like my love life (of lack thereof), I look for the humorous way out. I said to her, "I keep thinking about this song from my past.... Two guys are sitting around when the conversation begins like this...

Get a load of that chick!"
"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
"Weellll, I dunno..."
"Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
"Hey! You're right!"
"I'm always right!"
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"

"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouand
Iwaswonderingif
you'd like to go out with me!"

Then the girl sings the following:

Oh my God, you little geek!
Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.

Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer face,
You wet your pants, I'm so sure. I'm God's gift to the male race.
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
I'm too hot, too hot for you. But you'll only see me in your dreams.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.

After all it was said and done, the rejected guy goes back to his friend:

"Well? What'd she say??"
"Well, she didn't say no..."

"I keep hearing that song," I said, "whenever I may have summoned enough courage... I am that guy!" She smiled, and then we had a laugh over it. Personal crisis averted. Privacy left intact. BUT, I began to think about where I had heard that song. Suddenly, as I sat in my living-room trying desperately to find who did that song (Barry and the Bookbinders) and where I had heard it, I found my thoughts in the past when I was a child, about aged 11ish maybe? Things were bad in the Joe household as we had suffered a dramatic change in our lives. As a result, I looked for escapism. You'd be surprised. 11 year-olds can look for escapism. I found, late at night, on the radio (The Loop) Sunday nights, the Dr. Demento Show. He is a disk jockey that plays novelty and funny songs. While people were fast asleep waiting for Monday, I had a small transistor radio craddled to my ear so I could hear humor. One of those was the song above..... Thus the mind of one Joe,began to warp and a young humorist (or so I think) was born. I can see that kid as clear as day. I can hear those songs as if I just heard them. It's hard to describe the experience, but from there sprang a relentless search into all things funny. Of course, Dr. Demento inadvertently turned me onto Led Zeppelin. As I got older, I wanted more musical expression. You can only hear so much novelty shit before you get bored. Dr. D's show, as I mentioned before, was on the Loop. Therefore, my radio dial never really left 97.9. I would turn it on sometimes on other evenings besides Sunday, and wouldn't you know it, The Loop would get the Led out every night at 10. It was three Zep songs in a row... I was hooked. I can't really say who the hero was... Dr. D, who made me laugh, or the Loop for playing both Led Zeppelin, thus jump starting my adolescence, and Dr. D's show... I guess it doesn't matter. They have both left an indelible mark on my persona and made me what I am today... A lunatic with a love for Classic Rock. Later.

Story Telling...

I have discovered a secret passion recently. I guess I have always known, but I have never really given it a name. Or, maybe, I have never really even thought of giving it a name. Anyway, just to end the useless drivel, I want to be a storyteller. They are fascinating things, the story - slices of life that have some sort of point (though, I love the stories most that end ambigously). They are messages from the author who have something to say. I love them. I think, what I have learned most over the course of the last few months, is the ablity to just sit back and watch. I try not to interact (though it is hard at times), but just watch and observe. I think my lack of "getting involved" or inhibitions in certain areas of my life have simply been a result of just watching. I see stories around me everyday, and have taken great pleasures in just watching them. I can think of several incidents today where I just enjoyed watching, analyzing, and catalouging heros, losers, antigonists, protagonists, plots, settings, tones, etc. for some sort of future story I wish to tell. How is it going to end? What is next? What does the future hold? What is the message? Heck, a friend of mine today commented, "Yeah, you have done a great job in just watching!" That, I have. I don't know if this a good thing, or a bad thing. Quite frankly, I don't care. It's about the story. I love to watch the story.

All my passions have to deal with story telling. Movies! I love them! I study them. I ingest them! I disect them! The bottom line? They are stories! My recent surge in reading (though I haven't really read much lately) is a result in learning how the author tells the story. My sudden interest in doing these blog things, all preparations to tell some sort of story!

Gosh, I can remember when it all began. It was in college. I was in some strange funk, and thought it best to "see" my thoughts on the printed page just so I could figure out what the hell was happening. I bought a journal and titled it "The Nothing." That's how I felt at the time. That's how I saw myself. That's where I sort of felt I belonged. The Nothing was merely that, too. It was nothing. It was a short collection of bullshit. But, inside was one of my first short stories. It was called, "The Little Engine that Couldn't, because damnit, it just wasn't good enough." Yes, the ending from the title could be easily figured out. The little engine exploded killing everybody. But, that story taught me two things. First, it taught me to never give the ending away in the title. Second, it pointed the way to a bizzare fascination with the obsurd. I love the obsurd. But, after I wrote the story, I spent time just walking around looking at things and asking myself, "what if?" So, for example, I wondered what if somebody poisoned Spam. Why would anybody poison Spam? Spam isn't all that great. BUT, it resulted in short story where somebody did just that.
Here are some examples of my resulting short story "what ifs:"
What if Adsheet Distributors suddenly decided to kill? (College thing). I wrote "Yellow means Evil."
What if a bird asked "what if" questions? I wrote, "Life" and a bird was eaten by a cat.
What if a person just smoked too much, he actually just turned into tar? I wrote "Tar." It was an anti-smoking story I wrote while, well, smoking. How ironic!
What if a bicycle just spontaneously combusts? I wrote "Little Blue Bicycle."
What if a statue comes to life and kills people? I wrote "Alma Mater", which was about that. I made myself the hero in that one.
What if you have a Dark Lord simply named Bob? I am working on a third segment of that story. I just haven't quite hammered out the details. I have the rough, but shelved it for reasons that should be obvious if ever read.
The point being, I think of something simply stupid, and I built stories around them, which were very cynical. The message to all of them... Life is really screwed up.

None of them were any good, but they made me laugh. As I have mentioned, the point is to entertain oneself. If others enjoyed them, then bonus.

I haven't written much since. I have been dabbling here in cyberspace. Nothing really good mind you. Mainly, I have been expriementing with voice and words. In my private time, I read, watch, and observe. But, I know, in there lies some sort of story. I just haven't been able to get it out. But, one of these days, I will do it. I will write something... something fantastic.

In the mean time, I think I shall just watch. AND, eventually, I will start living my own story. Until then, go out there, and give me something I can use.

Busting a Term

"Let's do the time warp again!.... It's just a jump to the left!"

In my travels, I have yet to see the "Rocky Horror Picture Show." I don't know why I mention this, other than, this is something that one would expect a geek like me to do. For that I apologize. Perhaps one of these days I shall get my ass out there and have the experience. Anyway, I just thought I would mention it. You see, I am trying to spring board the creative process by bringing up a stupid detail as my mind works quickly to find something to go gangbusters on. But, I should mention that I hate the word "gangbusters." Whoever coined that term should be dragged out in the street and shot. Then every piece of material ever written that uses the term, including this blog, should be burned in effigy. No more mention of the word "gangbusters." It must go now! Nobody should ever, never, ever go gangbusters on anything. First of all, what the hell does that mean? Gangs go buster? No, they just go and do drive by shootings over turf. And, sometimes they wear the same clothing and hats in funky ways to show belonging. AND, they also mull about doing "business." I don't see how "busting" even fits into any of that. Nobody calls that "busting." We call that "breaking the law" and "ruining it for everyone." So, this kitschy term has no relevance, other then to make one sound "cute." I hate the cute shit like nobody's business. Cute should remain in just two realms - family photos and greeting cards. I expect to see cute there. As for cute anywhere else? NO! NO! NO!
I will allow the use of the phrase, "can of whoop-ass." At present, I only find that term mildly irritating. I can only surmise that my reasoning comes from the fact I haven't heard anybody use that phrase in awhile. It has fallen on my list of "peeves." but not "gangbusters." Folks, just stop using that term. Oh, and "Yuppers." Gosh, I hate when somebody answers with "yuppers." "Hey, Person's Name! You finished?" "Yuppers!" OHHHHHHH!!!! Come on! Why can't you just say, "Yes!" Simple, and less syllables. No, you have to use "yuppers" and sound like a complete wuss! I shiver at the mere thought of being answered with the term "yuppers." I remember being instant messaged by this lonely loser way back when. I was just laid off and bored shitless. I spent some time in cyberspace to kill time while I tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do next. It would so happen, as I sat there in cyperspace pondering new directions (kind of what I have been doing lately), these lonely college kids would often pop in and say, "hello." There was this one guy who I shall call "Yuppers Guy" who had maybe three words in his vocabulary. Two of those were "Yuppers." First, don't IM strangers. You don't know who that person may be. Second, don't IM me and then use "Yuppers" as a response to my simple questions! That's what he would do. "Not going to class again today, Yuppers Guy?" "Yuppers." "Bored, Yuppers Guy?" "Yuppers." "Shouldn't you be working on a paper, Yuppers Guy?" "Yuppers." "Not going to do that though, Yuppers Guy?" "Yuppers." "Probably going to flunk out of college, I think, Yuppers Guy." "Yuppers." "You are a loser, aren't you?" "YUPPERS!" "Got a thing for the family dog, I reckon." "Yuppers!" God, I wanted to reach out with cyber-hands, and cyber-strangle the living cyber-bejesus out of this loser! At the time, I had no room to talk. I was out of a job and pondering. But, now I can! And, I just did. However, what killed me about that whole experience? That bastard got me to using that term! I ... errrrgggg. I .... sigh. Damn him! I have long since stopped, but for a while there I was that "yuppers guy" and wanted to cyber-strangle my own self. I am sure he's still out there to this very day "yupping" it up with some poor victim who can only just block his sorry screen name, that is until he figures out the new one. It's only a matter of time. People, like him never go away. They morph and use different annoying terms.

And when they come my way? I am sooooo going to go all gangbusters on their asses with a can of whoop-ass as I call out my mighty battle cry! "YYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

That'll show 'em!

Peace out! --- Oh, that one is also starting to get mildly irritating. Poop.

TV sucks!!!

Is there anything on? Today I surfed channels to find something of interest to go with my extremely awful nuked lasagna. I had to do something to make the airplane food palatable. I went up 70 channels and then down 70 channels. I didn't feel like watching "8 Mile" for the gazillionth time, and the college basketball game were two team that I hate. Besides that, nothing! NOTHING!!! It was all garbage! I had to eat my awful meal in silence as I thumbed through a magazine. What has the world come to that it can't entertain me anymore!?!? There was a time that it didn't take much. It could be a simple sitcom or even an old show rerun. Now I suddenly want quality. I want to be intellectually challenged. I want to be amazed! Instead, I get to see the same episode of Aliens in America yet again! I've watched that show three times now. And, it has been the same episode all there times. Don't you hate that? You watch a show to try it out, and when you get around to watching it again it is the same episode? I hate that!

So, I have decided to give up TV and watch DVDs. If I can't do that, then I shall read. I think it is time to move away from the entertainment world. Perhaps this writer's strike is a good idea. It gives people like me a way out so I can pursue other things.

It has been a long, boring weekend. I submitted a few resumes, took in a high school basketball game, had a couple beers, saw a movie, but for the most part, I spent the weekend alone with my thoughts. And, if you ask me, my thoughts are pretty much as interesting as watching bad television. I keep going over the same things over and over again. AND, I keep coming to the same conclusions. Dear lord! Is there away out of this insanity?

And, to cap things off, it's snowy. SNOWY! I like snow, but I don't feel like snow today. Yesterday would've been fine. But, today? No! NO SNOW!

Yes, I am complaining. I reserve that right when I have been couped up all day working on future shit. I hate sitting at this table. I hate staring at this screen. I hate thinking about my accomplishments. Is job hunting worth all this pain? I can only say, where ever I go, I am staying there awhile. No more job hunts! NO MORE!!!!

Well, I am done with the bitch session.

Love you all!!!!

See, I am not right in the head. I actually used the "l" word. Bad, silly me!

Later!

I am simply speechless....

Or, at least I was. And, rightly so. I was just minding my own business on Friday night. I decided to stay in mainly because I was tired. It had been a long week fraught with peril and unknowns. After having just one beer, I decided to turn in on the couch. One of life's simpler pleasures, I feel, is the freedom to crash on the couch if one so desires. I've been a couch crasher since God knows how long. Before I laid on the couch to simply lose myself in some jazz, I decided to ruin more of my health by standing on the balcony for a few minutes doing bad, socially unacceptable things (I am just about there in stopping such habits, but not yet). As the horrid winds begin to lash about announcing the presence of winter, I heard a shout in my direction from an apartment across the way. It appeared an unsavory individual decided to do the same bad habit at the same time as I. Instead of minding his own business, like I was doing, he spoke to me. "I've got big balls!" he shouted. Now, what in the world was this jackass doing? I don't know. And, quite frankly, I really didn't care to know anything about his anatomy, or for him for that matter. So, I did what anybody would have done in that situation... I ignored him. What would you say to something like that as the winds howled and hands began to freeze? What the hell? What is wrong with this world that a person, such as myself, can't be left alone when he/she so chooses to be left alone? Yes, I know. This isn't all that big of a deal. But, it still bugs me. I guess it was just another one of those moments of proof that have to continually remind us that assholes live amongst us, and I guess I really didn't need another reminder at that moment. Shortly after the verbal assault, he went back inside to brag about his conquest. What a jackass! "I'm so damn funny!" he probably said to his jackass friend. "Do you know what I just did?" "What?" said loser friend. "I just yelled 'I've got big balls' to that, dude across the way!" "Oh, you are so funny!!! Gosh, I am glad to know you."

Dear lord! What kind of a world do we live in where people think this is funny?

I give up.

Cripes!

Life is going to become rather dull around here. I was talking with a friend at lunch, and I told him plans. I said, "Time for me to go." He responded, "You can always tell when somebody is preparing for departure. They have a tendency to distance." If I am going to get the heck out of Dodge, then that is something I have to do. We begin the process now... So, I have to plan some journeys.
It's time for Joe's Midwest Travel Fest Part II. Of course, this weekend, I am stuck here, mainly because I have to work on a resume. And next weekend, because I have a responsibility, but the remaining weekends are open. Where to go... Where to go...

In other news, ... no other news. I have decided to remain indoors this evening. I have guests coming for the Illini game tomorrow afternoon. My apartment needs a quick clean. That, and I am broke. Also, the pizza binge of '08 has diminished my taste for beer. I am rather annoyed at that, but what can one do with a diminished taste for beer? A Cripes!!!!

Anyway, I depart. Writing isn't in the stars this evening.

A dreadful thought...

occurred to me today. I was talking with a few people at a local bar. The former Pope came up. It was then I realized what a loss! The joke, "What do you call a Polack in a $5,000 hat?" is no longer usable!!!! What a damn shame.

I weeped.

Aside from poorly thought out humor, I thought I would share some insight into the wonderful world of my head. I often don't like to visit there. It's, in the immortal words of Monty Python, " a silly place." Silly indeed.

But, I often ask, "How in the world do I explain myself?

I can't! That's the beauty of it all. I can't explain me! Of course, I have used "Just Joe." Ahhh, the joys of living in my head. It's like a blender. SWISH!!! Everything goes around at blinding puree speeds. I get dizzy just being me. Just to much to consider and too many decisions to make. What will the next chapter of my life hold? I don't care! That's another beauty! Letting the wind blow! Where it stops? Who knows! At present, I have decided to "Cast My Fate to the Wind" as Vince Guaraldi would say. Of course, he didn't say it. He musically represented it. The jazz world lost a great musician the day he died. I take a moment... Okay, anyway, yes... wind... fate.. me... cast.. yes, I have decided to cast my fate to the wind (he writes as he hears the first piano chords to a great musical song).

I have never really been at this type of crossroad in my life. It is really a scary prospect. And, I ask myself this question, "Now what?" Seriously, now what? What do I do? I have completed some long-term goals. I remember when it all started years ago on a cot in my niece's bedroom. I remember sitting there thinking to myself, "How do I get off this cot?" Never had I been so humbled. What a humiliating position to be in. But, that was then. At this present juncture, this is the first time I have been able to ask, "Joe, what is it that you want?" I pause. The voice again began, "Joe, seriously, forget about what others want, but what do you want?" I have finally been put in a position to to actually make a decision or decisions that I can make that are for me! ME!!! I can be self-fish. Over the holidays, I just sat there. That's when Vince spoke to me. I was shuffling music on my iPod when I heard him speak. The first few chords filled my ears... "Cast Your Fate to the Wind"... "Cast Your Fate to the Wind"... "Cast Your Fate to the Wind".... Actually, it was more of a dooo daaaa dooo daaaa dooo daaaa middle plunk... higher plunk... lower plunk....then more and more plunks in musical rhythm. Well you get the picture. "You're right, Vince!" And, casting I shall. Time to hoist the sails and see where the wind blows. Of course the winds are blowing rather hard at the window, but I am dealing with metaphor. Anyway, ... nah, I think I am done. Of course, when one chooses to cast fate, hard decisions have to be made. But, man, am I ready!

Thanks, Vince.

And, thank you wind.

and, thank the Academy.

Three recent posts...

And all three have become affirmation bullshit now stuck in blogger limbo land. Jesus Christ!!!

Ummmm.... Ummmm.... hmmmmmm.... Well, this seems to be going places.

Can I just say that ummmm... Can I say... oh, poo.

"Oh poo"... I love that expression. Oh poo!

Moving on.

I haven't a clue what to write about today. I just keep digressing. I think it is simply, you can't be funny all the time.

I can't be funny today.

I can borrow somebody's funny. So, I shall borrow this picture funny.

This picture cracked me up.

I will put a space between each sentence and the next to create a dramatic type of look.

Maybe it isn't so dramatic now that I think about it, but poetic.

Are spaces betwen short sentences really all that dramatic?

Why is important that I know?

Let's get to the borrowed funny, shall I?

Wait, I must write more drivel.

Drivel! Drivel! Drivel!

Hee!

That was three drivels, actually. Five, if you count all the times I wrote the word "drivel".

One must not over use the term "drivel." Six times is WAY to much, if you ask me.

I should have kept it at three.

Gads!

Oh, and pumperknickel. I spelled that wrong. Shoot. So much for good randomness.

I need more randomness. I haven't had the mind to come up with good randomness.

The best I can do is a misspelled rye bread?

Sigh.

Again, sigh.

Drivel.

Sigh and drivel.

Now, just a sigh again.

Drivel.

Hee.

And, now that I am done completely wasting your time... The main event!

The picture that cracked me up....

About time, right?

Yeah.



Woody Woodpecker drunk on booze is always funny. But, one must ask, do woodpeckers shave?

It Is What It Is...

but, I don't know what it is!

Okay, so Tuesday is not my day of the week. I think it is simply because I still have Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday to contend with. That's three more days of the usual bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I would love to go into details, but I just can't. Just be assured that I deal with bullshit on a routine basis. I should have this feeling on Mondays, but I don't. Monday, I think, is more simple because we expect the bullshit. We get the bullshit on Monday. It's a given. Then on Tuesday we feel we've dealt with enough bullshit, and here we are doing it again after we had enough bullshit to do deal with on Monday. Does that make sense? There are some studies that say Tuesday is supposed to be the easiest day to have because it is just simply a non-exciting day. I don't know if I agree. In fact, I don't agree. I think those "experts" have not really studied the days of the week very carefully. I think it is because they didn't ask me. They better, because I have lots to say on this matter. I can't wait, in fact, for this day to end. Sure, I am not looking forward to Wednesday. BUT, It is better then Tuesday because it is simply closer to the weekend, and I am relieved that Tuesday is over.

I need more on Tuesday to make it more exciting, and I am fresh out of ideas. Today, I decided to blog. Now, I like blogging, but it isn't enough to make Tuesdays a decent day. I can't say, "Oh Boy! I can blog after work! SWEET! Tuesdays rock!" I just can't say it. A blog is nothing to look forward too. I do, but I think you catch my drift. It isn't enough. Wednesday, actually, I think I have that problem too. Still, Tuesday sucks. I think we should make Tuesdays "Coma Day." The powers that be should put us in a coma for the 24 hours that comprise of Tuesday and wake us for Wednesday. This would allow us to simply skip over a very non-exciting day. Sure, there are some problems with my overall idea, but I don't wish to get into semantics. I just want Tuesday to not be Tuesday. I want it to be nothing. A void! A non-livable void instead of the livable void that it is. I never get what I want, so I will have to deal with Tuesday the rest of my life.

I am also tired of pizza. I don't want anymore pizza. I don't want pizza, especially from Papa Johns. I have had pizza 5 days in a row, and quite frankly, that's is to much pizza. Because I have had to much pizza, I can't think of anything else I would like to eat. It has destroyed all my tastes. Hell, I don't even want a beer. Pizza has destroyed my taste for a beer, and that is a serious problem. Usually, I don't drink during the week. I wait for Friday and the weekend. Abstinence makes that beer taste real good. It is a self-imposed choice. That's where the problem lies. You would think my lack of wanting a beer on this Tuesday is really no big deal. Because I have no taste for a beer, not having a beer will make that Friday beer that much better. You'd be right, but I don't like to think along those terms. My rights have been stripped. I would like to have the ability to not have a taste for beer on my own accord. Basically, I want to control when I want or do not want a beer. The 5 day pizza binge has taken away my civil liberty in beer choice! I hate that! I want to choose. Papa Johns should not have that choice! I should never have let Papa John's take away my choice! AND, the pizza isn't all that great! Double jeopardy!!!!!! Gosh, I could use a beer, and I can't have a beer because my stomach has simply ruled it out! GADS!!!!!!! I hate you, Papa Johns. I am now going on that balcony with this coupon for free bread sticks with an order of an extra large specialty pizza and burn it in effigy. That's right, Papa Johns! NOBODY WILL BE SAVING TODAY!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

Let's see what's in the freezer.... All I have is some frozen Papa Johns? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!

"That's to much knowledge!"

It has finally gotten cold. Last week... actually 7 days ago, it hit 70. Today, it is just fucking cold. According to all the sources, it will get colder and colder and colder. Global warming and all.

Today, I have nothing. Nothing to report, other then the weather. I think I have covered most of the basics... hurt finger, stupid attitude, wanting to journey elsewhere, hurt finger back to normal almost, movies rule, ummmmm... yeah, that's pretty much it. Oh, OH! I also think to much. I heard that, damn, 2343433 times this weekend. WOW! I think to much! Fuck! I feel rather upset that I think to much. Is this why I get myself into trouble, that I think to much? I didn't think thinking was a bad thing. I always thought that people don't think enough or at all... And, here I am thinking to much. Somebody suggested that I don't have enough to think about which causes me to think to much! Now, that's a mind-fuck right there! I should think more, so that I can think less, which I think could be a good solution to not thinking at all. At least, I think, that may be what I should think about doing. What does thinking to much actually mean? I am not sure. I know I think, and re-think, and over think. Is that what it means? I was told that I, perhaps, over-thought a situation that has put me in a funk.... I promised I wouldn't think about it anymore, but I can't help but think that may not be the right solution. Perhaps I should confront this one head-on!!! I think that maybe I should think about ending this before I think so much I end up with to much knowledge. Later.

3:10 to Yuma

I just LOVE watching a good western. Last night I conned a friend into watching "3:10 to Yuma", which I thought was great the first time, and loved it even more the second. The second time I get to watch a film, I look closely at certain aspects. Bascially, the first time I watch a movie, I react merely to storytelling. Then, the second time, I study some things. For example, in "3:10" I watched the change in the son of Christian Bale's character (I'd give away the details more, but GO see the movie! It's out on DVD now). The third time I watch this film? Oh, yeah, in true Joe fashion, I will begin ripping it apart, and find all that was wrong with it. I should NEVER have taken all those film courses back in college. Now, I can't watch a movie the same way as most people. I also hate seeing movies with casual movie goers. When somebody says, "National Treasure is the bomb?" I... well... I... Ummmm... I just look at them and smile. Inside I say, ...hmmm... I guess it depends on the movie. In terms of "National Treasure," I guess I would think, "Nicolas Cage can't act his way out of a paper bag." Damn, I hate that actor. I guess it is good to see what was probably a whiney-geeky kid back in high school become rich and famous. Yet, I didn't want to watch that kid back then, and I sure as hell won't pay $1919191o11 to watch that kid now! You know what I mean? Sorry, Nick Cage, but... I... I just don't get you. "Ghost Rider?" What the fuck, Man? You said you may do a sequal to it if the script is better? Better? If "Ghost Rider" only dealt with cockroach sex and your attempt to exterminate them? That would be better!!! Anyway, I got off task. We went to see "Enchanted" as our family Christmas moive. It was fine movie, I guess. Decent family fare. BUT, there was a bad trasnsition in the film from one scene to another that caught my attention, and that caused me to skip my first two steps on go into critical mode. It was instant. From that moment, I was ripping it apart in my mind. As I tried to discuss it, I got the usual response, "I just go to movies to watch them." Well, it was something along those lines. I sighed, sat back and said, "That's why I go to movies alone." Amy Adams saved it, if you ask me. But, still, I was reminded on why I see movies alone. That is why I will continue to do so. Personally, I don't watch movies. I want to experience them. We don't go to the Art Institute of Chicago to look at pretty pictures. We go to have experiences. That is how it is with me and movies. I lie in the "Movie as art" camp. I don't want to pay for pretty pictures. I want substance. Last night I watched "Syriana," and was happy I did. That was a good example of a movie experience. It was a little hard to follow, but I turned it off thinking. Perfect.

But, my talking about movies wasn't the point of all this at all. I just wanted to say that after watching "3:10 to Yuma", as I do with most westerns, I wish I could've been a cowboy. I really do. But, not just any cowboy. I would've been a rough and tumbler cowboy with a quick shot and macho attitude. I would've been a real bad ass cowboy. They would've called me "Joe the Cowboy." And, that name would've sent shock and fear into the hearts of men. Nobody would want to tick off "Joe the Cowboy," nobody!

Later

One Last Game to Play

I never posted this at my other, soon to be closing, myspace page. But, I will post this last game here... Why the fuck not, right? I have nothing to hide from you all. So, this shall be my last survey. They get a tad pretentious, and sometimes they depress me. Here we go!

2008! It may or may not be great?

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes… It’s time to move on. I made my final decision on this matter before I left here for the holidays. Whether I find a new ship to jump too, or not, I will be on my way out.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
Depends on what you mean by new relationship…. New friends, sure. As for dating? I think I shall keep going it alone. People suck, and I am always victim to the “something better” syndrome. I’d like to say that I am pretty fucking good…. I’ve got some great qualities, but I lose a lot. There is always someone better. I just can’t compete. Fuck. That, and it doesn't help that I am not that attractive. Did I mention that people suck?

3. New house?
Possibly… more than likely. If not, a new place to crash. I have some economic issues that need to be dealt with first.

4. What will you do differently in 08?
I don’t know. I might actually, ummm… no, I won’t do that. Well, I might…. Nah. I think, maybe… hmmmm… no. I think I will try to go to bed sooner. And, I plan on being more on top of things. For example, I will be on top of my job search. I’ve begun the resume writing process.

5. New Years resolution?
Nope. Fuck that!

6. What will you not be doing in 08?
Ummmm…ummm… not thinking about how it sucks??? Yeah. That!

7. Any trips planned?
Czechland in the summer. I hope. I really, really hope. If not, just various road-trips here and there.

8. Wedding plans?
I don’t plan weddings.

9. Major dates or thing on your calendar?
Hmmmm…. Let’s see… June something I leave central Illinois and hopefully I get to head to the woods of Wisconsin for the summer… then, ummm… I don’t know after that.

10. What can't you wait for?
Mid-west Beer Fest… now, if I can get the tickets… But, there is always Racine.

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I would like for all the children in the world to join hand in hand for world peace.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
My clothing, daily… Wait, I used this one joke before… Ummmm…. How about my shampoo. I’ve been using Pert for so long. Maybe I should look into some other brand. But, I think I should look into a complete change with a doing away with some bad habits while I get some new good habits. Now, If I can just will myself into doing away with the bad habits.

13. What happened in 07 that you cried about?
“They took the bar! They took the whole fucking bar!” I didn’t cry about it, but I am beginning to believe my father when he said, “Maybe, Joe, are you are not destined to have anybody. My cousin Joe never married.” Good old cousin Joe.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Hell no! Yet another really stupid question... this implies that I treat people horrible like. I don't do that.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
Hell no! Jeans and Orange T-shirt, Baby!

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Quit drinking? Are you fucking kidding me?

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
Okay. Is there an issue I need to know about?

18. Will you do charity work?
I guess.

19. Will you go to bars?
Is… ummm… yeah.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
No. I like to shit on everybody!!! What a stupid question.

21. Do you expect '08 to be a good year for you?
I don’t set up any expectations… So, you know, if it is good, it is good… if not, it isn’t. I would go for mediocre.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
I am “Just” Joe and have been for centuries.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
For dinner? I am not a cannibal.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I do have issues with communication. I think once I leave here, it will be like I just disappeared. I will lose contact. In some ways, I like that idea. It's like a clean-slate. Let's focus on the here-and-now, and not on the past. But, I will do my best. I have met some really good people.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
No.. yes… no… yes.. What does this mean? I might, gads… Do I need to say it? Exercise???? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Funny.

26. Will you be moving?
Yes! YES! AND, YESSSS!!!!

27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 08 that happened in 07?
Let me think about 07 for just a smidge… hmmmm… ummm… Can’t for the life of me think of anything. I will prevent global warming… Wait, somebody on that? Shit. Nothing happened to me on 07, really.

28. What were your New Years Eve plans?
We had our annual drink until you puke party. I didn’t puke, so I better keep partying.

29. Did you have someone to kiss at midnight?
I kissed my Champagne glass… actually, it kissed me. We kissed. My beer glass was jealous. Stupid beer glass, you know you are the only one for me.

30. One wish for 08?
I wish… I wish… I wish… I wish… That… ummmm… I can finally make sense of it all, and find the place I can truly call “home.”

What is WRONG with me...

The blog that used to be here was another mess of jumbled emotional bull shit....wah! Wah! WAH! It wasn't funny, other then I was complaining about my sore finger again. Sore fingers? Not that funny in the first place. I apologize to anybody who happened to see it... It is obvious, that the funny ain't with me today. BUT, I shall try to find something funny to keep anybody amused. Hmm... Funny... Funny...

I did the following for a MySpace page I've been dabbling with. However, I don't feel like dabbling with it much longer. I prefer blogger, and in my line of work, MySpace can be a bad idea.

So, here it is... my entry in a MIDDLE NAME GAME... But, I did it my way.

It's harder than it looks!

Here is what you do. Use the 1st letter of your middle name to answer each of the following... They have to be real places, names, things... nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

(Joe Sez: Rules... Smules. As far as I am concerned, in my world... yeah, these exist!)

1. Middle name
Notgonnawriteit.

2. Famous artist/band/musician
Ned Zeppelin.

3. 4-letter word:
Nuck.

4. U.S state:
Nllinois.

5. Boy name:
Noseph

6. Girl name:
Nosephine

7. animal
Nion.

8. Something in the kitchen:
Nife.

9. Reason for being late:
Nrain.

10. Body Part?
Neart.

11.Drink?
Neer.

12. Something you shout:
Nastard!!!

13. Something you eat:
Nteak.

Hmmm... .... hmmmm... I wonder if it is even that funny, now that I think about it... Golly, I do over think things.

The damn thing swells...

I am still really miffed at the my stupid act of jamming my finger on a door jam. It could've been prevented, but I had to be funny. I just had to be. If I had been just a few inches to the right, I wouldn't be watching my finger swell and change colors. The price one has to pay go that extra mile for a smile. And, I say to myself, "Is it worth it?" Of course, humor is my escape. I try to find something fun to smile at everyday. If not, I would probably be crying in that Joe way.

So, to amuse myself today, I wondered if I still had my SLIderness. Can I still fuck around with halogen bulbs like I did when I was younger? That is, can my sheer presence cause a halogen bulb to either ignite or blow? I haven't noticed lately. In college, I would cause street lights to turn off just by walking under them. I haven't been much in the dark lately. Has my bizarre super power disappeared? It isn't that I really miss it. I don't think the ability to play around with electric fields just by my mere presence is one to write home about; or here, for that matter. Today, I started to think about that power. I've noticed that my power comes when I am in some emotional crisis, like the one I happen to be in now. Though I am pretty clear on what must be done, I still have this... this inner feeling that plagues me. I was out tonight. I wasn't much in the mood, really. I wanted to wallow. I told somebody this week that I reserve the right to wallow before I come back fighting. This week, I wanted to take my wallow break before I got down and dirty...before I got down to business with a complete life makeover. I am positive there just might be a change in my future. I soooo want a new adventure. Anyway, I didn't wallow. I decided to slum it and have crap beer for a change in some crap bar (I saw Jesus there! Yes, folks! I found Jesus! He was in Floyd's the entire time! AND, he likes 80s music! And, he likes to surround himself with hippie girls! Who knew?). I know... I know... "Joe! You drinking crap beer?" Miller Lite, yeah it sucks. So does Bud Light. But... my fridge is making weird noises again..... Anyway, ... what was I writing? Oh, But, I only had a few sparse dollars in my pocket (spending freeze... damn you holidays! DAMN YOU!) forcing a dabble in the the world of water tinted crap brown. I didn't like it, but one must do what one must do. I go out to do bad things to my lungs, and I notice a low lit halogen bulb flickering down some alley. "Joe," I said to myself, "Let's just go over to see if I can get that thing to ignite!" Yes, I sometimes talk to myself. Believe me, in my profession, my talking to myself can be one of the best conversations I have all day! I walk over, and I stand there underneath taking minute by minute off my old age away. Sure enough, that light began to shine like the sun. I walk away, and it died. I walk up to it, and it ignited! I walked away, and it died (it wasn't that instantaneous. I don't have instant powers). "Woo hoo! I still have my absolutely useless superpower!" And, because I wasn't in the right mood to be overly social, I excused myself several times just to play with that damn light. My last time, I just stood under it merely to see what would happen. It lighted and it got brighter... and brighter... and brighter... until... *POOF!!!" It died! I was extremely amused! "Jesus!" I exclaimed in my inward voice, "How fucked up is that?!?!?" And then Jesus came from inside the bar, I guess a little done with his 80s music and hippie girls, and said, "Yeah, that totally is!"

Thanks, Jesus.

I hurt the dickens out of my finger!

Can I be anymore Polish? I jammed my damn finger on a door jam!?!?!? How in the world did I manage that? I ... I am actually having a hell of a time typing this because it's a vital finger. And, there is blood on it too. Damn! DAMN! DAMN! And, ouch. There are some ouches in there too.

I hope your weekends started better then mine... damn you, couch!

Indian Guy? Where are you!?!?!?

I have absolutely no idea. It's a problem. I wish I had a clue. I wish some old Indian guy would show up at my door and say, "You must have some spiritual journey to get to the root of your evils." I would go to his kevia (sp?). He'd have me smoke something, after painting my face. I would get lost in the campfire smoke as some mysterious drum music plays in the background.The next thing I will know, my head is filled with images and suddenly it all becomes clear to me. It would be a great epiphany. Everything would be clear, and then my life changes. Why? At that moment, I know what I must do. Sadly, that damn Indian guy has yet to visit my door. Where the fuck is that old Indian guy? Sure, in many movies and TV shows, that jackass appears to everybody. Within their Hollywoodish lives, all their ills are wrapped up by the ending credits. Where is my neatly solved bundle of problems? Where are my ending credits? Hell, where is my damn sunset?

Hollywood, you suck ass! You and your lame ass writing ideas!

Sitting in the dark...

I don't know why, but I've been sitting in the dark for the past few days. Well, there is this light from the computer, but that's it. I have actually found it to be quite comfortable. It's just me in a mass void of nothingness. This could be a subconscious stab at some metaphor that the powers that be want me to decipher. Or, it could also mean that I am to damn lazy to turn on a light.
It would be simple to turn on the light. I could just move over a few feet, and fiddle with the lamp on that table over there. Fuck it. Maybe I just want to be just by myself, floating (rather, sitting on the floor) in space.... Therefore, time for some RANDOM THOUGHTS!!!

1. Is it me or are people just going crazy? I just saw a headline that read that some dad threw his four kids off a bridge. He is just another in a long line of crazy fuckers killing folks. So, instead of thinking rationally and saying to myself, "What a tragedy!" I say, "What the fuck!?!? How did this guy get married, and I can't find anybody willing to date me?"

2. I have to stop eating Papa John's pizza. That stuff is really causing a big ruckus in my digestive system. What is that pizza made from anyway? Why must people use napkins to dab at it to make it edible? Why, upon hearing that people dab it with napkins, must I insist on ordering more? I do love the bread sticks, though.

3. I insist on not wanting to be seen. Why must I continue to buy orange T-shirts (Illini fan), which completely defeat that purpose? Orange is really one of those colors that scream out and say, "Hey! I don't rhyme with anything!"

4. I have work to do, but I really don't want to do it. I just want to bang on the drums all day. Of course, I don't have drums, nor do I know how to play them. That want is just plain silly. I need better wants. Not just better, but more logical wants...wants that are obtainable. I should say, "I don't want to work, I want to watch sci-fi DVDs all night!" I guess drumming is just cooler. Smallville DVDs, Dr. Who DVDs, and AdultSwim DVDs, just make me sound like a nerd, dork, and geek. Of course, I really am, but why not live in denial. I want to bang on the drums all day, because I am just too damn cool.

5. Books. I need to start reading them again. They say they make one smarter. I've read a few, but one could argue that I am still a dumbass when it comes to certain things. For example, saying I want to bang on drums all day when I don't know how to play, nor own any drums. How dumb is that?

6. I have two shirts that say, "I enjoy drinking beer." One is fine, but two? That's redundant.

7. I love my couch, but I realized the other day that a former girlfriend cheated on me with a bartender on that very couch. I suddenly really don't like the couch so much anymore. It stabbed in the back. Damn you, couch! You couldn't have... I don't know... spit out trapped food particles or maybe some loose change at them? I shouldn't blame the couch. Back in its day, it was a really nice couch. And, is still a nice place to lay... or get laid? Oh, fuck! Damn you, couch.

8. There is a book of Ansel Adams photographs that was released the other day. I want that book. Not only would it make a good coffee table book, but perhaps I could use it as a coffee table. Or, maybe perhaps a couch... Damn you, couch! DAMN YOU!

9. I don't need a coffee table. I have one. It's has a glass top in the shape of a kidney (heh, I have three kidneys now... he he he), and the top support foundation looks very 1960s modernish, meaning, it could be mistaken for drift wood. We call it the kidney shaped table. It has been in the family since my parents were married. I could never replace it, at least not with a book with photographs. I think I will keep the table, that is unless the kidney top decides to rupture. AND, the best feature, I can see the carpet through it. One can never tire of seeing a carpet through a glass table top. Coooool!!!

10. My antique table needs to be refinished.

11. I had popcorn for dinner the last three nights in a row... Isn't that the ultimate in singleness? I have my main meal at lunch. Today I had a fine plate of slop... I mean ravioli. I think it was ravioli. Oh Gawd! I hope it was ravioli... Anyway, oh shit, I lost my random thought to complete this random thought. It was a great punchline, or I think it would've been a great punchline. It had something to do with ravioli, I think. Maybe not... perhaps singleness? Maybe I was going to mention my bastard couch again just so I could write, "Damn you, couch!" No... Ahh! I was going to say that it is cool to have the main meal of the day as lunch, because I happen to like the word lunch. LUNCH! What a word! Hmmm... I think I don't think that was much of a random thought punchline now was it. Damn you, couch!

12. I have two blankets in my living-room, and both of them are orange. Now that I think about it, orange is not much of a good blanket color. Suppose I was sleeping, and some assassin decided he wanted to kill me. On that day I decided to sleep on my bastard couch and use one of those orange throw blankets. That assassin would see me! I'm a dead man! It just goes to show me, it is best to sleep in the bedroom under my brown blanket. Nobody can see me under a brown blanket. Nobody!

13. Perhaps number 12 is a good indication on why I am still single. Perhaps it is safer dating a man willing to throw his kids over a bridge.

14. If I hear or read one more Brittany Spears headline... I will... I will... I will write it write here in my blog on how I don't want to read one more Brittany Spears headline. That'll show em!

15. It is dark in here. I need to really turn on the damn light.

GAMES!!!

I just got this game... and, I noticed that it was missed numbered. So, don't blame me if somebody out there in cyberland can't count.

3 Words

You have to use 3 words to answer each question. No more, no less. It’s harder than you think.

1. Where is your cell phone? I don’t know.

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/hubby? Incased in ice.

3. Your hair? Falling out fast.

4. Where is your father? In hot Arizona.

6. Your favorite thing to do? Drink, eat, sleep.

7. Your dream last night? Really fucked up.

8. Your favorite drink? Beer! BEER! BEER!

9. Your dream car? Still a dream.

10. The room you’re in? Cold and dark.

12. Your fears? Gnaw at me.

14. Who did you hang out with last night? Me, myself, I.

15. What aren’t you good at? Silly game playing.

16. Muffins? What about muffins?

17. One of your wish list items? Drums to play.

19. The last thing you did? Wrote three words.

20. What are you wearing? Pants, shirt, underwear.

22. Your pet? Is swimming soundly.

23. Your computer? Is not working.

24. Your life? Could be better.

25. Your mood? Cynicism really rocks.

26. Missing? Damn you, couch.

27. What are you thinking about right now? Writing these words.

28. Your car? Makes strange noises.

29. Your work? Has its moments.

30. Your summer? Spent in solitude.

31. Your relationship status? Snug, bug, rug.

32. Your favorite color(s)? Is not orange.

33. When is the last time you laughed? All the time.

34. Last time you cried? After viewing movie.

35. School? Over educated, underpaid.

The three words thing was actually pretty damn easy. I'm brilliant! :)

Fun with Conversation Hearts!

I was thinking about yesterday's entry, well, the part about not having someone to talk too. I live alone, and have a fish who doesn't say much... So, instead of actually finding someone to talk to, I did the next best thing. I bought a bag of conversation hearts. Let's see what they say?

Me: Hi, Conversation Hearts (CH)! How are you today?
CH: "Wild Life!"
Me: Really, CH? How come?
CH: "Marry Me"
Me: Ummmm.... CH, ummmm, we just met. Hell, I just bought you. You're a tad forward, aren't you?
CH: "Melt my"...something that looks like some sort of shape (It could be a shape... might be a blemish).
Me: What?
CH: Shape thingy "of Gold" (It might be a heart shape).
Me: Huh?
CH: "Kiss me"
Me: Kiss you? How about I eat you instead?
CH: Smiley face.
Me: Alrighty then! Me eats! Me eats!
(I eat.)
CH: "Sure Love"
Me: What the hell does that mean?
CH: "My love"
Me: You're confusing me here, CH. What's with all this love shit?
CH: "My baby"
Me: Okay, it's your baby... It isn't my baby. I have never met you before, until today.
CH: "Call me"
Me: Call you what?
CH: "Call me"
Me: I got that, but call you what?
CH: Something illegible.
Me: Listen, you have to speak up. I can't understand you.
CH: "My love"
Me: Is that what you want me to call you? My love? I dunno.
CH: Something"Ax Me"
Me: Listen, "sugar pie," I ain't understanding what the hell you are saying.
CH: Something"mile"
Me: Okay... If you don't make yourself more clear. I am outta here.
CH: Smiley face.
Me: Okay, you're just fucking with me.
CH: "Sunshine"
Me: Dude, it's fucking raining outside. What the fuck?
CH: "Dea"something "one".
Me: You are starting to piss me off.
CH: "Do good"
Me: Yeah, I just might, buy throwing your worthless Necco ass into the garbage.
CH: blank
Me: Speechless, eh? I thought so, dumbass.
CH: "Only you"
Me: No... I am sure other people are just as annoyed at you.
CH: "Heat wave"
Me: Either you are on something, or you're just dumb. It just dropped 20 degrees in the last 15 minutes!!!!
CH: "Hug me"
Me: I don't think so.
CH: "Kiss me"
Me: Fuck this... I'm outta here!
CH: Blemish
Me: Yeah, fuck.
CH: "ove"
Me: I have to pick the conversation hearts with a complete lack of any knowledge of the English language.
CH: "My love"
Me: Bite me.


Later!

Fuck if it ain't precipitating again...

WOW! Is the water coming down! I really have no insight into this, other then... Why hasn't my power gone out yet?

The Abyss!!!

Every time I travel between here and North, I consider it a major accomplishment. There is a part of my route that just drags and drags and drags and drags and drags (and drags.......). It drives me absolutely nuts! Once eternity ends, I feel absolutely good about myself. "I made it!" I say to myself. "I didn't get lost in the abyss!" It is not like I can lost in that abyss. There is nothing there!!! But, the feeling I get when I successfully pass through makes me feel all tingly inside. I didn't fall asleep, and my car didn't break down. Those are two good things! We should all celebrate when two good things happen to us in a row! At least I do. I am not one who has much luck in anything I do. Luck, in fact, is no longer in my vocabulary. It took me hours just to remember the word "luck" for this entry. Just today my car developed yet another quirk. I don't know if it is simply from the dynamic weather change (just a few days ago the mercury was hitting zero wind chills and now the birds are coming back north... I hate the mid-west for that very reason. A/C one day... heater the next), or just another result from the dark cloud that looms overhead, but now I have to fidget around with the gear-shift while placing it in park. If I don't, my car key will become a permanent fixture of the ignition. That's all I need, more car trouble. I don't have much money, and that's all I need. I can now see plenty of weekend hours spent on the couch because I had to use whatever spending money I had in order to, not only get to work everyday, but survive the abyss that looms between here and, well, anywhere! I am not used to this abyssness. Coming from Chicago, I could go miles and miles and miles and miles, and there would always be something! Sure, most of the time it was some gas station or a take out pizza place or an inconvenience store (or both an inconvenience store and gas station combo... That's something, I tell you, especially when one needs gas, and finds themselves a bit hungry for beef jerky), but it was something. And, I was never in shortage of a nice tasty snack opportunity! (GO TWINKIES! YES!!!!). Here, if I do the same travel, in a blink of an eye, I suddenly have to ask myself, "Where the hell am I?" For most of the people I work with, they don't seem to mind it. Of course, they are from here or have been here for a LONG time, but it bugs me every so often, just like it did yesterday when I traversed the abyss for the umpteenth gazillionth time. I started a conversation with myself. "Joe, this blows. THIS TRIP REALLY BLOWS!" "Yes," I said to myself. "This blows." "Will this ever end?" "Yes, at mile marker 105... civilization begins again there." (Yes, I have memorized what is at every single mile marker). "No," that voice says. "That's not what I meant. I mean, will this trip ever end... you know, back and forth... back and forth." "It will," I assure that voice. "Some way or another, it will end." "When?" asks the voice. "That's a fair question, voice that nags me all the goddamn time." "And?" "And, I don't really know." Which, I think is a fair answer. I really don't know. As the New Year dawned, not only did I think that during bad weather, one should stay inside, but I also figured I better see where the wind is blowing, set my sail, and go. I gave myself two years here. I said, when I moved, "Joe, let's see what happens during the next two years." After those two years, I figured to reassess and then, well, make a decision. My staying put was left up to fate. I figured if something came along that would keep me here, I would. But, that didn't happen. However, I am pretty sure I sabotaged that. I am very good at sabotaging myself. I do a gazillion things to keep people away. Why I do that, I am not sure, I just do it. I think that is part of the reason I am the only person I have to talk to as I traverse the abyss alone. Okay, there was my pet fish Ike. He was with me. But, he isn't one for conversation. If he did start talking to me, I think I have other problems. He hasn't, and that's probably one of the really good things. Basically, I put nice walls above and around me, and stay behind them. I also have my reasons for doing that. As I said, I have no luck. I keep people at a distance. It takes a lot for me to actually start trusting anybody, and I feel people really don't have the time nor the energy to break down my barriers. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to spend that time either. It is not that there isn't anything to find. I am a pretty fucking good person, if I say so myself. However, I don't give many an opportunity to discover that. It is a secret I keep to myself, and those few people I allow to see who I am. That's where I am at this very moment. I am going to see where the wind blows. I have much to do to prepare.

So, yeah, that abyss trip really puts me into a fucking lame-ass funk. I look forward to the day when I don't have to make it anymore. I look forward to the day I can put the game room into a more permanent setting. I look forward to the day when I can finally look around me and say, "This is where I belong." I look forward to the day when I don't have to talk to that damn nagging voice that resides inside me and finally tell him to go fuck himself. I do not look forward to the day that Ike actually speaks to me. That won't be a good day.

Later!

Three Days....

into the new year, and I have yet to formulate any profound wisdom to impart on any poor schlep who happens to stop by. "Let's start the New Year with some good old fashioned Joe wisdom!!" I thought to myself. I sat down in front of this machine several times over the last few days and found I have none, except when it is really cold outside, stay inside. A very simple piece of obvious advice that will save people from the ills of frost-bite. Sadly, that was my one prevailing thought as this new year trudged its way in. I guess that's why I haven't really written anything useful. Today, I was inspired. I read some column from some dude in the Chicago Tribune. He says he'll be turning 50 next week, therefore he decided to share 50 bites of wisdom he has learned over the years. I read all fifty, and it pretty much was the usual cliches one hears from a gazillion others who have absolutely no sense of creativity what-so-ever. "Be nice to people!" was sort of one of the pieces advice (I paraphrase of course). No brainier! I don't think most people go out of their way to be assholes. Well, just many of the people I seem to meet, sadly. Hmmm.. one of his pieces of advice, paraphrased yet again, would be to take care of yourself. No shit? I shouldn't treat myself horribly? Thanks, Columnist! (Actually, I don't take good care of myself, but fuck him anyway. I think it is again obvious that we SHOULD take care of ourselves). As I said I was inspired by his reruns of advice, and since I just recently turned 34, I think I too shall give out 34 pieces of wisdom beyond that of stay inside on cold days.

Things I learned over 34 years!!!

1. People suck. Avoid as many as possible.
2. If the pizza is burning as it comes out of the oven, don't touch it. Hey man! That thing is hot!
3. Quit telling smokers they should quit and what a disgusting habit it is. They know. They don't care.
4. It is all about a choice and accepting the consequences of that choice. If you don't like the consequence(s) of that choice, then don't do it!
5. Swear words make great verbal punctuation marks!
6. There is no such thing as an "express lane."
7. Your car will break down at the most inconvenient moment. AND, you better hope it isn't outside Janesville, WI. They aren't very helpful there. The hotel people were rather nice, I guess.
8. If you choose to drink beer that is above 8% in alcohol, drink it slow... SLOW!!! Trust me... SLOW!!! Did you not hear me? SLOW!!!!
9. People who text message all the goddamn time should be fucking shot! Dude, you're not that important! And, neither is your loser ass friend!
10. Slinkies are wonderful toys. They are fun for a girl and a boy!
11. Looney Toon cartoons are the best! THE BEST!!! And, other cartoon short folks have yet to be able to recapture that magic. Which means simply, take your time, folks! TAKE YOUR TIME and quit forcing the jokes. Just let them happen.
12. Chinese food rocks!
13. Cars were probably the worst invention created by mankind...they cause death. They always need work. If I had all that money back in my pocket that I spent on all my damn cars over a life-time... Well, for one, I'd probably still have my first car, because it wouldn't have fallen apart, and I'd... I'd be broke LESS!
14. "Kids these days," he types as he shakes his head.
15. People should have an assortment of guilty pleasures. It adds variety to life.
16. The government does not have your best intentions in mind, folks. Stop giving those rich bastards so much power. Give it to me instead! :)
17. The holidays should be a few days longer. Just a few!
18. Valentine's Day is not a Hallmark Holiday. It's an American Greetings Holiday.
19. Conversation hearts... add that to the list of guilty pleasures. January 3rd today... So, they should be on store shelves. Go out there and get them, and be guilty!
20. There is more then one way to Milwaukee, and most of them suck.
21. I am not quite sure on how to tell you this, but there is somebody behind you.
22. I think when people say, "Are you kidding me?" A nice retort would be to say, "If I were kidding you, then I would say, "Hey, you are growing horns!' So, no, I am not kidding you. There IS somebody behind you!"
23. Popcorn can be messy if you don't get all of it in your mouth in one bite.
24. Easter grass is magical. It gets everywhere and stays there forever.
25. Most people are full of shit. Just go find out for yourself.
26. 95% of the people on myspace are liars. 99% of the people on match.com are liars. Basically, people lie to make themselves more interesting. Folks, refer to #1.
27. If a strange voice tells you to leave the house, leave the house.
28. Movie people and casual movie watchers should not watch movies together.
29. Laziness shouldn't be condoned. Good lazy people have made it an art-form and it should be viewed as such!
30. If the weather sucks outside, stay inside. It is that simple.
31. Birds + windows = tragedy. Some playwright or writer get on this one.
32. I am not saying Janesville, WI sucks... I wouldn't want to really go there, but they could've been tad more helpful.
33. You can only have so much shit in a collection before it really gets out of hand.
And, finally....
34. We all need a fortress of solitude. I have mine in Wisconsin. I am not telling you where it is. You can go get your own.

Happy New Year!

Later.