Only things you think about....

I never thought it could actually happen! At the time, not so funny. Actually, I laughed...snorted..chortled...laughed some more. Damn, it was funny. It was horrifically funny. I am still amazed that it did happen. It was something straight out of a sitcom. In my location, there are three cats. One cat is a princess. She thinks she rules the house. We amuse her into letting her think so. One cat is old. He is the biggest doofus cat I have ever met. Nice, but a big doofus. The third? I have often claimed she was evil and trying to kill me. I often find her just sitting nearby staring at me. Anyway, this said cat likes to sleep in warm places. One of her daily pursuits is to find the warmest spot in the house for a snooze. She found a good one today. While my nephew was scrambling about getting his baseball uniform from the dryer, he left it open leaving the remaing items inside. They were a tad damp. As he ran up the stairs to prepare for battle, he was scolded by his mother. "K....! Are the rest of the sheets still damp?" The answer was in the affirmative. "Then go back down and restart the dryer." Begrudingly he went down and restarted the dryer. Almost instantly, my sister heard a thumping. "K.......? What did you put in the dryer?"... After a second moments thought she said, "K......? Did you check for Molly?" No. He didn't. And there she was... thump...meowthhh...thump...meowth....thump....meowth... The poor kitty had the most horrific expierence in her whole kitty life! On the other hand, the damn cat came out of the dryer all April fresh scented! A moments pause to snicker..... So, yeah, the cats fine, now. She hid for a little bit and then found another warm spot in a bedroom to work things out I guess.... So, Molly's new theme song is of course: Link.... Just pretend there is a killer kitty instead of this guy

I couldn't help but laugh...

Chuck Norris Facts... Can you tell? I am quite bored.

Laundry...

You had serious, now its time for drivel! A Joe Stream O'Conciousness Rant! Ready? Set! GO!

I hate doing laundry. I can't think of anything more annoying then laundry... well, that's not true, but still laundry is annoying. So, like all the things I find annoying, I try to avoid them. Laundry is no exception. That means, I let my clothes pile up in various corners of my room and closets. Yes, that's right. The Rockies are a very nice, tall range of mountians. They ain't got nothing on the Joe Range. BUT, I ran out of clothing, which means this week I decided to climb the Joe Range... Because it's there? NO! I needed underwear (Snarf!!)... So, yeah, this week's project was to finally dismantle the moutain range that is my laundry and clean it... AND, that is such a pain in the ass. First, I have this annoying tendency to forget to check my pockets. I lost my cellphone headset... They are so right! Electronic gadgets break after you wash them. The fucker is shorted and sitting here useless next to me.. So, I learned that doing laundry breaks stuff. That's annoying, don't you think! I also washed some money. That's good. So, yes, doing laundry makes you rich. I guess that's the really only good thing. I also washed serveral beer bottle caps, a necklace, a ring, some matches, a lighter... Hey, why do lighters still work but electronic gadgets don't? That's just crap! Anyway, I washed other things other then laundry. So, I learned that doing laundry makes you wash other things which increases labor! That's sucks ass... Laundry is extremely labor intensive in the first place. Anyway, so I am doing laundry. I finally put the final load in the machine just now (foot hills, maybe? Yeah, I put in the foot hills). This is day three! The dryer here does anything but dry. It takes days, weeks, eons, to dry anything. In fact, on some items, its just best to let it air dry. So, laundry makes things messier. Anyway, the dryer just spins the clothing. I think the clothing, when spun enough times, actually decide to just let the moisture go. "Shit," says the sweatshirt, "I don't think that asshole is gonna let us out of here if we continue to hold this moisture. He's just going to let us spin and spin and spin." "Jesus, Sweatshirt! I think you're on to something!" says the Jeans. Finally, after enough spinning the t-shirt says, "I've had it! Out moisture! OUT!" Why do the T-shirts dry quicker? I think because they give up sooner. After all, they are just T-shirts. What is a T-shirt compared to jeans anyway. So, finally, after spinning and spinng, all the clothing finally decide to release the moisture into the dryer somewhere... That takes about three extra long spin cycles. It's like torture for them. I can hear the current load screaming. So, laundry is clothing torture. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the dryer takes forever and the clothing have developed speech all of sudden. They speak "clothing!" ... So, yeah, I hate laundry. I hate doing it! And, what sucks most? The folding! Folding takes forfuckingever! And, still, when its folded, you still have to put it away! It's like an endless battle, doing laundry! Laundry is an endless amount of steps. Seriously, when you are done with laundry, you are already creating another mountain range because of what you are wearing as you do laundry! Laundry ...laundry... Laundry sucks. And, it is even more so for me, because I am sooo fucking lazy! I let it pile up and I shoot myself in the foot all the time because I hate doing laundry so I let it collect. What's that I hear? Great! Something that is not supposed to be in the dryer is bouncing around in there. I wonder what I lost now. Sigh... Laundry... Another term for HELL!

An Affirmation By Joe! (That's me!)

It's been awhile since I wrote some serious shit... So, why the fuck not? Huh? Serious shit? Ready??? Here we go!!!

It’s been hard to focus on the funny the past few of weeks. Lately, ever moral fiber of my being has been put to the test. I’ve decided that the toll has been too much, and it is time to work at being that Passive Observer. I have too much to accomplish to let factors that I really shouldn’t let burden my soul put a wrench in my grand plan. I care… That’s been a problem. I care. I can’t help, but care. But, there are the things I can change versus the things I cannot change. And, for those things I can’t change, I must learn to accept. IT is what it is…But, still, I haven’t felt usually funny self. And, I have been wondering about the decisions I have made on a personal level… I have been seeking the answers and finally, today, I was reminded why I decided to make changes in my life in the first place. I don’t get these reminders too often, but when they do a small flame of hope starts to flutter in the woodpile I thought burned out. They say, these are the times that try a man’s soul. Well, I am tried. I am tired. I have even started smoking again (I plan to stop soon. That’s all I am going to say about that… SOON.. when I am ready, which will be shortly. So, I apologize in advance to all those people that supported me. I must be allowed to fuck up every now again. I am not perfect. Lately, I needed that five minutes, every now again, to put things back on track… AND, I also have ZUMA downloaded on my computer. I find much good thinking time as I shoot a marble from a frog’s mouth into a line of marbles to, well, blow them away. Therapeutic, if you ask me). I was starting to give up hope. All around me, people I have seen seem to have it all figured out. Everything seems to be working out. They seem to be happy. And, here I am dealing with shit over here… over there… and shit that doesn’t even belong to me…. And, I thought it looked bleak. But, last week, I accidentally received an e-mail by mistake from a person that really needed help. I don’t know why or how… But, I was on some distribution list, I guess… So, I wrote that person and offered some assistance and a prayer. Yesterday, I received a kind reply and an assurance all was okay. And, they appreciated and needed the words of a stranger… AND, today I was reminded why I dropped out of a chance at a lucrative career to find a more rewarding pursuit that won’t even be near lucrative… And, it felt good. It really did. Maybe, I can help this person. Maybe I can’t, but damnit, I need to try. I think we need these reminders every so often, to keep us on track. So, I think for the most part of the day, I will start to continue my job search (something I just stopped doing after the last job fair… Those were brutal! BRUTAL!) and continue my pursuit. Something will turn up. That’s what I think the message was from today and that one e-mail. It was confirmation from the powers that be that I have a purpose, and I need to pursue it…. Thanks, Powers that Be….

As for a funny? Em has a new ball and bat I bought her at Walgreens. I have decided to teach a two-year-old the fine arts of baseball…. We’ll see how this goes! On the plus side, she’s sleeping with the bat on ball… On the negative side? If you were two and had a club, what would you do with it? Yeah, I know… My poor shins!!!! I can see the tears now. Don’t worry, I never cry in public.

I love trying my hand at the serious shit... In my head it makes sense, but I often find I have a hard time writing it... I try to expand my horizons by trying to write from the heart... I often fail and it ends up gobbly-gook like the above, but I have to try... How else can I grow creatively? Sure, I can drink beer.. But that causes me to grow different ways!

Rather Amusing...

This link is rather amusing... Thanks, Sue, for sending it.

I have a Cold..

I have a cold... A real nasty one too... I guess this is what one gets when they consume mass quantities at South-Side Brewries....

Ha..Ha..hee..hee..

The one thing I will do...

when I decide to be a geek in something, I go all out! Yeah, Baby! The Beer DORK in me rages as I just got my official membership card to the Chicago Beer Society!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! That's right. It's one thing to just be a beer snob, it's another to be a card carrying beer snob! Kiss my ass, cool people! Joe the "Beer Boob" LIVES!!!

11:15...

I got up at 11:15 today, mainly for the reason that I just didn't want to get up. I looked over the day planned and decided the world didn't need me today... I think I have problem. And, for breakfast I had a Twix bar... I learned something, and it is a sad something. I found that I really don't like Twix bars... I used too like them a WHOLE lot... But, now? *Sniff*... I've lost *sniff* a friend!!!!... What's happening to me? There was a time I could eat Twix bars, eat super sugary cereals, and avoid all things oatmeal and granola... Now, I embrace all things oatmeal and granola while my body is rejecting everything that is good!!! WHAT THE FUCK???? "Your taste buds are changing," said a friend. NO! They are the same stupid buds that have been in my head for eons!!!! You know what's changing? ME! I'm getting old! OLD!!! Suddenly, somewhere, unbeknownst to me, I ... I ... I have become an adult! FUCK! I try to be responsible (I did sleep to 11:15 today, so I am not a very good adult)! I try to teach kids good things! I try to make sure things are fixed! I... FUCK! I am going back to bed.

Happy Times...

Bad Moon Rising: CCR

I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin’.
I see bad times today.

Chorus:
Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.

All right!

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like we’re in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.

And for those like me... There's a bathroom on the right!

Going out to lunch...

I love going out to lunch. There is something pleasing in hearing, "Let's go out to lunch!" or in saying, "I think I will eat out at lunch!" Whatever the phrase, there is something about "out" and "lunch!" ... Or maybe it's "Lunch" that is the key ingrediant to the whole "going to lunch" mantra. I like lunch. I think it is my favorite meal of the day. AND, if you go to lunch like I did today to the Ram, then it becomes extra special (Bonus points for it being a brewery). It was nice. I like lunch... lunch! Lunch! Lunch! Lunch! ... It's not breakfast, which is quite boring... or supper... again boring... It's lunch. LUNCH! ... So, in honor or the occassion of going to lunch, I brought home a growler. I love growlers too! So, there was lots to love about Ram, Lunch, and beer. Their seasonal stout was really quite good. ... So, yeah, if you can go to lunch, then do it. AND, if you want to buy me lunch, I won't say no! LUNCH!

iTunes + iPod = Joe's an idiot....

Suddenly, and without warning, I started to feel nostalgic for the Alt Rock of the 90s...You know, that shit I heard in the bars over and over and over again while I was learned in college.. Fucking iTunes and their essentials!!!! Somebody, take that shit off my computer! Download! Download! Download!!!! ... I'm done now FOR NOW!!!! ... So, anybody have any good reccommendations? I was looking through my CDs and I am not liking the variety. Very, very one-sided (something my sister always points out to me! Zeppelin rocks! I don't care what anybody has to say about that!). I need to expand my musical horizons. ... When I have money, I can download! Download! Download some more... because, I am an idiot!

"JOE! JJJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

The life of the family uncle! Today, as soon as I was once again getting my morning coffee, my toddler niece was on my case... Actually it started before I came upstairs from the basement. I could hear, "Joe! JJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I thought to myself, "Damn! That little nag is riding my ass and I haven't even gotten out of bed." That's, perhaps, what she was telling me in her scream. "Joe! Get off your ass and take me outside!" Which, is exactly what I did a little while ago. She wants to play "catch." That's the game where she runs around with a basketball and wants me to pick her up so she can make a basket. That would've been fun, but a car is in the way. So, we played "bubbles." Bubbles is the game where I try to blow bubbles for her to squish, but she attempts to pull the bubble wand out of my hand and looks at me sadistically... "Fool!" her glare tells me. "You are just like Charlie Brown and the old football." Today, because choices were limited in the Emily world and my back isn't quite right from pushing her on her big wheel thing the last time she made me do it, we decided to explore the world. I decided for her, actually. "Come on, Emily. Let's go for a walk." "No," she says like a two year-old. Ball (Another name for catch)." Anyway, after coaxing her with my own stubborness, we finally took our little walk. On our walk to explore the world, Emily saw birds. Emily doesn't quite realize that birds don't like humans. So, she spent a good part of our time outside chasing birds and looking surprised when they just flew away. "Emily," I said, "how do birds go?" She said, "Tweat! Tweat!" ... As I had hoped, Emily caught on to my suggestion - Speak bird. So, as she was chasing the birds she screamed, "Tweat! tweat!" Alas, because one speaks bird, it doesn't mean bird gives a damn an will let you catch it. I was hoping to teach her a lesson... that is, don't chase birds yelling "tweat, tweat!" into the street giving uncle's heart attacks as he runs his fat ass to grab her out of the street before she meets the "beep! beep!" of an asshole driver. There are plenty of those fuckers around here. So, birdless and dirty, Emily decided to play with dirt to get dirtier. I showed how fun it is to poke a stick and make swirls in the dirt. Emily took it a step further by makeing stick swirls on cars, grass, sidewalks, and uncles. Sadly, it was nap time. The fun was over. After telling on me for bringing her in when she didn't want to, Emily is almost fast asleep. And, I now write this blog. I get quite a kick out of that kid, as my blogs seem to show. It has been really a wonderful expierence watching her grow. It makes my day when I enter a room and she runs up and hugs my leg... But, then the moment ends, and "Joe! JJJJOOOOOEEEE!!" begins and suddenly, I am a slave.

Intellectual Property!

This is just bogus! Why is it that some people have this idea that they need to impress me on some sort of bullshit intellectual level? I am an ordinary person who does quite ordinary things!
Jesus!!!! I am as full of shit as the next person!?!?!?!?

Blood from a stone...

Fucking State government and thier bullshit regarding the unemployed! I owe the state $106... Those bastards can take that money and... and... and go fill a fucking pothole!


Ummmm... Hi!

Joe's Weekend Round Up 3.0

First, I hope everybody had a nice Easter. I had lamb. I love eating baby sheep on Easter.

Anyway, it's time for Joe's round up (should there be a hyphen between round and up?):

I learned this week:

1) Lamb is a baby sheep, and done right can be goooood eating.

2) Fire pits, good company, and beer? That's the good life as far as I am concerned.

3) There is more to homebrewing that I thought. I... well, it looks rather complex, but something I might just try doing.

4) I want a dog.

5) I can be civil if I really have to... This weekend I had to spend a few hours with Em's father in the same space. I hate that guy, but I mustered enough of the "better person" mentality to be civil and nice. That took a lot, let me tell you. I also hate that guy. Have I mentioned that?

6) Children and cornhole toss don't mix.... Em kept on grabbing the bags and throwing them, kids kept on stepping on the game boards, and well, kids again kept on running in the way. Have you ever played cornhole toss? A great, great game to play drinking in the backyard.

7) Bubbles? Why bubbles? It appears that you can buy little kids all the greatest shit in the world, but they just want the simple $1.00 of bubbles. And, the real fun is watching the little toddler try to blow them. She'd... well, miss... and then eat the stick like a lollipop and then try to share. I don't do bubble wands. BUT, she was insistent in trying to get me to taste the bubble soap.

8) Toddlers want to play catch at 8:00 in the morning even though their Uncle's haven't had coffee and wants to stand outside pondering the world... They will scream: "Joe! JJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Catch?" over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Makes for a shitty cup of coffee. :)

9) My cooler holds a shitload of beer... Perfect for all the beer drinking friends I have. I thank God for that impulse buy at Sams Club last fall when I thought, "Holy shit! Look at the size of that cooler! Who would buy something that unnecessary???" So, I bought it.

10) Toddlers shouldn't help do yard work. They have a tendency to eat dirt.


11) "Gimme! Gimme!" -- Em's new favorite phrase. It's annoying especially when she wants my stuff. She always wants my stuff. I want my stuff. We fight over my stuff. She wins my stuff. The price of peace and quiet.

12) After 4 beers, I don't care what I drink anymore.

13) I hate school.

That's about it! Have a great day and drink beer.

Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store: Part III

A couple more parts... I am starting to struggle on how I am going to bring this all together. I have an idea, it is just trying to get there. Anyway, here... try to enjoy.

Chapter 10
Malignant Tumor

“Watch your step,” Bob the Dark Lord said as he helped Robert the Light Lord maneuver the passages through his Dark Fortress of Evil.

“It rather dark in here,” said Roberta.

“Yes,” said Bob. “I don’t have windows.”

“No windows?” Roberta asked surprised. “Why not?”

“I find no need,” answered Bob matter-of-factly.

“No need? Everybody has need,” retorted Roberta. “The sun makes people happy! It’s good!”

“I never really thought about it before,” said Bob. Taking the moment to impress his guest, “for you, Miss Light Lord, I shall have some installed immediately.”

As they entered the grand ballroom lit merely with candles, Bob the Dark Lord eyed Volcano Creature stomping on some kittens in the corner. To really impress Roberta he called out to Volcano Creature. “Servant!”

Volcano Creature ignored him naturally. Volcano Creature was no servant to anybody. Again Bob called, “Servant! I said SERVANT!”

Volcano Creature jumped and stared at Bob. “Huh, Wha? Me?”

“Yes, Servant. Add windows to this fortress!”

“Really, you don’t have to do this, Mr. Robert the Dark Lord,” said Roberta.

To Roberta Bob said, “For you, dear, anything!!” To Volcano Creature, Bob said, “Now go, Servant!”

“Bob the Dark Lord? Are you nuts? What the hell for?” Volcano Creature looked annoyed as a kitten he missed managed to bolt towards a hole in the wall.

“Don’t question your master!” yelled Bob the Dark Lord. “I am evil!”

“Master? You?” Volcano Creature started to sneer. Then, Volcano Creature spied Roberta. “Oh, for damn sake!” he thought to himself. “Not her!”

“We need windows. It’s too dark in here,” said Bob.

“I can tell you where to put your windows,” sneered Volcano Creature.

“I will vaporize you! Now go!” demanded Bob.

Volcano Creature sauntered toward the entrance to the ballroom trying not to catch the eye of Roberta. He suddenly recalled that one time when they had met before that he didn’t like to talk about. It was when she … well, he doesn’t want to remember it either. As Volcano Creature left, he murmured over to Bob. “We are going to have a chat later.”

“I know him,” said Roberta after Volcano Creature left.

“I don’t think you do,” said Bob the Dark Lord trying to dodge the subject. He didn’t want her to think negative thoughts about him or the company he kept. “He does get that a lot, but he’s been my servant for years.”

“I see,” said Roberta. She looked as if she didn’t believe Bob.

“In here,” said Bob. “I would like to show you something.”

Bob and Roberta entered the throne room to be greeted by a massive amount of fish tanks.

“Oh my! You have a lot of fish!”

“Yes,” said Bob. “They are my minions!”

“Minnows?” asked Roberta the Light Lord.

“Minions,” corrected Bob. “They are my Fish Army. I tend to rule the seas and then eventually the world.”

“Of course you do,” said Roberta looking over at a tank of guppies. “They look like a mighty army.”

“Well, I hope so. I let some loose the other day. They haven’t really reported back,” said Bob.

“What are those over there,” asked Roberta.

“Those are called Angel Fish. I like the irony of their name. They are evil.”

“Of course they are,” said Roberta the Light Lord.

“Downstairs in the dungeon I have several freezers full of fish I caught myself,” said Bob.

“Oh?” asked Roberta.

“They are my generals.”

“Generals? In the freezer?”

“Why yes! I was told by the individual at the fishing equipment store that once you catch the fish, you must cut the head off, gut it, and freeze them until you intended to use them.”

“I see,” said Roberta with a chuckle. “And, how affective are they without heads?”

“I haven’t needed them yet,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I was testing the army with a few others first. You know, the ones I let go.”

“Heh,” said Roberta. “And, you train these fish.”

“I do! I train them to be evil!”

“Of course you do,” said Roberta the Light Lord.

“Would you like some tea,” asked Bob. “I have black tea!”

“No, I really must be going,” said Roberta. “You do have some nice fish…I mean, er, you have a good looking army of fish.”

“Thank you,” said Bob the Dark Lord. “I do my best with them.”

“Of course you do,” said Roberta.

Chapter 11
Herpes

Volcano Creature pointed a finger at Bob the Dark Lord. “Are you crazy!”

“I don’t like your tone,” Bob the Dark Lord said as he sulked on his throne.

“Bringing that…that do-gooder into your inner sanctum!”

“Roberta is beautiful,” said Bob sadly.

“SHE’S GOOD!”

“I wish to get to know her” Bob said depressed like.

“BOB! YOU’RE EVIL!” screamed Volcano Creature. “SHE’S GOOD! YOU SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!?”

“Sigh,” Bob said gloomily. “She was unimpressed with the fish army.”

“So,” Volcano Creature replied. “What does that have anything to do with anything?”

“She didn’t notice me.”

“Okay?” Volcano Creature said.

“Sigh,” said Bob depressed like again. “How do I get her to notice me? How do I get her to notice how evil I am?”

“Kill her!” said Volcano Creature.

“Volcano Creature, be serious.”

“I didn’t think I was being anything but,” said Volcano Creature.

“What do I need to do to get her to notice me?”

“Bob the Dark Lord, you’re scaring me here.”

“There has to be some way!”

“Bob, it wouldn’t work. She’s good. You’re evil. She protects the world. You want to rule it.”

“Help me here!” pleaded Bob.

“I am! She’s… She’s not the right girl, Bob the Dark Lord!”

“Maybe I should do something else besides trying to rule the oceans,” said Bob as he started to slope into his throne.

“Bob, Roberta…She’s… GOOD!”

“She’s beautiful!” whined Bob the Dark Lord.

“So is would a giant crater where Tripod used to be!” yelled Volcano Creature. “Bob the Dark Lord, snap out of this!”

“I must find another way to dominate the world. Then she’ll notice me!”

Volcano Creature just stared at Bob in bewilderment.

“She’s beautiful,” Bob said again as he began to further regress into his throne.

“I can’t take this,” Volcano Creature said aloud. With that, he left the throne room.

Iowa Folks...

Hi! I hope all my Iowa friends are okay, and despite what happened last night, it does not put a damper on Easter plans. I am sorry about the old Alma Mater. That... that's horrible. You are all in my prayers.

Happy Easter and Shit...

It should promise to be a busy weekend... SO, I don't think I will be around the gameroom much. Well, not that you care. Anyway, I wanted to wish everybody a wonderful Easter weekend and Passover and... Ummm...something that deserves a happy greeting.

SPRING!!!!

The sun is shining. I am on my second cup of coffee. My toddler niece has said "Mine" a thousand times while I tried to read the newspaper and she tried to rip it from my hands... Yes, a new "Spring" is here. Hi, Spring! Welcome! And, with spring comes the inevitable "Prepare the Yard For Summer!" Winter was rather cruel to the yard. In fact, it was horrible to the yard. There is garbage and there are weeds and there are things that need pruning. There are birthday toys to put together. There are... There are... Did you see the garage? Neither have I! I have to find it. It is in there somewhere. Yes, so garage finding is just another thing to add to the Spring list of to dos. That entails putting away the Christmas shit because I couldn't. The summer shit was in the way. It means pumping up air into bike tires. It means cleaning the floor because I broke a huge ass bottle of beer there around my birthday because I wasn't watching what I was doing. Beer everywhere! And, the floor is sticky... Reminds me, I have to restock the beer fridge. It's running low. Ummmmmmmmmmm...... Yeah, spring. Everybody seems to be happy about it. I am not. It means more work in addition to my other responsiblities. Well, maybe I am a little happy. With my apparent SAD, the sun helps. AND, well... Yeah... Spring. I saw a bunny last night. I heard a cat meow. I saw a full moon. I ... I had BBQ last night! WOO HOO! But, that isn't really spring related. But BBQs in the backyard is! And, we might get a new grill because my nephew killed the last one by running his bike into it! Don't ask. I am still confused about that one myself. So, today, while I watch the baby niece during my sister's conference call, I think I shall take her outside and teach her how to use her new toys. That means frustration, crying, more frustration, crying...anger...hate ... and I am sure my niece will feel the same.... Anyway, Happy Spring, Folks!

P.S.: Hey, the garage was right there the entire time! I found it amongst the Christmas stuff, broken beer bottles, spring furniture, garbage cans, and bikes! Heh! Who knew? Anyway, I took some time today to open the deck up for the season. I have to water seal the surface (a couple hour job), but other then that that damn thing is usable. The fire pit is in place. We just need a bit more wood. But, it's good to get this thing a rolling. I was getting tired of sitting on the stoop. It made me feel creepy. Now, I can have the privacy of the backyard to chill and watch the world go round and round. I think I deserve a beer.

Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store: Part II

Well, I quickly wrote these three installments today because I had nothing else better to do. The first chapter you are about to read, I was going to drop. But, I read it and chuckled. So, enjoy... Eventually the toy store thing is going to happen. I have to work up to that. Be patient.

Chapter 7

Colic

“Welcome to Sharper Image!” said the clerk behind the counter. “

“I NEED RINGS! I NEED RINGS OF POWER!” said Carl the Darker Lord. “I EXPECIALLY NEED ONE TO RULE THEM ALL!!!!”

“Sounds very Tolkin,” said the clerk.

“HUSH! I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR LITERARY INTERPRETATION!” screamed Carl.

“Right, ummm, yeah…Let me check the computer. Hmmn, funny, we do have some rings of power. We just got some in yesterday,” said the clerk.

Carl started to snare. “THEN BRING THEM FORTH! I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO WASTE HERE!!!”

“Oh goodness,” said the clerk looking up from his computer screen. “I'm sorry, but we don’t have the one to rule them all yet.”

“NO?”

“No. The computer record I am looking at doesn’t even show that they have even been ordered.”

“NOT ORDERED?”

“No, sorry. But, I can put in an order for you if you wish?”

“HOW SOON CAN YOU GET IT FOR ME?”

“I'm not sure. We have a shipment on schedule for next Tuesday. I can’t guarantee any rings to rule them all can get on that shipment. See, the order is already in the works. It is a logistical issue.”

“DAMN! I HATE LOGISTICAL ISSUES! I HATE THEM ALL!”

“Oh goodness. Wouldn’t even matter if I could get them on next Tuesday’s shipment.”

“WHY NOT?”

“They are custom orders. You can't just GET these rings to rule them all. The item should take about six weeks,” said the clerk. “Something about forging in fires of evil and all that jazz.”

“DOUBLE DAMN!” screamed Carl the Darker Lord. “I WILL HAVE TO GO TO BROOKS BROTHERS OR HEIMMLEKEER SCHLEMMER!”

“You’ll be lucky to find any power rings at those stores at all, sir,” said the clerk. “They aren’t known for such things. We are Sharper Image. If we don’t have it, then it isn’t available for having.”

“OH IS THAT RIGHT?” Carl just stood there and fumed. He was going to have to figure out a way to get a ring to rule them all. It was necessary, very necessary for his plans. “FETCH ME THE RINGS YOU HAVE! AND A MAGIC MIRROR. I SEEMED TO HAVE BROKEN MINE!”

“Those mirrors are virtually indestructible! You would have to punch it square in the middle to break it. That would just be stupid!”

“I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR ANY TYPE OF ASSESSMENT! BRING ME WHAT I ASK OR SUFFER THE CONSQUNECES, YOU CRETIN! AND ORDER THAT DAMN RING TO RULE THEM ALL!”

The clerk sold Carl the merchandise just to get the crazy guy out of the store. With the final signature on the credit slip, Carl marched really evilly out. Little did the clerk know, it was his last sale. Moments latter Carl ordered the store to be blown to bits. In fact, Carl took out the entire mall. It was a bad day for teenagers.

“But, sir…” hesitated a henchman. “Didn’t you order a ring of power to rule them all from that store to be delivered to that store?”

“TRIPLE DAMN!” barked Carl the Darker Lord and then he killed the henchman.

Chapter 8

Cholera

“Hello, my evil fish army!” Bob the Dark Lord said evilly cheerful to each fish tank as he put food in them all. “Soon, you will be ready to rule the oceans. Soon my pets will be untrained in every household causing much mass hysteria with their defecation in all corners of their living spaces! SOON THE WORLD WILL BE MINE and I will have a date with Roberta the Light Lord who will be so impressed she can’t help but be with me! I AM EVIL! I AM EVIL AND IN LOVE!”

There was a rap on the dark evil door of the dark evil entrance to the dark evil fortress that housed Bob the Dark Lord.

“Who must that be at this most evil of hours,” Bob said to himself. He hurried to the door and threw it open ready to scream at the imbecile that dared disturb him. No scream left his lips.

“Hello,” said Roberta the Light Lord. “Oh, the pet store clerk!” she said nice and happy like it would make a sane person vomit. “I am surprised to see you here. No matter. Is Robert home?”

“I…I…I…” said Bob the Dark Lord in response.

“You had this trouble yesterday,” said Roberta. “Do you have a speech problem?”

Bob shook his head and said, “No, I…I…I….”

“Well?” asked Roberta.

“I….I… I… am at home,” he finally said to her. “I am Robert…I mean, Bob the Dark Lord.”

“Ohhhh!!! You are Robert the Dark Lord,” she exclaimed gleefully. “I’m Roberta the Light Lord. I am good. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. The citizens of Tripod talk highly of you.”

“I…Tripod?” responded Bob questioningly. “I am evil.”

“Yes, of course you are,” she smiled. “Anyway, I am here to make sure you are going to Tripod’s anniversary gala.”

“I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend,” said Bob. “I am evil.”

“Yes, of course you are,” Roberta said still smiling. “They really want you there. They say you sell the best pets. You’re an honored citizen of the community.”

“Honored? Or course I am honored. in the sense that They must honor evil.”

“Yes, of course they do.” Roberta never stopped smiling. “Now, can I put you down as an attendee?”

“Are you going?” asked Bob.

“Yes of course! I am the town protector! I am good!” she said. “I must attend to protect!”

“Then, I am most certainly going!” Bob said excitedly.

“Of course you are.”

Bob the Dark Lord’s mind raced. He thought about the last conversation with Volcano Creature. It would take more to attract Roberta then a pet shop. There had to e something. There had to be an angle. And, it finally came to him. His army of evil fish!!! That would get this woman for sure!!! Roberta was about to turn and leave when Bob, in a very squeaky voice asked, “Would you like to come in?”

Chapter 9

Appendicitis

“It’s the way the computer system works, Sir,” said the clerk of this branch of Sharper Image.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” bellowed Carl the Darker Lord. “AREN’T YOU ALL ON THE SAME NETWORK?”

“Well, yes an no,” said the clerk. “I think this branch was on our older network. I don’t think it ever transferred to our new network before it was blown up.”

“OH?”

“Yeah, it must’ve been. This computer doesn’t even show an order for a ring to rule them all coming from that location. On the old system, it took a day or so for it to register at the main computer system in Wasadasdat. That’s probably what it is.”

“I GROW TIRESOME!” Screamed Carl the Darker Lord.

“I can put the order in here, if you wish.”

“SIX WEEKS THEN?”

“Yeah, afraid so.”

Carl the Darker Lord grew more and more pissed. “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THERE IS ANOTHER DARK LORD BENT ON GLOBAL DOMINATION AND HE IS RAISING AN ARMY OF FISH?”

“No,” answered the clerk. “I was unaware.” The clerk looked rather confused.

“I NEED THAT RING FOR MY PLANS!”

“Six weeks,” said the clerk.

“I WILL MELT YOU DOWN!”

“Six weeks,” said the clerk.

“I WILL MANGLE YOU’RE INNARDS AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!”

“Sorry, still six weeks.”

“I WILL …. I WILL CRUSH YOUR EYBALLS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND FEED THEM TO MY PET ALLIGATOR.”

“Would you like me to place that order to be delivered here, sir?”

“OF COURSE, YOU FOOL! I HAVEN’T MUCH OF A CHOICE NOW DO I!?!?”

“I guess not. We at Sharper Image take pride in being one of the only shops to get such unique gifts.”

Carl seethed as he watched the clerk input the information. “All done. It will be six weeks. Should I call you when it arrives?”

“NO!” said Carl as he vaporized the clerk to ashes with his other rings of power. “YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A CHOICE.” Carl watched the smoke stream forth from the ashes as a sneer lit his face. “I, CARL, THE DARKER LORD, AM THE ONLY ONE TO DENY CHOICES! I AM EVILER” Again, he turned and stormed out yet another Sharper Image location a tad angry.

Little did Carl know, he would arrive with his rings of power and the one to rule them all on the same day as Tripod’s Anniversary gala! How lucky can one get!

Happy Birthday...

To EM! Happy Birthday to Em! Happy Birthday to Em... Happy Birthday to you!!!


DEAR LORD!!! EMILY IS TWO!!! GOD HELP US ALL!


So, today, Em turns two. In her life, it's a hallmark. To our lives, it means "NO!" and "NO!" and "No" and a louder more shrilly sounding "JJJJJJJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" and "Gimme that, (insert name of victim)" and "No!" and "MINE!" and "MINE" and "gurglgle, paper, ga goos blah" followed by a rip! Yes, the monster has evolved into a very active monster... So, what does an uncle get such monster who has proven that if it doesn't make noise, not interested...if it doesn't annoy, not going to play with it...if it doesn't get in the way, not going to put it where people won't trip over it? It was a very hard decision. So, I get what every uncle should get such a monster. I got her a shopping cart from Little Tykes!!!

The other day, I noticed Em pushing a laundry basket all over the floor. As she went, she stopped to place items (some very important Uncle Joe items that, like an idiot, he left where Em could find them and rip them and throw them and write on them and jump on them and mash them) into the basket as she moved stealthly through the living-room. It was only logical that I get her something meant to be pushed so she can continue her rampage of finding my things and ruining them. That's the type of Uncle I am! I love making things worse for me...efficiently worse. It's now yellow, red, and blue worse... with a white, foldable upper basket thing where she could put my cellphone if I accidently leave it no the coffeetable.

So, I decide, as I drink my morning, necessary to function, wake me up, hot beverage known as coffee, to put together such cart. Much to my dismay, the damn fucking thing needed a hammer. "WHAT???" I said to myself. "A HAMMER??? You have to be fucking kidding me!" And the instructions were written, I believe, by a chimp named Bert, who... Well, let's just say I am not impressed at all with this chimp. Jane Goodall be damned!!! But, yeah, in chimp drawn illustrations, it was written "Hammer" with a picture of what looked like a hammer. Thus, the nightmare I had expeirenced with the damn battery, ride-on ATV began again! So, there I am, 9:00am, half awake, using a hammer to pound on plastic wheels while my coffee became cold in the chill of the morning (I built it in the garage). But, this time, I had expierence... Still, my thumb still hurts, and I hope she doesn't notice the crack in one of the blue wheels (just kidding. It all worked out fine, kinda). AND, I needed a screwdriver, which is not all that bad, unless the directions are written by chimp named Bert who doesn't draw clearly where the screw holes are or how they are supposed to be lined-up. Several minutes were spent trying to figure out how all the pieces fit together and what screw goes to which hole! Friends, I hate puzzles! Especially puzzles I have to do at 9:00am with a cold cup of coffee! You'd think they (those bastards at Little Tykes) would make it easy and use one type of screw. Nope!!! Three types all unclearly labeled with the loser letters of the Alphabet. "Screw Z is which one?" "X??" Anyway, after much frustration, the cart is assembled and ready for the destruction laden activities perpetrated by a newly turned two year-old monster of epic proportions.

Happy Birthday, Em. You're uncle sure loves you a lot.

Well, Let's Try This Again: Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store Part I

I started this about a year ago. I never did finish it. Hell, I hardly scratched the surface. So, why not try again! Ladies and Gentleman, this is my third installment in the Bob the Dark Lord Series. I am going to try something new here while building on old concepts. Bob the Dark Lord was, in essence, created by my nephew. I took his idea, ran with it, and created "Bob." I don't know how long this is going to take and the document is a work in progress. So, the following is rough. I decided to let you enjoy the ride as I try to do this... So, expect it to take some time. I had an idea to bring it together walking to class the other night. I just hope it works. If not, there is always Bob the Dark Lord IV.

Bob the Dark Lord Opens a Toy Store

Yet Another Stupid Story Inspired by

Joe's Nephew
And
Written by
Joe

Chapter One
Gingivitis

Above the city of Luxemtogospieltendunken flew the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom. A most sinister and evil smile began to muster on the lips of the most evil being to ever walk the planet. “ARE THE MISSLES READY!?!” the being barked at the crew. “Yes…” cowered a voice form behind him. “THEN LAUNCH THEM ALL ON MY MARK!!!” screamed the evil being. “FIRE!!” With that, thousands and thousands of missiles were poured on the unsuspecting city below. Within seconds, what was once Luxemtogospieltendunken the city was now Luxemtogospieltendunken the big hole in the ground. “SUCCESS!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” said the evil being.

“Sir, what are your orders?” asked a crewman nearby.

“FIND THE NEXT TOWN AND BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS, OF COURSE!!! WE DON’T STOP UNITIL THE WORLD IS MINE!! ALL MINE!!!” The being in long dark black robes and a dark black hat twirled toward the bridge doors and started walking towards them. “I SHALL BE IN MY OFFICE! NOBODY BOTHERS ME! IF THEY DO, IT MEANS YOUR DEATHS! UNDERSTOOD?”

“Yes!” said the entire Bridge crew in unison.

“GOOD!” said the evil being. “SOON THE WORLD WILL ALL COWER BEFORE ME, CARL THE DARKER LORD!” Through the doors he went and the bridge crew sighed in relief at his departure.

“That guy is a jerk!” said the Navigator.

“Word,” said the Weapons Officer.

Chapter 2
Hemorrhoids

Deep within the Mega Flying Fortress of Darkly Doom was an office. In that office was Carl the Darker Lord. He was in a meeting.

“MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE MOST EVIL OF THEM ALL???” asked Carl the Darker Lord in a tone as if he was yelling (He always sounded like he was yelling). Before him was, ummm, how to describe it? Um, well, it was a mirror on the wall, and it was magical. It also talked. Can you believe that? A talking, magical mirror! Carl the Darker Lord bought it at Sharper Image. They have such neat stuff! All those things that you never thought you needed or thought existed! Way to go Sharper Image!!! Anyway, umm… story… right…

“You are, O Evil One,” said the mirror back.

“YOU AREN’T JUST SAYING THAT TO PREVENT ME FROM BREAKING YOU INTO BILLIONS OF SHARDS. ARE YOU, MIRROR?”

“I can’t lie to you, Lord Master Carl. It isn’t in my programming.”

“GOOD!” Carl said looking into the mirror to admire his evilness.

“However, Sir,” began the mirror cautiously. “I do need to mention something.”

“WHAT??” screamed Carl the Darker Lord.

The mirror began nervously. “There is another sorta, kinda, not so much, a little bit, in a way, a tad, ummm…”

“OUT WITH IT, MIRROR! BEFORE YOU ARE DUST!”

“There is a *gulp* ummm…..”

“YES???”

“….another dark lord. He’s trying to control the world’s oceans!” said the mirror quickly.

“WHAT??????”

“There is a another, sorta, kinda evil dark lord trying to control the oceans?” said the mirror meekly.

“ANOTHER DARK LORD????? ANOTHER DARK LORD????”

“Yes,” cowered the mirror.

In an instant, the fist of Carl the Darker Lord sailed through the surface of the mirror cracking it to bits. Shards flew across the room showering every surface. Carl then started to huff. He started to puff. He started to blow his top off. “WHERE IS THIS CRETIN WHO DARES STAND IN MY WAY????”

Chapter 3
Urinary Tract Infection

Sitting depressed on a big, dark throne of evil in the big, dark throne room of evil surrounded by fish tanks located deep in the big, dark Fortress of Evil that was behind the big, dark fence of evil was Bob the Dark Lord. “DRAT!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!” he sneered. “Can’t those people just leave me alone!! I am evil! Don’t they know that!?! Can’t they see that!?! I have a fish army! I have a big, dark fortress of evil! I sell untrained animals in my pet shop!” A piece of paper fell to the floor from his hand. At that moment, in popped the Volcano Creature for his usual visit.

“How are you today, Bob the Dark Lord?”

“I am evil!” said Bob. “Thank you for asking.”

“You don’t look evil, Bob the Dark Lord. You look rather depressed.”

“I’ve never been able to fool you, Volcano Creature. I am rather evilly sad and evilly upset,” mumbled Bob.

“How come?”

“The citizens of Tripod have invited me to their anniversary gala yet again this year! I just got the invite by carrier pigeon, which I just dropped on the floor before you came in.” It was no secret Bob the Dark Lord disliked the citizens of Tripod. In fact he hated them. They were so nice and happy. It made Bob sick to his stomach just thinking about them. Everyday he wished evil thoughts on them like a fungus on their tomato plants, ringworm on their pets, dog feces on their grassy areas in their parks, unpaid parking tickets that caused the Denver boot, and the most evil of thoughts - mold growing on their food in their refrigerators! Oh how deliciously evil that would be!!!

“So,” said Volcano Creature. “Stomp on them. STOMP ON THEM ALL!”

“I can’t do that. That is your thing.” Bob started to get even more depressed.

“Then do your thing,” said Volcano Creature.

“My thing?” said Bob. “What is my thing?”

“How about fishing for your Ocean Army of Evil to rule over the oceans? I have beer. We could go and at least catch a good buzz!”

“No,” grimaced Bob the Dark Lord. “Not today. I need to sit here and figure out how to handle this invite issue and the anniversary gala.”

“What’s there to handle? Don’t go,” said Volcano Creature matter-of-factly.

“I have to go!” exclaimed Bob. “I was invited!”

Chapter 4
Tonsillitis

“It’s horrible! HORRIBLE, I tell you!” yelped the mayor of Tripod to the townsfolk gathered in Tripod’s town square. “He completely destroyed the city! Without warning! Without any reason!”

The citizens of Tripod gasped upon hearing the news of the fallen city of Luxemtogospieltendunken and the evil darker lord Carl.

“He’s unstoppable! UNSTOPPABLE!!!” again yelped the mayor.

Again the townsfolk gasped.

“It is rumored that Carl the Darker Lord is on his way here! We’re doomed! Doomed!” With those words the mayor began to cry. The townsfolk followed suit.

All of a sudden there was a flash of bright white light near the podium where the mayor stood. It was then followed by smoke. It was a bright, fluffy cloudlike smoke. As it began to subside and dissipate, there stood, in front of the town of tripod, the most beautiful woman ever! She was wearing white flowing robes. They were white flowing robes!!! Flowing! Flowing! And, yes, FLOWING gently in the breeze! To attempt to describe her any further would not do her any justice. I am going to stop right here. Time for you to use your imaginations.

“Fear not, Citizens of Tripod! For I, Roberta the Light Lord, have come to help you in this hour of need!”

Everybody in Tripod gasped in surprise, awe, and giddiness. Was that really the famed Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?

“Are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the mayor.

“Yes, are you really Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomeist sorceress to ever grace the world?” asked the citizens of Tripod in unison.

“I am,” said the sorceress proudly with great beauty and grace of course!

There was much rejoicing.

“Please continue to go about what it was you were doing. I will make sure you are all safe,” said Roberta. “I have very powerful and good magic. I will protect you all from the evil that comes your way!”

The Mayor looked at Roberta for a moment. He suddenly felt reassured. After all, this WAS Roberta the Light Lord, the most goodest, bestest, awesomist sorceress to ever grace the world! He then said, “We were about to organize our anniversary gala.”

“Well then, please, continue. Let me know if I can help in anyway” said Roberta.

“We are honored, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.” The mayor looked at Roberta for a minute basking in her beauty. A thought then occurred to him. “Maybe there is something you can do, Ms. Roberta the Light Lord.”

“Oh,” Roberta said a tad surprised. She didn’t think she would be needed so soon. “What is that?”

Chapter 5
Flesh Eating Bacteria

“Excuse me,” said Roberta to the clerk who happened to be huddled behind the front counter of the pet shop. The clerk was looking for something on a bottom shelf.

“I will be with you in a minute. I need to find fish food to feed my evil army of fish,” voiced the clerk.

“Take your time,” she said. She waited for a few minutes. The clerk continued his search near the ground behind the counter. “Listen,” she said. “No need to get up. I can see you are busy. Can you just tell me where I can find Mr. Robert the Dark Lord?”

The clerk stood up from behind the counter to look at Roberta the Light Lord. In an instant he froze. His jaw dropped open. His eyes almost fell out of their sockets. Before him was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He was so much in awe of her beauty, he almost peed his pants!

“Oh!” said Roberta a little startled. She wasn’t expecting the clerk to pop up so fast. “Yes, hello, how are you today?” she asked.

The clerk, still in awe, tried to make some words. His mouth, however, felt numb. “I…I am…,” he began to stutter in a numb like way.

“Pardon?”

“I am…ev…evil,” said the clerk. “Thank…..thank….than….thank you for asking,” finally said the clerk in what seemed like forever to Roberta.

“Excuse me?” asked Roberta. “You’re what?” The clerk just stared at her. He eyes just fixed. “Anyway, do you know where I can find Mr. Robert the Dark Lord?” she asked the clerk again.

“It is…,” began to stutter Bob again. “It…it..it.. is ……..B.b.b.b.b…..Bob,” said the clerk still stuttering and still numb in the mouth. “Bob the Dark Lord.”

“Oh, does he go by Bob?” she asked. “I do like Robert better.”

“Then Ro….bert ….it …..is,” said the clerk trying to sound happy.

“Umm, yes…,” said Roberta. “Do you know where I can find Robert?”

“Ummm…” said the clerk. “Ummm.” Roberta’s beauty was too much. The clerk was just to overcome.

“That’s okay,” said Roberta. “I see we are having some problems today. Well, I was hoping since this was his pet shop, he may be here. I guess he isn’t. I will try again later.”

“Da…da…da..da..da..,” said the clerk.

“Thank you for trying,” said Roberta to the clerk. With that, she turned and left the store.

“I am Robert the Dark Lord,” said the clerk finally. However, Bob was too late. She had already gone. Bob just stood there looking at the door. “Oh dear,” he finally said to himself. “Who in the tar pits of Wahtsoedma was that?”

Chapter 6
Dysentery

“That was Roberta the Light Lord,” said Volcano Creature as he cast his fishing line into the water and then took a sip of beer from a bottle. “The woman you described? Yeah, that sounds like Roberta. She’s really nice… WHICH, is absolutely disgusting, if you ask me.”

“How do you know of her?” asked Bob the Dark Lord as he too cast in his fishing line into the water and then took a sip of beer from a bottle.

“We did battle a couple years back when I attacked some little town over in Middle Country.”

“Battle?” asked Bob.

“Yeah, I was stomping the town and she came out of nowhere. She did some of her magic mumbo jumbo.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t really wish to discuss it, Bob the Dark Lord. All I will say is I almost would’ve had that darn little town if it wasn’t for her and those damn kids!”

“What kids?” asked Bob.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m sorry,” said Bob realizing he hit a sore spot.

“Yeah.” Volcano Creature paused for a second. “Why are you asking about Roberta?” he asked.

“She was in my pet store yesterday,” said Bob.

“She was what???” asked a very surprised and growing angry volcano creature.

“She came into my store looking for me,” said Bob.

“NO! She can’t be in town!! NO WAY!!!” screamed Volcano Creature. “Why that goody two shoes, nicely nice, waste of erggg!!!”

“You don’t like her?”

“Why on EARTH would I like her? She’s GOOD!”

“She’s beautiful!” screamed Bob.

“WOAH!” said a shocked Volcano Creature. “Don’t you dare start thinking such thoughts, Bob the Dark Lord! You’re just asking for trouble!!!”

“I can’t get her out of my mind,” explained Bob the Dark Lord.

“Try more of this,” said Volcano Creature handing Bob another bottle of beer. “This will help you get her of your mind!”

“Honestly,” said Bob. “I, at times, think you are a tad to negative, Volcano Creature.”

That last statement just made Volcano Creature shake his head in astonishment and shock. Weren’t evil ones supposed to be negative? More importantly, what was happening to Bob!?!

Bob started whistling. It sounded happy. Volcano Creature smacked him upside the head. Bob the Dark Lord dropped his rod and reel into the water.

“Huh?” Bob the Dark Lord mumbled rather shocked.

“Stop that! You are evil!” barked the Volcano Creature. “Stop thinking such positive thoughts.”

“Do you think running pet stores in order to rule the world attract women?”

“WHAT!?!?!”

Bob the Dark Lord explained.

“You can’t be serious, Bob the Dark Lord!?!? Her? HER!?!?!”

“Why not?” asked Bob.

“She’s GOOD! You’re Evil!” yelled the Volcano Creature. “Running pet stores don’t matter! You’re…her… it’s just….NO, BOB!”

“Then, I must do something else to impress her,” thought Bob the Dark Lord to himself allowed. “Something even more evil than the evil that I do.”

“BOB the Dark Lord! You just don’t understand!”

“I must find some other way to empress this Roberta.”

Volcano Creature just looked in astonishment while Bob the Dark Lord looked thoughtfully into the horizon.

“BOB THE DARK LORD!!! YOU’RE EVIL!!!” exclaimed the Volcano Creature as a reminder. The exclamation fell on deaf ears.

It has to get easier...

I don't know about you, but I think I've paid my dues. When is it going to finally be my turn!?!? For fuck sake! The powers that be??? Throw me a fucking bone!!! Actually, I'm okay. My toddler niece turns two tomorrow. I am really happy for her. I've been with her since day one. It's a happy day for us all!

Today, I shall be positive!

So fuck off!!!

snicker... snicker....

I'm a bad, bad boy...

So, the stress of the last few months caught up with me. With my job hunt and other things that have popped up I just... I reached a low. So, I started smoking again. BUT, the thing is, now I feel lower. SO, the goal is to fix it. I am now, once again, going to quit. It's only been a week since I started again. It shouldn't be that hard. So, now the cigarrettes go into the garbage and I get back on track. One of the things I have also decided to do is get off my fat ass and return to my bike and do my 13 miles, 5 times a week. I will build up to that 13 miles, for sure. I just can't go out and ride and expect me not to die. AND, I can't do that while smoking and I can't do that if I sit on my ass. So, I, Joe, rain or shine, on Wednesday will go for my first ride (I need a day to get the smoke out of my lungs). It is time to bring Joe back to life.

"Coming Back To Life"
(Pink Floyd)

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun

Now, I am going to do my homework like a good, good boy... Over there, on the couch, with a cat. She meowed at me. Meow.

P.S., There is no hidden meaning in my lyric selection. I am not saying anything other then, I like the idea behind it. A person, such as myself, though in darkness, never lost sight of the sun. And, it's time to put things behind and... well, move forward.

Joe's Weekend Round Up 2.0

Hi! Yes, another weekend has come and gone. And, what happened this weekend? NOTHING!!! Well, nothing that deserves any rounding up, but I will try. What did I learn this weekend?

1. I learned that I need to write this blog from my Mozilla browser because the AOL browser sucks major ass. I can't really "carriage" return. And, the spell checker I normally don't use, doesn't work very well if at all. Damn you, AOL!

2. I learned that I can be an asshole! Yes, I can easily ignore people if I have to even though deep down I don't want to, but I have to because I decided that it was a good idea.

3. Toddler babies need to be taught how to use their toys at great expense to ones back muscles, and once they learn to use the toys they don't want to stop. That means, there is much crying and fussing and hurt. Em was given this big wheel thing that is built for toddlers. Since a toddler can't really peddle, it has an attached plastic pusher handle thing that adults can use to push the child as the child rests his or her feet on some built in foot rest. The damn thing is 6 inches to short. That means you have to huddle as you push... My back is fucking killing me! And, my niece doesn't even care!!! In fact, after an hour of pushing, I put her inside and she cried and she told on me.

4. As you already now, I can't shoot a basketball for shit. So, I have decided to not excercise any muscles other then the one between my ears. So, that means READING! READING! READING! I have started several books.

5. Toddlers tell on you.

6. Beer does not taste good with mints. It doesn't. So, don't try it.

7. St. Charles, IL is kind of a pain in the ass to drive too. They do have an Irish bar though. AND, as we know, an Irish Bar is only an Irish Bar if they serve Guinness. I love Guinness. And, according to a contributor, the drink is quite manly. Have I ever discussed Guinness being manly to anybody?

8. The bane of my existence? Bad Karma! I have bad karma. It's a bane. A BANE, I tell you!

9. Weasels! Weasels are everywhere!

10. I once tried to write jokes about being a target for assassins. It didn't work. I won't try that now.

11. Chinese food is AWESOME!

and finally,

12. When in doubt, take it out! That's an ACT strategy in case anybody did not know.

Okay, kids. This game is over and I am outta here!

WOAH!!! It's Sunday!!!

I learned last night that I can't shoot a basketball for shit.

WOAH! It's Saturday!!!

WOAH!!! It's Saturday... I look around and say to myself, "Hey, what happened to Friday?" I really don't know. I remember standing in lines. I remember standing in more lines. I remember something about the ACT. I remember... I had Guinness!!! How can I forget that!?!?!? And, I remember ... I remember getting my assed kicked in some trivia game. That, my friends, will not do! I also... I was really tired. I don't like that tired thing. I want to go! I want to move! I want to do stuff! But, then the sleeepiness sets in around 10:00pm... And, I say to myself, "Hey, what happened to Friday?" I don't like that. Anyway, Friday was another bust at a job fair. I hate those things. The good news? That's the last one. Now, I start new strategies. In fact, the first strategy? Finding what happened to Friday!

The Memories: Best of Part IV

Hi! Again a cop-out today! I have to run and don't have the time to think of anything original. Nor is there much to say at the moment. SO, deal with this little gem about mornings.

First aired on April 25, 2005

Oh Dear Lord!

Here I am... thinking... thinking... thinking and wondering why I am even attempting to get back into the "real world!" ... What the hell was I thinking!?! The alarm goes off at 5:45am, and at that moment, I realize the day is ruined. I HATE alarm clocks. I hate having to have to go upstairs and make coffee. I hate making coffee. I need coffee, which is the rub. I need coffee to get passed the 5:45am thing so I have to make the coffee, which I hate doing. AND, then I have to make my lunch. I hate making lunch! I HATE IT! I hate the fact I have to determine what I want for lunch when I haven't determined what is I want for breakfast. Seriously, I make the sandwich, but what if, four hours later, I decide that the sandwich I made was not in fact the sandwich I wanted at that moment... it was the other sandwich I didn't think I wanted to make that becomes the sandwich of my desire... Stuck, now I have to eat the damn inferior unwanted sandwich while dreaming of the sandwich I wanted.. I hate making lunch... and then I hate the shower, because I have to force myself to remember the process... Cus, you know, I haven't had the coffee yet. It's brewing. So, 5:45am still lingers in my thoughts... OH SHIT! The water is cold. I forgot to adjust the water before I stepped in! SON OF A BITCH!!! COLD! COLD!! TOO HOT! TOOOOO FUCKING HOT!!!! Damn! (I do the "water is too hot dance" in the shower)... Ahh, finally water is perfect...skin scolded, but water nice... fuck, soap dropped. Shit, dropped it again! Hey? No shampoo? Shampoo in hall closet, I am dripping naked wet... shit... shit... Now I do the "Shampoo is in the hall closet" shuffle with a REALLY small towel meant for children because I was in a hurry and grabbed it and not thinking because I hate showering like I hate making coffee and lunch...It is an extreme effort not to embarrass myself in case somebody walks in on me... I drip, drip, drip on my journey and realize that holding a small towel with one hand (around my sensitive parts) and shuffling through closet contents that hide shampoo is rather difficult... Fucking towel is holding up the process... Damn! Time! TIME! I must get ready in time! TIME!!! It's all about time. I have to be somewhere on TIME!!! TIME!!! It was 5:45 time, but it can't be that time now... Fuck towel! Need two hands! Dear lord, nobody wake up.. please, for the LOVE of god, nobody wake up! Ahh, shampoo... ALL THE WAY BACK THERE!!!!! I am splunking for shampoo! Baby shampoo... No tears... Fuck it.. Though I love the "tear producing kind" this will have to do... Slip on my water drippings to the shower which now just doesn't feel right (Ever notice how much water is left on the floor when a shower is interrupted for a journey? Jesus! There's more on the floor then coming out of the spout in the shower!). That shower feeling is gone! The shower had been interrupted and now it sucks. It was good, but now... Ruined... a lousy shower. Actually, not a shower at all, but a man-made rainstorm in the morning. But, at least I am naked. No ruined clothing... No wet shirts. No umbrellas to fucking make things worse because, damn man, those things are awkward!!! Focus! Focus on the shower rain... I have to get used to the whole thing again, all on the account I didn't look for shampoo prior to getting in! My fault! Should have been thinking. Should've had coffee... Should not have been watching adult swim the night before... Fuck... fuck... dropped my razor..... shoot! Broke! BROKE! ... Where's razor blade! There's blade. There's me grabbing blade. There's me looking at blood coming from finger.. There is me watching blood swirl down the drain... There's me thinking about the movie Psycho. There's me now afraid I am about to be murdered in the shower by some man dressed as a woman with a knife... A BIG KNIFE!!! BIG and will make me bleed a lot, like this razor blade... Damn! Damn... Shower done! Blood stopped. Big puddle on floor! Use my pjs to wipe up mess. Going to pay for that later when I forget I used them as rags and put them on to go to bed later on because I rolled them up and threw them on the bed.. Rolled up things don't dry. I should've thought of that... Nope, I need coffee... PJs? That will be a nice END to a fucking bad day... Coffee? I made coffee! Oh joy! Light! Tunnel! Coffee! Run to find coffee! I love coffee! COFFEE!!!!! Coffee???? Coffee is in big puddle all over kitchen counter and floor... Coffeemaker mysteriously blocked by unknown force! I stare at coffee...coffee puddle growing larger! Coffee grounds permeate from everywhere!!!! Coffee... coffee... Suddenly reminded of movie Psycho... This time I am man dressing as a woman ready to kill EVERYBODY with a super LARGER knife!!!!! Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh!!! Fuck, TIME! I have no TIME... Clean up mess. Use towels! Must use paper towels. Not up here under sink! Run to laundry room for more! Step in cat shit, cus cat decided not to make it to litter box... No time to swear! No time to kill cat! Later! Mental note: Kill some cat later!... Run and wipe up coffee... oh, poor coffee... poor, poor, poor coffee... on the floor... on the floor everywhere! *Sniff*... Clean! And, need more coffee!!! Shit, no more coffee? There has to be coffee? Where is the coffee!!!???!!!??? AHHHH, of course! It's behind EVERYTHING in the pantry! Again, splunking in different type closet. Find COFFEE!!! Filters? Are they in this cave known as pantry? Hey, I didn't know we had that? Hmmm... Anyway, Coffee on! Me dress! Me remember cat shit! No time to make a fuss!! clean up shit.. again, mental note: Kill a cat.... Dress! Scramble because I am late! LATE!!!! Run up for lunch, shit, I made that sandwich? Why that sandwich????!!!!????? Oh, coffee... Where is traveling mug??? Shit! Still in car! I was too lazy to drag it out of there!!! To car!!!! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold! Raining? You have got to be fucking kidding me???? RAIN???? Cold! Cold! COFFEE!!!! Go get stuff! Get to car! Drive car! What was that noise? SHIT!!!! MY COFFEE!!! I left it on top of the roof so I could get my supplies into the car!!! Coffee! ALL OVER STREET! GONE! GONE!!! .... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








For all those who are unemployed or just sitting on your asses... IF, somebody starts to rag on you for your lack of employment... Tell them simply to KISS YOUR ASS!!!!

Happy Birthday, Mom!!!

We miss you!!!

May lead to something????

I ventured out today... to parts known and unknown to sit in front of an administrator and talk shop. Based on what I saw, it would be a nice opportunity if I could get it. BUT, as with most of my recent professional adventures, so many uncertainties still loom. Makes me wonder why I had to venture so far only to hear the "We don't know... Good Luck!" once again. I should look at the positive really. Somebody noticed me to give me a foot in the door. I can only hope I used the right words to further open that door. I was hoping they were courting me. No... They weren't. They were just doing some further screening... to eliminate people, I guess. So, now I think about my past few years and have started to rethink it. I was on a mission, mind you. I made sacrifices because I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought this is what the powers that be wanted me to do. I want to help people! That's my motivation. I want to use my own knowledge to help out somebody gain knowledge so together, in some small way, we can change the world. Anyway, it was nice to get practice and see how well I can answer questions. It's not often we get much face time. Keep fingers crossed. I won't know for awhile, or at least that's what she said. *Grunt* Anyway, tomorrow I have an opportunity to talk with the Peace Corp. That might be something to consider. Hmmmm...

Now, something funny. Ummmm... Nothing really funny has happened in the last few days... Well, nothing to springboard into a nice, well groomed, rant of epic proportions. Em, the toddler niece, got some new wheels for Christmas that wasn't so easy to put together. You would think a battery operated plastic ATV would be quite easy. You attach wheels, insert batteries, and off you go! I knew this wasn't the case as soon as I read that a hammer was necessary to complete this project. "A hammer," I said to myself. "On plastic wheels?" .... Sadly, yeah. A hammer was needed to attach plastic wheels. It took me a half hour to figure out how to use the hammer so as not to break the plastic wheels using the plastic tool I was suppose to pound with the hammer. It needed precision, concrete, willfulness (evidently a lousy trait to have), and good timing, not to mention an incredible amount of balance. Needless to say my hands and wheels are both fine. The Black and Blue Bruise is almost gone and the wheels have stickers on them...which come off of them...and you have to put them back on...and I am sure this process continues until the stickers in question are ripped, mashed, unsticky, or somebody like myself says, "Fuck it!" and crumples them up and returns them to the pits of hell where I am sure they originated. So, I put this thing together under some insurmountable odds, some of those including keeping an eye on both the plastic wheels and Em so both don't end up in the street. Thank GOD my nephew was out there. He did the Em watch while I pounded the dickens out of my fingers. Not really, but I missed once. Anyway, with the task completed, I began the next arduous task of teaching the toddler niece how to use it. It took a few minutes to catch her up to task... But, it meant a lot of "Emily, you need to keep pressing this button. Your feet have to stay here... You steer with this thing... Ohhh.. you're in the grass... Let me fix that... Ohhh... ummm... you aren't supposed to scoot with your feet.. Ummm... keep pressing the button. Okay, I won't help you press the button. Em, you... sidewalk crack... You are born to be wild... button, Em. Far enough, Em. Let's turn around. Stop crying...We're not stopping. I promise. Em, I will be right back. Why are you following me. Okay, try to get on the thing. Lift that leg. Em, you are getting on it backwards. Here this is how you get on it. Stop fussing. I wasn't taking yuo away from it. Now, press that button... You really like the Stop! Go! Stop! Go! thing, don't you?" ... Yup, she's more mobile now. In addition to her blinding fast running speed, she can now go the speed of molasses on her new "Off Road Battery powered ATV!" Fuck yeah, Beyotch!

Just a Good Story: Best of Part III

One more "best of." I then promise to come up with something original, if I can. This one is an amusing story, at least I think so. I just wanted to share it again....It's a good example of the stupid shit that happens to me on a routine basis. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

It is from last June.

"Jerry's dead, Baby. Jerry's dead...."

Every once in awhile, we like to stick our foots in our mouth. I always eat mine. I love my foot. YUM! With my foot and my pride, I am well nourished. The foot? Let's face it, the damn things ARE tasty. Such was the case with a bar drinking binge last Friday night. My friends and I decided to drink. We do that on occasion. It was around 4:00pm when I started drinking heavily. By 8:00pm, I was a little tad buzzed, well, maybe more like pissed. So, at the bar around 8:00 pm a group of people walk in and stand around in a large circle and begin talking about and toasting Jerry. Being drunk, my group was a tad inquisitive about the goings on. Why the hell would anybody stand in a large circle and toast people during peak drinking hours with me and my group nearby while we had been drinking the special a whole lot? Wouldn’t you want to know what was going on? Surely this would perk curiosity. And, it did. So, somebody in our group asks, "What's going on?" Somebody says, "I hear it is a retirement party." ... I go up to the bar for another round and ask the bartender, "Hey, what's going on?" I don’t like making guesses. If anybody should know, the bartender should, right? He should! That’s his job! The bartender mumbled something (or I was a little drunk to give to shits what he said… I am sure that is more it) which I interpreted as some University Administration party that was possibly toasting a retirement for this Jerry guy they kept mentioning. So, perhaps the retirement story is a bit true. But, everybody looked rather young. But, that doesn’t matter. I deferred to the wisdom of the bartender. So, I return to the group with the full beers (yeah!) and announce my findings. Shortly after my arrival, the circle group toasts Jerry! "To Jerry!" they yell. We are not once to miss an opportunity to toast joined. "To Jerry!" we yell! And, we continue to harass this "Jerry" guy for a few more toasts and retorts that we did...Well, we sort of went on our own. The circle of Jerry Folks? They were done toasting it appears. They were finished. We, being drunk, decided to beat the dead horse over and over and over and over for hours, days, minutes! Dead horses are so much fun to beat. This lady in the circle group turns to us and says, "Jerry passed away!" ...And, she wasn’t very nice about it either? Can you believe that? Well, I, for one, being of Roman Catholic origin, was a bit, well, I was like, "OH!!! I am so sorry!" ...AND, the Catholic guilt raged. And, I was embarrassed and sad. Poor Jerry... So, what did we do? We made even more Jerry Jokes the rest of the night. Catholic guilt be damned! I didn't feel really bad until I heard he was a young guy who unexpectedly passed away. And, several members of the school community were a tad upset... which is understandable. OOPS! I didn’t find out until I read the school newspaper a few days later. Anyway, to you, Jerry! TO YOU! Anyway, folks, I think I shall stop here a little more often not that I finished up my beginning... So expect some more Joe wit and banter and odes to Jerry! Here's to you, Jerry! *Gulp*

Daylight Savings Time...

Aughhhh... That's all I really have to say. Who would've thought that ONE fucking hour would cause so much trouble.

Cynicism: Best of Part II

It's hard not to be cynical these days. I am not going to deny that darkside about myself. I am a cynic... On the plus side, I am not as cynical as I used to be. Age and other things have made me less so... I think I am more bitter though. But, if you'd been kicked in the head as many times as I have with the emotional foot, then I would like to see you try and smile and be chipper. But, the cynicism is just a small part of me. The thing is, my toddler neice has already figured that out. I am all bark and no bite. Smart little kid if you ask me. She is fearless when it comes to her brut of a looking uncle. I guess she's realized I am pushover and could be all squishy inside. It's one of those things I try hard not to show. She sees it and captializes on it everyday... Well, we can't all be perfect. :) Anyway, I found this little "gem" among my files. I posted this story to my old place way back when (January 2005). It was a quickly written short story I had conceived on a whim when I felt especially cynical in those dark days of college. In fact, I had been served one of those emotional feet to the head! One of these days I will find somebody who won't kick me and, like my niece, and captialize on what I have to offer. They might even be proud to stand next to me.... But, it hasn't exactly been a priority. Anyway, here's the tale... the tale of a faithful trip that started in a tropic port aboard this tiny ship... Wait! Sorry, ummmm... Yeah.

BIRDS

Two birds sat in a tree. One was a much older bird. He had a big, red stomach and a big, red mane. His wings glistened when the sun struck his body through the leaves. This was one proud looking bird. He was actually very wise and knew much about life. One could tell by looking at his demeanor that he had lived a grand life full of experiences and adventures. His grandson sat next to him on the branch. Both of them looked over a vast field. The grandfather bird spoke in a very wise sounding voice. "That field is teaming with discovery, my little grandson. It's almost time for you to spread your wings, fly out there, and start discovering life for yourself. Discovery is the key to a good life! Adventures, my boy! ADVENTURES!" ... "Yes, Grandfather, I understand all that. It's just, well, I'm scared! This life thing really scares me. I don't enought to survive!" ..... "Nonesense! YOU ARE A ROBIN! Robins survive. You must follow your instincts and do what is right. Follow your heart, your mind, your inner voice. Use what you have already learned to guide you down the path of discovery. As you discover, you learn. And you take what you learn to make yourself stronger...to make yourself a better bird! With your choices, you too will become a wise, great leader such as myself. Knowledge through discovery -- that's the key. That's how you live life!!" .... "Yes, perhaps you are right Grandfather. But, aren't there dangers? What about the dangers? How about all those things that want to kill us? We are just birds!!!" .... The Grandfather stared at his grandson in horror. "Just birds!?! We are the mighty ROBIN! We have survived longer then any creature that may be a danger! We have been around longer then any creature that you see before us! Just birds? YOU HAVE MUCH TO LEARN! That read breast you have is a symbol! It symbolizes knowledge! It symbolizes strength! It symbolizes greatness! We are a wise species! We are unstoppable! You should be PROUD to be a ROBIN," the old bird chirped. .... "That may be true, but what about cats? Cats are wise. They are strong," retorted the younger bird. "I don't want to end up lunch, Grandfather!" ... "Cats, smats. They may be at times clever, but Robin clever? Cats are really very dumb and can be outsmarted anytime. Cats are lazy! They are furry and stupid! For we, the wisest of all animals.........." The grandfather's words were cut short. On the limb sprang a most sly cat. The cat's pounce on the old bird looked effortless. The old bird was killed instantly and with much grace. With another jab from the cat's ferocious claws, the younger bird was caught and killed as well. "Ahhh...yum!!!! Robin is my favorite. Here you go, son. I nabbed this small one for you," he said to a kitten who joined him on the tree branch. "That's how you live life, son -- one good pounce and bird for lunch." .... "I see, " said the kitten. .... "You see, birds aren't very smart, but they make an excellent meal. Do you understand?" .... "Yes, I think I do, father." The little kitten paused for a second. "But, what about he danger of dogs?" ..... "DOGS!?! What about dogs? They're the dumbest of all animals! Son, they couldn't even catch a bird!" .... In the distance a dog began barking and it sounded hungry.

The End